Sil is on hospice care and final plans are made. Do I take all the dc to her funeral?

[BamaTanya]

This sil has had a tense relationship with her family, including my dh/her brother. They weren't close. The dc know who she is, but haven't seen her more than once or twice a year.

Dh and I visited with her this morning, but she has been unresponsive for several days. We know the end is near.

I want to be there for dh (who has usu. tried to lay low with this sibling), but I'm not sure about the dc. I mean, she is their aunt and her dc (who my dc know of but not intimately) are my dcs' cousins.

When we bring our 5, it's a crowd. But I wouldn't want to look like we don't care, either. I've thought about making arrangements for my family to watch the younger ones and only taking the older ones who are sure to be respectfully calm and polite.

Thoughts?

[higginszoo]

Since they didn't know her, I think that I'd opt to leave the little ones or possibly all of them at home. You can be there better for your dh if you're not having to focus all of your energy monitoring behavior, etc.

[Mary in VA]

Since they didn't know her, I think that I'd opt to leave the little ones or possibly all of them at home. You can be there better for your dh if you're not having to focus all of your energy monitoring behavior, etc.

 

:iagree:

[Mrs Mungo]

When my mother's father passed away members of my dad's family attended the funeral with us and helped with the younger kids. Just another idea.

[higginszoo]

When my mother's father passed away members of my dad's family attended the funeral with us and helped with the younger kids. Just another idea.

If the kids had actually known her, this is the tactic that I would employ. It has worked well for us for several family members.

[Acadie]

How old are your olders? Is this aunt's passing something they developmentally need to process, even if they weren't very close to her? Will there be cousins there that they can connect with?

 

I think we do children a disservice by shielding them from the natural progression of older family members' deaths, assuming the child is old enough to take it in and not simply be traumatized. I can't say what age that would be, as it would vary individually. At this point I would take my 5.5 and 9 yo to family funerals. If the 5 yo were my oldest, though, maybe not, except for very close relationships.

 

Does dh need you alone, to grieve his sister's passing and their relationship, more than you need to process this as a family, with your olders? Would it help dh to feel free to talk about his sister and her passing with your children?

 

Amy

[BigMamaBird]

I don't mean this in an insensitive way. Please, please, please take it as coming from a place of love.

 

It might be a good idea to take them to the funeral so their "first" funeral isn't someone they are very close to and very emotionally attached to. I have taken my oldest to funerals of older people at our church so they get a chance to experience the motions of a funeral without all the "why is Mommy so sad?" type issues. We talk about what is going to happen before hand so they know there may be crying, why there is a body and it's okay if they don't want to see it and such. But it seems easier if they really didn't have a close connection to the person. That way, when a close Grandparent or someone passes, they'll "hopefully" not be frightened by the even.

 

Again, I really don't mean to be insensitive, I know this sort of is. I'm sorry.:grouphug:

[gardenmom5]

they weren't close, so I would definitely leave the littles at home.

 

I left dudeling at home for my mother's funeral - even though he had spent considerable time with her. it's alot to ask of a small child.

[bettyandbob]

You have said your dc have only seen this aunt a couple of times a year. For that reason, I think you do not need to bring any of them. If the dc had a closer relationship with their aunt, I would agree with the pp that suggested the older dc may need to attend the funeral. But you have not described a close relationship.

 

I would only bring them if MIL made an announcement that she expected them (expected everyone) Otherwise, I'd make arrangements for all the dc to stay with your relatives and go alone to support dh.

[Ali in OR]

You're going to understand the extended family situation better than any of us can. In our family, my grandmother died when my kids were pretty young--2, 4, and 7. My mom died 2 years later. At both funerals every family member brought the youngest generation and there was something uplifting about seeing the kids at play with each other (after the service!). There were probably 15-20 kids at my grandmother's service (cousins' kids too) and 10 at my mother's service. At my grandmother's service, a sitter was hired to watch the youngest kids during the service itself, but they were out and about at the reception. It was a very positive experience both times for our extended family.

[SW in IL]

Depends on their ages. I'd probably opt to leave the youngest few at home especially if they didn't have a relationship with SIL. If the older/oldest are old enough to understand, I'd sit down with him/her/them and talk about what's going on and then give them the choide of whether to attend or not.

 

Sue

[mom4him]

This sil has had a tense relationship with her family, including my dh/her brother. They weren't close. The dc know who she is, but haven't seen her more than once or twice a year.

Dh and I visited with her this morning, but she has been unresponsive for several days. We know the end is near.

I want to be there for dh (who has usu. tried to lay low with this sibling), but I'm not sure about the dc. I mean, she is their aunt and her dc (who my dc know of but not intimately) are my dcs' cousins.

