Acceptable ways to show anger

[Parabola]

My kids have gotten rather bad lately about taking their anger out on each other. Whether they are mad at that person or that person just happens to be nearby, they're hitting and pinching each other.

Dh and I have been discussing it, and we've decided how to deal with it in every way except we're trying to decide what we are and are not going to allow in terms of what IS an acceptable way to display anger.

So I'm wondering what you all think. What actions are acceptable in your house as an outlet for anger? What is not acceptable?

 

We're not going to take away the freedom to physically express anger, thats mostly my thought. I have to be physically mad, and stomp and just BE MAD before I can take a calm look at a situation and decide what to do next. Otherwise I just seethe and stay mad and resent and go nowhere. Luckily I hardly ever get mad. Dh doesn't have this need, he can be mad and it doesn't come out. Maybe he's more mature than I am. :001_smile:

 

Anyway, the only thing we've decided on for sure is that paper and pen is an acceptable way to get things out. We've also decided that anything tantrum-like is not acceptable such as throwing things and slamming doors. I'm on the fence about stomping.

 

What about hitting a pillow? I don't know, I just want to see how others do it. I'd like to have several avenues to offer them in lieu of beating each other up.

[Rich with Kids]

This is the 3rd time I've started this. My situation is extreme because my dc's dad was abusive. But, we talk a lot about self-control. It's OK to get angry, you just don't ever, ever take it out physically or verbally on someone else. Walk away, get control, then confront. Get mom or dad to mediate. Get closure if you need it, but control yourself. Slamming doors and throwing/hitting things (in front of people) is still threatening to others witnessing it.

[newbie]

I was thinking the other day to start the Jon and Kate Plus eight way, they have to say sorry in their eyes, kiss and hug.

 

I told my dd's this the other day while they were starting and it made them stop , laugh and say Mooommm. Of course they are 14 and 12, so no luck. But I will work on it.

 

Jeannette:lol::lol::lol:

[whisperam]

Why not let them scream into a pillow or punch their pillow with their door shut. Sometimes you just gotta do it!

[Amy in NH]

What about hitting a pillow? I don't know, I just want to see how others do it. I'd like to have several avenues to offer them in lieu of beating each other up.

 

My oldest ds had some anger issues when he was younger, after his father and I split up. I allowed him to show his anger by going to his room and pounding or yelling into a pillow. Going outside to run around the house until he was tired out was also an option. We did spend some time with a counselor to help him manage his feelings, and the counselor suggested giving him a big old phone book to tear up when he got really angry. He only did this a couple of times, but it was very effective. Another good outlet is pounding nails into boards.

 

If you are concerned about kids using these techniques as a way to scare others as part of their anger, it is perfectly acceptable to have them remove themselves to another room or outside before releasing their anger.

 

HTH!

[Pegasus]

Our main rules are no hitting and no name calling. They are allowed to say things like "I am so angry at you right now" but they can't called one another "booger-head" or whatever.

 

They can stomp, go to a room alone and punch a pillow, scream into a pillow, go outside and yell. DD8 especially uses pencil and paper to express her anger. She doesn't write words but there would be no mistaking one of her drawings for anything but anger. When she was younger, I used to tease that we could never allow a psychologist or DHS to see one of her "mad" pictures.

 

Best of luck. We do struggle with sibling fighting but it is 90% pestering one another. We seem to have physical stuff and name calling under control.

 

Pegasus

[Parabola]

This is the 3rd time I've started this. My situation is extreme because my dc's dad was abusive. But, we talk a lot about self-control. It's OK to get angry, you just don't ever, ever take it out physically or verbally on someone else. Walk away, get control, then confront. Get mom or dad to mediate. Get closure if you need it, but control yourself. Slamming doors and throwing/hitting things (in front of people) is still threatening to others witnessing it.

 

THAT IS WHY I WANT THEM TO HAVE OTHER OUTLETS OF ANGER BESIDES OTHER PEOPLE. They are not allowed to throw things, slam doors, call names or be abusive in any way, they have never seen me display anger. But anger that stays inside becomes misdirected anger that comes out later. I want them to punch a pillow instead of pinch their brother. They're young, we work on things as we go, they're not all of a sudden going to be mature enough to walk away, this is something we have been and will continue to work on, probably for quite some time.

If they need to get anger out, then I want them to. Thanks for your thoughts, but anger misdirected or saved until later is more harmful then scribbling on a piece of paper instead of hitting someone.

