Bedtimes for large families

[silliness7]

I recently made changes in my homeschool so that it was less exhausting. I gave up some stuff. It was really hard but I'm tired of being exhausted and upset all the time. It didn't have anything to do with my dh or bedtime. I just really really wanted my kids to go to school 'cause I was tired of dealing with it. Public school is not in our paradigm and private school is not in our budget so I made some changes realizing I'm in this for the long haul and I needed the long haul to be more palatable.

 

I'm just throwing that out as an option. Would you give up homeschooling? Would you homeschool differently to have more energy in the evenings?

 

Not saying you *should*. Golly. I would never say that. Just that I have been to places so low that options that formerly were not on the table, all of a sudden, were. :tongue_smilie:

[mamakimberly]

I just wanted to say I'm sorry you're dealing with so much tension right now in your marriage. It must be very hard.

 

I have no advice- my kids are younger, and I only have 2 of them, and I work late at night often and get up at 9:30 sometimes, and thankfully my husband doesn't say a word.

 

Hang in there!

Edited January 5, 2012 by mamakimberly

[Ottakee]

I don't know the whole story with you and dh but have you read the book, For Women Only http://www.amazon.com/Women-Only-about-Inner-Lives/dp/1590523172? I know this can be a hot topic/button here on the forums but reading it really made me realize a bit better how much husband views things. They just think differently than women.

 

Like the homeschooling. His answer is to try to give you less stress by suggesting that you not homeschool. He is likely trying to solve your problem in a way he thinks would be best.

 

I still think the 10pm thing is very reasonable. Esp. if he doesn't mind you not getting up with him in the morning, what about the littles to bed by 8 or 9 and the olders in their rooms quiet, out only for the bathroom by 10 and then you spend from 10-11 with your husband---be it watching TV, talking, reading next to him, cuddling or more, spend that hour totally focused on him. Then if you still can't sleep, if he is OK with it, you can get up and do your thing quietly until you go to bed later.

[Myeightkiddies]

You've received some great advice in this thread about moving the nap time and staggering the bed times based on age. I really don't have much to add to that.

 

I want to encourage you to sit down with your dh, paper and pen in hand, and work on a schedule. Write down all the things that are important to him. Take some of the advice given here and present it to him. After he has told you want he wants, go through and in as few words as possible tell him why x may work better than y. See if he will adjust.

 

All quiet at 10pm is impossible, well more like improbable. Children should be permitted to use the bathroom as needed. With several children in the house, there will always (maybe not always but often) be noise and movement. Getting up to talk to each other, getting things out of another room, getting snacks/drinks, etc. can be forbidden but always need to allow the bathroom.

 

:grouphug:

[Amy Jo]

Since you have several things going on right now, I wouldn't fight this battle. To me personally, this isn't a hill I'm prepared to die on. I'd sit the older kids down (or maybe the children that don't go to bed like they should), if needed, and explain policy. At least since your DH is blaming you. In fact, I'd first have DH decide what would happen in the evenings (I think he said everyone in bed at the same time, quiet by 10?). You can always give the older kids the freedom to get up earlier.

 

My boys (9,7,5) all go to bed at 8:30, unless they use a ticket (Accountable Kids chore system) to stay up a half hour. I usually give them 30 min in their room until lights out. DD goes to lay down when I log on to my computer, so I can make she she stays in bed. Their bed time is earlier so that DH and I have some kid-free time while I am still awake and [mostly] sane.

 

I may start letting my eldest stay up half hour later than his brothers, he is up early anyway and has a good attitude.

[Joyofsixreboot]

As others have suggested I'd be moving bed times. Here, I admit, bedtime is for mom not the kids. Our routine

 

4yo bed at 7:30. No long routine-jammies,teeth, song, prayer, lights out ( she doesn't nap and is pretty ready for bed at this point)

 

8&10 yo-8pm bed. I say get ready, they do. There's no " getting them ready". I kiss them, prayer and they go to bed. They are allowed 1/2 hr reading or audio w/headphones.

 

13 and up do when they want. If I set them a time they would just go. They usually go about 10. Dh and I are usually in bed by 9. But we get up at 5 am.

[Sue G in PA]

Like the homeschooling. His answer is to try to give you less stress by suggesting that you not homeschool. He is likely trying to solve your problem in a way he thinks would be best.

