LidiyaDawn Posted October 19, 2011 Share Posted October 19, 2011 What would you do in this situation, if anything? I'd stay out of it. :) Why? This isn't a little kid doing something dangerous.. this is a young lady who is pretty much an adult choosing to use social media. Her folks are overreacting to imagined dangers. That's what I would do in this situation. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RoughCollie Posted October 19, 2011 Author Share Posted October 19, 2011 (edited) OP, do you think 'X' is in need of establishing some independence from her parents and this is why she feels the need to inform them of the FB page? It is that - she told DD that she is old enough and mature enough to handle a FB account wisely. I think also she feels guilty about not being truthful with her parents, and that she is worried about getting caught. My DD is worried about X getting into a lot of trouble if she tells,, and about the parents getting mad at both of us for not telling them about this. She doesn't want X to be forbidden to be friends with her. I told DD if the parents get mad at us, I will handle it outside of her presence. There is no way I'm going to let them jump on DD. Edited October 19, 2011 by RoughCollie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RoughCollie Posted October 19, 2011 Author Share Posted October 19, 2011 (edited) Okay, I think you all are correct. I will stop monitoring her account. I will also tell X that this is not my business, that it is between she and her parents, whatever she decides to do. Edited October 19, 2011 by RoughCollie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RanchGirl Posted October 19, 2011 Share Posted October 19, 2011 I think the only mistake you made was getting involved, letting X know you know about the fb account and trying to monitor it. Since it's not a safety issue, there is no reason to tell X's parents. They may not find out until she's over 18 in which case what can they do? If they come to you about it, just tell them the truth, briefly. "Yes I knew, but you know I don't think fb is dangerous for older teens. Would you like me to help you set up your own account so you can be 'friends' with X on fb?". And if they want to blame you further, be sure to point out that you came to them twice with *real* safety concerns and they didn't want to hear it! Bottom line, these people are not being logical about fb and they don't seem to have much respect for you as a "parenting partner". Keep your word to your dd and turn a blind eye to these types of minor issues. Eta, well shoot, I took too long typing on my iPad, looks like you've already come to a conclusion! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RoughCollie Posted October 19, 2011 Author Share Posted October 19, 2011 (edited) Gently said and meant in the nicest manner possible: You say this is about integrity and yet you have kept this information from X's parents to "protect" X. No, that is not the situation. Bare bones: My DD told me about this in confidence because she was surprised that X opened a FB account against her parents' rules, and she was worried X would get into big trouble, and she wanted to know how she should respond to this revelation. My agreement with my DD is that I will not breach her confidence unless I think the person is in danger. I do not think X is in danger. OTOH, I strongly believe friendships are based on trust. I am not keeping this secret to protect X from her parents' anger. I am keeping it because of my agreement with DD. It happens that by my keeping the secret, X is also protected (thus far) from her parents' anger. I mucked up my discussion of the situation by delving into that aspect when it is not actually germane to my problem. I am pretty sure X's parents would view this as a breach of trust on my part if I do not tell them about it. I have not told them because X is not in danger, and because it would definitely cause DD not to trust me any more. DD would feel betrayed by me, and rightly so, I think. I have never had this problem before, and I wasn't sure whether I was handling it correctly. I am not going to tell X's parents, I am going to tell X that she has to decide how to handle it and that this is not my business, and I am going to stop looking at X's FB page. If X's parents get mad at me and DD, I am going to tell them my point of view, and let the chips fall where they may. I am not going to do anything to cause my DD not to trust me. She needs my guidance and support, and I am her Mother. Edited October 19, 2011 by RoughCollie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted October 19, 2011 Share Posted October 19, 2011 I have never had this problem before, and I wasn't sure whether I was handling it correctly. I am not going to tell X's parents, I am going to tell X that she has to decide how to handle it and that this is not my business, and I am going to stop looking at X's FB page. If X's parents get mad at me and DD, I am going to tell them my point of view, and let the chips fall where they may. I am not going to do anything to cause my DD not to trust me. She needs my guidance and support, and I am her Mother. I think you are a good mother and a good friend. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SonshineLearner Posted October 19, 2011 Share Posted October 19, 2011 If it were drugs, s*x or something like that, I'd tell. A FB account?? At 17.5?? No way.... it's just not important. It's called "ultra controlling parents".... When they ask you, you can say that you knew.... you asked your DD to tell you if there was anything worrisome, but that you only break your word about keeping talks between yourself (you and your dd) over information that is "live or die." Obviously, in 6 months.. that girl is gonna have a FB account :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RoughCollie Posted October 19, 2011 Author Share Posted October 19, 2011 (edited) Since I did bring up side issues, X broke up with the speeding, drag racing boyfriend a week ago. She is going through a hard time about that, but has the full emotional support of her family and friends. She is no longer depressed, except about the recent breakup, and she is not holding her emotions inside to fester. I really appreciate everyone's comments and advice. I have been worrying about this situation daily. It became much bigger than the straightforward