co-sleeping issue

[HappyLady]

My DH and I are on opposite sides when it comes to co-sleeping. It's never really been a problem before, but now it's starting to be. When our children were both newborns I slept with them alone. It made sense because I wanted them close to me and it made it easier for breastfeeding. My DH slept in another room. After about 3 months they then went into a crib, in the same room as us.

 

My daughter (almost 4) has always loved sleeping with me and vice-versa so for an occasional treat to her (and me) we'd sleep together and have a "girls' night." My DH was always sort of ok with that, but lately our daughter has been wanting to sleep with me more and more. I want to sleep with her at least a couple times a week because the way I look at it is she's only going to be little and want to sleep with me for such a short time. My DH says I'm creating a monster and kids shouldn't be sleeping with their parents. Maybe he's right, I don't know.

 

Tonight my daughter actually asked her daddy if she could sleep with me. He tried telling her no, but then said basically said yes, but wasn't happy about it.

 

What should I do? My DH certainly doesn't control me, but I don't want to keep making him mad. I feel like I'm already compromising because if it were up to me our daughter would either be sleeping with us until she's ready to go back in her own bed (she's been in her own bed for over a year now) or I'd be in her bed whenever she needed me. Who should "win" in this situation - my DH or daughter?? :confused:

 

Any suggestions?

[Lara in Colo]

A child's happiness is dependent upon a happy mommy and daddy.

Talk to DH. Find out why he doen't like this and why you think the child is so insistant.

I really only let the children sleep with me if they were sick, since I actually got some sleep that way. (they sometimes could if they really wanted to, but that was rare -- maybe 2x a year).

 

Lara

[Joanne]

I'm a total family bed, fluid sleep location, sleep next to your kids advocate.

 

I'm ALSO a total do what works advocate.

 

I've noticed that for some personalities, "extended" co sleeping and "extended" (I hate that term, but it's what is used) doesn't work. Instead of creating security, it creates insecurity. The "AP" community frequently acts as if nursing and the family bed have immunity to the need for limits and parental intervention. But the reality is some kids NEED us to wean them (from breast or family bed or both).

 

Some kids don't do well with "a couple of times a week." They just need more, and more. Some kids don't do well family bedding (or nursing) until they decide done.

 

It sounds, possibly, like your dd is one of those.

 

So, while I wouldn't let DH pronounce shoulds all over the place with regard to where people sleep, he might have a point about this situation.

 

A couple of related links:

 

http://goybparenting.com/?p=173

 

http://goybparenting.com/morejo/?p=3

 

Edited to add: It was the child asking for mom's company *more* that created the reason I posted what I did.

Edited December 2, 2011 by Joanne

[AHASRADA]

FWIW, I can share our experience. When my dc were very young (under 5) I used to read them a story in their beds, wait for them to sleep, and sneak out to my own bed. Unfortunately, I began to fall asleep myself, and then find it difficult to wake to move to my own bed.

 

So, we started doing read-alouds in my bed. When the dc fell asleep, dh or I would carry them (and later zombie-walk them) to their own beds. Often I fell asleep as well, and dh took care of moving them.

 

On plenty of these occasions, a frustrated dh would tell me they should learn to sleep in their own beds. I told him they won't do this forever, it's no big deal.

 

He would not have been OK with dc regularly sleeping the entire night with us for, umm, obvious reasons. His main issue was that, when he was ready to go to bed, he had to empty his place of sleeping kids first. I tried to appease him by moving them myself, when I could manage to stay awake to do so.

 

Fast forward. When each dc reached the age of about 10, they would still come to my bed for a read-aloud, then hug me goodnight and go to bed. No pressure, they just grew into it on their own. Sometimes dd still likes to watch TV in my bed until we both fall asleep, and dh walks her to her room, but this is only a couple of times per month.

 

Their desire to sleep with mom doesn't last forever, and it is a precious time. Find out what dh's real issue is, and deal with that. Maybe you could bring her to her own bed to give you and dh more space at night. It doesn't have to be an all-or-nothing proposition.

[Bluegoat]

I'm a total family bed, fluid sleep location, sleep next to your kids advocate.

 

I'm ALSO a total do what works advocate.

 

I've noticed that for some personalities, "extended" co sleeping and "extended" (I hate that term, but it's what is used) doesn't work. Instead of creating security, it creates insecurity. The "AP" community frequently acts as if nursing and the family bed have immunity to the need for limits and parental intervention. But the reality is some kids NEED us to wean them (from breast or family bed or both).

 

Some kids don't do well with "a couple of times a week." They just need more, and more. Some kids don't do well family bedding (or nursing) until they decide done.

 

It sounds, possibly, like your dd is one of those.

 

So, while I wouldn't let DH pronounce shoulds all over the place with regard to where people sleep, he might have a point about this situation.

 

A couple of related links:

 

http://goybparenting.com/?p=173

 

http://goybparenting.com/morejo/?p=3

 

 

That second article totally describes my middle daughter. That is the exact same downward spiral I had with her with nursing. And I felt really guilty about wanting to stop her because all the stuff I got from the more AP moms was all "breasfeeding is a totally natural relationship and you can't do it too much bla bla".

 

And trying to slowly cut down made her crazy.

 

I finally had an epiphany one day when I was thinking about how difficult my husband finds changes or situations where no decisions have been made. My daughter is totally like him in most ways, and I realized that prolonging nursing by slowly cutting down was probably hugely stressful for her.

 

OP - I agree with the others who suggested finding out exactly what your dh dislikes about the co-sleeping. It is hard to know what approach to take until you know that.

[Ottakee]

I would certainly find out what bothers dh about it and work to address that.

 

Does it interfer with intimacy? If so, that needs to be addressed.

