How do you deal with tattle-tales in your family?

[plain jane]

My kids were never the type to tattle-tale but one of my kids is good friends with a child who lives and breathes tattle-taling :rolleyes: and the behavior seems to have run off into my family now. :glare:

 

I have told my kids that this is not acceptable and will not be tolerated but, well, clearly I need to have consequences because my simply saying it shouldn't happen is not good enough. Imagine that. :tongue_smilie:

 

I'm really sick of hearing, "so-and-so did that" or "so-and-so hit me" and on and on. The one who's friend does it is the worst but the rest have picked up on it too. :willy_nilly:

 

So- what do I do with the kids who tattle-tale? Loss of priviledges? Loss of toys? I'm out of ideas here. I'm simply looking for gentle ideas to dissuade this sort of behavior. :)

[Laurie4b]

What I did when my kids were little was to make a clear rule about what I wanted to hear about: someone broke the private part rules, someone is hurt or could be hurt, etc. Whatever your standards are, be clear what is included.

 

Anyone who told me anything not according to the rules above got the punishment I would have given the offender if I had seen the behavior myself. If I wouldn't have given consequences, then I might have asked, 'What punishment do you think s/he should get?" and dole that one out. Nipped it very fast.

[AimeeM]

Here's the thing...

We were firmly anti-tattle tale until we placed Autumn in a public school for a year. She ended up on the receiving end of some very nasty sexual and racial bullying (fourth grade). She didn't tell. She had been taught not to, after all. With young children, it is often "all or nothing". Understanding when, why, and how to do it "correctly" is too complex for them to understand.

As a result of our no tattling policy, we didn't know about the bullying until it was very, very serious; and then we only found out because she started breaking down in school, faking sick, and we overheard a conversation she had with a friend.

 

Never, never again will I tell my children not to tell if someone says something (anything) to hurt their feelings or their body. Period.

 

When I notice that she (they) reach an age of emotional and intellectual maturity where they can understand not to tattle simply because someone is annoying them; then I will encourage that, but not until then.

 

So I'm not sure what to tell you. Having a tattler can be annoying for a parent, but I would rather be the annoyed parent of a tattler, than the devastated parent of a bullied-until-she-hates-the-world child.

[silliness7]

My kids were never the type to tattle-tale but one of my kids is good friends with a child who lives and breathes tattle-taling :rolleyes: and the behavior seems to have run off into my family now. :glare:

 

I have told my kids that this is not acceptable and will not be tolerated but, well, clearly I need to have consequences because my simply saying it shouldn't happen is not good enough. Imagine that. :tongue_smilie:

 

I'm really sick of hearing, "so-and-so did that" or "so-and-so hit me" and on and on. The one who's friend does it is the worst but the rest have picked up on it too. :willy_nilly:

 

So- what do I do with the kids who tattle-tale? Loss of priviledges? Loss of toys? I'm out of ideas here. I'm simply looking for gentle ideas to dissuade this sort of behavior. :)

 

Ask the tattler what he thinks so and so's punishment should be. Mete it out to the tattler instead. Mordecai and Haman in reverse. :lol:

 

Of course, if they go off the deep end "off with his head!" well.....:auto:

 

ETA: My kids saw something in a show once. A Tattle Turtle. We're not big tattlers here, basically because I'm usually too frazzaled and harried to lend a sympathetic ear. But on the rare instance I hear tattling I tell them to tell the tattle turtle 'cause I don't want to hear it.

Edited November 7, 2011 by silliness7

[Susan in TN]

My kids were never the type to tattle-tale but one of my kids is good friends with a child who lives and breathes tattle-taling :rolleyes: and the behavior seems to have run off into my family now. :glare:

 

I have told my kids that this is not acceptable and will not be tolerated but, well, clearly I need to have consequences because my simply saying it shouldn't happen is not good enough. Imagine that. :tongue_smilie:

 

I'm really sick of hearing, "so-and-so did that" or "so-and-so hit me" and on and on. The one who's friend does it is the worst but the rest have picked up on it too. :willy_nilly:

 

So- what do I do with the kids who tattle-tale? Loss of priviledges? Loss of toys? I'm out of ideas here. I'm simply looking for gentle ideas to dissuade this sort of behavior. :)

 

This happened in our family - rubbed off from friends. If it's not something that really sounds dangerous, I usually just tell them to go talk to that person about what they've done/are doing.

