Shelly in VA Posted October 17, 2011 Share Posted October 17, 2011 What household tasks are reasonable to divide between those old enough to do them? Dh and I have 2 teens, a 10yo, and a 6yo in the house. He works full, I school the kids full time. I have in the past worked part-time while schooling the kids, but we won't go there right now... :glare: Anyway, it takes me all day to "do school" with the kids, due in large part to the range of ages and abilities. To me, it is reasonable to look at the other tasks to be done as if both dh and I are out of the house all day, and divide them b/t us and the kids old enough to help out. (Although I do, during the day, throw in a load of laundry or unload the dishwasher, that sort of thing, if time permits.) Dh does not think this is reasonable. He feels there can't be a balance of duties when I am hs-ing 4 kids, although there is something psychological going on there that I can't quite ID ;), b/c while he will say that my job is more demanding than his, he is not willing to help me check math homework, or work with the older ones on labs or papers, etc. He says it is b/c he doesn't know how, as his family growing up was not academically oriented, but he has a college degree, so I think he could certainly figure it out if he really wanted to. That said, in addition to schooling during the day, the extra "after-hours" school responsibility also falls on me. Also, dh travels for work, so several nights per week (2-3 on average) he is not here for any of the driving to extracurriculars, dinner, chores, bedtime, etc. So -- is it reasonable that cooking/laundry/general housekeeping should be divided b/t people, and is it reasonable to think that dh should take on some of those responsibilities as well, or should it really be just the kids and me doing that? I'm all for creating a welcoming environment at home for him after he has worked, but there are only so many hours in everyone's day! Even in my very traditional home growing up, while my dad didn't do much at home, he did take on lots of coaching and driving us kids to extracurriculars, he grilled on weekends, and he helped us with our homework once we were hs aged. Dh thinks that he should not be expected to regularly take on tasks, but rather that when he is able to help he will, and when he isn't, it comes back to me. That seems off to me, but maybe I'm just tired. And stressed b/c we are looking at going out of town for a few days later this week, which always stresses me out b/c of the schedule juggling that occurs to make that happen. :) I realize no one can look at this post and see our home, but any input on a reasonable division of labor would be helpful, so that I can adjust my attitude, or firm up my you-need-to-pull-your-weight stance, as needed. Thank you!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lily_Grace Posted October 17, 2011 Share Posted October 17, 2011 Dh and I have a policy of before/after. During the time he is at work and I am at home, general housekeeping falls on me. By general I mean: cleaning up after ourselves as we go along, doing a load or two of laundry each day, etc. BEFORE work and AFTER, we divide things 50/50. If he cooks dinner, I do the dishes and kitchen clean up. If I put the baby to bed, he cleans up the living room or puts way the laundry from earlier. In the morning whoever is up last makes the bed. We each clean our main bathrooms (me-downstairs guest, him - upstairs master bath). On weekends we make lists and tackle the nitty gritty. I am not a maid and neither is he. This is the best division of labor we have found over the years without either of us getting frustrated about the lack of help. It also excuses us when we we're out with friends or extracurriculars from the equal divide. Not here = not responsible for the mess. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heather in OK Posted October 17, 2011 Share Posted October 17, 2011 Mine are between the ages of 13 and 6. There are eight jobs that rotate between the children. I change them on Sundays. - Litter box - vacuuming or sweeping (we have hard woods & tile so either can be done) - kitchen (unload/load dishwasher, wipe counter) - hall bathroom - dusting - trash - laundry - dinner (helping me in the kitchen) Dh takes care of the yard, he's our computer tech support (lol), any anything that we need his help with. He works from home so he's here all day and available when he can be. I take care of shopping, meal planning, mopping the floors, cleaning our master bath, the gardens, budgeting, and probably many other things that are slipping my mind at the moment. If someone sees something that needs to be done, you get it done. If you make a mess, you clean it up. We all chip in. Even dh. Dh thinks that he should not be expected to regularly take on tasks, but rather that when he is able to help he will, and when he isn't, it comes back to me. Do you do his laundry? Stop. ;) Tell him you shouldn't be expected to take on cleaning the clothes that he got dirty since you have so many other tasks falling on your shoulders. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mama Geek Posted October 17, 2011 Share Posted October 17, 2011 Dh and I look at it as doing what is best for the family. We both work at the things that need to be done. With that said we do sometimes have different priorities. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parrothead Posted October 17, 2011 Share Posted October 17, 2011 No, I'm sorry, your dh needs to get a grip on reality and get busy helping out around the house on a regular basis. Sounds like a bad case of "Idon'twanna" instead of anything else. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