This is just one facet of how we are dealing with the hitting, we already have decided how to deal with other parts of it, including apologies, discussion, making up, possible consequences, thinking before you act, appropriate verbal expressions of feelings, personal spaces and violations thereof, etc etc etc etc ad naseum.

I just wanted ideas for physical outlets of anger that harm no one.

[Rich with Kids]

I'm sorry. I didn't express myself well here. By all means go beat the crap out of something in your room. That works for me. I should have added that we do scream in pillows and have even taken a bat to a tree. What I said by walking away and getting control (however you have to) is the goal when they get to an age to handle it. That was probably not appropriate advice here. I don't expect a child to be mature enough to get that now.

 

We've also made them get out and run. Physical activity works. Jumping on a trampoline, jumping rope. I'm sorry if I frustrated you with the first post.

[Sue G in PA]

My dh bought the dc a punching bag this past Christmas for them to use when they get angry. Anger is an issue with all our dc (and it used to be w/ dh and I as well...me moreso than him). My dc tend to act out more verbally (name calling) but have been known to hit or kick or push, etc. We tell my dd11 (who is more verbally "abusive" in her anger) to journal...write it down. My younger boys get angry and tend toward the tantrums. We tell them to go cool off in their room, scream into a pillow, punch the pillow or punching bag, go jump on the trampoline 50 times, etc. until the anger passes. I sympathize w/ them b/c I tend to hold onto my anger. I just can't seem to let some things go. It festers inside of me until I just "blow up". I have to pray a lot and meditate on the scripture that tells us "in your anger, do not sin". We always tell our dc that..."in your anger, do not sin". If a certain child cannot seem to "get over" his/her anger in a timely fashion, we sometimes make them copy this scripture. And that is ONLY if they are not expressing said anger in an appropriate way. KWIM? Good thread, btw...now that those hot days of summer are here (and we don't have central a/c), the "explosions" are all the more frequent.

[Parabola]

I'm sorry. I didn't express myself well here. By all means go beat the crap out of something in your room. That works for me. I should have added that we do scream in pillows and have even taken a bat to a tree. What I said by walking away and getting control (however you have to) is the goal when they get to an age to handle it. That was probably not appropriate advice here. I don't expect a child to be mature enough to get that now.

 

We've also made them get out and run. Physical activity works. Jumping on a trampoline, jumping rope. I'm sorry if I frustrated you with the first post.

 

Its ok, I shouldn't have reacted so impatiently, I apologize for that. From you and others I've got some things to go with here, I especially like the jumping rope, nail hammering and just plain running around the house, while yelling if thats what it takes!

My ds7 draws daily anyway, I wouldn't be surprised if we end up with some "crazy" pictures too.

Anyway, thank you for your suggestions, not just for the ideas but just to get an idea of what others consider acceptable. Big help.

[Pamela H in Texas]

No door slamming, no stomping, no hitting, no screaming at someone...You can be mad without destroying something or hurting someone or even just bothering someone (and I tell you, the above would definitely bother me).

 

However, I'm a physical person as is my son. Sometimes something small like hand rubbing, pushing hands in pockets works. Sometimes, screaming into a pillow is more appropriate. A lot of times a run, shower, pushups, etc is necessary.

 

One thing that helps is for them to approrpiately VERBALLY express themselves AND to teach them to head off trouble. This can take a little while to do. The method I used with my own children and with others was Raising a Thinking Child by Myrna Shure. It's probably one of the fastest and more ingraining methods.

 

HTHs a little. Physical, imo, is okay, but not towards a person or bothering someone else.

 

BTW, it IS helpful to teach kids that they have a CHOICE of thinking and feelings to a large degree. Kids CAN learn to choose not to be angry (or the feeling that was underlying the anger which is more likely the case). This takes longer and a lot of encouragement. My son was 12 and used meditating on certain scriptures to help.

 

HTHs a little,

[Plucky]

Here the rule is no hitting or hurting someone. No verbal abuse of another. I really don't care how someone gets over their anger or sadness as long as it isn't destructive and doesn't intrude on anyone else's rights, i.e. you can't make everyone else miserable.

[Lisa in Jax]

They used to hit, slap, pinch, etc. They also used to say the meanest things to each other (and to mom/dad).

 

Our family rules are these:

 

1. USE YOUR WORDS.

"When you said/did _____, I felt ______."

 

2. If you cannot use kind words or a polite voice, you must go away from the family until you can be polite/respectful to EVERYONE in the family.

