Frustrated with PS

[Ummsamiyah]

So both kiddoes have been going to school for about 6 or 7 weeks now. I am amazingly frustrated with DD's teacher. It seems like from day one her teacher pegged her as a socially awkward, know-it-all who is beyond all help. At her parent teacher conference this woman had absolutely NOTHING good to say about her behavior. She told me my daughter was "flippant" and a "acts like she knows everything" in class and the kids are starting to catch on that "she thinks she is better than everyone". She tends to forget her books when transitioning from one class to another and according to her teacher acts like she doesn't care about her schoolwork. I don't doubt she has things to work on but this woman kept focusing on all the negative and had nothing nice to say. I tried to listen with an open heart and mind because while I think my daughter is perfect i don't expect everyone to agree (lol) but come on! No one way of teaching is perfect. The kicker was that academically she did get everything right. She got all A's and B's and this was with little information to go on. I feel very uneasy about her teacher because one week EVERY SINGLE DAY she emailed me with something DD was missing or doing wrong. She even gave me a form for a Friendship group because she feels as though my daughter doesn't know how to make friends?? :confused: I don't want DD to not like school. She loves going (so far) I have never noticed her having trouble making friends and I don't understand how to make this teacher understand she has never been to public school and will need to adjust. I REALLY want to take her out but I don't know if I can. I am due next month and I can't really quit my job because i carry the insurance. I am frustrated. AND THEN. Do I take about DS? He is doing really well. I would feel so guilty sending one and not the other. I don't want her to think I am punishing her. DS has asked me if he can be HS'ed again. I am so frustrated and confused..

Any ideas? If not, that's cool. i just needed to vent anyways :tongue_smilie:

Edited December 15, 2011 by Ummsamiyah

[Rosy]

I think if she's doing well academically and socially I wouldn't worry about it too much. Even though it sounds like the teacher is being nitpicky, your DD doesn't seem to be picking up on the negativity. I would do whatever you would normally do to motivate her to remember her books, and try to observe some of her friendships to see if there's any truth to what the teacher is saying.

 

We just started DS in school last month, and his first teacher seemed very negative and harsh to me. I saved my negative comments about her for when DS wasn't around and encouraged him to do his best and work on the things she wanted him to work on. He ended up needing to switch grades so he doesn't have her anymore. But in our situation I have felt like I am setting him up for failure if I don't back his teacher up and give a unified front...like in parenting.

[bnrmom]

Ds10 went to ps for 4th grade last year after having been homeschooled since preschool. He is very outgoing, bright, confident, and enthusiastic. He always did all his homework, got all As and Bs (even won the science fair all the way up to the County level), and yet it seemed like his teacher was very negative about him every time we talked.

 

She was always commenting on his disorganization like it was this huge weakness, but seriously, every other parent I talked to who had a 9yo boy said that their kid had the exact same problem.

 

She made a huge deal all year about how he didn't have his times tables memorized to pass the timed tests they did every morning, yet he scored 100% on 3 out 5 math sections on the state STAR test (and above 85% on the other 2 sections).

 

I found the whole thing very confusing. She was nice enough, but it seemed like she had already decided that he was a problem since he had been homeschooled, yet she never had any problems with him. It was weird.

 

Anyhow, we are back to homeschooling this year, but our experience with his teacher was only a small reason. I totally get your frustation.

[Ummsamiyah]

She was always commenting on his disorganization like it was this huge weakness, but seriously, every other parent I talked to who had a 9yo boy said that their kid had the exact same problem.

 

 

 

I found the whole thing very confusing. She was nice enough, but it seemed like she had already decided that he was a problem since he had been homeschooled, yet she never had any problems with him. It was weird.

 

.

 

:iagree: EXACTLY. DD is like crazy disorganized but really :001_huh: why spend almost an hour telling me how disorganized she is? Seriously! Our parent/teacher conference went on for more than an hour! I hate to use my personal experience as a template for DD an DS's but I know what its like to be totally bored out of your mind in class then told to move and TOTALLY FORGET your materials because you were essentially daydreaming and STILL get the tests/assignments correct.:( I think another problem is that the school only goes up to 5th grade. And because she is so bad at remembering her books from reading to homeroom and vice versa her home room teacher won't recommend her for the Gifted and Talented program where she will at least get more challenging material.:glare:

[KJB]

