Showers for second babies?

[Storm Bay]

I assumed the spiritual life comment was directed to me, since I'd mentioned that my attitude toward one family was less than charitable. :)

 

Oops:o, you might be right. I wasn't sure, so I took a look at the threaded mode and it hooked out from mine. However, that would have happened even if she posted at the end. But I did feel I'd stated my case rudely.

[akmommy]

I didn't have a shower with the the first, did with my second, and didn't with the third. I can say say though that there was definitely no shortage of gifts with any of them.

 

The grandparents were always good about making sure we had any big ticket items that were needed, and my favorite gifts were always diapers and wipes.

 

Most showers I have been to for 2nd, third and beyond the requested gifts are usually the consumables or other small things that might not be saved.

[Sahamamama]

... it does seem to be a bit much, unless the children are many years apart, or if there are some other extenuating circumstances, such as a house fire, or something drastic. Otherwise, yes, it does seem grabby.

 

When we had our first daughther, my mom and sister put together a lovely baby shower for us. But when our twins (both girls) were born less than two years later, we neither had nor expected a shower. I do remember thinking, "Sigh, I suppose those days of being the New Mommy and Daddy are over." But I got over that fast when the twins came -- my arms were too full of babies to unwrap any more presents. Our girls were the gift.

[dragons in the flower bed]

The point is the joy of welcoming a new baby. That is the norm here. I don't buy two gifts for the same child--unless I really want to.

 

That's what it's been about in my experience, too: letting the baby and the mama know that the community is behind them, behind this pregnancy.

 

In my social circle, baptism, a bris, or a saining would be attended only by close family, or done privately, but a baby shower is the welcoming celebration that acquaintances or work friends are expected to attend. Often families have multiple showers for each baby, hosted by different groups the parents are a part of -- the work baby shower, the baby shower at your toddler's playgroup, and the baby shower from your sisters or best friend. Concurrent with this, I've seen the cost, quality and number of gifts presented go way, way down, as is appropriate, I think.

 

Also, many baby showers are taking on more of a blessingway feel. At the shower for my youngest, my guests made onesies (I had bought the supplies) and painted an amazing mural on my belly cast. I attempted to convince friends that I didn't want gifts. At other showers, we've done babywearing tutorials, made bracelets to symbolize solidarity with the mom, and other activities of emotional support.

 

I do think it is appropriate to shower the parents with support for each and every child, because the more you have, the more aghast society in general becomes. I wouldn't equate that with gift-giving, however, and I would make that clear to my guests in the invitations.

[Plaid Dad]

I do think it is appropriate to shower the parents with support for each and every child, because the more you have, the more aghast society in general becomes. I wouldn't equate that with gift-giving, however, and I would make that clear to my guests in the invitations.

 

I like that way of looking at it! :)

[Brindee]

 

and painted an amazing mural on my belly cast.

What's a belly cast?

[Old Dominion Heather]

I think it is not tacky to have a shower for a second kids IF it is a different sex than the first kid OR someone who is not related throws the party. And even then, I've NEVER been to a shower where more than 20 people were invited.

[KathyJo]

That's what it's been about in my experience, too. It's about letting the baby and the mama know that the community is behind her and behind this pregnancy.

 

:iagree: This is why I kind of wish I'd had some sort of gift-free thing with my three younger boys. It would have been nice to have a celebration to welcome my child after months of hearing, "Another one??" and "You figure out what's causing that?" and etc. :tongue_smilie:

 

So part of the problem is how much to compromise on our own strongly held convictions when it comes to gifting people who don't share those convictions, and may in fact reject them just as strongly. Do we buy what they're asking for even if we believe that such things are harmful? Or do we give things we think will be helpful, knowing that it's entirely possible those gifts will be neither appreciated nor used?

 

I do get this, though. It's been a while since I've been to a baby shower, but I did recently decide that when it happens again, I'm knitting the baby a newborn hat and matching booties. They're cute, practical, necessary, and will bring joy to me, the giver, as well as (hopefully) the receiver.