snickelfritz Posted October 17, 2011 Share Posted October 17, 2011 Well, here's one thing. The nights that he's out of town for work can't be counted against him. I know that makes it harder on you, but it's not his fault. Obviously, he can't handle driving or cleaning duties on those nights. With him gone all weekdays and 2-3 nights a week, he just won't be able to do half of all of the cooking/cleaning/carpooling. And I don't think it's fair to say he should be making up for those times on other nights and weekends. Beyond that, everyone who is home helps with things as they come up. Dinner? Everyone clears their own place and helps get dishes done. Yard work needs done? Girls pick up the yard, dh mows, I weed. I do, mostly, TRY (key word) to keep the house picked up and laundry done during the day. Because I like our nights and weekends to be fun family time and not marathon cleaning sessions. But, we all might pitch in on a Saturday to get a mountain of laundry caught up. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Night Elf Posted October 17, 2011 Share Posted October 17, 2011 (edited) Gosh, you'll probably see some real differences in these answers. :D In our home: DH works from home. He is a software support specialist with Hewlett Packard, so he's on the computer nearly all day. But it isn't something that tires him out and he's home so he does a fair amount of work around the house. But to be honest, we didn't sit down and divide the work. Our routine has just fallen into place over the years based on what we like to do or what we're really good at doing. Kitchen work: DD does all the cooking and most of the kitchen cleaning. This started because he didn't like the way I packed the dishwasher. It was ridiculous for him to come along behind me and rework it, so I left the dishes to him. But I go through and wipe the counters/appliances and stove every day. I also clean out the refrigerator when it needs to be done. He usually unloads the dishwasher as well because he is the first person awake. He likes it empty so we can put dirty dies in throughout the day, although no one puts much in there because we know he'll go back and rework it. :tongue_smilie: He has naturally assumed all cooking duties because I hate cooking, and he realized he rather enjoys it. Oh, I forgot to mention that he does all the shopping too because he is the one that cooks and he knows what we need. Bathrooms: I do all bathroom work. He hates cleaning the bathroom. I'd rather clean the bathrooms than do kitchen work! The rest of the rooms don't get dirty really. They just need to be vacuumed every couple of days because we have dogs. We usually have blankets out on the sofas all day as well. When no one is using them, I fold them. Our days of having toys all over are gone. So the only things that really need to be done are vacuuming, sweeping, and dusting. DH does most of our laundry. By "our", I mean him, me and ds15. Dd13 prefers to do her own. Dd19 and her boyfriend do their own. When DH washes clothes, he dumps them on our bed and ds15 and I go in and put away our own laundry. I also fold and put away towels. The kids don't have regular chores. They do help with stuff when I ask them to though. When they were younger, they were really good about picking up their own toys, although I did have to prompt them. I would help them get started and then they would finish. They will help with vacuuming and dusting too. Basically, we clean on an as-needed basis. We don't follow a schedule. We've never divided house work by gender, such as the kitchen and laundry are a woman's work and outside is a man's work. Both he and I grew up with single moms and work was shared by everyone who lived in the house. He doesn't mind house work at all. He'll do laundry during the day when he takes little breaks from work. He also helps with schoolwork, specifically math. Ds15 is doing Algebra 2 and I'm learning beside him. I never took this class before so this is all new to me. We need DH's help on a daily basis for personal clarification and/or teaching. He also helps with other subjects as needed. He really loves being a part of the kids' school day. Oh, and DH does ALL yardwork. I do NOT do yardwork. There are THINGS out there. Ewww.... they wiggle, fly, crawl, slither, and hop. Eww eww ewww!! :tongue_smilie: Edited October 17, 2011 by Night Elf Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
