Military moms: How do you handle drama with other mil. kids?

[Sneezyone]

My DD plays with kids of all ages in this neighborhood. She does a lot of outside activities and, since we travel quite a bit, we’ve told her that it’s not appropriate to discuss her activities with other kids. She's not perfect but she does do good job of being respectful and inclusive.

 

Our neighbors have a child who does not subscribe to this philosophy. She brags to the other children about going to this party or that activity and, of course, just has to mention that the other children are not invited. She’s bossy, dismissive of other children’s ideas and feelings and tries to pit the other kids against each other. I have heard her older brother call her on it several times and try to bring it to the parents' attention but the parents seem to either not notice or dismiss his complaints out of hand. Under normal circumstances, I would just cut off contact with this child/family but it’s not so easy when you live next door to one another.

Other problems?

1) The father of this child outranks my DH by a mile and I do not have a favorable impression of him (don't want to go into details).

2) If I discuss this with the mother, I know it will lead directly back to her DH with whom I want no contact.

3) My DH is deployed so I'm on my own.

Pls. tell me how you have handled this in the past or seen it handled by someone else? Is it worth it to have a discussion with the other mom, if only to explain why I'd like to limit the girls' contact or have them be better supervised, or should I just continue working on my DD's ability to distinguish friend from foe and avoid the other family altogether?

Edited May 5, 2012 by Sneezyone

[Jean in Newcastle]

I'm not military but I don't understand why you would want to parent someone else's child when they are not hurting your child (which would be totally different matter). I would continue to tell your child your rules (which are good, btw). This other child is going to have natural social consequences from her behavior.

[bbmom]

Honestly, I wouldn't say anything at this point. I would keep working with your dd and try to limit contact between the two girls as much as possible.

[Sneezyone]

No fisticuffs are involved here, true. The barbs are verbal. When DD was called fat by this girl (she's not, she's a level 4 gymnast), she stopped eating anything but cereal for a week. When she called my son a baby and excluded my kids from the "treehouse" saying, "Oh look, here come M&M...don't say anything so they'll go away" my kids came home in tears. None of the other kids do this. None. I just feel like I need a little help here. Today, the girls were together for 30 minutes, tops, and she managed to get in yet another dig.

 

It's not realistic for me to bring DD inside everytime the other girl comes outside (we share a common backyard and playground and have few nice days) but maybe we can at least keep the girls from playing one on one?? I just don't know how to say that in an inoffensive way.

 

Living in base housing is HARD because your work and personal lives can get so intertwined. You never know if her father is going to be in a position to cause problems for DH. He's the type who has no use for you unless you drive a luxury car and wear at least O-4. Ugh.:001_unsure:

[Trilliums]

I wouldn't let your daughter around said child without direct supervision. I would treat it as though she were at a playground and needed an adult Parent around to watch over her. We are not military, so I do not really know what it might be like in your housing situation...but IMO, 7 is still very young to be out navigating this kind of tricky relationship on her own. I'd also encourage my kids to avoid the other child and to try to develop more resistance to the hurtful things she says. I suspect discussing it with the parent will not go well.

:grouphug:

[Alte Veste Academy]

I wouldn't let your daughter around said child without direct supervision. I would treat it as though she were at a playground and needed an adult Parent around to watch over her.

 

...

 

IMO, 7 is still very young to be out navigating this kind of tricky relationship on her own. I'd also encourage my kids to avoid the other child and to try to develop more resistance to the hurtful things she says.

 

I agree. Definitely work on your kids' reactions. They need to understand that this is who she is and she doesn't get to tell them who they are or how important, pretty, nice, fun... I tell my kids that they are defined by their words and actions only. No one else can ever define them. Consider role playing so they can practice useful phrases and walking away.

 

We are a military family and I have to wonder why in the world you were assigned housing next door to someone who outranks your DH "by a mile." :confused: Ranks are generally separated to avoid exactly this type of concern. Regardless, I have no rank. Never have, never will. If I need to speak to a neighbor about a child's behavior, rank is not going to stop me.