[Guest submarines]

How old are the kids in question?

[cindergretta]

Here's the thing...

We were firmly anti-tattle tale until we placed Autumn in a public school for a year. She ended up on the receiving end of some very nasty sexual and racial bullying (fourth grade). She didn't tell. She had been taught not to, after all. With young children, it is often "all or nothing". Understanding when, why, and how to do it "correctly" is too complex for them to understand.

As a result of our no tattling policy, we didn't know about the bullying until it was very, very serious; and then we only found out because she started breaking down in school, faking sick, and we overheard a conversation she had with a friend.

 

Never, never again will I tell my children not to tell if someone says something (anything) to hurt their feelings or their body. Period.

 

When I notice that she (they) reach an age of emotional and intellectual maturity where they can understand not to tattle simply because someone is annoying them; then I will encourage that, but not until then.

 

So I'm not sure what to tell you. Having a tattler can be annoying for a parent, but I would rather be the annoyed parent of a tattler, than the devastated parent of a bullied-until-she-hates-the-world child.

 

 

:iagree: I hate tattling but I also hate when the dc take matters into their own hands and then there is fighting and I hear, "But she did XYZ!". And then she says, "Yeah, but he did ABC!". Ugh!! So I have to suffer through the tattling to kind of keep the peace. It is a stage that is outgrown when they are better able to discern what needs adult intervention and what doesn't.

[kewb]

First I defined the difference between tattling and telling. If someone did something that physically or emotionally hurt you or is doing something that will cause bodily harm-come tell. If it is something that does not really affect you in any way-that is tattling.

 

Then I introduced them to the Tattle Form. You have to put today's date. Your name, date of birth, home address, tel. #, & my cell phone #. Then you have to answer a bunch of questions, such as: Favorite song, least favorite food, favorite subject, favorite outfit, least favorite book, etc. Then when you get to the bottom there is space for the name of who you are tattling on and what the tattle is.

 

I figured you must really want to tattle if you are willing to fill in the form. Plus, it enabled me to reinforce some basic facts that they should know-such as tel.#.

 

The form dramatically cut down on tattling.

[Perogi]

I find tattling such a struggle! I really dislike tattling but if someone is hitting/not sharing/stealing toys/etc what recourse does the other child have?!

[LittleIzumi]

I find tattling such a struggle! I really dislike tattling but if someone is hitting/not sharing/stealing toys/etc what recourse does the other child have?!

 

:iagree::iagree: I'd much rather they come to me if they can't figure out a way to deal with it. I especially want them to tell me if the other person is doing something dreadful (cutting the cat's hair, going into forbidden places, etc). When it gets petty, my reply tends to be, "Well, what do you think we should do about that?" and then they solve it themselves.

[Perogi]

:iagree::iagree: I'd much rather they come to me if they can't figure out a way to deal with it. I especially want them to tell me if the other person is doing something dreadful (cutting the cat's hair, going into forbidden places, etc). When it gets petty, my reply tends to be, "Well, what do you think we should do about that?" and then they solve it themselves.

 

I often think, when the tattling increases in frequency, that I just need to be spending more time with them and guiding their interactions more actively. I mean, they're young and aren't born knowing how to solve problems, share, be considerate, etc. so imo telling them to figure it out for themselves isn't always helpful. It does get tiring, I'll admit that.

[PhotoGal]

I don't really mind tattling. I guess I'd rather know what is going on! :D

 

But I do usually ask them: "Are you telling to get someone into trouble or out of trouble?"

 

I try to discourage tattling just to get someone else in trouble - example: "Ds isn't brushing his teeth!" But I encourage telling me to get someone else out of trouble - example: "Ds is climbing the bookshelf!" That would also include telling if someone was being hurt/bullied/doing something dangerous.

