So, my dh found my birth mother....

[Mommyfaithe]

:grouphug:Oh, Faithe. :grouphug:

 

I know this has to be making old wounds fresh for you. I'm praying for you.

 

Thank you. I need the prayers right now.

[Mommyfaithe]

Do you think you have a complete picture of what happened? Not snarky - truly asking. I work in crisis counseling and I know the panic and desperation many young women feel when they are pregnant and decide to choose adoption.

I don't know if this is what happened in your case, just wondering if there were circumstances you don't know.

 

It often is felt by the children as a form of rejection. I completely understand why you feel you cannot relate to her. On the other hand, if I was your mother, I would be so scared of this reaction because whatever happened back then, you don't know if she is still the same woman. If she was flaky and immature, she may have grown and matured over the years. The mistakes she made back then are still mistakes with painful consequences...which is why (I think) God offers His children grace. :grouphug:

 

This does not mean you are obligated to meet anyone if you don't think you can do it. I just wanted to offer a view from another angle.

 

This is what I am hoping.....

 

I don't really harbor I'll will....just a general nothingness toward the situation, which always seemed to matter to everyone else. It just never seemed important. If I adopted a baby, it would be my baby...no matter if it came from my body or not. My parents loved me as their baby, the best they knew how. There is enough pain and dysfunction in that relationship, that opening myself up to a new one is sort of ludicrous.

 

I know we all make mistakes, and have terrible judgement, that sometimes leads to lifelong consequences....and hurts those around us....

 

I always wanted my Birthmother to be happy, and to have gone on with her life knowing I was OK....and in a home where I was loved.

I am not sure I want to throw out a line, and not be answered....or rejected again. I am not sure my heart can handle that....then again, maybe I just won't care:001_huh:.

 

Last night I tried to pray to forgive her....but I realized I had done that A longtime ago. Now, I am praying she forgives herself, and her other children are ok too. FWIW, her ex-husband sounds like a really lovely man.

 

 

 

I am truly feeling the LOVE from my friends on this forum. Thank you all for being such an important part in my life. I really wish I could meet you all in real live person. THAT would be so awesome!!!

[Mommyfaithe]

Faithe, there is lots of love for you over this. Can you feel it? You're not alone.

 

 

I haven't talked to my father in 20 years and he only lives about 40 minutes away. The thought of even seeing him gives me what I can eloquently call an "icky feeling" and thankfully he doesn't try to make contact with me. If my husband made contact I think I would need a bottle of Zanax. I would not feel emotionally safe and it would derail my life. I can understand somewhat.

 

When I read your description of your situation, it felt to me like a chink has been knocked out of the wall that separated you from your birth mom and now you are almost able to peer into her world, but would you even want to? Isn't it safer to not look in right now until you can think and pray about it? Your emotional safety is the most important thing. Your hubby's actions might have given you a choice you don't want to make but you really need each other right now. I hope your dh can just be there for you in whatever way you need as you experience all those feelings that must be wanting to pour out of you.

 

Last thought - can you talk to a counselor about this?

 

:grouphug::grouphug:

I am going to seek out counseling on this. I really don't want to discuss it with my family as they are all raging extroverts....and I am an introvert:D

 

They don't get my apathy in the situation, and I am afraid I may be just holding some serious issues inside.....or maybe not....maybe they are all curious cats who don't realize the old axiom.:D

[Mommyfaithe]

I'm sure your DH had nothing but the best of intentions, but really, it seems to me that this wasn't his search to do.

 

I agree with everyone who has said that you don't have to do anything. And furthermore, not doing anything now doesn't mean that you can't do something later. You can think about this for as long as you want. Or not. It is entirely up to you.

 

The only thing that I *would* do would be to tell my DH as gently and as lovingly as possible, to back the heck off in the biofamily department. This is your life, your history, and your story, and these are your decisions.

 

:grouphug::grouphug: I'm so sorry you've been having a tough time lately. I wish you much strength, and good health.

:iagree::iagree:

 

This wasn't his search to do....but, he did it and now it is done. I think it was a whim. He was playing with his new iPad....and just did a simple google search....he was much more emotional about it than I was. He was all teary. Me, I was :001_huh: blank!!! Seriously, there must be something wrong with my emotions.

 

My life, story, history etc. Just does not stem from my biological connection to total strangers. My parents ( who adopted me), were not the winners of any parenting awards, but they loved me and my brother the best they could. I was not an easy kid....neither was my brother.