snickelfritz Posted October 17, 2011 Share Posted October 17, 2011 Oh, and DH does ALL yardwork. I do NOT do yardwork. There are THINGS out there. Ewww.... they wiggle, fly, crawl, slither, and hop. Eww eww ewww!! :tongue_smilie: I have tried and tried to get dh to let me do all of the yard work. I grew up as a farm girl. Mowing grass, picking dock in the fields, etc... I LIKE to mow. As children, that was the preferred chore over housework. Dh has horrible allergies and get shots and has to wear a mask to mow. But, he won't let me do it, since he's afraid people will think badly of him.:tongue_smilie: I finally gave up and figure his miserableness afterward is his punishment for being stubborn about something that is silly. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lisa in the UP of MI Posted October 17, 2011 Share Posted October 17, 2011 DH's job is very stressful and though on a "normal" day he's home at 5:30 to eat dinner with us, the reality is that if he has work to do he has to stay. And if a deadline is near we won't be seeing him much. At home, he is responsible for all outside work and fix-it type jobs. Other than occasionally putting out the garbage and recycling when he forgets and helping with the garden, I never do those things. If dh is home in the evening he does all of the dishes (from the whole day) and helps with the bedtime process. If he's at work, I do it all by myself, with the understanding that I might not be able to finish the dishes. I do all of the laundry, including putting it away (though the kids help some with their own clothes), and do most of the sweeping and vacuuming. DH and I do other cleaning jobs, like bathrooms, washing floors, etc. when we are able. Neither of us gets upset if the jobs aren't done. I do all of the cooking, though dh is fully capable and when I'm feeling really awful he will help as needed. I require the kids to clean up their rooms every day after quiet time. If time allows, I assist them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parrothead Posted October 17, 2011 Share Posted October 17, 2011 Oh, and DH does ALL yardwork. I do NOT do yardwork. There are THINGS out there. Ewww.... they wiggle, fly, crawl, slither, and hop. Eww eww ewww!! :tongue_smilie: Just think of all the joy you can get from chopping up and stomping on all those creepy-crawlies if you were to mow the lawn. :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ByGrace3 Posted October 17, 2011 Share Posted October 17, 2011 My dh works several nights a week as well as occasional business trips lasting 3 days to 3 weeks. When he is home, he helps ;) Usually, I keep up the house during the day (picked up, try for at least one load of laundry) make lunch/clean up, kids pick up their rooms and playroom. On weekends: catch up on laundry, vacuum, mop, dust, bathrooms. We do the big stuff together, but honestly dh often does more if I have something else... I usually make dinner every night (he is often not home in time) but he usually cooks at least once if not more on the weekends. On the nights he is home for dinner, we split, one cleans up the other does kids baths, we both put kids to bed. When dh is not home it is all on me, I almost always have dinner waiting for him, and most of the time the kitchen is cleaned up and the kids in bed when he gets home late (2-3 nights a week) but every once in awhile the dishes just didn't get done, he will usually do it then. He also does breakfast almost every morning. DD and ds have chores: wiping the table, vacuuming the table area, picking up toys, straightening the living room. DD just started helping to unload the dishwasher and dust. This homeschooling thing is tough, but worth it! However, we all have to work together ;) That said, he is away this week, and I miss him! ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Night Elf Posted October 17, 2011 Share Posted October 17, 2011 Just think of all the joy you can get from chopping up and stomping on all those creepy-crawlies if you were to mow the lawn. :lol: Ewww.. bug guts! :lol: Actually, DH loves to mow the lawn because it's good exercise and I am very thankful for that! But I do have a rule. Each year, I will help in the yard until I see the first critter that grosses me out and then I'm done for the year. This year, I was weeding the garden bed and I wanted to split my hostas so I could plant some on the other side too. I parted the leaves to get to the middle, and a small green frog was looking up at me. I nearly peed in my britches!!! Needless to say, that clump of hostas was not divided, and my yard work was finished for the year. :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
YLVD Posted October 17, 2011 Share Posted October 17, 2011 What household tasks are reasonable to divide between those old enough to do them? Dh and I have 2 teens, a 10yo, and a 6yo in the house. He works full, I school the kids full time. I have in the past worked part-time while schooling the kids, but we won't go there right now... :glare: Anyway, it takes me all day to "do school" with the kids, due in large part to the range of ages and abilities. To me, it is reasonable to look at the other tasks to be done as if both dh and I are out of the house all day, and divide them b/t us and the kids old enough to help out. (Although I do, during the day, throw in a load of laundry or unload the dishwasher, that sort of thing, if time permits.) Dh does not think this is reasonable. He feels there can't be a balance of duties when I am hs-ing 4 kids, although there is something psychological going on there that I can't quite ID ;), b/c while he will say that my job is more demanding than his, he is not willing to help me check math homework, or work with the older ones on labs or papers, etc. He says it is b/c he doesn't know how, as his family growing up was not academically oriented, but he has a college degree, so I think he could certainly figure it out if he really wanted to. That said, in addition to schooling during the day, the extra "after-hours" school responsibility also falls on me. Also, dh travels for work, so several nights per week (2-3 on average) he is not here for any of the driving to extracurriculars, dinner, chores, bedtime, etc. So -- is