 

3. If you call names or intentionally hurt the other person's feeling instead of using your words, you must do something for the person you hurt. We're very big on making things up to others. If you hurt someone's feelings or hurt the person, you must do something to try make the other person feel better.

 

We allow HEALTHY physical expressions of anger -- pillow punching, writing something on masking tape and "stomping" your mad out, yelling into a pillow, or running outside. (My kids run laps around our small circular drive.)

 

A lot of this involves coaching. Every time they're angry, coach the children on which words to say. It takes practice, but they'll learn.

 

HIH,

 

Lisa

[Parabola]

..now that those hot days of summer are here (and we don't have central a/c), the "explosions" are all the more frequent.

 

Oh you're right about that one Sue, we have air but it doesn't come on til mid-July at earliest, August if we can make it. And being hot does make for temper flares.

 

Its an ongoing process, isn't it? I'll look into that book you mentioned Pamela H, thanks for the rec. I'll also give some thought to helping them head off trouble, thats a good idea.

[Parabola]

We allow HEALTHY physical expressions of anger -- pillow punching, writing something on masking tape and "stomping" your mad out, yelling into a pillow, or running outside. (My kids run laps around our small circular drive.)

 

A lot of this involves coaching. Every time they're angry, coach the children on which words to say. It takes practice, but they'll learn.

 

HIH,

 

Lisa

 

Ohh I like that stomping on tape idea, thats pretty symbolic and, unlike just running around, it would seem to deal directly with the situation.

 

Dh and I are prepared to coach through this one, its one of the more important life lessons we've had to deal with so far: how to deal with your anger. We've been discussing this for the past few eves, and I think now we're ready to talk to the kids.

[PariSarah]

. . . try to convince you otherwise, but I did want to address this one thing:

 

But anger that stays inside becomes misdirected anger that comes out later.

 

I don't really believe this.

 

I believe that injustice never remedied festers. Sho'nuff. If a sibling is never permitted to express his frustration that something is REALLY WRONG, then you've got exactly the problem that you're worried about.

 

But I don't believe that anger never dissipates unless it's expressed. I've seen the opposite, both in my own life and in others'. Forcing myself constantly to transmute my anger into something healthier, to wait until it's no longer anger to express it, has actually reduced my anger quotient. Giving myself permission to kick a chair or go into another room and scream or clench my fists and teeth and glare daggers at someone usually increases my propensity to rage. Refusing to let your anger come out until it's something other than anger--a genuine plea for justice, say, or an impassioned request for something that matters to you--is not unhealthy in my experience.

 

You don't feel the same is true for you, and I can't contradict you. But I did want to offer up food for thought.

 

As far as what we do--we don't really punish for mild physical expressions of anger (stomping, door slamming, etc), but we do reprimand for it, and we require a do-over. So, I guess we don't "permit" any of the things you're talking about. But most of the time, we just say, "Ds, that's not allowed. Don't do it again." And it almost never happens anyway.

[Parabola]

. . . try to convince you otherwise, but I did want to address this one thing:

 

 

 

I don't really believe this.

 

I believe that injustice never remedied festers. Sho'nuff. If a sibling is never permitted to express his frustration that something is REALLY WRONG, then you've got exactly the problem that you're worried about.

 

But I don't believe that anger never dissipates unless it's expressed. I've seen the opposite, both in my own life and in others'. Forcing myself constantly to transmute my anger into something healthier, to wait until it's no longer anger to express it, has actually reduced my anger quotient. Giving myself permission to kick a chair or go into another room and scream or clench my fists and teeth and glare daggers at someone usually increases my propensity to rage. Refusing to let your anger come out until it's something other than anger--a genuine plea for justice, say, or an impassioned request for something that matters to you--is not unhealthy in my experience.

 

You don't feel the same is true for you, and I can't contradict you. But I did want to offer up food for thought.

 

With all due respect I've seen the opposite. I've seen myself be mean to people and kick my own dog and break windows because I was very angry and didn't get it out, so I kept feeling mean and hateful. This was when I was young, I don't take it out on others now. One of the main reasons I don't is because I let it out in a way that is appropriate for me. When I'm done being angry which isn't very long, then I can deal with whatever made me mad in a reasonable way, and if there's an injustice to deal with you can bet I'm addressing it, but in a thoughtful way instead of a reactionary way. Just my experience. And maybe my kids won't need to be like that, my DH doesn't, but if they do, then I want them to figure out what works for them and what doesn't violate others' rights. Perhaps it boils down to a matter of temperament.

