Did your husband ask your father if he could ask for your hand in marriage?

[Aggie]

My hubby didn't even ask me for my hand in marriage. Somehow, we just ended up married.

 

:lol::lol: That kind of goes along with your name, doesn't it?:D

[Nestof3]

Yes. He was 39 and I was 26. It will be 13 years on Monday.

 

He then took me out to dinner and to see Swan Lake Ballet.

[Nestof3]

Great post!

 

I asked, as a matter of courtesy and respect for the man who did such a magnificent job of raising my wife.

 

Truth be told the answer may have been irrelevant but courtesy is never irrelevant.

 

As to my children, I would expect to be asked.

 

If a potential son in law decided to disregard tradition, demonstrate limited to no respect (in my eyes) for my role; so be it. At that point I could no more answer for my daughter than I can make the sun stop.

 

Of course were he to show such disdain for my values and traditions I would feel no obligation to uphold other minor traditions.....such as being financially responsible for the wedding!

[Nestof3]

I would like to add that I think it would be great to modify that tradition by asking both parents. ;)

[FaithManor]

I asked, as a matter of courtesy and respect for the man who did such a magnificent job of raising my wife.

 

Truth be told the answer may have been irrelevant but courtesy is never irrelevant.

 

As to my children, I would expect to be asked.

 

If a potential son in law decided to disregard tradition, demonstrate limited to no respect (in my eyes) for my role; so be it. At that point I could no more answer for my daughter than I can make the sun stop.

 

Of course were he to show such disdain for my values and traditions I would feel no obligation to uphold other minor traditions.....such as being financially responsible for the wedding!

 

 

Can I ask why it is not important to acknowledge the mother's role in raising such an upstanding human being, especially as mothers tend to do much more of the day to day care that leads to character development? Also, why not the sons? Why is it that parents are only supposed to be honored for having raised nice girls and not nice boys? Why doesn't the girl go to speak to her future in-laws as a way of honoring or respecting them for raising such a good boy?

 

I find the one-sideness of the whole thing so strong, that I cannot help but believe that it still stems from "daughters are property and cannot speak for themselves", but sons are so obviously better based on their plumbing, that they can operate independently.

 

I'm not trying to be difficult. But, the double standard is just glaring and yet so many people do not have a problem with that. Why? I am the mother of three lovely boys and I am curious as to why there is soooooo much emphasis on the father of a daughter being "respected", the mother apparently nothing more than an oven because she isn't even mentioned in this "respecting" process, and the boy just don't matter enough in the culture of "asking for the hand, permission, blessing, whatever" to care that anyone honor his father much less his mother. Specifically, the double standard especially exists if one would not be willing to be financially responsible for the traditions of whatever the bride's parents pay, but would be willing to be financially responsible for the their son's "groom's" expenses though the young lady in question never came to ask for a blessing to marry the son.

 

I have yet to hear a logical explanation for this which leads me to believe that though most people do not want to admit it, they still view daughters as property of their fathers and the permission/blessing thing is still to acknowledge a property transfer arrangement. I know I don't see my daughter as a piece of land that I need to transfer the title of to the buyer.

Additionally, I have three lovely sons and care every bit as much about their futures and who they marry as my daughter. Apparently, within the context of this tradition, this is not of concern.

 

Then there is the whole issue of the mother getting no respect at all in most of the discussion. She births them, does the lion's share of the raising in most cases of traditional marriage, and then well, no respect in the whole thing. That's pretty rude!

 

I am truly curious. It is a one-sided, anthropological cunundrum and since I'm surrounded by largely conservative friends who like the tradition, I'd love to be presented with a logical argument in support of it that does not demean the girl, the mothers, or excuse the sons from the same treatment.

 

Faith

Edited October 8, 2011 by FaithManor

[T'smom]

Can I ask why it is not important to acknowledge the mother's role in raising such an upstanding human being, especially as mothers tend to do much more of the day to day care that leads to character development? Also, why not the sons? Why is it that parents are only supposed to be honored for having raised nice girls and not nice boys? Why doesn't the girl go to speak to her future in-laws as a way of honoring or respecting them for raising such a good boy?

 

I find the one-sideness of the whole thing so strong, that I cannot help but believe that it still stems from "daughters are property and cannot speak for themselves", but sons are so obviously better based on their plumbing, that they can operate independently.

 

I'm not trying to be difficult. But, the double standard is just glaring and yet so many people do not have a problem with that. Why? I am the mother of three lovely boys and I am curious as to why there is soooooo much emphasis on the father of a daughter being "respected", the mother apparently nothing more than an oven because she isn't even mentioned in this "respecting" process, and the boy just don't matter enough in the culture of "asking for the hand, permission, blessing, whatever" to care that anyone honor his father much less his mother. Specifically, the double standard especially exists if one would not be willing to be financially responsible for the traditions of whatever the bride's parents pay, but would be willing to be financially responsible for the their son's "groom's" expenses though the young lady in question never came to ask for a blessing to marry the son.

 

I have yet to hear a logical explanation for this which leads me to believe that though most people do not want to admit it, they still view daughter's as property of their fathers and the permission/blessing thing is still to acknowledge a property transfer arrangement. I know I don't see my daughter as a piece of land that I need to transfer the title of to the buyer.

Additionally, I have three lovely sons and care every bit as much about their futures and who they marry as my daughter. Apparently, within the context of this tradition, this is not of concern.

 

Then there is the whole issue of the mother getting no respect at all in most of the discussion. She births them, does the lion's share of the raising in most cases of traditional marriage, and then well, no respect in the whole thing. That's pretty rude!

