AmyontheFarm Posted December 14, 2011 Share Posted December 14, 2011 Our oldest (dd18) has come to me and told me that she liked a certain young man and is interested in becoming better friends with him. She has never dated before herself and doesn't want to date for the sake of dating. She's talking about more of a courtship style of a relationship. But that's only IF they become friends. He's texted her a few times and she's been bring me her ipod when he does and showing me what he says, willingly. Then she's talked with me about what she is going to write back. I'm loving the openness she has with me, as she starts walking down this road. I should be completely thrilled, right! I'm scared stiff! I don't know anything about courtship, she's asking her father and I to help create a written road map for her so that she "doesn't screw this up", those were her words. She understands that this young man might not be "The One" but she doesn't want to make a foolish mistake that isn't God honoring either. :bigear: So, I'm open to suggested reading for all of us. Directions/ Suggestions so that I as a Mom don't mess this up. Guidelines, courtship contracts, any advice what so ever. BTW, what we know so far about this young man, we are pleased. My best friend is related to him and I've been in her home multiple times for parties and have been able to watch how he treats people of all ages, I've seen him step in to lend a helping hand without asking, repeatedly and he has the same faith base as us. So, Daddy and I aren't adverse to this, just scared stiff that our "baby" is growing up! LOL Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lisa R. Posted December 14, 2011 Share Posted December 14, 2011 Then she's talked with me about what she is going to write back. I'm loving the openness she has with me, as she starts walking down this road. she doesn't want to make a foolish mistake that isn't God honoring either. Guidelines, courtship contracts, any advice what so ever. BTW, what we know so far about this young man, we are pleased. My best friend is related to him and I've been in her home multiple times for parties and have been able to watch how he treats people of all ages, I've seen him step in to lend a helping hand without asking, repeatedly and he has the same faith base as us. So, Daddy and I aren't adverse to this, just scared stiff that our "baby" is growing up! LOL He sounds like a nice guy. I'd be more concerned about an 18 year old girl that is concerned that starting a friendship might be a mistake or not God honoring. While it's great to have a close mother/daughter relationship, I'd also encourage her to be a little more confident and independent as she responds to a very normal exchange between guys and girls. I'd also be wary of anything closely resembling a "courtship contract". These sounds like two nice, trustworthy kids. I think if the families make a bigger deal out of this that they should, it could ruin a natural, sweet friendship. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sahamamama Posted December 14, 2011 Share Posted December 14, 2011 I pm'ed you. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liz CA Posted December 14, 2011 Share Posted December 14, 2011 I would just encourage her to trust her own instincts. She seems to cautious to rush into anything but, of course, you would know that better. Going out in groups or with other family members is a good way to get to know someone without placing yourself in odd situations. There is really nothing she can mess up if she is clear about her boundaries and it sounds like she is. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
6packofun Posted December 14, 2011 Share Posted December 14, 2011 I think she sounds SO nervous because she really feels something strong for this young man! That can be a beautiful thing and I'd encourage her not to pursue a big set of rules and written contracts or all of that. Talk to mom and dad, talk to the young man, take baby steps, pray, and at 18 she should have a discernment from the Holy Spirit in her *own* life to continue with the details. Invite him over...I think time with the families involved is a great beginning step! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maddykate Posted December 14, 2011 Share Posted December 14, 2011 I think it is wonderful that you have such an open relationship with her. I am praying that we will have that same kind of open communication with our children when they reach that age. We do now, but our oldest is only 13. It sounds like to me that you are already doing what you need to do...talking it through and being there to help sort out her thoughts. I think the main thing that helped me when I was younger was to write out the exact things that I wanted in my husband. I began praying for my dh when I was in 5th grade. I wrote out everything I could think of at the time... Christian, cute, able to make lots of money, etc... and added to it as I grew and matured, but I prayed for him every night. I also prayed that he was in a loving home and had a happy homelife. My dh is all of those things. It is such a blessing. So, the thing I would advise is to begin praying for her husband, whether it is this guy or not, and praying that she will be able to discern God's will. All the rest will come, in my opinion. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ktgrok Posted December 14, 2011 Share Posted December 14, 2011 I think the biggest mistake that can be made is to feel SOOOO strongly that courtship must lead to marriage that one ends up staying in a relationship that isn't perfect because they don't want to serial date. A written contract could lead to that kind of entrapment, if that makes sense. I'd hold off and get to know him first. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sandy in Indy Posted December 14, 2011 Share Posted December 14, 2011 If you can find a copy of Courtship vs Dating by Paul Jehle, pick that up. It has a wonderful, Biblical basis for courting and practical ways to carry that out that are not overly constrictive or weird. I think it's wonderful that your dd wants you to share in this part of her life. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Starr Posted December 14, 2011 Share Posted December 14, 2011 I always wish I would wake up and God would leave me a blue print for my life. :) It just doesn't work like that. Help her relax and get to know him. If someone brought my daughter a written game plan she would be terrified. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Beth S Posted December 14, 2011 Share Posted December 14, 2011 It is also helpful to get a ballpark idea of what the guy's future goals are. If he's 6 years away from being in a position to get married, you may want to proceed with more caution. We've in the middle of this type of thing, as our dd is waiting for a great guy to graduate from college--only 3 more semesters to wait. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LisaKinVA Posted December 14, 2011 Share Posted December 14, 2011 A book my husband would recommend is Finding the Love of Your Life. He says it really helped him identify the things he wanted in a wife/relationship. We plan to go through it a few times with our children (individually). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murmer Posted December 14, 2011 Share Posted December 14, 2011 I don't know much about courtship vs dating...but something that I was taught as a young girl was to set my standards in stone before I got involved. For instance deciding if I want to kiss before marriage, hold hands, what areas of my body a man was allowed to touch (before marriage) IE my knees, thigh, back, arm over shoulder ect. This way I had standards that I could stop at or before. It helped me feel more chaste and virtuous. Perhaps helping your daughter decide what she wants her standards to be will help her without having to do a contract. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
