dragons in the flower bed Posted December 17, 2011 Share Posted December 17, 2011 My boys are free roaming beasts. The oldest has the run of the city more or less. The middle one is free to go around the neighborhood -- library, stores, museum, grandfather's house, playdates. The little one is still only allowed to cross one street in any direction. (I think this is working out just fine. Once in a while a neighbor or worker squints at me and says, "Is that boy with the long blond hair yours? His brother always has a notebook on him?" and I admit that it is so and ask if the boys are behaving, and I find out that they are not only behaving but helpful and setting a good example and kids used to be like that and what's wrong with kids these days. You know. [This, by the way, I have no idea how it happened. Three years ago I was pretty sure my kids were socially retarded. I take no credit.] I really like giving my children as much freedom as makes sense. I'm just not sure, in this case, what makes sense.) My only problem is that they are hardly ever home. In fact, there's one place they end up more than anywhere else and it's starting to bother me: my dad's house. My dad's apartment is basically a big shop with everything a guy could want for metal work or carpentry, which draws my 11yo, and my dad shares the family interest in books and classical languages, which draws my 8yo, and my dad is totally a big mush who adores kittens and often manages to find some to take care of for a while, which draws my 6yo. It's great that they love each other so much! But . . . I miss them. The first time they asked to sleep over at Grandad's, I was all, "Really? A night to myself for reasons other than emergency or illness for the first time in eleven years? BOOYAH!" But now they ask every night, often calling from my dad's house to ask, and now I am grumping at them and saying, "You live HERE!" They usually come home for breakfast because they don't like Grandad's bachelor food, so I can't use the excuse of being home in time for school. To make it worse, the boys spend every other week with my ex, so it's not like I even have every night with them. Does anyone else face a problem like this? What do you do? Should I put an arbitrary limit on it, like two nights a month with Grandad? If your kids are inclined to be outside all the time, running around the park and bopping between friends' houses or exploring the museum or making zines at the library's copy machines, and you know they are welcome in all of those places, do you limit the time they spend in any of them? How do you get them to come home? I miss my babies. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
akmommy Posted December 17, 2011 Share Posted December 17, 2011 I had a friend in high school whose mom would ground her for the silliest reasons. Her mom was single though and I think she got lonely and wanted wanted my friend to just stay home with her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dragons in the flower bed Posted December 17, 2011 Author Share Posted December 17, 2011 Huh. Well, I'll file that under what not to do. Should I add that I do have an active social life of my own? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Farrar Posted December 17, 2011 Share Posted December 17, 2011 Aw. That's so awesome that they have so much freedom and confidence. That's totally how I want my boys to be in our neighborhood (but they're still just 7, so they can't go that far quite yet - but I'm looking forward to the next year or so when they start going to the library, the store, etc. by themselves). You're clearly doing a lot right. And I'm so jealous that they have such a cool grandfather nearby! It seems wrong to make them stay home... but maybe instead of randomly putting your foot down you could institute a routine or two that would keep them around a little more. A specific evening for a family dinner or a family game night or something like that? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amo_mea_filiis. Posted December 17, 2011 Share Posted December 17, 2011 Instead of limiting their time out, maybe you can tell them that they must be on home on x days or x time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murphy101 Posted December 17, 2011 Share Posted December 17, 2011 Instead of limiting their time out, maybe you can tell them that they must be on home on x days or x time. This is what I woud do. Am doing. Sundays are stay home days. That and I woud start going with them and inviting your dad over to your home more often. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JennifersLost Posted December 17, 2011 Share Posted December 17, 2011 I would try to come up with a couple of things that you guys do together that are "your" things. It's always one extreme or the other, isn't it. I've got a couple of kids who never seem to go anywhere. They even have friends, but their friends only exist via texting and at school. I walk around thinking, "Doesn't anyone do anything anymore?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
myfatherslily Posted December 17, 2011 Share Posted December 17, 2011 We don't have the same community set-up that you have (we live in the country), and my oldest is about the age of your youngest :) However, we do have family next door and they ALWAYS want to play with their cousins. I let them almost every day. Sometimes I just want a regular, normal day where my kids stay home and I don't have extra people at my house. I babysit a little boy 5 days/wk, then my kids are with their dad 1 day/wk, which leaves us Sunday to relax and just be us. If it's getting to you, even just a bit, don't feel bad about setting a little limit. "I love that you guys have such a good good time with Grandpa, but I love you, too! Ya gotta stay home sometimes!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elegantlion Posted December 17, 2011 Share Posted December 17, 2011 They love you. Tell them you miss them and plan a family night 1-2 times per week. Can you invite Dad over 1x/week for a meal? What about a bring a friend home for a meal once a week? Kittens could count as a friend. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosie_0801 Posted December 17, 2011 Share Posted December 17, 2011 Sounds like you need to go where the cool kids are :) Stock Dad's pantry and cook dinners there? Rosie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trish Posted December 17, 2011 Share Posted December 17, 2011 You must live in a safe city, bless your heart! :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mommyfaithe Posted December 17, 2011 Share Posted December 17, 2011 Sounds like you need to go where the cool kids are :) Stock Dad's pantry and cook dinners there? Rosie :iagree: This is what I would do. Can I come hang out too?? Faithe Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
higginszoo Posted December 17, 2011 Share Posted December 17, 2011 I don't think it's unreasonable to have them stay home one day (though I'd have things like game night or movie night or something for there to be a reason behind it). I also don't see a problem with limiting sleepovers, though you might want to sit down with them and your dad and prearrange things -- like sleepover at Grandpa's is on Wednesday nights ... not to say that it always HAS to be on Wednesdays, if there's something on Thursday that makes it make more sense, it can be traded and they can be home on Wednesday. It seems to me that most males in general seem to do better with more concrete terms like that. It would help you planning too, knowing that on the weeks you have the boys, you can still usually get together with people on Wednesdays. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
oldskool Posted December 18, 2011 Share Posted December 18, 2011 I would let them roam. Some of my best childhood memories are hanging around town and going here and there. I got into more trouble when I was bored at home. Freedom is great and time with grandpa is probably not going to be as long as their time with you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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