How do you build your child's self-confidence?

[Nakia]

Please bear with me. This is really hard to type out and might get long. My middle dd is very sensitive. She is shy and gets anxious easily. She is also very kind and loving, but she can be manipulative, sneaky, and stubborn at times. For example, she will whine and cry about her math work, and then when I get very firm with her, she will buck up and do it. It's like she thinks if she whines enough, I will give her the answers. I don't know why she hasn't figured out that doesn't work by now. For the most part, though, she is an absolute sweetheart. She is first to "take care" of me when I don't feel well. She is a thinker; she has to really evaluate a situation before she makes a decision. IOW, she never jumps into something. She is my most athletic and graceful child. She is also very pretty and people often compliment her on her looks. I'm not trying to brag, just trying to give some back story.

 

So, this year, she decided she wanted to take ballet again after not taking any dance for 2 years. I was so happy! She is a very talented dancer. We talked and she decided to also sign up for a lyrical dance class that is right before her ballet class. The first day she went right in to the lyrical class. About 5 minutes later she came out crying. Apparently the teacher had the girls get in a circle and tell about themselves. Emma hates to be the center of attention. Every since then, she will not participate in the lyrical class. Until last week, she cried and cried before every class. Now, she will go in the class without crying, but she stands against the wall. I have tried to figure out why she does this, but she keeps saying she doesn't know. The ballet class is directly after the lyrical class, and she goes right into the ballet class and does it with her whole heart. It's a different teacher but all the same girls.

 

The studio owner, lyrical teacher, and I have been scratching out heads trying to figure this out. I admit I have been less than graceful in dealing with it at times. I have felt like I needed to push her. I do strongly believe she would love the class if she would try it! She actually comes home and shows me the lyrical moves! She is able to do it, but she doesn't. I don't know if she can't (emotionally) or won't. Anyway, tonight I decided to talk to the ballet teacher, whom Emma adores. She told me that Emma is talented and is a very hard worker, but she lacks self-confidence. Honestly, I was surprised and really saddened. I thought it was a combination of shyness and being stubborn. I felt so bad. I don't know why she lacks self-confidence. I wonder if I have done something wrong. Worse, I don't know how to particularly set out to build her self-confidence.

 

My husband wants to pull her from the lyrical class. I have mixed feelings. I know she can do it and would like it if she tries it. OTOH, I don't want her just standing there holding the wall up. And of course, we are paying for it for nothing at this point. I know that a lyrical class is not a big deal in the scheme of things. But, it's just one more thing she is missing out on because of this lack of self-confidence. I wonder, though, if she did the class, would it build her confidence? Does that make sense? If you have had a child like this, what would you do in this situation?

 

Can anyone help me? I feel like crap. It hurts to be told your child lacks self-confidence when you work hard to make sure they know how special they are. I want her to be successful, and I don't want her to spend her life not believing in herself. I hope I don't sound overly dramatic here. I'm not acting that way irl, but I do have to figure this out. I would love btdt advice.

 

 

Please be gentle with me. I'm sad.

Edited October 13, 2011 by Nakia

[KristinaBreece]

I don't have answers, but I have :grouphug:.

 

We've been seeing self-confidence issues in DS for a little while now, and don't really know what else to do about that right now.

[Alte Veste Academy]

My husband wants to pull her from the lyrical class. I have mixed feelings. I know she can do it and would like it if she tries it. OTOH, I don't want her just standing there holding the wall up. And of course, we are paying for it for nothing at this point. I know that a lyrical class is not a big deal in the scheme of things. But, it's just one more thing she is missing out on because of this lack of self-confidence. I wonder, though, if she did the class, would it build her confidence? Does that make sense? If you have had a child like this, what would you do in this situation?

 

Can anyone help me? I feel like crap. It hurts to be told your child lacks self-confidence when you work hard to make sure they know how special they are. I want her to be successful, and I don't want her to spend her life not believing in herself. I hope I don't sound overly dramatic here. I'm not acting that way irl, but I do have to figure this out. I would love btdt advice.

 

Please be gentle with me. I'm sad.

 

I personally would pull her and give her another year. If she had nothing else, I might lean another way but since she's in ballet and excels, I would hope that would bolster her self-confidence enough in the coming year to make her more willing to try lyrical next year.

 

At DS8's swimming lessons this year, he was pulled aside by the teacher as the best in the pool. He is very proud of how well he swims. But when it comes to trying out for the local swim team, he is too nervous to do it right now. I'm letting it go for now. I'm hoping that at some point, his love for swimming will grow larger than his fear of trying out. I'm thinking maybe when the Olympics roll around in August.

 

:grouphug:

Edited October 13, 2011 by Alte Veste Academy

[PeacefulChaos]

Well, I don't have any answers for you either, but I'm definitely :bigear: on this one!