 

So, now it is out there.....and I am just going to sit on it awhile.....

[Mommyfaithe]

Thanks Imp. This was helpful! Welcome back and I have been so happy to read your joyful updates!! Blessings and happiness in your new home!:grouphug:

 

You don't have to do anything.

 

The only thing you need to do is what is right for you, and you deserve time to decide what that may be.

 

Don't let what other's think is 'right' push you into any decisions that you can't undo, that may not be right for you.

 

Wolf had no desire to ever meet his bmom. Turned out that she died before he started looking, which he found was a relief. All her kids, except the youngest dd have FASD to one degree or another. He never wanted anything to do w/her.

 

His bfather...He did want a chance to contact. Unfortunately, I located him only to find out he'd passed away a few mths prior.

 

Sounds like you went looking to start w/b/c of what someone else wanted, not any desire of your own. Figure out what it is that you need/want, and take it from there.

 

There is no wrong answer to this, Faithe. You don't HAVE to feel one way or the other. However YOU feel is the right way, regardless of anyone else's opinion.

 

Fwiw, I met my mom's first dh, and my younger brother many yrs ago. Neither became a lasting part of my life. Not all searches have 'happily ever after' endings.

[ma23peas]

Maybe these scenarios will help you...for what it can...

 

My husband and his sister were both adopted..here are their stories.

 

My husband was exactly like you, had no desire to find his parents...his sister did. My mom (because their own parents are not quite the type you can depend on and have thier own issues and because my mom considers herself a Magnum PI) helped her find her parents. But, in the midst of this, they hit a wall, TN would not release birth records for 5 more years...but now they both (my husband's sister and my mom-with my could care less husband's permission) set their paths on finding his story.

 

We did find his parents, perfectly convinced by neighbor's reports/hospital records/etc...that we know who his mother was. Not quite a good situation...she had 7 children, was pregnant by a man who was not the father to the other 7, b/c my husband's parents were alcoholics (but very successful) they could not adopt through the state, too many issues...so they essentially paid this woman for their son...the woman (now in her 80's) refuses to admit my husband is her son. Her children believe he is and we have exchanged pictures...we did find out his maternal grandmother was 100% Cherokee...so that was kind of neat and they have the tribe number or whatever that is. But, it just fell by the wayside..no one talks to anyone...no sense in 'proving' it is what it is...one son was very interested b/c he thought my husband was HIS son, turns out his girfriend had twins the year after my husband was born and they were put up for adoption without his consent...I had a hard time convincing him that all my husband's baby pictures say 1967 not 1968..he was delusional enough to think his girlfriend's wealthy mother changed all the dates on the photographs...uhm..no. It was just odd...but I think did help dh to 'know' more facts and the Indian relation was kind of cool.

 

After five years, my husband's sister was able to find her mother...I won't go into particulars for privacy, but there was a very good reason she had to adopt out...she now has 3 half sisters and a loving mother who has even met with their adoptive parents...the first year, it was rough...but now they do things together and I think it has been a wonderful blessing for his sister. There are so many stories...some are great, some are good, but in my book..you can never have enough people to love you or your children...so it's a chance worth taking.

[Scuff]

I mentioned in the other thread that my dad found his biodad when I was 12. It does open a can of worms. Whatever circumstances there were, there will be some things that just hurt. When he found his dad, he also found out that ggm worked against his parents being together, that his dad had been to our area several times during his growing up, but never saw him, and that he went on to have another son, who got to be raised by biodad, that he also named after himself. (this one particularly bothered him. Even though he had changed his name at 18, it made him feel like biodad didn't care that he even existed.) it all worked out in the end. We all went on to have a good relationship. But there wee things for my dad to work through.

 

All that to say that there will be things for tou to work through. Things will surface that you didn't know about and it will hurt. Some of it will be easy to overlook or understand. Some of it will cut deep. You should not persue this until you are ready to deel with these things. I don't think you are neccessarily truely ambivilent to all this. Maybe you are. Maybe you forgave her and have moved on and don't have a need for this. That's entiredly possible. It's also possible that you have a well of emotions buried down so deep even you don't know it's there. Only your heavenly Father can work through that and He does it gentlly in perfect time. Hugs. You have no obligation here.