 

 

Several times my dh has said we should "ditch" homeschooling. Likely for the reasons stated above. To "fix" my problem. I have told him each and every single time that I am committed (until it would become clear that ps would benefit a particular child more than hs) and that I needed him to help fix the problem w/in those constraints. No go. I'm not doing a good enough job. A Silliness, you suggested changing things so that I was less exhausted, giving up certain things. Dh already thinks we aren't doing enough. :001_huh: He works for the ps system...he has been brainwashed so much so that he doesn't even realize it.

[jennsmile]

Sue, my dh works in the PS system as well.

 

So I hear the similar things, just put my kids in school if I can't cut it. :grouphug::grouphug:

 

I grew up with night owls but really I find I do better in bed by 9 and up early. Of course next week will be brutal as we have been on vacation and all up late. My Brother is still a night owl (work related mostly.) His wife does morning routines with the kids and he gets the nighttime parenting. It works for them. They each get a turn. So maybe balance it a little more and find what works for your family. Maybe even assign buddies so dh doesn't have to help with getting kids ready for bed. Divide and conquer.

 

I would start the new year off with new routines. For you and kiddos. Early to bed and early to rise. If the older kids want to stay up a little later fine but they still need to be up and working on school by a certian hour. You are training them for life skills. I want my kids to know how to get up and get going in the morning. Sometimes I do better at this than others.

 

Best of luck and if you ever need to talk about how to deal with a ps employee husband I really am just an email away.

 

(Disclaimer, I realize some public schools are fine, but my local little one is not a safe place for my children so I choose to homeschool, it is not where dh works.)

[Slipper]

One other thing, if you start out with new routines, it might be best if you do baby steps. Otherwise things become overwhelming.

 

I've taken a white board and placed it on the fridge. Under each child's name I started out with one chore - make your bed. I'm in the kitchen a lot so I had lots of time to see it which reminded me to ask them. For the first few days, I caught them at meal times and told them they couldn't eat dinner until they made their bed (even if it was night-time).

 

Then I added another and started remembering myself to double-check earlier. We are now at four chores per person and I'm starting to add heavier things - laundry for example. Baby steps help me.

 

Also, baby steps would help your husband see that you are trying. It might helps things out. All the best :)

[funschooler5]

I'm curious why the teens need supervision getting ready for bed -- at that age they should be responsible for themselves.

 

I was wondering about this myself. Actually, we do remind all of the kids that it's bedtime, but that's it. Sometimes I'll actually just text oldest DD and she tells everyone. :blushing:

 

Our bedroom is in the basement, and so is DD6's. The other two are on the main floor, and any moving around sounds loud to us. Everyone is free to read or listen to music quietly as long as they don't make a bunch of noise. DS11 just shuts everything off, falls asleep, and doesn't wake up till morning (he's an odd duck:tongue_smilie:). Both of my DDs are night owls. We don't care what they do, as long as they're quiet. If they're tired the next day, they just fall asleep earlier that night.

 

But all of our kids go to bed at the same time (10 pm). Weekends it's midnight. I'd rather have DD6 sleep in a little later than deal with a bunch of different bedtimes.

[Tarreymere]

I don't really understand your husband's complaint, honestly. It isn't like your kids are running around screaming and fighting all night. It sounds to me like he is being super sensitive, and the comment that if you can't handle it then put the kids in PS made me really wonder if maybe that he is trying to create an issue (or put that last straw on the camel's back) that would force you to change your mind on homeschooling.

 

Where is he in the house when he wants this peace and quiet? Can the kids avoid that area? Can he wear some earplugs or close a door? When I want peace and quiet I lock myself in the bathroom and take a long bubble bath, I don't get all police state on the rest of the family.

 

I don't have a bedtime for my kids. I have a time to wake up, and they have always just gone to bed when they got tired. Usually they wind down a bit as the evening goes on, reading or playing quietly, then go to bed on their own. Usually we get up at 7 am, and by 10 pm most kids are in bed on their own or sitting up in the living room reading quietly or dozing. It sounds like your kids are like mine. I can't imagine why that is not acceptable to your husband. It is just a normal family life, really. I think it is kind of creepy to insist on absolute silence from everyone (especially in such a large family) at a certain time.