 

(ETA: I also love the idea of the breastfeeding basket and the books for babies. Ctrl-P time.)

 

Whether they're for wedding or baby showers, I detest gift registries to the point where I usually just end up buying a gift card to the store if I feel that another gift wouldn't be appreciated. It's a fine line for me because I can see how it's better for people to get items that they actually need or want, but at the same time, the whole idea just puts this feeling of obligation on the gift giver. You know, when you're the guest who can only afford a single plate from the chosen place setting?

 

When there's an actual need, I can see having a group get together to buy necessary big ticket items. But I can't help but feel offended when someone wants the most expensive one of everything and then expects others to chip in to buy the items. Maybe I'm uncharitable, too, but if my children don't need $200 designer car seats, then I'm not sure why I should help get them for other people's kids.

[summer]

I think they are seeing the showers as being for the baby and not for the mother. I guess I can see it both ways. It is to have fun with and celebrate the baby. It does not help that pretty much every babybook out there wants the baby shower recorded in it. Due to the fact that I have never had a baby shower, this was a huge problem in picking a book.

 

I would send diapers as a gift. That is what I always give. I figure no matter how many diapers a parent has, they can use more. (unless they do cloth, in which case, maybe you can give wipes or baby detergent or something).

[summer]

I will say one thing that really bothered me. I wanted a baby shower with my 2nd child. I did not really get one with my first. I tried to have one, but did not know many people here and even my own family members did not want to come. My mother made a huge issue of no one should ever have a shower on the 2nd baby, regardless of if they did with the first baby. Later, when my sister, who had multiple showers with her first baby, had her 2nd baby, my very excited mother insisted on a huge baby shower. She wanted me to help throw it. I had thrown my sister's first baby shower. One of the reasons I never had a shower with my first baby really is my sister said she wanted to throw it and would be upset if anyone else did as she should come first, but then she never threw it. A friend tried to put together one at the end, when the baby came. But my own sister and none of my inlaws would come. The baby was quite sickly and screamed and cried around the clock so nothing went over well. So, back to my sister's 2nd baby. She had 3 baby showers. The 3rd one was one that my mother wanted me to throw her and I did not want to throw. I did not throw it, but my mother put my name as one of the hostesses so I got RSVP calls and such. Then she insisted I come and help her because she is disabled and cannot do it by herself. I was beyond offended.

 

But what I am trying to say, it is about the fact that she did nothing for me and pretty much prevented me from having a shower at all for my first. Then insisted on having several showers for the 2 children she had. I found it very offensive. SO, I think if someone is sweet to you and all, you should repay the kindness. But if someone didn't give you a baby gift or acknowledge the birth of your baby or come to your shower, or tell you that you should not have a shower, then you should not. Also, if you are not close to this person and it just feels like they invited you to get more and bigger expensive things, then I would not bother either. But if it seems like just a genuine celebration of the baby and they would want you there even if you did not have a penny to give, then I would go.

[melissel]

So part of the problem is how much to compromise on our own strongly held convictions when it comes to gifting people who don't share those convictions, and may in fact reject them just as strongly. Do we buy what they're asking for even if we believe that such things are harmful? Or do we give things we think will be helpful, knowing that it's entirely possible those gifts will be neither appreciated nor used?

 

I'd be very interested to hear other people's thoughts on this, because it comes up again and again for us. We don't want to impose our beliefs on others, but neither do we relish being put in a position where the only socially acceptable thing is to go against our beliefs. What says the hive? :bigear:

 

Well, I haven't read all the replies, but here's my take on it. Whether or not someone chooses to have a shower that I agree with isn't so much my business (though my DH may hear about it in our own home :lol:). Often, family and/or friends insist on a shower and a registry. They want to know what to buy, specifically. Both sides of our family are like that, though they did not throw me a second shower because I said I didn't want one, and because they knew that we needed nothing (co-slept, breastfed, cloth diapered, had oodles and oodles of hand-me-downs), and because everyone who would have insisted was in the process of moving. It sounds a lot like you have this family's number, so I totally think you did the right thing by being "busy" and planning to give a small gift, or even none at all (I don't ascribe to the theory that if invited to something, you must send a gift even if you don't go--sorry, Miss Manners!).