:iagree: EXACTLY. DD is like crazy disorganized but really :001_huh: why spend almost an hour telling me how disorganized she is? Seriously! Our parent/teacher conference went on for more than an hour! I hate to use my personal experience as a template for DD an DS's but I know what its like to be totally bored out of your mind in class then told to move and TOTALLY FORGET your materials because you were essentially daydreaming and STILL get the tests/assignments correct.:( I think another problem is that the school only goes up to 5th grade. And because she is so bad at remembering her books from reading to homeroom and vice versa her home room teacher won't recommend her for the Gifted and Talented program where she will at least get more challenging material.:glare:

 

I would push for gifted testing. Some of your daughter's negative behaviors are common in gifted learners. You can go to the gifted representative at the school to request your daughter be evaluated for services. The outlet offered by the gifted program might help your daughter resolve her other challenges.

 

Regarding the classroom teacher, I will tell you what I would do. I would arrange a conference with your dd's teacher. I would be very humble and ask the teacher what solutions she has for what she perceives as your dd's shortcomings. I would not be defensive, but instead I would work with the teacher as much as possible.

 

Also, I wouldn't pull my dd out. The only way I would consider pulling her is if she is miserable or not learning.

[Joyofsixreboot]

My oldest three have/were PS students all the way through. In my experience teachers are humans with pre-conceived ideas. If dd isn't picking up on the negativity I wouldn't sweat it. (If she is that's another story.). She may also be dumping on you because she doesn't like that you had the temerity to homeschool. You may be the one she has the problem with.

[Lisbeth]

Sounds to me like this teacher resents homeschooled kids. What I would do is get my children out by any means necessary, but that may not be helpful advice here. Honestly, I would never be humble when approaching this ridiculous teacher. I don' t really have it in me, and after the long, negative conference I would already have the belief that she was a bitter type who not only had nothing valuable to add, but needed trained how I expected to be treated. Ihave dealt with schools and teachers and was frustrated beyond belief by the parents who wouldn't speak up so that their kids wouldn't be vilified. I also got better results by being the parent known to take no crap - but YMMV.

[Carrie12345]

I'll be a nitpicker on one front.

 

My own kids don't consciously set out to do it, but they absolutely do show an air of "I'm better than everyone else", and that can be a serious problem, particularly in the classroom.

 

My 13 yo is in ps, and seems to be getting better at toning his 'tude down. My daughters would be hated in school.

 

It is something to think about and address before it evolves into social suicide. And not because it's so important to be nice (although it is), but because resentful kids turn mean. Fast.

[Melinda in VT]

What have you done to help your daughter stop the disrespectful behavior at school?

 

Based on what you've said here, it sounds like your daughter is speaking disrespectfully to the teacher or to other students ("flippant"), is disrupting class transition times by forgetting her materials, and is doing sloppy work ("acts like she doesn't care about her schoolwork"). Have you spoken to your daughter about these issues?

 

I have a similarly-aged child who is in a new school this year and was receiving some similar comments from a teacher. Our response as parents was that the child absolutely had to learn to be respectful in class, bored or not. (And we've been there, so we are not unsympathetic.)

 

I also wouldn't be so quick to dismiss the friendship class, or at least follow up with the person who would be teaching it. It's quite possible teachers are seeing elements of her interactions with peers at school that you aren't seeing at home.

[kwg]

huh. Another idea might be that your dd is just in need of more advanced classes.

 

I would probably try to help her come up with organizational strategies. As someone who is constantly disorganized even now, I can tell you it would have helped me to learn it as a young one :tongue_smilie:

 

Does she have a planner that you can make a list of what she needs to have for each class?

[justamouse]

I'll be a nitpicker on one front.

 

My own kids don't consciously set out to do it, but they absolutely do show an air of "I'm better than everyone else", and that can be a serious problem, particularly in the classroom.

 

My 13 yo is in ps, and seems to be getting better at toning his 'tude down. My daughters would be hated in school.

 

It is something to think about and address before it evolves into social suicide. And not because it's so important to be nice (although it is), but because resentful kids turn mean. Fast.

:iagree:

 

I have one son like that (and yes, he's often right). Thankfully, none of us tolerate it much at home, but better to be loved and taken down a notch than to be humbled by peers.

 

But I *also* agree that she needs gifted testing. And, if she gets in, wouldn't that just vindicate you. ;)

 

In all honesty though, that kind of stuff is why we left. I'd have a hard time justifying keeping them in.

[Starr]

What kind of work do you do? If ds wants to hs and dd is not in a good situation I would give it a go at home. While one has to learn to fit in I find it sad that she has to dumb down to do it.