[AngelBee]

THAT is exactly the issue! He WON'T come up with a plan (or can't)! And so, by default, it is my responsibility. He asks me to "support him"...but what is there to support? There is NO disciplinary measure in place..it changes every night based on how tired dh is or how frustrated he already is! Some nights he yells at the top of his lungs, others he just goes to bed and tries to ignore it, others he sits in the lr and plays "guard" until all is quiet, others he takes allowance away (but doesn't really follow through), others he makes bedtime earlier the next night (but again, doesn't follow through). My suggestions are poo-pooed. I'm really frustrated. Can you tell? :glare: I'm so tired of him WANTING everything to be structured and "in order" but not being willing to HELP ACCOMPLISH that. For example...on the days he is working from home...if he really wanted the kids up by a certain time...he could rouse them. OR he could talk to me and TELL me this is what he wants (other than during an argument). Ugh...this is pointless.

 

:grouphug: honestly....it sounds like major communication issues. Dh and I have them same thing.

 

For me, I would prioritize how important this is to him. If this is number one, make a plan, ask him if he likes it. If yes, make it happen.

 

Then make a plan to fix communication break down in marriage. Praying for you. I understand how frustrating this is.

[AngelBee]

And have him try ear plugs. I found they help. May help you as well with insomnia.

[5forMe]

As you know there is a lot going on here and the bedtime "routine" (and I use that term very loosely) is a symptom.

 

I have read the whole thread. You have given information that leads me to the impression that you don't really want to change the bedtime situation because it suits you and your children. You have mentioned several times that you are not a morning person. Which leads me to wonder if you homeschool to avoid having to get up and get kids off to school. I have a largish family (5 kids) and I agree that us larger families need even more STRUCTURE and that includes a rhythm to the day.

 

I think others have touched on how exhausting homeschooling is and perhaps that is the reason for your relaxed attitude when it comes to bedtime. However, I think that when you start the day getting up later than your 3 year old, you tend to spend the whole day playing catch up. At least that is what would happen to me anyway. This then creates a vicious cycle of exhaustion and lack of structure.

 

It sounds like all of you, YOU and the kids would benefit from regular exercise. When your body gets enough exercise it is tired and craves the sleep that it needs. Which would cure your insomnia. My kids are out for the count at 8:30 pm during winter swim team season (that includes the 14.5 year old).

 

A nap from 5pm-7pm for a 3 year old is just plain silly. It sounds as though he is trying to give up a day time nap, which is normal, but he can't hold out for the bedtime routine at 10pm. So try to hold him off at 5pm and put him down at 6pm with a bedtime routine (bath, story, nighty night).

 

When do you eat dinner? Do the kids eat breakfast after you get up or do they fix it for themselves? I am just curious how the meal situation flows with people getting up at different times.

 

You should have your DH read this thread with you and come up with a plan you can both be happy about and STICK TO THE PLAN when he is gone.

 

Good luck!

[Shawneinfl]

Sue,

Bose Noise-Canceling headphones were a miracle for me getting the quiet time I needed. I can even read a book now in the same room with the tv on.

 

I would also recommend the counseling - sounds like this is only the tip of the iceberg.

[hollyh]

I think early bedtimes for littles at 730/8, bedtimes for olders at 9. Olders know to go to bathroom/get drink/etc. at 9:45, lights out at 10. Write down consequences, rules, etc. and present to hubby. Ask what he thinks and then stick to it. Since there are bigger problems in your marriage, don't let this be an issue. Come at it with a positive attitude, a change you are going to do for him, and score any points you can with him even if you don't think you got any. It's not worth the extra stress in your marriage.

[justamouse]

Ugh...this is pointless.

 

ASk God to give you a vision of your marriage beyond this point. Meaning, sometimes the only way we can walk through the forest is because we KNOW that there's an end to it. Sometimes knowing in my heart what God had in store for my family was the only thing that helped me make it through-I knew that if I made it through this storm, even if it wasn't my own doing...you know?

 

If bedtime isn't really the issue, then no matter what you do about bedtime, the issue won't be resolved. :grouphug:

:iagree:

Don't be afraid. Do you what you know in your heart is right, and stand by it and weather the storm.