 

As for the gifts that go against out beliefs, I don't give gifts that go against my strongly held beliefs, but neither do I give gifts that support mine while ignoring the recipient's. For example, I generally won't buy formula as a gift, but I won't go out and buy someone who has registered for formula a breast pump either. If I feel a gift is warranted, I'll gladly buy a neutral gift--books or a gift card or clothes. If I don't feel a gift is warranted--if we're not particularly close to the family in question, or if I feel we're being invited to pad the gift table, I just won't give one. I feel fine with that. There were some people who came to our wedding who gave us $25, and some who gave us hideous, dollar-store champagne glasses. There was someone who came to our first baby shower and gave us dollar store, terry cloth "knee pads" for when baby begins to crawl. No big deal. They're our family, and we don't love them any less. If your friends' are ticked at your decisions around their shower, they're not really friends anyway.

 

That's my 50 cents :lol:

[PariSarah]

Is it common these days for families having a second child soon after the first to have another round of baby showers?

 

One of these families had no less than four showers for their last child, and this time around invited more than 50 people to the shower, which they are hosting at their own house. Are other people seeing what I'm seeing here, or am I being uncharitable?

 

In fact, I think people don't get together and celebrate each others' life events often enough. I love seeing a community embrace families in this way. My church welcomes every baby with a few weeks of meals for the family, and if the family is involved in Sunday School, their class will often throw a party of some kind, even if it's not the first baby. I think it's a lovely tradition.

 

Most of the time, the parties/showers for already-established families are modest, in terms of gifts. (I asked the women who threw me a shower for Theo to let invitees know that gifts were not expected at all, and I've been invited to showers with similar notes on the invite.) If I were invited to a shower for a "subsequent" baby, I would probably bring a handknit item--something special and useful but not expensive. (Of course, I would probably bring the same for a first baby, too! But that has more to do with my current income than anything else. :D)

 

Yes, I see what you're seeing, and I think you're seeing clearly. But the best response is, I think, to welcome and celebrate the baby as all babies deserve to be welcomed and celebrated. The parents' response to your gift is on their heads. Their ungraciousness (even greed?) need have no bearing on you.

 

Showers are one of the last remnants of societal practices that used to encourage community. :grouphug: Let's keep them! Even if people are approaching them the wrong way, there's a kernel of something important there. It's worth cultivating.

[PariSarah]

In thinking about this more, I'm realizing that my final question was a false dichotomy. These people are being greedy and I'm being uncharitably crabby about it. These are people whose materialism I frankly disapprove of...and my disapproval changes nothing for them, but makes me bitter and resentful. I need to get over that, not only because it's fruitless, but because it's bad for my spiritual health.

 

I should have read all the way through before answering. It sounds like you've got it under control.

 

:D

[dragons in the flower bed]

What's a belly cast?

 

My partner wrapped my pregnant belly and booKs with a paper mache like sculpting medium. When it was dry, we removed it. Here's a website with pictures.

[Mamagistra]

I do think it is appropriate to shower the parents with support for each and every child, because the more you have, the more aghast society in general becomes.

 

When a church acquaintance asked if she and others could give me a shower with my fourth baby, I asked if we might hold a shower for a local crisis pregnancy center instead. I thought it would be nice to bless others with the many things that would be given that I simply didn't need. Apparently, no one else thought it was appropriate because it never happened. :huh:

 

Sigh...