[SailorMom]

I do agree the teacher has issues, but I also think that you should take at least 50% of what she's telling you and try to address it with your daughter.

If she's in 4th grade now, by the time she gets to 6th - she'll be torn apart.

If she is in PS, she needs to be able to navigate PS and the social expectations, and being an (to take the words out of Professor Snape's mouth) 'insufferable know-it-all' is going to cause her a lot of grief.

The teacher may be going too far here, but you need to act on what she is saying and actively discuss this with your daughter, imho.

[Anne in CA]

You have my complete sympathy. I don't know what to tell you, other than I do think that you want to "fix" the impression that your dd thinks she is better than everyone else. Honestly, if she knows the answers to everything she probably does have an amount of confidence that bothers the other students and teachers. The teacher will not back her up if she is picked on, the teacher will feel she has it coming.... Ask me how I know... This is why I did not send my younger two children to school at all. They are good looking AND highly intelligent and teachers and students think that is too unfair.

 

My older daughter, my step daughter was ignored by teachers for four years because they felt that, as the child of divorce with a mother who moved away and abandoned her, she was unable to make academic progress anyway, so why waste their time. I tried volunteering in her class rooms and over and over I saw that teachers would not call on her, would not help her with questions if she tried to come up to their desk, although they helped other students. I have found that teachers do not believe that children of divorce with an irresponsible parent can learn, and they make it a true prophesy. You dd's teacher may feel that home school students are hopeless and unable to socialize and that is what she will make come true if you let her.

 

I think it will take as much time to address this situation correctly as it would to home school her, but it sounds like you need her to sit tight during the day while you work.:grouphug: Maybe you can come up with a "game" she can play to keep herself on track with remembering books and being friendly?

[Joanne]

You seem to be talking out of both sides of your mouth. On one hand, you don't want her framed as "geeky homeschooler". On the other, you want the teacher to understand the transition.

 

It would probably be best to chose one, because focusing on the unfair bias while asking for understanding focuses more on dd's homeschooling.

 

The level of interaction for assignments, etc seems high. Is it possible that the teacher does this with ALL her students and it's her style? Is there an online aid where parents can check assignments? (We have one where I teach, and my interaction with parents is minimized because of it.

 

I would be honest, after resolving the above contradictory issue:

 

Dear Teacher,

 

I am overwhelmed by what I percieve to be a negative framing of my child by you. She's a normal child, withing expected bounds, with a unique personality; just like your other students.

 

The frequent emails and feedback are overwhelminginly negative, and I worry about my dd in your class when it seems difficult for you to enjoy or be around her.

 

Sincerely,

 

Irritated Mom

[kathymuggle]

 

Dear Teacher,

 

I am overwhelmed by what I percieve to be a negative framing of my child by you. She's a normal child, withing expected bounds, with a unique personality; just like your other students.

 

The frequent emails and feedback are overwhelminginly negative, and I worry about my dd in your class when it seems difficult for you to enjoy or be around her.

 

Sincerely,

 

Irritated Mom

 

This is what I was thinking. Some teachers (this is my own experience) think it is their job to try and fix the negative and do not worry about the positive. Unfortunately, this can come across to parents and children as overwhelmingly negative.

 

This teacher needs to know that you are discouraged by her seeing DD as little more than a problem - and while you will work on the negatives, both you and DD need to hear the positives as well.

[ErinE]

I think any talk you have with the teacher should be face to face. With a subject this sensitive, any medium other than a personal conversation is likely to lose the nuances of what you're trying to communicate.

 

If it were me, I would acknowledge my child's disorganization and ask the teacher for strategies to help. The two of you can come up with a plan to help dd. You've shown you are open to the teacher's valid points and willing to work her.

 

Next I would bring up the constant negative feedback. I would say I appreciate the updates but I feel the barrage of notes aren't helpful and only serve to make me defensive about my child. This teacher may see your daughter is not prepared for the difficult social environment of middle school and for dd's sake, the teacher is pushing improvement in dd's interactions with others. Ask the teacher for one thing dd needs to work on and both of you agree on strategies to work on together.

 

Do what you can to preserve your relattionship with the teacher. If you immediately get defensive, the teacher may consider the whole thing a lost cause and stop showing a willingness to work with your child. If the teacher didn't care about your dd and her feelings, she would have said nothing about her socials skills and focused only on academics. From what you described, it seems the teacher was making you aware of a problem she observed. Being flippant and acting superior are rude behaviors and the reactions your dd gets from her peers aren't going to improve as time goes by. If she isn't already aware, your daughter needs to know what type of persona she is presenting.