[Sneezyone]

I wouldn't let your daughter around said child without direct supervision. I would treat it as though she were at a playground and needed an adult Parent around to watch over her. We are not military, so I do not really know what it might be like in your housing situation...but IMO, 7 is still very young to be out navigating this kind of tricky relationship on her own. I'd also encourage my kids to avoid the other child and to try to develop more resistance to the hurtful things she says. I suspect discussing it with the parent will not go well.

:grouphug:

 

Yeah, I've pretty much come to the same conclusion. I'm only fighting it b/c I know my DD will take it as an undeserved punishment. I can't be outside as much as DD would like. Someone's got to make dinner, run bath water, sweep, etc., etc. I suppose it's better to be seen as an irrational witch of a mom than go through another summer like the last one.

[Sneezyone]

I agree. Definitely work on your kids' reactions. They need to understand that this is who she is and she doesn't get to tell them who they are or how important, pretty, nice, fun... I tell my kids that they are defined by their words and actions only. No one else can ever define them. Consider role playing so they can practice useful phrases and walking away.

 

We are a military family and I have to wonder why in the world you were assigned housing next door to someone who outranks your DH "by a mile." :confused: Ranks are generally separated to avoid exactly this type of concern. Regardless, I have no rank. Never have, never will. If I need to speak to a neighbor about a child's behavior, rank is not going to stop me.

 

 

By a mile might be a bit of a stretch but there is little officer housing here so seniors and juniors are mixed. We're not even all the same branch. Normally rank wouldn't stop me either. It's one of the things I've loved about our life so far but this particular guy just rubs me the wrong way. It's hard to explain but I have a sneaking suspicion that he's an abusive, anal-retentive snob in Mr. Rogers clothing and I don't want to be anywhere near his radar! There. I said it. Feels good. DH would approve (of the fact that I didn't say it out loud). :D

[Alte Veste Academy]

When she called my son a baby and excluded my kids from the "treehouse" saying, "Oh look, here come M&M...don't say anything so they'll go away" my kids came home in tears. None of the other kids do this. None.

 

But she was presumably speaking to other kids, yes? Who did and said what? Did they do as little miss queen bee instructed and ignore/exclude or did they tell her she should let your kids play and then actually talk to and play with your kids? The key is to get the rest of the kids on your side. I had a situation like this with a very bossy little boy who tried to rule the cliff behind my backyard fence. I solved the problem with popsicles and water guns. Seriously. Oh, Mortimer doesn't want you to play on the cliff with him right now? Oh, that is a bummer but you can ask Penelope over and she'll play on the cliff with you later! Would you like a Popsicle? Why don't you two play water guns? It is so warm out, you will have so much fun!" This must all occur within earshot and have a sincere tone of "no biggie" because we have other friends to play with and can have fun by ourselves. If they run away crying or otherwise react to an extreme (not eating at 7 after a comment like that would worry me, I will admit), it will only empower this girl and the situation will get worse. They need to stop feeding the monster. Strange as it may seem, try Popsicles and water guns (or whatever healthy snack and non-"violent" toy option would work for you :D). I fed Mortimer Popsicles for years and my kids spent lots of time playing with him on the cliff, riding bikes, playing kickball...all that while still maintaining the ability to occasionally say to him, "Seriously, Mortimer?! That is totally not cool." I had to teach them that though. ;) DD is a natural though. She does it with a roll of her eyes and one hand on her hip. She comes by that naturally. :lol:

[Alte Veste Academy]

By a mile might be a bit of a stretch but there is little officer housing here so seniors and juniors are mixed.

 

Are you saying they have mixed company grade and field grade? I can't imagine anyone would be happy with that situation. :tongue_smilie:

[Sneezyone]

Oh yes. I've been working on this. When I sit on the back porch and observe, I can hear one or more of the children (even my 4yo) calling B.S. in their own special way. They usually do a really good job but I think her words got to DD today. This particular nuisance child works best as a solo artist (hence my desire to try and keep them in groups). When the tree incident happened it was DS who got really upset so DD walked him home. Ehh...I tried the popscicles last year but, alas, mine had red dye No. 9812 so the other mom confiscated and replaced them with homemade lemonade pops and freshly popped popcorn (popped in Canola oil don'tcha know).:lol: Oy, I shall perservere!