[lynn]

It is quite common to have showers for #2 or 3 etc usually if there is a several year age gap. I had 3 with my first and 0 with my second but they were only 2.5years apart. I had 2 with my third, whole new group of friends and church and 5 years since #2. and 1 with #5 but had a lot of old friends stop by the hospital (we had just moved back into town a couple months prior) it was almost 6 years between #3 and #4.

[runningirl71]

So part of the problem is how much to compromise on our own strongly held convictions when it comes to gifting people who don't share those convictions, and may in fact reject them just as strongly. Do we buy what they're asking for even if we believe that such things are harmful? Or do we give things we think will be helpful, knowing that it's entirely possible those gifts will be neither appreciated nor used?

 

I'd be very interested to hear other people's thoughts on this, because it comes up again and again for us. We don't want to impose our beliefs on others, but neither do we relish being put in a position where the only socially acceptable thing is to go against our beliefs. What says the hive? :bigear:

 

Well, we have found ourselves in very similiar situations before. We had lived outside the US for almost 10 years, in a third world country. When we moved back 2 years ago, we were shocked by the overall materialism of Americans. Not every American is this way, you can find people who aren't, but in our circle of friends and our family, it is definitely there.

 

I do what I feel comfortable with/convicted about when it comes to gift giving. It is very, very hard though, especially when I'm dealing with family! I try and give presents that I feel are useful or have some type of value. I take the chance of my gifts not being appreciated, but gift giving is just an area I won't compromise my beliefs. Now, I am talking about people who have all their needs met, not people who are in real need.

 

We do have one set of neighbors that have the same values in this area as us. But, the neighbors who have kids our son's age are opposite of us. In fact, their sons have told my son: "Your parent's gifts are so lame. Why can't they get me anything cool?" Do I feel bad about this? No way! These kids have all their needs taken care of and pretty much all their wants. I know what they have! Am I going to just pile more things onto their materialistic pile when it is a deep conviction to live without most of what they want? No! I try and be thoughtful about what I give, but I do make it small. When they come over to my house and start commenting on all the stuff we don't have, I just take it upon myself to influence them by talking about why we live the way we do. I will say this is hard on my kids, and yet I'm looking down the road, to the future, and trying to instill in them what I believe is the right way to live. If they have to live without a nintendo wii, so be it.

 

It is definitely not easy to be a minimalist here in America. There will be people who don't understand, who may raise their eyebrows, but that is no reason to give in and compromise your values. Even though we have a lot of people who think we're weird for the way we live, deep down they have respect for it too. DH's co-workers have said "I think it's great the way you live. I couldn't do it though." Little by little, we can be a witness, and maybe one day they will be empowered to change. Just my two cents.

[OnTheBrink]

I have no problems with baby showers for subsequent babies, even if they are close in age. Invitees always have the option of not attending if it bothers them. I've seen this issue debated online before and I always wonder why people get so up in arms over it. I like parties and showers and I'd buy the baby a gift regardless, so I don't think it's a horrible thing to have a shower.

 

Even though the unborn/newborn obviously has no memory of a shower, I think all babies should have a party to celebrate their birth. I guess in my head, showers are more of celebrations rather than being "gimme a present" events.

[cajun.classical]

I don't usually post on this board. I'm usually on the other curriculum boards. But I found this thread intriguing, so I'll jump right in.

 

For my second child, close in age to my first but a different gender, my church threw me a Shower of Blessings. It was a party to celebrate my new pregnancy, but there were NO presents. I like the idea. We had a community celebration, ate good food, women gave advice and encouragement to me about adding baby number 2, all without the need to BUY MORE STUFF.

 

I'm a minimalist too, Drew. I can understand your frustration. We can still celebrate and honor the births of children without resorting to BUYING.

 

Blessings,

Angelina in LA

[kdeno]

but I only invited family and 1 or 2 friends. It was a sweet time to celebrate her impending arrival. I have never had a shower for any of my subsequent babies after #1 and I am so thankful. It does seem like too much.

 

Kari