Your situation sounds kind of similar to ours with DS7. He last did soccer last fall, and we finished out the season but by the end he was off and on having a hard time with it. If people cheered for him (normal stuff, like 'get the ball, ___!' - not in a yelling at him way but the normal way soccer goes) he would get upset and shut down sometimes. So he took a season off of soccer, then did swimming this summer and did great. This fall he chose karate - but the 1st lesson, he wouldn't participate because he messed up a little (on something that wasn't a big deal, and no one expected him to know anyway!); 2nd lesson, he got upset when people chuckled at something funny he did, and crouched in the floor upset and not wanting to participate, though he did do a little bit of that lesson; 3rd lesson, he wouldn't participate again. So DH told him that if they left, they weren't coming back. DS7 said ok. I thought he might like it and I really wish he had given it more of a try. It's kind of disheartening because I don't know if this is going to be par for the course with him. I'm guessing he'll find his niche somewhere, but I don't want to keep going through this (repeatedly, with different activities) til we find the right one. It bothers me first and foremost because I really want him to be involved in something outside of church, I think it'll be good for him, and a little bit because I don't like the idea of not sticking with something (I feel like to quit early is just that - quitting. But at the same time it was miserable for all of us involved. So where is the line drawn then? I'm still not convinced we made the correct choice, I guess, because I don't want the kids to think that they can just choose not to do something they've made a commitment to) - or, for that matter, this idea that he gets to get upset (which is a little humiliating, particularly in the case of karate where we didn't know anyone so I felt like people were judging him and us by his behavior. I know it shouldn't matter, but it was a little embarrassing, especially as I was trying to juggle the other two so I couldn't really get up and do anything about it. I felt like it looked like we were terrible people raising selfish and unsocialized :lol: kids who think they can do whatever they want and have no idea how to act in the real world. I vowed never to take him again after that night.)

I require extracurriculars, one per kid per season. DS5 is doing soccer this fall, and DD will start with her first extracurricular next summer with swimming. I just hope we can find something to work out with DS7...

Anyway, sorry for the vent there, but I'm definitely interested to see what people have to say.

Edited October 13, 2011 by PeacefulChaos

[Catwoman]

I feel like crap.

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

Please, please, please don't blame yourself. It is absolutely crystal clear that you love your dd and think she is wonderful, bright, beautiful, and talented. I am sure you have done nothing wrong. We all have different personalities, and if your dd is shy or lacks self-confidence, that's just the way she was made, not the result of anything horrible you did.

 

I wish I had some advice for you, as I'm sure there's a lot you can do to help her become more confident (or at least teach her how to "fake it 'til she makes it,) and I'm sure many other moms here have dealt with the same situation with their own kids and will have some great ideas.

 

But really, you're a great mom, and your dd will turn out just fine. :grouphug:

[AK_Mom4]

:grouphug: That's a tough one for sure!

 

I would not have any problem with sitting her down, however, and giving her the choice - either participate in the class or you will withdraw her so you are not wasting your money. Whether it's stubborness or a lack of self-confidence, sometimes one just has to make a choice.

 

Then - totally support her in HER choice. If she chooses to join in and participate, well good for her. But if she chooses to drop the class, then that's fine. Don't mention "giving up" or "quitting" - just support her. Leave the door open - maybe it will be something she wants to do in the future. She's got time.

 

I think for my DD, sometimes it's about control. She is a bit of a perfectionist and when things don't go exactly the way she has them visualized, then she gets upset and then she won't try. I've learned (finally) not to push, but it's tough.

[Chris in VA]

:grouphug:, first of all.

 

Sometimes it helps me to think thru a situation and make sure it is as I have labeled it. You say the issue is her self-confidence.

Could you take a hard look at it and see if maybe it is something else?

 

Does she like to be in control? Could it be that she felt out of control of the class when she started?

 

Could it be the predictability of the class is different? Does she like structure or "sameness" and not find as much of it in the lyrical class? (For example, maybe ballet starts with a set of exercises/bar work every.single.time and lyrical doesn't...or...whatever.)

 

Could it be something else?

 

If I can relabel a problem sometimes it helps me come up with a solution.

 

:grouphug:again.

[Alte Veste Academy]

I require extracurriculars, one per kid per season. DS5 is doing soccer this fall, and DD will start with her first extracurricular next summer with swimming. I just hope we can find something to work out with DS7...

Anyway, sorry for the vent there, but I'm definitely interested to see what people have to say.

 

:grouphug: to you too.

 

Have you considered an extracurricular that works well for sensitive kids? DS8 goes with DD to a homeschool art class once a week and loves it. She is a socialite and buffers the world for him. She's Little Miss "Hi, I'm _____! This is my brother _____ and this is my brother _____. Do you want to play?" :lol:

 

The absolute best thing for him, however, is music lessons. He is taking piano and guitar but favors guitar. He has one-on-one lessons and the same guy teaches him both instruments. So, he's getting out there, so to speak, but it's perfect for him.

[PeacefulChaos]

:grouphug: to you too.

 

Have you considered an extracurricular that works well for sensitive kids? DS8 goes with DD to a homeschool art class once a week and loves it. She is a socialite and buffers the world for him. She's Little Miss "Hi, I'm _____! This is my brother _____ and this is my brother _____. Do you want to play?" :lol:

 

The absolute best thing for him, however, is music lessons. He is taking piano and guitar but favors guitar. He has one-on-one lessons and the same guy teaches him both instruments. So, he's getting out there, so to speak, but it's perfect for him.

 

I need to look into that sort of thing. We're pretty rural, but there is a community of homeschoolers around here. I just had no real interest in getting to know any of them (I know that sounds terrible!! :lol: I don't mean it quite the way it sounds :lol: ) but I was thinking that maybe something even more individual would be good for him. I had thought karate would be good (being individual!) but I hadn't thought about the class aspect of it so much. :) He did like swimming, I think that was part of the reason.

He does take piano lessons, but...I'm his teacher :D ...so not really 'getting out there' in that case. I know as he gets older he will probably be involved in more. He talked about guitar lessons, but once he heard who would be teaching him, he said no way, I'll stick with piano. Or he just wanted me to teach him guitar (which...yeah, I know like 5 chords on guitar, so that wouldn't really work! :) )

[LibraryLover]

Might she like something more private? Piano or art lessons? Track? She doesn't have to be a group person. My oldest dd is not one to get in a circle and talk about her feelings. She does have a n outlet for that-- her art and her family etc.

 

WHat about a private dance class?

[Colleen in NS]

If you have had a child like this, what would you do in this situation?

 

I wouldn't even worry about "lack of self-confidence" for an eight year old. I wouldn't even call standing by the wall during lyrical class "lack of self-confidence" - I'd call that quite confident, actually. She's confident she doesn't want to be the object of attention AGAIN and have to answer "tell us about yourself." But maybe she cries because she just doesn't know how to articulate that at eight years old.

 

I'll bet, with your description of her being stubborn as opposed to being unconfident, that trying to make her do the class will only serve to make HER think that she lacks confidence. I wouldn't make this class a hill to die on. There'll be plenty of other opportunities in her life to build her confidence (such as when she masters each math concept she encounters that you hold your ground with? ;)).

 

Stay confident, yourself, Nakia, in your mothering instincts and ability. Don't think that every "problem" is because of a failure on your part. Sometimes "problems" are not problems at all, but just character traits - look for the positives about these traits and make the most of the positives.

[LibraryLover]

So it's the 8 year old? I missed that.

 

Hell's Bells, set her free. She doesn't need to sit around in a circle and talk about herself in a dance class.

 

Maybe when she is 10 she will, or maybe she never will. Each child is different and that is *fine*.

 

I can't think of a single classical literary heroine who had to take lyrical dance classes.

[justamouse]

UGh, DD 16 is that child. :grouphug: I SOOO know.

 

I wouldn't pull her from the class. I did that a few times with Dd and it made it worse --BUT only you know what's too much for your own Dd--because from then on she wanted me to pull her out as soon as it got uncomfortable. Nightmare.

 

And, her father and I are NOT lacking in any self confidence. So this child--where did she come from?

 

It's taken a while, it's taken me letting her fall on her keister (which was *horrible* to watch, believe me) but now, at 16, she's doing great. But she worked up to it. And, I would say that is is the first year where she's really starting to walk in her own skin as to what she can push herself to do.

[Nakia]

I really appreciate all your advice, btdt, and hugs. The different perspectives are one reason why I love it here so much. I do want to answer/respond to some of your posts.

 

Chris, I think your suggestion that maybe she likes ballet because of the structure is quite likely. She very much thrives in a structured environment. I think the fact that she KNOWS what to expect is really good for her, as opposed to lyrical where it's more...I don't know the word, but you know, less structured, lol.

 

I have encouraged her to try a one-on-one class/lesson, such as a music lesson or horseback riding (my oldest dd takes that). But she honestly just adores ballet. So I really want to keep her where she is happy.

 

Justamouse, it's great to know someone survived a kid like this, lol. It is so hard to know when to let it go and when to push!

 

Thank you so much for the hugs and encouragement, especially Colleen and Cat. Your words mean so much. :001_smile:

 

I know my girl's personality isn't an accident, and she is amazing. She is just soooooo different from my other girls, and of course, that's fine. She is such a sweet girl.

 

If anyone feels led to pray for us, please do. Being a mom is hard work, as you all know.