Edited April 15, 2012 by Scuff

[amyable]

 

I think I am interested....in just for the sake of knowing, interested. I am not sure I would want a relationship. My dh and my kids ARE my family. I need to consider their feelings and how this impacts my kids.

 

 

 

I'm adopted and this is how I feel (given my own personal situation). I would want pictures, I would maybe want contact with siblings... I think I would be googling the heck out of everyone's names and driving by trying to catch a glimpse of their lives before doing anything at all. :lol:

 

I also would be worried about my own family (dh/kids) - it would take a lot of time and trust before I would even give contact information other than perhaps an email or 3rd party phone number.

 

I *have* "internet searched" for my bio family for years - especially lately because all of my children have quirky immune systems and other issues, and I guess I want the family history for their sake. No luck though. It does hurt...and not just a little.

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: to you as you think about all this.

[Impish]

One thing I would caution you about:

 

Just as there's the possibility for rejection, there's also the possibility that more of a relationship may be demanded than what you're prepared for, or want.

 

Really take some time, pray about it...there's no rush in this.

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[kalanamak]

Abandon....as in...leave baby with neighbor and never come back. She contacted her parents to make sure I was OK. ONCE...then neighbor surrendered me to adoption agency. She needed to be tracked down to sign adoption papers, which she did.

 

Abandon...As in leave and not come back without leaving a forwarding address or phone #....then going on with your life A's if you never had a baby.

 

Given your description, I would think, if I were in your shoes, I would be VERY careful about contacting her, and would NOT do it just because hubby found her or someone wanted me to. I'm going by how I would interpret my current feelings on the situation, if I was using this language.

 

It is clear you feel very betrayed (which is not an unusual feeling in this situation!) I would only contact if I felt much more curiosity and love than betrayal. I bid you wisdom in your decisions. It would not be an easy one for me. :grouphug:

[jrn]

I can't offer any advice just lots of :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[mumto2]

Amyable has some great advice. Sorry I have no idea how to quote. Please think hard before you let them have your personal info.

 

Different situation -- but through finding my family tree I managed to bring distant cousins into my family's lives. My dad remembered them from childhood and told me not to contact them. Did I listen? Of course not! Nothing really bad happened but things got really weird for a while. At one point they moved their motor home into my mom's backyard. My dad had died so he wasn't there to make them leave. They didn't really want to end their "vacation". Not good! All this because I sent a letter filled with details!

[Mommyfaithe]

Amyable has some great advice. Sorry I have no idea how to quote. Please think hard before you let them have your personal info.

 

Different situation -- but through finding my family tree I managed to bring distant cousins into my family's lives. My dad remembered them from childhood and told me not to contact them. Did I listen? Of course not! Nothing really bad happened but things got really weird for a while. At one point they moved their motor home into my mom's backyard. My dad had died so he wasn't there to make them leave. They didn't really want to end their "vacation". Not good! All this because I sent a letter filled with details!

 

OY!!!! I think I saw a movie about that once. I really have no problems placing bounaries...saying no....or get out or I will call the cops....sorry you had to deal with this.:grouphug:

[TranquilMind]

It's not like you have to do anything. Now. Or in a week. Or in a year.

 

Give yourself time to process it all. Go through all your emotions. Then think about what you want to do. No rush.

 

:grouphug:

Do whatever you want to do when you want to do it.

 

I'd be curious to meet them, but when I was as emotionally ready as I thought I was going to be. On the other hand, I'm a really impatient, "Let's just get it over with so I can put it away if it won't work" kind of person, so I might meet her this weekend, just so I could let it rest.

 

You have to do what is right for you. You know how you operate.

[shanezomom]

Faithe, do we know if your biological mother is interested in a meeting? Maybe she isn't ready or inclined toward the meet up that your husband envisioned.

 

I prayed very specifically for your situation in church today, and will continue to do so.

 

Maybe you should fly down to Cincinnati later this week for the homeschool convention where the WTM group can give you a hug and you can get away from the situation for a couple days.

[FO4UR]

:grouphug:

 

 

Do whatever it is that you need to do, in your own time.

[KrissiK]

:grouphug:

 

 

Do whatever it is that you need to do, in your own time.

 

:iagree: I am not adopted, but my brother is and my own 5 children all are. One of my daughters was abandoned at birth. My heart aches for her, when she's at the age to really understand and know the implications of all that. It seems like every adoptee has their own way of dealing with things, their own desires regarding meeting bio family, their own pain. You do what's right for you!