 

Oh, and we deal with the situation that causes the feelings, thats the discussion part, but its best to do when people are calm.

[PariSarah]

One of the main reasons I don't is because I let it out in a way that is appropriate for me. When I'm done being angry which isn't very long, then I can deal with whatever made me mad in a reasonable way, and if there's an injustice to deal with you can bet I'm addressing it, but in a thoughtful way instead of a reactionary way. Just my experience. And maybe my kids won't need to be like that, my DH doesn't, but if they do, then I want them to figure out what works for them and what doesn't.

 

. . . .I won't contradict your own reading of yourself. I'm glad you found something that works for you.

[Parabola]

Forgive me if I'm misreading this, but why are you being condescending to me? I know who I am pretty well, my "reading" of myself is probably pretty accurate. Certainly more accurate then a stranger's would be.

 

ETA: and I did re-read it, several times.

[PariSarah]

I did not intend any condescension, at all. I was trying to affirm the opposite--that though my experience is extensive and convincing, I can't presume to speak for you, and I wasn't claiming to. After reading your first response to me, I was afraid that you were reading me as saying, "No, I really know what's going on in your head better than you do," and I wanted to reiterate that I was not saying that.

 

Please understand--I only spoke up because I am secure enough in my experience that I would offer the same advice in a counseling situation. (And that's something I don't take lightly.) But I did not intend to offer it in such a way that implied that I know you better than you. I don't believe any such thing, and I hope my words weren't offensive in that regard.

[Parabola]

It's cool, PariSarah, its all good. Don't mind me either. Different people have different experiences is all.

[Laurie4b]

I didn't read her post that way at all. I thought it was the opposite. I read it as saying that people are different.

[PariSarah]

I appreciate the support, but it's okay. I'd rather someone speak up openly when they're offended so that I can retract, restate, or repent, as need be.

 

My own thesis advisor tells me I'm intimidating. :001_huh: I do my best to be clear and fair, but, as the inimitable Rachel from Friends once said, "Okay, that sounded so much better . . . in my head." :D

[Peela]

Lol, we are a pretty explosive family at times. We are certainly not the Brady Bunch. The kids have seen Dh and I have shouting matches and slam doors, and while it's not ideal, it's real, and they also see that we work through it and come out the other end loving each other and somewhat resolved. I personally feel this is healthier modelling than kids who never see their parents argue (unless the parents genuinely never do), because they get an unrealistic picture of how marriage is. Marriage is hard work at times.

I feel that repression of anger is very unhealthy for kids and adults alike and our society puts a guilt factor on expression of anger that can be unhealthy - many women feel their marriage might dissolve if they truly express the anger they feel toward their partner...and yes, its good to be as mature as you can be about expressing it, or feeling it, whether you feel the need to express it, or just work through it internally. But I feel healthy relationships can handle a certainly amount of natural anger, and then everything is out in the open. Anyway, thats the way we function aroudn here, not saying its right for everyone else.

 

So it would be hypocritical for me to tell my kids not to express their anger. But when they get mean or nasty, I pull them up on it and get them to stop. Thats different from getting hurt, then angry, because of an injustice. my son has an explosive temper and we have never been able to do anything to curb it, he emotes at the drop of a hat. Now that he is 12, he is learning to manage it better. We have never wanted to repress him, but we have certainly sent him to his room to get over it in there. No, we don't tolerate verbal abuse. But the bottom line is, we would prefer to deal with the issue, get over it, and move on, feelings clear, than worry about a swear word or a door slammed. The kids do know what is appropriate, and we do tell them, and they know what is going too far for us, but all in all, losing your temper is normal for some people and soe families and I think it is going to be dealt with differently in different families because of that. Its not a crime here, and my kids will not easily be intimidated by someone losing it in their face, either.

[Pamela H in Texas]

Let me see if I can put this right.... I kinda mentioned it in my post, but....

 

I think it's unhealthy to STUFF things, but I do think that sometimes venting, working it off, etc is overrated. Many times these things encourage bad thinking and further bad feeling rather than calming down.

 

There was actually a study done "recently" (the results were posted on another board within the past year, but I'm not sure when) that backs that up. It really is better to choose to think and feel differently about something rather than vent your thinking and feeling verbally or physically.

 

Of course, like I said, I'm a pretty physical person and sometimes that really does help. I just do think it's good to work on other skills and tools like I mentioned in my post.