When we bring our 5, it's a crowd. But I wouldn't want to look like we don't care, either. I've thought about making arrangements for my family to watch the younger ones and only taking the older ones who are sure to be respectfully calm and polite.

Thoughts?

 

When my brother passed I gave my younger two the choice as to whether they wanted to go or not. One chose to go the other to stay at home.

[littlebug42]

How does the extended family look upon stuff like this? In my family for certain, it would be highly frowned upon for the kids to not attend. Everyone goes to funerals. It is similar in dh's family although they tend to be more understanding if travel is involved that all kids can't always come. I would take my children to the funeral.

[Wabi Sabi]

How does the extended family look upon stuff like this? In my family for certain, it would be highly frowned upon for the kids to not attend. Everyone goes to funerals. It is similar in dh's family although they tend to be more understanding if travel is involved that all kids can't always come. I would take my children to the funeral.

 

Exactly. In my family people would be upset if we didn't bring the children. We've only taken them to the calling though, never to the actual service/burial.

 

Like a PP, I'm also glad that it has given my children the chance to ask lots of questions about death without all of the emotions and grief of losing someone close to them. Hopefully when they do inevitably experience a close loss they'll be a little bit better prepared for what is going to happen and know what they might expect to see.

[Aggie]

I don't mean this in an insensitive way. Please, please, please take it as coming from a place of love.

 

It might be a good idea to take them to the funeral so their "first" funeral isn't someone they are very close to and very emotionally attached to. I have taken my oldest to funerals of older people at our church so they get a chance to experience the motions of a funeral without all the "why is Mommy so sad?" type issues. We talk about what is going to happen before hand so they know there may be crying, why there is a body and it's okay if they don't want to see it and such. But it seems easier if they really didn't have a close connection to the person. That way, when a close Grandparent or someone passes, they'll "hopefully" not be frightened by the event.

 

Again, I really don't mean to be insensitive, I know this sort of is. I'm sorry.:grouphug:

 

 

Yes. It can be very traumatic for a child to attend a funeral of someone close if that is the child's first funeral.

[ChandlerMom]

Funerals are for the living (those left behind), not the dead. Among the living, my spouse and children are the only one's whose welfare for which I am truly accountable. Unless dh wants the kids there, I'd leave them all at home. They would be a distraction to the grieving of dh and myself and I see no benefit to practice running a funeral. I think it would be conflicting to them to see people they care about mourning when they themselves do not have those feelings. It might lead to feelings of guilt since most kids assume everyone feels how they do.

 

I was deeply affected by my grandpa's funeral when I was 8yo. I went along, did the right things, but it was a surreal detached thing that didn't help me with my own grieving, which didn't really happen until 8mo later. I don't think more familiarity with funerals would have helped and probably would have made things worse. But that is just my experience, but perhaps that is the point -- how a child will react is highly variable and dependent on personality and developmental state. I wouldn't risk it unless there was a clear benefit to dh or the kids' grieving process, and it doesn't sound like the kids have much attachment to grieve in this case.

 

Just do whatever feels right for your family and ask dh how he feels about it. :grouphug:

[BamaTanya]

I did not think any of you were being insensitive. I had asked for your perspectives.

 

The fact is, they lost someone who was intimately involved in their lives 3 years ago when my mother died. She was someone they knew and saw almost every day. It was heartbreaking. I was reeling. But there really wasn't any question of leaving them behind because she was their Nana. We took even the youngest who was only 3 at the time. (We did have a large extended family who helped with thoughtful things like holding my ds with Asperger's and taking another one to the restroom in the middle of the service.)

 

When I asked about this situations, I was thinking instead of the complexity of dh's family relationships and giving room but not intruding our crew . . . These are people who have been estranged from each other at different times even if they cared about one another.

 

Turns out I needn't have asked here at all.

 

Dh felt led to go back to visit his sister yesterday evening and he was with her when she passed away.

 

He wants the children to be with us at the funeral, so I'll talk with them about offering comfort to their cousins who have lost their mother. I'll tell them that people feel differently when faced with death because of different relationships and personalities and that we're going for their father and grandfather and cousins.

 

Thanks for your responses.

[Danestress]

I would be primarily concerned with the people who were most devoted to your SIL, which often is spouse, children, parents. Even when a relationship has been tense or ruptured, a funeral of a child, parent, spouse is going to be very emotional. If you think that their presence there will be some comfort to your MIL and/or FIL, I would take the kids. I would line up someone to whisk away any child who melts down. I might leave toddlers and infants at home if you can't deal with it. Everyone else would go there knowing that this just isn't a day about them, and that they are to be of kind and gentle service to those in mourning. Even a four year old can "get" that.