[alpidarkomama]

One of our family mottoes is "Talk TO the person, not ABOUT the person." It's been said so many times that now it's pretty well ingrained. :)

[Lily_Grace]

 

But I do usually ask them: "Are you telling to get someone into trouble or out of trouble?"

 

 

We do something very similar - "are you tattling or telling?" Tattling gets a person into trouble, telling gets them out.

 

There's a lot of times you can't help hearing a tattle because it comes out before there's time to discuss it, and in that case a simple "it sounds like you need help dealing with this. Let's sit down and come up with solutions." Obviously if a kid is being just downright mean that's going to come up over and over and is going to need to be watched really closely until they learn new habits, but this helps for the back and forth bit kids go through.

[RegularMom]

But I do usually ask them: "Are you telling to get someone into trouble or out of trouble?"

 

 

I like this.

 

I also do this for my 8yo, who is the major tattler in the house: When she comes to me and says her sister hit her or did something, I always ask her: "what were YOU doing right before she did that?"

 

Nine times out of ten, that stops the conversation because my 8yo doesn't want to tell me what she did to prompt such a response. :rolleyes:

[dirty ethel rackham]

How about, instead of a no-tattling rule, use the situation to help the children learn how to work things out peacefully? I didn't have a no tattling rule. For us, "tattling" was a cry for help in dealing with a situation. So, we used it as an opportunity to teach the kids how to resolve a conflict. Kids don't learn these skills in a vacuum. When left to their own devices in a "no tattling" household, one of the kids typically gains power over the other and uses it unfairly.

 

When I had a child come and "tattle", I often asked what should be done. If they did not know, I would model appropriate words.

 

I grew up in a house where tattling was simply ignored. As a result, my legitimate grievances were simply ignored. I felt powerless. That affected my relationships with my siblings. That carried on to school where I suffered through years of bullying. I had learned through experience that the adults in my life would ignore the situation so I didn't bother asking for help.

[Perogi]

How about, instead of a no-tattling rule, use the situation to help the children learn how to work things out peacefully? I didn't have a no tattling rule. For us, "tattling" was a cry for help in dealing with a situation. So, we used it as an opportunity to teach the kids how to resolve a conflict. Kids don't learn these skills in a vacuum. When left to their own devices in a "no tattling" household, one of the kids typically gains power over the other and uses it unfairly.

 

When I had a child come and "tattle", I often asked what should be done. If they did not know, I would model appropriate words.

 

I grew up in a house where tattling was simply ignored. As a result, my legitimate grievances were simply ignored. I felt powerless. That affected my relationships with my siblings. That carried on to school where I suffered through years of bullying. I had learned through experience that the adults in my life would ignore the situation so I didn't bother asking for help.

 

:iagree:

 

I don't usually get a lot of tattling in my house where it's simply about getting someone else in trouble (like telling on brother or sister for not brushing their teeth for example). My experience is more like yours where it's a "cry for help". I think working through it with the kids rather than just doling out consequences keeps it from becoming a rewarding experience in terms of just getting brother/sister into trouble and teaches valuable skills at the same time.

[missiemick]

Standard responses:

"Thank you for telling me that."

"Why did you feel it was important to tell me _____?"

" Are you trying to get your ______ in trouble?"

"If ______ is doing something that they're not supposed to do it is your job as their friend/sister/brother to help them not get in trouble. Go help them do the right thing."

[Farrar]

I tend to say, simply, "So?" to the small tattling things. And, "Then go work it out!" to the squabble ones.

 

But we don't have a lot of tattling going on here. I think in families where tattling is encouraged it robs the kids of the learning process of working things out for themselves. And it makes it even harder for them to discern the difference between something serious that you do need to tell about and something minor that you don't. I don't think kids need to be that old to figure it out. Mine are only 7 and they get it right most of the time - telling me things that really matter and not telling me about squabbles and one extra jellybeans and things that just don't.