love2read Posted December 14, 2011 Share Posted December 14, 2011 In our area there are many young adults that court and a range of approaches to it that it. What has struck me as important -courting starts after they have gotten to know each other in group situations or -letter writing. I know two couples who wrote letters to each other even though they lived nearby. The mothers tell me it was a beautiful way for the relationship to evolve. They still got together with groups and now that they are married, they still write letters to each other regularly. -the one constant in all the courtships was the couple being chaperone, usually by a younger sibling, whenever they would otherwise have been alone. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laurie4b Posted December 14, 2011 Share Posted December 14, 2011 I think the biggest mistake that can be made is to feel SOOOO strongly that courtship must lead to marriage that one ends up staying in a relationship that isn't perfect because they don't want to serial date. A written contract could lead to that kind of entrapment, if that makes sense. I'd hold off and get to know him first. I agree. This is the pitfall that I have seen--that couples treat courtship almost as a marriage before the marriage. That has different problems than serial dating, but serious problems nonetheless.The couples get too close and stay in the wrong relationship too long because it is seen as courtship with a serious commitment. In those cases, the concept of practicing "courtship" resulted in just the thing that courtship supposedly helps avoid. In the case I was close to (dd of a friend), the dd later said that she had doubts early on, but because it was courtship, she doubted her doubts and didn't feel free to break it off. (She eventually did and is now happily married to someone else.) So it ended up this emotionally involved, contorted, long relationship when otherwise, it would have come to an end as a romance much earlier. What we have encouraged in our sons is getting to know a number of girls as friends in groups rather than zeroing in on one girl to the exclusion of others too soon as a "special friend". Then friendship building without overt romance. Then if after being friends (while still having other girls who are friends) they want to begin to date with the intention of marriage, that's probably a good foundation. However, we don't force our sons into this. This is just our guidance. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Slipper Posted December 14, 2011 Share Posted December 14, 2011 I know very little about courtship, only what I've heard from friends. So, if my advice is off, my apologies in advance. :) It seems as though you and your DH know OF this young man, but do not really know him. I would suggest inviting him over so that you all can get to know each other. Good luck :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parrothead Posted December 14, 2011 Share Posted December 14, 2011 Honestly, before anything else I'd invite him over and see if he is even remotely interested in your dd that way. Or if he is interested in a courting model instead of going out as friends or dating. No sense in making all these big plans and writing up contracts if he is not interested. If you put too much pressure on the poor guy he might just bolt. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trish Posted December 14, 2011 Share Posted December 14, 2011 Is he a senior in high school who's going off to college next year? What about your dd? That might dictate a built-in end (or break) in this relationship, if it were to become one. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AmyontheFarm Posted December 15, 2011 Author Share Posted December 15, 2011 Ok, after a bunch of research on my part, discussion with my dd and hubby we've decided to invite him to a get together at our home with other families from church. This allows him to step into our family and friends circle easily. As to the written plan my daughter asked for, we've decide on a few basic guidelines to start. 1. She can't date one-on-one yet. She is welcome to hang out at the coffee shop with their group of friends but not to be off in a corner just the two of them. (She is fine with this, she says she's not ready to date any one person yet. She just wants to get to know him better.) 2. She needs to make sure that no boy makes her feel that she needs to exclude other people from her life. ( She understands this because her cousin doesn't talk much with any family after she started dating and eventually moved in with an overly possessive young man.) 3. She arrives to the group events either in our car or arranges to arrive and leave with a girl friend. We live out in a rural area, so we don't want any "accidents" like forgetting to fill the gas tank and "aww shucks my cell phone is dead. We'll just have to sit here alone in the dark together" moments. She'll also call when she's arrived and when she's leaving, because it is a rural area and we want to know she is safe. 4. She carries my cell phone when going with the group so that she can contact me - if someone needs a ride home, or for permission to be out past 10pm. 5. She has a 10pm curfew at age 18. She started to laugh because she's usually in bed by 9pm. 6. No touching, not even hand holding. This was her request. She doesn't want to go down that road, if she's uncertain that she wants to actually date him by herself, she says she wants time to just learn to be friends. Then she looked at me and said that she wants to marry her best friend just like I did. 7. Any boy who is interested in dating her must talk with Dad and ask his permission to date our girl. 8. Any potential boy must be either in school full time or working full time. This boy she's interested in is 20 and is just starting a 3 year apprenticeship. 9. Parents have the right to chose the chaperone(s) when she does start dating more exclusively. We will take into consideration her suggestions. 10. No boys on the floor where her bedroom is. EVER! 11. Any potentials are welcome to join us for any meals at home or at a restaurant, dad will pay. 12. No, electronic communication past 8:30pm because she usually has night devotions and she wants to continue that without her ipod going off constantly. So, the game plan is to attend group events so they can get to know each other better. Welcome him into our home with other groups of people at first then over time just him and us. So, he can get to know our family and we can get to know him better. IF, things are progressing then we'll give our blessing to dating exclusively which our daughter says she can't imagine that happening for at least 2 years. I'm betting it'll be closer to one year, but I'm not telling her that. We will figure the rest out from that point, later on. My husband reminded me that by the time I was her age, I was already engaged! So, any suggestions that we should add to these guidelines? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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