[Sneezyone]

Are you saying they have mixed company grade and field grade? I can't imagine anyone would be happy with that situation. :tongue_smilie:

 

That is EXACTLY what I'm saying. Most of the families are perfectly OK with it, b/c as you said, we don't wear their rank and neither do the kids. The service members go to work and come home, no biggy (or are underway or otherwise traveling) no one else really cares but this guy is different. He essentially socializes with the only other guy (different branch) of the same paygrade.

[mommaduck]

Honestly, I wouldn't say anything at this point. I would keep working with your dd and try to limit contact between the two girls as much as possible.

This. The child probably knows that her dad outranks several of those around her and she uses that. I grew up with the "my dad is....; your dad is only...." while a military BRAT. It's part of military life; there will always be a kid like that. Ignore and avoid. Teach your child better; that is all you can do.

[AvasMom]

I'm not military but I don't understand why you would want to parent someone else's child when they are not hurting your child (which would be totally different matter). I would continue to tell your child your rules (which are good, btw). This other child is going to have natural social consequences from her behavior.

 

:iagree: I'm honestly not sure how you'd approach the parents about this without looking silly.

[mumto2]

Obviously your kids have what the neighbor wants. Probably your attention. It probably doesn't help that your kids from home ed know things she doesn't. The topper is probably the gymnastics. She does not have the talent to do it. Probably has been told this by her father. I would definately explain to dd that the fat comment came from someone who is very envious of her physical abilities--that it was probably the only thing the neighbor could think of that would be hurtful.

 

The reality is there is probably nothing you can say to the mom to improve the situation. Their household is probably extremely high stress. She is probably unable to change her daughters behavior even if she wants to. Dd had a huge problem with "friends" daughter. A few months later there was a nasty divorce.

 

I would work at making your house and yard the fun place to be.

 

DH is in the reserves-- retired.:001_smile: I am so glad we have never had to live on base.

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[Shannon in TN]

But she was presumably speaking to other kids, yes? Who did and said what? Did they do as little miss queen bee instructed and ignore/exclude or did they tell her she should let your kids play and then actually talk to and play with your kids? The key is to get the rest of the kids on your side. I had a situation like this with a very bossy little boy who tried to rule the cliff behind my backyard fence. I solved the problem with popsicles and water guns. Seriously. Oh, Mortimer doesn't want you to play on the cliff with him right now? Oh, that is a bummer but you can ask Penelope over and she'll play on the cliff with you later! Would you like a Popsicle? Why don't you two play water guns? It is so warm out, you will have so much fun!" This must all occur within earshot and have a sincere tone of "no biggie" because we have other friends to play with and can have fun by ourselves. If they run away crying or otherwise react to an extreme (not eating at 7 after a comment like that would worry me, I will admit), it will only empower this girl and the situation will get worse. They need to stop feeding the monster. Strange as it may seem, try Popsicles and water guns (or whatever healthy snack and non-"violent" toy option would work for you :D). I fed Mortimer Popsicles for years and my kids spent lots of time playing with him on the cliff, riding bikes, playing kickball...all that while still maintaining the ability to occasionally say to him, "Seriously, Mortimer?! That is totally not cool." I had to teach them that though. ;) DD is a natural though. She does it with a roll of her eyes and one hand on her hip. She comes by that naturally. :lol:

 

:iagree:

 

Oh yes. I've been working on this. When I sit on the back porch and observe, I can hear one or more of the children (even my 4yo) calling B.S. in their own special way. They usually do a really good job but I think her words got to DD today. This particular nuisance child works best as a solo artist (hence my desire to try and keep them in groups). When the tree incident happened it was DS who got really upset so DD walked him home. Ehh...I tried the popscicles last year but, alas, mine had red dye No. 9812 so the other mom confiscated and replaced them with homemade lemonade pops and freshly popped popcorn (popped in Canola oil don'tcha know).:lol: Oy, I shall perservere!

 

She confiscated your pops but won't supervise her daughter's mouth? Sheesh. Break out the popcorn yourself and have a lemonade stand! Bake homemade cookies with all natural ingredients to go with the lemonade stand!

 

I like the suggestion of making your house the "fun house" with treats and water games (my new favorite with a group - sponge tag!) and when she starts being negative or bossy, intervene with a gentle reminder that at your house, things are said differently.