it reasonable that cooking/laundry/general housekeeping should be divided b/t people, and is it reasonable to think that dh should take on some of those responsibilities as well, or should it really be just the kids and me doing that? I'm all for creating a welcoming environment at home for him after he has worked, but there are only so many hours in everyone's day! Even in my very traditional home growing up, while my dad didn't do much at home, he did take on lots of coaching and driving us kids to extracurriculars, he grilled on weekends, and he helped us with our homework once we were hs aged. Dh thinks that he should not be expected to regularly take on tasks, but rather that when he is able to help he will, and when he isn't, it comes back to me. That seems off to me, but maybe I'm just tired. And stressed b/c we are looking at going out of town for a few days later this week, which always stresses me out b/c of the schedule juggling that occurs to make that happen. :) I realize no one can look at this post and see our home, but any input on a reasonable division of labor would be helpful, so that I can adjust my attitude, or firm up my you-need-to-pull-your-weight stance, as needed. Thank you!!! You are both working, regardless of who brings in the money. HE needs to contribute and pull his weight. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
2squared Posted October 17, 2011 Share Posted October 17, 2011 Also, dh travels for work, so several nights per week (2-3 on average) he is not here for any of the driving to extracurriculars, dinner, chores, bedtime, etc. So -- is it reasonable that cooking/laundry/general housekeeping should be divided b/t people, and is it reasonable to think that dh should take on some of those responsibilities as well, or should it really be just the kids and me doing that? My kids are much younger than yours, but I thought I would throw one thing out there that hasn't been addressed yet. Your level of housekeeping may be vastly different that your dh's. For instance...my dh hates having crumbs on the floor. It doesn't bother me as much. He seems to always walk in the house and sweep. If he wants the floor to be cleaner than I do, he is going to have to got off his butt and get it done. I want the dishes washed after every meal, so I do it. Dh could leave them sitting on the counter for days, and that's what happens if I don't step in. I don't know if this is part of the problem, but neither of you should have expectations of the other person that are higher than what you are willing to do. Both of you, however, should be imposing on the dc. :D Same goes for extracurriculars. If we both want the kids in certain activities, then dh helps with the running around. If it's something I want them to do, the work usually falls to me. If he doesn't want to drive them around at night, then I have to decide if the activity is worth me running around. If it's not, then we don't do it. I used to wait around for dh to get the kids to bed. I wanted them in bed by 8:00, but he would wait until 9:30. I had to choose between him doing the work or getting the bedtime I wanted. I chose the earlier bedtime, so now I get them to bed. I wish he would do it my way, but I realize that it's unfair for me to impose my expectations on him. All this to say.....I think division of labor should naturally occur. You do the work which meets your needs, and he does the work which meets his needs. If you are doing too much, then stop. I know that sounds simplistic, but yet it's really that simple. We have dropped a lot of things which "should" be done but which neither of us wants to do. And you know what? Life goes on. This way brings peace to our family. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WeeBeaks Posted October 17, 2011 Share Posted October 17, 2011 In our home, it me and that is it, unless the kids do it. I can complain until I'm blue in the face, but honestly we have been married 14 years and he is never going to help one iota. Not even counseling changed it at all. I can only control my own actions, and I get to choose whether I will do it or hire out basically, or divorce. So most things I do. I hire out occasionally for bigger projects. The kids are learning to help some. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HS Mom in NC Posted October 18, 2011 Share Posted October 18, 2011 I grew up on a farm so I have very different ideas about what kids should be doing and by what age. By age 6 my kids do real chores properly. I have 3 kids (15,13, and 6.) 15 and 13 trade off daily and weekly chores every month. There's an A list and B list: A unload dishwasher /breakables and sharp things (2-3 times daily) vacuum floors (twice weekly) clean bathroom #1 (weekly) feed, water cats (daily as needed) B scrape dishes before they go into dishwasher (2-3 times daily) mop floors (twice weekly) clean bathroom #2 (weekly) clean litter boxes (daily) 6 year old (doesn't change) unload dishwasher /plastic things and silverware (2-3 times daily) set the table (2-3 times daily) help mom clean bathroom #3 (weekly) dusts weekly Individual daily responsibilities for all 3 kids: clearing the table after a meal straighten up bedroom and bathrooms straighten up living space straighten up school space help with food prep as needed for meals Other responsibilities for all 3 kids: help with shopping (I grocery shop twice a month in an afternoon at Costco, Fry's and Walmart) help with bringing