PentecostalMom Posted March 3, 2012 Share Posted March 3, 2012 about kids birth order. I have seen many recommend that fostering should leave your oldest child as the oldest. since out oldes ds is not in our home because he is away at college, should we then use out next oldest as the "oldest" since she actually is the oldest at home? We are planning to go to an orientation this coming week. We have been talking about it and praying about it for a long time. Planning to take it slowly and see where God leads us. Thanks! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted March 3, 2012 Share Posted March 3, 2012 Yes, go according to the children still at home. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mommyof4ks Posted March 3, 2012 Share Posted March 3, 2012 We were told not to take kids older than our youngest. It was eye opening having foster kids in our home. So many came from very violent situations, and were violent toward our kids during the first few months in our home. It was a blessing for our family to have them here, but there were many things that the classes we took did not prepare us for. We will pray for your family as you move forward. You will bring such joy and hope into the lives of those precious children. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted March 3, 2012 Share Posted March 3, 2012 We were told not to take kids older than our youngest. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Julie in Austin Posted March 3, 2012 Share Posted March 3, 2012 The standard advice is that all of your foster kids should be younger than your youngest. Having (briefly) been a foster parent, I would say that your oldest foster child should be at least 5 years younger than your youngest child. This is, I think, a reasonable precaution to protect your bio kids from the violent or sexual behavior that a foster child may display. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happyhomemaker25 Posted March 3, 2012 Share Posted March 3, 2012 about kids birth order. I have seen many recommend that fostering should leave your oldest child as the oldest. since out oldes ds is not in our home because he is away at college, should we then use out next oldest as the "oldest" since she actually is the oldest at home? We are planning to go to an orientation this coming week. We have been talking about it and praying about it for a long time. Planning to take it slowly and see where God leads us. Thanks! Honestly, looking at the ages of your two youngest I'd wait just a bit. We agreed to wait until Jonathan turned 5 and then only take 3 and under. Lily surprised us though and the wait is back on. Our first go round we did not have any kids so we took all ages. It worked out great for us. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
anmom Posted March 3, 2012 Share Posted March 3, 2012 I agree about keeping the birth order with your children that are still at home, that is what we do. I do want to point out that it isnt always as bad as what people make it out to be. We have had a very blessed and wonderful experience with foster care. While we DO have problems and there are ups and downs, I wouldnt trade doing it for the world. I think a lot of people tend to forget that the kids are in care by no fault of their own, but by the problems and attitudes of their parents. Good luck on your journey! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
newbie Posted March 3, 2012 Share Posted March 3, 2012 The standard advice is that all of your foster kids should be younger than your youngest. Having (briefly) been a foster parent, I would say that your oldest foster child should be at least 5 years younger than your youngest child. This is, I think, a reasonable precaution to protect your bio kids from the violent or sexual behavior that a foster child may display. This a great suggestion, coming from a family who fostered kids, and back in the day they were older, by about 10 years, it was a nightmare. i cannot express what damge this caused having older foster children in my home. Extremely abusive kids passing along the abuse they learned. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
In the Rain Posted March 3, 2012 Share Posted March 3, 2012 I would say that your oldest foster child should be at least 5 years younger than your youngest child. This is, I think, a reasonable precaution to protect your bio kids from the violent or sexual behavior that a foster child may display. :iagree: I have a relative who does foster care. Some of those kids have been through a lot. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cara in Ky Posted March 4, 2012 Share Posted March 4, 2012 I agree about only taking children younger than your youngest by several years. With babies, it wouldn't make as much of a difference. We did not do this in the past. Our DD is 1 month younger than our DS and I wouldn't change that for anything. HOWEVER, our last FD was 1 year younger than our youngest and did a lot of damage. Never again will I have a child so close in age to my forever children. It just isn't worth taking the chance of them harming your children. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pamela H in Texas Posted March 4, 2012 Share Posted March 4, 2012 There are people who take older kids and it works out FINE. But when I think of our experience..... My foster-to-adopt children are MUCH younger than my biological children. I still cringed, for months, at the things my teens were exposed to. Seriously, these littles (who came at 5, almost 4, and almost 3) had seen, done, been through, and heard soooooooooooooooooooo much. You have to decide how much exposure you want your current littles to be exposed to. Bad words and attitudes and aggressiveness really are the least of it. Now, again though, not every foster kid has been through what mine have. And not all will bring it into your home so directly even if they have. But it is a risk you take. Even if CPS *knows* they aren't likely to tell you (like in our case); and so often, they just can't know especially if the child is coming from home rather than another placement. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted March 4, 2012 Share Posted March 4, 2012 I agree about keeping the birth order with your children that are still at home, that is what we do. I do want to point out that it isnt always as bad as what people make it out to be. We have had a very blessed and wonderful experience with foster care. While we DO have problems and there are ups and downs, I wouldnt trade doing it for the world. I think a lot of people tend to forget that the kids are in care by no fault of their own, but by the problems and attitudes of their parents. Good luck on your journey! I completely agree that not every situation is 'worst case scenario'. That being said, far too many foster parents have said that they were not fully informed/educated, so I think discussing what might be is very valid, b/c it's not a guarantee that the foster agency WILL fully disclose and fully educate prospective foster parents. I'm a big believer in 'hope for the best, prepare for the worst'...and in this situation, if the worst isn't something you can handle, it might be worth waiting a bit until children are older. A bell cannot be unrung, kwim? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PentecostalMom Posted March 4, 2012 Author Share Posted March 4, 2012 I don't know about other places, but here we can limits, ages, genders, things kids have been exposed to, sexual preferences, smoking, etc. We are going to have to fill out this paperwork this week so we are reviewing it now. It is a lot to consider! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mommyfaithe Posted March 4, 2012 Share Posted March 4, 2012 The standard advice is that all of your foster kids should be younger than your youngest. Having (briefly) been a foster parent, I would say that your oldest foster child should be at least 5 years younger than your youngest child. This is, I think, a reasonable precaution to protect your bio kids from the violent or sexual behavior that a foster child may display. :iagree: It is wonderful to be a blessing to a needy child, but not at the sacrifice of your own kids. I would not foster children less than 4 or 5 years younger than my own children. Faithe Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cathy in IL Posted March 4, 2012 Share Posted March 4, 2012 After fostering about 70 children, I would recommend taking children younger than your youngest unless you feel a very clear leading to make an exception in a particular case. I have taken a few older children, but only for very short times. Each one of them had intense issues and said things that I would not typically have exposed my children to. I never had a placement that I regretted taking, but I had some I had to end early and several that have stayed in my heart and mind for years. Fostering is an incredibly emotional experience. You enter into a child's pain with no control over the decisions that will be made and how t will end. But no matter how it ends, if you love them well, that. Hold knows what real love looks like - even if only for awhile. I believe that knowledge of love stays in them and must help in some way. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Perogi Posted March 4, 2012 Share Posted March 4, 2012 I don't know about other places, but here we can limits, ages, genders, things kids have been exposed to, sexual preferences, smoking, etc. We are going to have to fill out this paperwork this week so we are reviewing it now. It is a lot to consider! We always stick to taking kids younger than our youngest. We first started with a newborn when our youngest was 2 and even though the newborn obviously didn't bring any bad influence it was still difficult and I often wish we had waited a little longer. We ended up relocating due to a job change so we were essentially forced to take a break. We are nearly finished our approval here and our youngest is nearly 5 - I can now appreciate the advice to keep the foster children 5 years younger than the youngest. As far as limits on what you are willing/able to take....really, the only limits anyone can be sure to maintain are the age and gender. When a child is coming into care no one knows what they have been exposed to or how they'll act out and behave in your home. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pamela H in Texas Posted March 4, 2012 Share Posted March 4, 2012 (edited) As far as limits on what you are willing/able to take....really, the only limits anyone can be sure to maintain are the age and gender. When a child is coming into care no one knows what they have been exposed to or how they'll act out and behave in your home. Yes. You can set your limits all you want; but that information will be withheld many times and largely unknown most times. I wrote an EXTREMELY graphic post but it'd just get removed. Seriously, what these kids could bring into your home is that bad. Toddlers and preschoolers who just know, have seen, have DONE, and *will* do too much in every way. How will you explain that to your children? How will you not shame the toddler? How will you protect them all in the middle of the night or while you're nursing or when you're cooking supper? I highly suggest only infants for awhile. I hate suggesting that. I have just seen too much...all my "but maybes" have flown out the window. The kids you have already come first. Edited March 4, 2012 by 2J5M9K Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tap Posted March 4, 2012 Share Posted March 4, 2012 The standard advice is that all of your foster kids should be younger than your youngest. Having (briefly) been a foster parent, I would say that your oldest foster child should be at least 5 years younger than your youngest child. This is, I think, a reasonable precaution to protect your bio kids from the violent or sexual behavior that a foster child may display. :iagree: Foster children can come in with knowlege that is years ahead of what you would expect as age appropriate behavior. The only exception, would be maybe taking in a child that is under 2yo, preferably closer to 1yo or younger. Even then, I would still want my youngest to be at least a year or two older. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ottakee Posted March 4, 2012 Share Posted March 4, 2012 I don't know about other places, but here we can limits, ages, genders, things kids have been exposed to, sexual preferences, smoking, etc. We are going to have to fill out this paperwork this week so we are reviewing it now. It is a lot to consider! But very often the workers do NOT have this information. I have never had information hidden from us in a foster situation BUT I have gotten calls where they didnt' even have the very basics down--age and gender. My own 16dd came to us as a "healthy, normally developing African American/Native American little 8 month old gir"...........who just happened to be VERY sick, developmentally at a 2 week old level (no eye contact, tracking, cooing, sitting, rolling, etc)...........and WHITE as WHITE could be---with white blond hair and blue eyes. I agree with all of those that say to stick with infants under 1 year old IF you do anything at this stage. Seriously, I have had 2 and 3 year olds in the house that were used as adult movie "stars" and other horrific things that they would act out as they didn't know life any diffently. 15 month olds that could cuss like a sailor VERY CLEARLY. A child not yet 2 that was getting in the knives and very violent (who has since been in residential for attempted murder). We have had other kids a bit older that were dreams and had no severe behavioral issues BUT it is very difficult to know that going in. We have had over 100 kids and there is a HUGE need for good foster homes but you need to put the kids already in your home first and protect their safety and innocence. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cara in Ky Posted March 4, 2012 Share Posted March 4, 2012 "As far as limits on what you are willing/able to take....really, the only limits anyone can be sure to maintain are the age and gender. When a child is coming into care no one knows what they have been exposed to or how they'll act out and behave in your home." :iagree: No bio parent is going to tell the SW that they have done drugs in front of their children, given them drugs or even what type of abuse has happened. The workers pick the kids up and drop them off at the foster parent's door. Very rarely do they really know what type of behaviors the children will exhibit. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.