 

I only say all this because I had similar behavior when I was younger and I was not liked by peers, teachers, and family members. Years later, I still get comments about my awful personality plus an occasional, "I can't believe you turned out so well." My parents considered my personality fixed and didn't talk with me about strategies to change.

[Ummsamiyah]

I hear what you all are saying. Thank you for the support for those who have given it. :grouphug:

I just wanted to comment on what we have done to help her.

 

I 100% agree that DD is disorganized, it is an issue I dealt with while homeschooling so hearing she still has those issues at school doesn't surprise me. Her teacher recommended I buy her a 5 star binder to put all of her take home work in and I did. Her teacher also helped her put it together so it was the right the first time. I appreciate that because I don't know what it is she is looking for sometimes either. I also check her agenda EVERY DAY and make sure she is actually writing down he assignments. DD is aware she is supposed to check off the books/materials as she puts them in her bag to ensure she has everything.

 

I also know her attitude probably needs some adjusting. I am also one that had 1 maybe 2 good friends and blew off everyone else because I felt they weren't good enough for me to be around. I see this as being smart. I don't want her to feel like she needs to please everyone and be everyone's friend. Then she won't be true to herself.

 

I contacted the social worker who runs the Friendship Club and turned in the paperwork. I am concerned about DD truly not having the ability to make and keep friends as well as cooperate. I have not ever seen this in the past. We have always been apart of a homeschooling community with children who are relatively her age and this was never an issue. But I don't want to overlook something. I believe she does act different at school then at home and I don't want her supposed confidence in "know it all" behavior to be a front or cover for self esteem issues. I know how bullies work. I was one for a short time (It's odd too because know you could walk all over me without me saying boo!)

 

I did actually e-mail the teacher and tell her two days after our conference that everything we discussed was negative and that as a parent I am interested in hearing her negatives and her positives. She emailed me back and said she didn't focus on the positives because it was reflected in her grades and she wanted to make sure we touched on the areas she needs improvement.

 

It was just overwhelming to have SO MANY emails in one week! I e mailed her this week and told her I appreciate her updating me and if she would continue doing so because it HAS helped us restructure our schedule and environment, but I am still interested in the G &T program. Her teacher actually told me DD told her the math was too easy. I know she has organizational issues but I don't want to waste her time at school because of a behavioral flaw. I feel and have told DD that we can learn in any environment if we don't focus on the negativity. She seemed to understand.

We absolutely have talked to DD about her actions at school and described acceptable versus inappropriate or unacceptable behavior. She responded favorably stating she didn't realize what she was doing was making her classmates feel comfortable. She also asked though "if we all are in NYS and we all have to learn the same thing at the same time why don't they know this already?" I wasn't quite sure what to say... I explained though that even with new information everyone doesn't understand it as the same pace so she needs to be respectful. She has the "challenge worksheets" she is supposed to do while the teacher teaches the rest of class if DD gets bored. DD has like one or two from each day they started that arrangement. And her classwork is still 100%.

 

I questioned DD about her feelings about class, peers and teachers and so far she has an overall positive impression. But again, she told me the work gets boring and she doesn't know what else to do with herself. at the end of last week the teacher DID give me the NYS math and ELA tests to administer which I intended to do this saturday. But the G& T teacher (I am calling her enrichment teacher I don't like saying "gifted" or "talented" as a separate class. I think all children have gifts and talents) will be administering the math one. I think to see if she truly knows what i say she knows. I also intend to have the social worker administer an IQ test or what ever to see what she and DS are capable of.

I can't really pull them out because I am a nurse and generally work night shifts but sometimes work day shifts. ( a stress we are trying to remedy) but either way DH is in grad school and can't work :(

 

I had never considered it was me the teacher may have ill feelings towards. With all the things she has done for DD I am starting to believe that though. She has helped her get organized, recommended a group i believe she believes will help her socially and has repeatedly updated me on her progress. Its just a weird vibe some times ya know?

 

I don't understand exactly what a commenter meant by "geeky homeschooler" but I need her teacher to understand DD has a different educational background than her other students and will require a more individual approach to learning. Essentially you can't throw the usual tactics to her and expect them to be automatically be successful. That's all I am saying.

 

Thank you all again for responding it has just been an emotional journey for me and I want to make sure i am doing the right thing. every perspective is welcome and appreciated. :bigear: