swellmomma Posted April 20, 2012 Share Posted April 20, 2012 My ex and I have been separated for 11 years now. Last May he finally started having day visits with the kids working up to overnights with the kids after xmas. He has been less than stellar with them during his visits but unless the issues posed a health & safety risk (like when he refused to let them go to the bathroom before finishing a bottled water) I let it go. Recently though he started doing exactly what I feared he would. He started cancelling visits with little to no notice. Last month he had dd12 for a weekend, while ds13 was at scout camp. THe next visit dd was supposed to be at guide camp and ds13 go to dad's house. Well at the last minute ex decided he only wanted a day visit and was going to take ds13 to the home and garden trade show. Ds does NOT do well with crowds, noise etc it causes sensroy overload. Ds told dad he did not want to go and opted to stay home instead. Since then ex has been cancelling all teh kids visits. He was supposed to have them for the weekend 3 weeks ago. He called on Wednesday night saying that he suddenly has new shifts at work and so that weekend had to be cancelled and it was rescheduled to this weekend. I just got off the phone with him. He phoned at 830am to say he just got back from a weeklong trip to Mexico that apparently his bil offered him (I guess bil's new girlfriend broke up with him 3 weeks before the trip which had already been paid for). Anyway, my kids had their stuff packed and at the door waiting for this weekend visit and he cancelled on them again. Next weekend will be a day visit only as the kids have a babysitting course on Saturday so they will get to see him on Sunday in the city for a few hours. They are both upset with him. Because the visits etc were so new and they have not seen him for 10 years they still had this fairy tale version of him going on in their heads. They would say constantly that they wanted to go live with him because he was more fun etc. Well they are started to see him for what he is and it is breaking their hearts. I wanted to reach through the phone and smack him, but since the kids were in the room I kept it civil and polite etc. Luckily we already have the boy scout bottle drive tomorrow. so ds13 will be busy all day, and they both haven't seen their best friend much in the last 2 weeks since we were away last weekend so they will be able to keep busy this weekend. But that doesn't mend a brokn heart over a father that keeps cancelling on them. Loser! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted April 20, 2012 Share Posted April 20, 2012 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
*Lulu* Posted April 20, 2012 Share Posted April 20, 2012 :grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
luvnlattes Posted April 20, 2012 Share Posted April 20, 2012 Loser! Definitely! :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thescrappyhomeschooler Posted April 20, 2012 Share Posted April 20, 2012 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jennynd Posted April 20, 2012 Share Posted April 20, 2012 :grouphug: what a jerk..... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tammyla Posted April 20, 2012 Share Posted April 20, 2012 :grouphug:Watching their hearts break as a mom is beyond words; and I'm really they have to see him for what he is. Moms and dads should make you feel loved...even when it's not convenient. He's a donkey-butt. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jen in PA Posted April 20, 2012 Share Posted April 20, 2012 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DusksAngel Posted April 20, 2012 Share Posted April 20, 2012 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heather in Neverland Posted April 20, 2012 Share Posted April 20, 2012 I am so sorry they have to deal with this... And for your hurt as well. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BeachGirl Posted April 20, 2012 Share Posted April 20, 2012 Been there, done that, got the emotional scars to prove it. :grouphug: At this time your kids are becoming disillusioned with their dad. Unfortunately, you cannot stop the visits/cancellations if they are court ordered. You can make alternative plans for fun things to do when he does cancel. Just don't tell the kids about those plans in case your ex comes through. It sounds like his interest in the kids is tapering off. The initial fun is over and he is seeing how much hard work it is to raise kids. On the bright side, your children are gaining a new appreciation for you at this time. You are their rock. You are there for them and don't flake because a free vacation was offered. Continue being the fantastic mom you already are and just let the kids know you are there for them if they want to talk about what is happening with their dad. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Remudamom Posted April 20, 2012 Share Posted April 20, 2012 Reality can be a you know what. Better they find out now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
********* Posted April 20, 2012 Share Posted April 20, 2012 Swellmomma, that's a tough place to be for you AND the kids. I don't know what to say. Maybe start telling the ex that you will make plans for him to have the kids, but that the kids are NOT to know about the plans until he calls the day before to confirm? Just an idea. That way, they aren't let down. I don't know how that would really work, but it's worth a shot. I'm sure you already do this, but I just wanted to put it out there. The best thing you can do is remain supportive of your kids, while NOT saying anything truly negative about their dad. Your olders are old enough to start putting the pieces together on their own, iykwim. Best to remain as neutral as possible. For example, instead of saying 'You're dad flaked out again; man he's a loser' (which is, I'm guessing, what MOST of us would want to say), something like 'Some people don't think about how cancelling at the last minute can dissapoint others. Maybe you could talk to your dad next time you see him about how it makes you feel when he does that.' :grouphug: to you. Remember, if these visits aren't court ordered, you always have the option of stopping them altogether, if that's what is really the best for your kids. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
swellmomma Posted April 20, 2012 Author Share Posted April 20, 2012 Thanks everyone. I do not bad mouth him 98% of the time, occasionally something will slip out. When that happens I let my kids know that they are allowed to feel anyway they want about their dad, but as their mom sometimes people make me spitting mad when they disappoint them. They understand that. (that 2% of the time is nothing over the top bad either, it is me calling him an idiot or ann a$$hole or something, generally to someone else and one of the kids happens to over hear). The visits are not court ordered per se. Our custody agreement says visitation is to be open and generous based on mutually agreed upon times. He never bothered for years. For the kids benefit when he started taking an interest I did all I could to make it work. He has been finding me saying we are busy more frequently. I have told him to let me know at the start of the month what 2 weekends he wants, and then to confirm with me times etc by the end of Wednesday night that same week. Because he is coming from 5 hours away to pick them up I generally pack their things the Thursday night so they are ready to go and so that nothing gets forgotten (meds, supplements, soaker pad etc). I also confirm what actual activities he has planned (a-for safety, sometimes he doesn't think like a parent so he is all about the fun not whether something is age appropriate or safe, and b-in case they need anything extra, like a swim suit for example). When I had not heard from hi this week I suspected something was up. I called him and left a message last night saying if I didn't hear from him before I went to bed I was going to assume he decided to cancel it. He called at 830am. DS is still taking much of his frustration out on me but dd seems to be coming back around. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
********* Posted April 20, 2012 Share Posted April 20, 2012 Swellmomma, I've shared a bit on here before about my childhood. My dad got custody of me and my sisters back in the early 80's because he hired a private eye to reveal all the bad stuff my mom was involved in. We had weekend visits to my mom's for a while. But that got changed to supervised visits (where she would come see us for a few hours every other weekend at dad's house) because of the bad stuff going on at her house when we were there. Eventually, my mom stopped coming around all together when I was 8. I missed her. Even though my stepmom made sure us girls knew ALL the details about what a horrible person she was (NOT at an age appropriate level, mind you :glare:), us girls still missed our mommy. We cried sometimes; we were told to quit. Even today, at age 34, I still miss my mommy. I've gotten to reestablish a relationship with my bio mom's sisters (so obviously, my aunts :D) that my dad and stepmom cut off contact with around the same time my bio mom quit coming around. Even they, who really didn't want to say for fear of hurting me, confirmed that my mother was (and still is) not an upstanding person. But I still miss my mommy. In other words, I know my mom's a loser. I get it. But I miss having a mom. I wish she was (somewhere in the range of) a normal person. I wish she loved me, that she wanted to see me, that she bothered at all. Your kids are NORMAL for missing, loving, and wanting a relationship with their dad. It's DAD that there's something wrong with. That, in my opinion, is a very important thing to help them understand. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Denisemomof4 Posted April 20, 2012 Share Posted April 20, 2012 What a rotten father. Rotten. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
moonlight Posted April 20, 2012 Share Posted April 20, 2012 i'm sorry! you are in a hard place.:grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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