 

I don't really understand your husband's complaint, honestly. It isn't like your kids are running around screaming and fighting all night. It sounds to me like he is being super sensitive, and the comment that if you can't handle it then put the kids in PS made me really wonder if maybe that he is trying to create an issue (or put that last straw on the camel's back) that would force you to change your mind on homeschooling.

 

Where is he in the house when he wants this peace and quiet? Can the kids avoid that area? Can he wear some earplugs or close a door? When I want peace and quiet I lock myself in the bathroom and take a long bubble bath, I don't get all police state on the rest of the family.

 

I don't have a bedtime for my kids. I have a time to wake up, and they have always just gone to bed when they got tired. Usually they wind down a bit as the evening goes on, reading or playing quietly, then go to bed on their own. Usually we get up at 7 am, and by 10 pm most kids are in bed on their own or sitting up in the living room reading quietly or dozing. It sounds like your kids are like mine. I can't imagine why that is not acceptable to your husband. It is just a normal family life, really. I think it is kind of creepy to insist on absolute silence from everyone (especially in such a large family) at a certain time.

:iagree::iagree:

 

Apart from getting the littles in bed earlier, yeah, I agree with Raine. And YOU can't make it happen for him and if he is wigging, well, then, he's just going to wig no matter what you do because it's really not about bedtime and no matter how much you contort yourself for him, it's never going to make him happy-because it's NOT about bedtime.

 

So make a stand, bend so far, and expect him to rise to his responsibility. It either will happen or it won't. It normally gets hellatious before it gets better. But if you have a promise in your heart, it's amazing what you can stand through. :grouphug:

[Sue G in PA]

Trying not to get defensive...but had to reply to a pp's comment about homeschooling to avoid getting up. No. Not even close. We did the public school thing for a few years. No problem. Remember, I have 7 kids...who were all infants at one time...who got up EARLY. I had to get up. I did. 2 years ago I put 3 of my kids back in school while I was dealing with some significant depression. I got up and DROVE them to the bus stop b/c it is rather far away. We homeschool b/c our ps system is sub-par and as Christians do not wish to expose our small children to the "world" in large doses where we don't have any say in what they learn. And, in fact, we are sending one to high school next year (b/c we BOTH feel it best for him) and likely sending our 10yo to ps b/c we simply butt heads too much for him to actually learn anything. Dh and I have talked a bit more. We're working on a compromise that works for all of us. Thanks everyone...I really like a lot of the suggestions.

[nukeswife]

Trying not to get defensive...but had to reply to a pp's comment about homeschooling to avoid getting up. No. Not even close. We did the public school thing for a few years. No problem. Remember, I have 7 kids...who were all infants at one time...who got up EARLY. I had to get up. I did. 2 years ago I put 3 of my kids back in school while I was dealing with some significant depression. I got up and DROVE them to the bus stop b/c it is rather far away. We homeschool b/c our ps system is sub-par and as Christians do not wish to expose our small children to the "world" in large doses where we don't have any say in what they learn. And, in fact, we are sending one to high school next year (b/c we BOTH feel it best for him) and likely sending our 10yo to ps b/c we simply butt heads too much for him to actually learn anything. Dh and I have talked a bit more. We're working on a compromise that works for all of us. Thanks everyone...I really like a lot of the suggestions.

 

I just wanted to give you :grouphug: I've had someone say that to me because we're not morning people, but that doesn't mean we'd take on home education without regard to our children's education just because we'd rather not get up at 0630.

[jennsmile]

Dh and I have talked a bit more. We're working on a compromise that works for all of us. Thanks everyone...I really like a lot of the suggestions.

 

:party:

 

Talking is always good!

[Splash]

When kids were little we had a seven o clock bedtime. Honestly there would be nights in the winter they'd be asleep by 6:45. Summers it was 8 o clock. Now that they are 10 and up (except for the lone 5yr old) it's upstairs by 9, lights out by 10. Dh sometimes gets annoyed if they don't settle down right away but most nights they're good with the routine. My dh is asleep by 9pm and gets up at 3:30. I'm up until 10-10:30. This works for us. When dh was in high school and college he went to bed early as well. I was in bed by 10.

 

To settle kids down on nights they are wild, I'll take a book into their room with a book light and read to myself quietly. They settle down pretty quickly then.

 

Hope you find a solution that works.