problem it really is, because I rolled all the side issues into it, along with my feelings about those issues. It was like one big, tangled ball of yarn. I just this morning realized I don't have to do that ... I can ask you all. Thank you, thank you, thank you! Edited October 19, 2011 by RoughCollie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Danestress Posted October 19, 2011 Share Posted October 19, 2011 In my opinion, this is one of those "their house, their rules" type situations. Since this girl feels no obligation to follow their rules, I hope she doesn't plan to eat their food or educate herself on their dime. Like you, I can't really imagine why they care if she has a facebook page. I think they need to start building trust in her own ability to protect herself. But it doesn't really matter what I think, because I am not paying the rent there and she's not my child. I have a hard time with the idea of a kids' parents becoming so complicit in another kids rebellion. Whether we think the rule is dumb or not (and it does seem like a dumb rule) we don't get a vote. While having facebook isn't endangering her, neither would NOT having facebook. She would be fine - a little less plugged into her social network, but fine. And she would be obeying the rules of the people who are presumably feeding her, housing her, paying her medical bills, and perhaps even planning to help her with college or whatever is "next" in her life. If she doesn't like their rules at 18, she needs to negotiate new ones or honorably move out. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mommaduck Posted October 19, 2011 Share Posted October 19, 2011 I'd put your relationship with your dd ahead of all other issues. X is breaking a family rule, yes, but she's not in danger, or behaving in such a way that I would consider 'risky'. Lets face it...the parents are going to be angry w/you regardless. You didn't race to the phone to rat their dd out the nanosecond that you discovered she had FB. I get the impression that anything less than that would be unacceptable. If this was an underage kid, or was posting risky things, that would be different. But she's 17.5, almost an adult. And she seems to be mature, responsible, and on a good path. I'd stick w/where you're at. :iagree:IMO, that child is an ADULT. You are NOT obligated in this kind of circumstance. Let the chips fall where they will. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chepyl Posted October 19, 2011 Share Posted October 19, 2011 If they ask you, just say "Yes, and I encouraged her to tell you herself." Don't elaborate. Otherwise, I would not worry about it. As others have said, it would be different if she was younger. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
myfunnybunch Posted October 19, 2011 Share Posted October 19, 2011 You do have a clear agreement with your daughter. You have no agreement with the other family. Their daughter is safe. This is a relationship/parenting issue between them and their daughter, period. You are not betraying anyone by not telling, even if they would perceive it to be so. I honestly don't see an integrity issue with not sharing. Cat Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Little Nyssa Posted October 19, 2011 Share Posted October 19, 2011 "Yes, I did know about it, and I encouraged her to tell you." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Haiku Posted October 19, 2011 Share Posted October 19, 2011 No, I am not friends with her. DD is, and I can see X's FB account through DD's account. Ok, then I don't think you should use your dd's account to monitor/spy on her friend. So, does anyone think I should continue to monitor X's FB page just in case something bad happens? I don't want to do that. It is boring. I'm just trying to cover all the bases. Definitely not. She's not your dd, and it's not your responsibility to keep her "safe" from FB. You have no bases to cover. She's not your daughter, and her disobedience of her parents' rule is not really your business. Tara Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mommaduck Posted October 19, 2011 Share Posted October 19, 2011 "Yes, I did know about it, and I encouraged her to tell you." :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Denisemomof4 Posted October 19, 2011 Share Posted October 19, 2011 I think you are a good mother and a good friend. :iagree: and I also think you've put a lot of stress on yourself to keep all parties happy. It's too much for you!:grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
simka2 Posted October 19, 2011 Share Posted October 19, 2011 "Yes, I did know about it, and I encouraged her to tell you." :iagree: ...I might say it more like, "Yes, I did know about it. She told me she was going to tell you guys and at 17.5 I wanted to give her the opportunity to take responsibility for her actions. You have raised a beautiful, level headed, and courageous young woman. You have much to be proud of." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parrothead Posted October 19, 2011 Share Posted October 19, 2011 :iagree: ...I might say it more like, "Yes, I did know about it. She told me she was going to tell you guys and at 17.5 I wanted to give her the opportunity to take responsibility for her actions. You have raised a beautiful, level headed, and courageous young woman. You have much to be proud of." :iagree:Something like this. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
twoforjoy Posted October 19, 2011 Share Posted October 19, 2011 In my opinion, this is one of those "their house, their rules" type situations. Since this girl feels no obligation to follow their rules, I hope she doesn't plan to eat their food or educate herself on their dime. "No obligation to follow their rules"? From what the OP said, this is the ONLY act of rebellion she's aware of from this girl. And if this rule is any indication, I'd say that puts the daughter up there in deserving-of-teenage-sainthood territory. When my kids are teens, I do not want you to tell me if they break my house rules. Unless they are doing something truly, imminently dangerous, that's a parenting issue between them and me. So don't tell me. But, if I have a bunch of insane, overly-controlling, infantilizing rules, please let me know that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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