How would you handle this (11 yr dd issue)...

[Joker]

My almost 12 yr dd has started ignoring us. It's like we see a switch being flipped and she goes from happy to upset instantly. Then, for about the next hour or so she will not respond to us at all. She will not make eye contact or verbally respond in any way. If I tell her to go to bed or do her homework, she will do it. She just will not verbally respond to any questions.

 

She told me a few days after one episode that she felt we laughed at her and that's why she was upset. I explained that was something she needed to share so we could make sure we didn't make her feel that way again. I also explained that it's not ok to just ignore us when we are talking to her.

 

She is a perfectionist and can be harder on herself than anyone else could ever be. It always makes me rethink how to discipline her because she always takes it so hard. We're not big into punishment and discipline. We usually talk a lot about what she did wrong and why it's wrong. That's worked until now. She has been sent to bed early a few times when she's pulled the ignoring in the evening but I don't think that's working.

 

I am looking for any suggestions. I want to help her stop the behavior but just feel at a loss. Part of me wants to just ignore it and hope she grows out of it but part of me worries if I don't address it that it will get worse.

[Rosie_0801]

Is there a way to side step the issue? Sounds like she needs a polite way to put herself in time out.

 

Rosie

[kalanamak]

Every family dynamic is different, but when I was a kid anyone who pouted or ignored was "left in peace", and no one registered there was a problem of any kind unless some response was needed ( then there was a sotto voce reference, rather sympathetically, that person X had "their nose out of joint".)

 

The real art to this was that when the pout or spell was over, the person was instantly accepted back as if nothing had happened. No,"what was your problem", or "well, I see we're good enough now". No fuss, positive or negative, was made.

 

However, this might have worked because we were a pretty big crew generally full of a lot of fun and even-temperedness. It was hard not to be sucked back in even if you were in a snit.

[justamouse]

Humor. Being outrageous helps us a lot. It taught my kids to laugh at themselves. Point it at yourself, first. :001_smile: ie:

 

Do you think I could have painted that wall any better with my hands? I don't think so. I think, perhaps, if I wore my jammies, soaked myself in paint and threw myself up against the wall, I might have done a better job.

 

When they get in snits- Man, I should yell at you, that way, steam will come out your ears and I can call the firemen because they got that new firetruck and I want to see it shoot some water. But we have to make sure they don't get the bird wet.

Edited December 2, 2011 by justamouse

[Joker]

Is there a way to side step the issue? Sounds like she needs a polite way to put herself in time out.

 

Rosie

 

I have told her she can say she isn't ready to discuss. So far, that hasn't worked.

 

Every family dynamic is different, but when I was a kid anyone who pouted or ignored was "left in peace", and no one registered there was a problem of any kind unless some response was needed ( then there was a sotto voce reference, rather sympathetically, that person X had "their nose out of joint".)

 

The real art to this was that when the pout or spell was over, the person was instantly accepted back as if nothing had happened. No,"what was your problem", or "well, I see we're good enough now". No fuss, positive or negative, was made.

 

I think this is what we need to try to do more of. It's just the four of us most of the time (our family is all so far away) so it's obvious when she has a problem.

 

Humor. Being outrageous helps us a lot. It taught my kids to laugh at themselves. Point it at yourself, first. :001_smile: ie:

 

 

We do this a lot already so I was taken aback by her response. I now know she enjoys being a part of the laughter but she doesn't yet like being felt like she's laughed at.

[Mommyof4ks]

Hormones. ;)

 

My dd went through that a year ago (she had just turned 11) when she was learning how to deal with PMS. The behavior started a few months before the period, but it seemed she was gearing up. It took months of talking it through, making sure she felt understood, and lots of hugs and tears, but we got through it. She will be 12 in a few weeks, and she is back to being the sweet little girl we know and love.

 

It is so hard parenting girls. My boys are blunt and tell us why they are upset and what we can do to fix it, but my dd is so hard to read. I pity her future hubby.:D

[SKL]

I agree that it's probably hormones messing with her mind.

 

When I got like that as a tween, it was because I was on the verge of tears and I didn't want anyone to see me cry (it was a sign of weakness in my mind). If I tried to say what I was feeling, I'd lose my composure, so I'd keep quiet until I got better hold of myself (which could be the next day).

 

I'm not sure anything will make this better in the short run. But when she does say something emotional, keep in mind that this is probably very hard for her and if your response is judgmental, it will only get harder.

[Rebecca VA]

I used to disengage and go off by myself very often. It was a bad habit that I wish someone had worked with me to overcome. No one ever forced me to talk through my bad attitudes (which were often unreasonable), and no one made me put on a smile and rejoin the family when I didn't want to. I simply spent hours wallowing in my bad attitudes, with nothing -- no progress in maturity or self-denial -- to show for it.

 

I also learned to hold a grudge and not let go. I convinced myself that I was right, and since no one was forcing me to work through the issues, I became more set in my convictions.

 

So I think you should talk her through her behavior. Find out *exactly* what she's thinking, and if she is being reasonable, you can apologize. If she's not being reasonable, have her apologize and get back to whatever she needs to be doing. She needs to deal constructively with her anger.

 

P.S. Mrs. Bluedorn, one of the authors of Teaching the Trivium, wrote that one or both of her daughters used to do this. She would sit with them, sometimes silently for long periods, but she did not let them alone. When they were ready to talk, she was there. I've always liked that and wished someone had done that with me.

Edited December 2, 2011 by Rebecca VA

[Plink]

I have a DD who tends to do this (although she is a bit younger). I have her sit right by me until she is ready to talk. No judgement,no anger just a simple request "lets sit down until we figure this out." Eventually she gets sick of waiting and will grumpily tell me what is going on. Before we leave the couch the issue is talked through and we can hug and go on with the rest of our day.

[Tammyla]

:iagree:

 

Inexperience, hormones, learning emotional control, etc. Sounds like she is doing a good job.

 

What I'd suggest is that you don't frame it as a 'problem'. Instead accept that negative emotions are valid. She's putting herself in timeout while she comes to grip with her feelings and analyzes the situation and that's great at eleven. Have a cup of tea and some biscuits later and talk about it. If you'd like to teach her more socially appropriate ways to handle it, perhaps including it in her formal health class would be easier than a chat each evening..class makes it less impersonal, while a chat after every episode makes one feel picked on.