 

Would he be OK with her in a sleeping bag on the floor?

 

I am all for cuddling and nurturing children, etc. but I wouldn't let it come between dh and I as the child will be much more secure with happy parents than without.

[Impish]

I'm not a cosleeping mom, generally speaking. Its a desperation move for me when a baby won't settle. Just so you know where I'm coming from.

 

For me, w/older kids, I consider our bedroom our sanctuary. Its our one place to be alone. Doesn't matter if we're just going to sleep, its a few precious moments to be alone together, not as Mom and Dad, but Husband and Wife.

 

Our kids will crash on our floor, but it's a rare thing. Perhaps your dh feels the same way? That your bedroom is for the two of you, alone? Maybe he feels lonely when you're not there, or like her's missing those few special moments w/you?

[happypamama]

I think you need to discuss with your DH his specific reasons about not wanting your 4yo to sleep with you. IMO, "I just don't think you should" isn't really acceptable, and I'd be inclined to ignore it. If he has some concrete concerns, like, "I don't sleep well when she's in the bed," I'd give more weight to those. Perhaps you can find a compromise, like your daughter sleeping on the foot of your bed instead of directly in your sleeping space (this works for toddlers and preschoolers at our house because I'm short), or perhaps putting a toddler bed or sleeping bag next to your bed would work, or maybe limiting it to one or two special nights a month would be okay. If he's worried about what people will think, well, I think more people have young children sleeping with them than is commonly mentioned. (We've had at least one child sleeping with us almost every night for almost the past decade, sometimes two.)

[alpidarkomama]

Once a week, on family movie night, we do family sleep night. The kids can sleep wherever they want - under their desk, on the floor, with us, on a pad in our room, on the living room couch, wherever! Also, they know that if they wake up in the middle of the night and just want to be with us, they can come crawl in. Keeps DH's and my special time protected, but gives them as much snuggles as they want. Yum.

[Annie Laurie]

We cosleep but in this situation, I would want to respect my dh's feelings too, and would investigate further about what's bothering him about it. Does he always go to a different place to sleep when your dd sleeps with you? I would not feel happy myself if I had to leave my bed so a kid could sleep in there.

 

Does she have siblings who wouldn't mind sleeping with her or sharing a room with her? We have 5 bedrooms and yet my 11, 9, and 7 yr olds choose to sleep in the same room most of the time, which I'm fine with. When I transition the baby out of my bed in another year or two, the kids are already arguing about who gets to share a room with him.

 

And we do what the previous poster mentioned: When we don't have school the next day and I don't care if they're up late, they get to sleep wherever they want. Over our Thanksgiving break, the 3 middles set up forts under the tables in the school/play room.

[ChandlerMom]

We coslept, but usually had massive bed space so the kids got used to near but not touching. They moved into their own room at 2yo (necessity of newborn moving into our room, lol) and all three share a room. At bedtime, I go in and after story/songs/hugs, lay down on a folding exercise mat by the feet of their beds. After they are asleep, I get up for a couple more hours then to dh/my bed. For us it keeps our room ours, but gives the kids the comfort of going to sleep with me there. If one is sick, we usually move them to another room and I sleep near the sick child.

 

Find what works for you and your family, what needs your dd has, dh as well, and don't forget yourself!

[Parrothead]

1. Find out what specifically is bothering your dh about co-sleeping. Maybe addressing that will solve your problem.

 

2. Co-sleeping has been the norm for most of the world for thousands of years. Maybe not all in the same bed, but at least in the same room.

 

3. Does your dd suffer from anxiety at all? Mine does and has been in bed with me most of her life. She is now on her third night in her own bed. She has the dog with her. She is 12.

 

It did work out for us since dh works shifts and only tried to spend a third of his nights in bed with me. Due to my sleep disorder we went to separate rooms But that is another story.

[Shawna in Texas]

I agree with Joanne.

 

Does she have any siblings she can sleep with? Does she sleep in a separate room or in the room with you and your dh?

 

If no siblings and she sleeps in her own room by herself, then see if she'd be happy with making her own space in your room. My dd, who was 4 at the time, was fine with that. DH worked odd hours, so she still crawled in bed with me a lot. I think we forget sometimes that we have someone to sleep with, but small children are expected to sleep alone. I would never make a child sleep alone. I don't like to sleep alone. It's not about creating monsters or my 13 yo would be horrid. I would be horrid. My most spirited child coughwretchedcough was out of my bed at 1.5 years and my room at 4. All of her own choosing. She sleeps with her sister now.

 

If she already has a bed in your room and she wants to sleep with you still, you can offer to hold hands (I have fond memories of doing this with my grandmother when I was too big to sleep in the bed with her and my grandfather) or find another way to make her excited about her space. Decals for the wall, special pillow/blanket, etc. For my oldest we ended up just buying a larger bed. :tongue_smilie:

[HappyLady]

Thanks for all of the responses! And I'll get to those links soon!

 

As far as my DD is concerned, she slept very well in her own bed, but I'm thinking her wanting to sleep with me more and more has to do with her little brother coming along. He's 14 months now, but he's in our room and I think she just wants to be with us as well.

 

My DH is concerned that if the kids sleep in our bed they'll never leave and he says he doesn't sleep well when one of them is in bed with us, which is why when our DD wants to sleep with me I sleep in her room. He says he doesn't like sleeping without me though. Intimacy isn't an issue because we um, take care of business, in another room. :) And the thing is, he's not a cuddler, I am, so he sleeps waaaaay on the other side of the bed. I actually like sleeping with our DD also because of the fact I get to cuddle her. :)

 

Hopefully we can agree on a happy medium before our DS wants to start sleeping with us as well. LOL.