[ma23peas]

I always look at situations like these as why were we put here...in my book, there are few mistakes, God either wants us to be there to provide love for the wayward child or wants us to teach our kids how to respond....hate the sin, love the sinner...all good points to share with my children that all sin has consequences, their sin is no greater than our own...it is a very big skill to be able to love them in spite of their sin...children like this neighbor most likely see a great deal of poor behavior....We love them through it and pray God does not give us more than we can bear...when we are removed from people that are challenging, I rarely rejoice, but I feel hopeful that someone better than me can have impact on them....it is miserable to live a life devoid of compassion and kindness.

[TXMomof4]

Oh yes. I've been working on this. When I sit on the back porch and observe, I can hear one or more of the children (even my 4yo) calling B.S. in their own special way. They usually do a really good job but I think her words got to DD today. This particular nuisance child works best as a solo artist (hence my desire to try and keep them in groups). When the tree incident happened it was DS who got really upset so DD walked him home. Ehh...I tried the popscicles last year but, alas, mine had red dye No. 9812 so the other mom confiscated and replaced them with homemade lemonade pops and freshly popped popcorn (popped in Canola oil don'tcha know).:lol: Oy, I shall perservere!

 

Don't try to include the mean kids! Focus on the other kids and eventually the mean kids will come around - or no one will notice they're missing.

 

We had a very similar situation here - because of some rotten little boogers at the playground (immediately behind my house) I don't allow any of mine over there unless I can sit and watch. We just moved the party to my house. I do keep popsicles and popcorn in abundant supply and it is amazing how quickly the sweet kids abandon the meanies to come over here. I make it a big, big point to get to know the kids. I ask them about school, make sure they've done homework, just try to keep up with what they're doing and they like it here.

 

The mean kids come by every now and then and I graciously offer them the same popsicles and sit outside and watch like a hawk. It's funny how quickly interaction with an involved adult makes them either shape up or ship out!

 

The best part is I've really gotten to know a lot of these kids and they are so good. I never, ever wanted to be the hang-out house. I hated playdates when the kids were little. But this is good - I enjoy their friends.

[TXMomof4]

I always look at situations like these as why were we put here...in my book, there are few mistakes, God either wants us to be there to provide love for the wayward child or wants us to teach our kids how to respond....hate the sin, love the sinner...all good points to share with my children that all sin has consequences, their sin is no greater than our own...it is a very big skill to be able to love them in spite of their sin...children like this neighbor most likely see a great deal of poor behavior....We love them through it and pray God does not give us more than we can bear...when we are removed from people that are challenging, I rarely rejoice, but I feel hopeful that someone better than me can have impact on them....it is miserable to live a life devoid of compassion and kindness.

 

:iagree: The reality is some of the mean kids just need a little attention and time to be really pleasant, wonderful people. It doesn't cost me anything to give them the same ear I give the sweet kids. We've had more than one kid join our "bicycle mafia" when it became clear that this was a 'safe' place to hang out. I don't tolerate meanness. I hate it. My kids get sent inside if they're being ugly - bffs, kid next door - any of them get the same treatment and I think kids notice that. I just hope that at the next duty station they will remember to be kind.

[Sneezyone]

I honestly can't imagine why this child would be jealous of DD but I have long suspected that their leave it to beaver routine hides some unpleasantness. We let our warts show with pride and despite our disheveled exterior there is real love and mutual respect here. I will absolutely try to be more welcoming to the local crew and watch more. I will even go so for as to purchase organic grapes for sharing and pop my own popcorn...in canola oil. As the weather improves, it will be hard to separate them anyway. They run in a pack.

 

I'm kinda used to people calling my kids out if they are misbehaving or doing it myself if see others doing something wrong...preteens taking over the tot lot with foul language, for ex. This is normal. And yes, the woman really did replace the otter pops while I was still sitting on my stoop without ever correcting the bossy behavior. I actually do feel better already. These are not the types of convos I can have out loud so just sharing the craziness takes a load off. we will keep truckin' modeling good friend habits and see how things go. FWIW, DH emailed me this am to tell me not to jump into the abyss. Bless his heart, I was soooo close!:lol:

[Sneezyone]

BTW...I loooove the sponge tag idea. The first sunny day we get, it is so on!