in and putting away all groceries help with food prep for items to be labelled and frozen Yard Work: Some of it my husband does (mowing, trimming, spraying weeds, leaf blowing) all of us help with (bagging grass, bagging trimmings and leaves, sweeping courtyard) My husband's duties: bill paying and budget records (he prints me out weekly reports and graphs) household/vehicle maintenance and repairs teaching our kids math from Algebra-Calculus teaching our kids science in the High School years either taking a kid(s) to an activity or staying home with the kid(s) not attending the activity-his choice doing his own laundry because he's insanely picky about how his clothes are cleaned Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mergath Posted October 18, 2011 Share Posted October 18, 2011 Our house is very fifties, despite the fact that we're both raging liberal feminist types. :tongue_smilie: Basically, I do everything in regard to childcare, housekeeping, and cooking. Of course, dh works around 65 hours most weeks and is too exhausted to do anything other than eat dinner and collapse when he gets home. He'll pitch in if I ask him, but I usually don't bother because I just have to redo it when he's done anyway, lol. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amyable Posted October 18, 2011 Share Posted October 18, 2011 In an ideal world, I think "when one person is working, everyone should be working" is a good motto - if there is anything to be done the work gets split among any "idle" people until it's done. Even my dh thought that sounded like a good idea in theory if not in practice. ;) But in reality, my dh has a pinched nerve in his back that causes pain, that gets worse when he does anything. So he doesn't do anything. :glare: I think he is trying to do more as he sees me getting more and more run down and exhausted as the years of this pass by, but by doing more I mean he'll put cereal boxes away after breakfast or pack leftovers in his lunch bag to take to work, not mow the lawn, cook, do dishes, clean anything, etc. We finally got someone to do the lawn for us. That was good (although their heavy mower is tearing up the lawn and it looks awful. :glare:) I'm trying to get the kids to do more and more, but I don't want to burden them and even with the pitching in (which would be much more helpful if they didn't whine or roll their eyes) it doesn't seem like enough. I'm still exhausted. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LazyDazy Posted October 18, 2011 Share Posted October 18, 2011 I have mixed feelings on this one. Ideally the housework would be shared. However, my dh (and sounds like yours) works a lot which keeps him away from home the vast majority of the week so I feel that concessions should be made. I do all the cooking and cleaning and homeschooling. Dh does try to help out with schoolwork in his own way. He does comment that he doesn't know how do it. By this he means he doesn't know how I want it done which might be what your dh is referring to as well. Dh also takes care of the budgeting and bills. Yard work ends up being about 50/50 (only because sometimes I can't stand to wait for a break in his schedule for the lawn to get mowed). As far as the housework goes, my dh has a much different idea of clean than I do. For him to "see" something needing to be done it would have to be WAY past my seeing that it needed to be done. (He was raised by a hoarder so it does make sense.) The trade off is that I don't work on Sunday. Nothing; no cooking, no cleaning, nothing. Everyone must fend for themselves because that is my day off. This usually leads to dh cooking something for the boys to eat at some point during the day or he offers to take us out to eat. Yeah! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
In2why Posted October 18, 2011 Share Posted October 18, 2011 I think you might want to approach this with a plan. Explain to him that as much as you would like to be able to do it all, you can't and you need his help. I would focus on your needs rather than his not meeting them :D After explaining, I would bring out a list of everything that needs to be done in a week and one of those 4in1 Bic pens and ask him to help you figure out a schedule. Give yourself one color, the older kids a color, younger kids a color, and of course DH a color. Fill in the things that you know you can and will need to do given that he is gone away from the house. Then ask him what he feels like he can do and write it in. Then brainstorm how the other things can get done. Hopefully when he sees 10+things in your color, he will understand that he needs to belly up and take on some more tasks. Make sure that you add your homeschooling tasks and hours into the schedule the same way you add in his work hours away from home. He might need nudging by asking what nights he feels he can cook dinner, or pick up the kids. But by figuring it out together you are approaching the problem as a team, and hopefully finding something that works for both of you. If he isn't receptive and gets angry or defensive perhaps you can ask him how he would like to handle this problem, since your solution isn't helping either of you, but keep repeating that you can't do it all no matter how much you both wish you could. Hopefully his sense of fair play and respect for your hard work will kick in. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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