 

I am truly curious. It is a one-sided, anthropological cunundrum and since I'm surrounded by largely conservative friends who like the tradition, I'd love to be presented with a logical argument in support of it that does not demean the girl, the mothers, or excuse the sons from the same treatment.

 

Faith

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree: I agree with this soooo strongly. But you said it so much more eloquently that I would have been able to.

[5knights3maidens]

Yes, my dh did, we were married in 1983. My ds asked his wife's father also.

They were married a little over 2 years ago. :001_smile:

[8circles]

Can I ask why it is not important to acknowledge the mother's role in raising such an upstanding human being, especially as mothers tend to do much more of the day to day care that leads to character development? Also, why not the sons? Why is it that parents are only supposed to be honored for having raised nice girls and not nice boys? Why doesn't the girl go to speak to her future in-laws as a way of honoring or respecting them for raising such a good boy?

 

I find the one-sideness of the whole thing so strong, that I cannot help but believe that it still stems from "daughters are property and cannot speak for themselves", but sons are so obviously better based on their plumbing, that they can operate independently.

 

I'm not trying to be difficult. But, the double standard is just glaring and yet so many people do not have a problem with that. Why? I am the mother of three lovely boys and I am curious as to why there is soooooo much emphasis on the father of a daughter being "respected", the mother apparently nothing more than an oven because she isn't even mentioned in this "respecting" process, and the boy just don't matter enough in the culture of "asking for the hand, permission, blessing, whatever" to care that anyone honor his father much less his mother. Specifically, the double standard especially exists if one would not be willing to be financially responsible for the traditions of whatever the bride's parents pay, but would be willing to be financially responsible for the their son's "groom's" expenses though the young lady in question never came to ask for a blessing to marry the son.

 

I have yet to hear a logical explanation for this which leads me to believe that though most people do not want to admit it, they still view daughters as property of their fathers and the permission/blessing thing is still to acknowledge a property transfer arrangement. I know I don't see my daughter as a piece of land that I need to transfer the title of to the buyer.

Additionally, I have three lovely sons and care every bit as much about their futures and who they marry as my daughter. Apparently, within the context of this tradition, this is not of concern.

 

Then there is the whole issue of the mother getting no respect at all in most of the discussion. She births them, does the lion's share of the raising in most cases of traditional marriage, and then well, no respect in the whole thing. That's pretty rude!

 

I am truly curious. It is a one-sided, anthropological cunundrum and since I'm surrounded by largely conservative friends who like the tradition, I'd love to be presented with a logical argument in support of it that does not demean the girl, the mothers, or excuse the sons from the same treatment.

 

Faith

 

Exactly. I understand wanting to show respect for parents - that's a no-brainer with some really bad parent exceptions. But the explanations just don't make sense if the goal is to show respect, they only make sense if women are property. Nobody even seems to want to try to explain it.

[Nestof3]

Faith, that is why I said what I did. As for my sons, I am extremely concerned about who they choose for their life partner. I would hope that they would consult us before seriously considering marriage. The way I see it, she had better be worthy of him, and he likewise.

 

I don't see any of it as property-related, but I agree that it used to be thus.

 

Can I ask why it is not important to acknowledge the mother's role in raising such an upstanding human being, especially as mothers tend to do much more of the day to day care that leads to character development? Also, why not the sons? Why is it that parents are only supposed to be honored for having raised nice girls and not nice boys? Why doesn't the girl go to speak to her future in-laws as a way of honoring or respecting them for raising such a good boy?

 

I find the one-sideness of the whole thing so strong, that I cannot help but believe that it still stems from "daughters are property and cannot speak for themselves", but sons are so obviously better based on their plumbing, that they can operate independently.

 

I'm not trying to be difficult. But, the double standard is just glaring and yet so many people do not have a problem with that. Why? I am the mother of three lovely boys and I am curious as to why there is soooooo much emphasis on the father of a daughter being "respected", the mother apparently nothing more than an oven because she isn't even mentioned in this "respecting" process, and the boy just don't matter enough in the culture of "asking for the hand, permission, blessing, whatever" to care that anyone honor his father much less his mother. Specifically, the double standard especially exists if one would not be willing to be financially responsible for the traditions of whatever the bride's parents pay, but would be willing to be financially responsible for the their son's "groom's" expenses though the young lady in question never came to ask for a blessing to marry the son.

 

I have yet to hear a logical explanation for this which leads me to believe that though most people do not want to admit it, they still view daughters as property of their fathers and the permission/blessing thing is still to acknowledge a property transfer arrangement. I know I don't see my daughter as a piece of land that I need to transfer the title of to the buyer.

Additionally, I have three lovely sons and care every bit as much about their futures and who they marry as my daughter. Apparently, within the context of this tradition, this is not of concern.

 

Then there is the whole issue of the mother getting no respect at all in most of the discussion. She births them, does the lion's share of the raising in most cases of traditional marriage, and then well, no respect in the whole thing. That's pretty rude!

 

I am truly curious. It is a one-sided, anthropological cunundrum and since I'm surrounded by largely conservative friends who like the tradition, I'd love to be presented with a logical argument in support of it that does not demean the girl, the mothers, or excuse the sons from the same treatment.

 

Faith

[cin]

 

It is not about "respect for the father". I and I alone make adult decisions in my life. To ask him for permission.......appalling!

 

To YOU. For some, it IS about respect for the father. If my DH hadn't asked my father, I would have asked my parents beforehand. Just as we asked our parents for advice on other things. We've always respected the opinions of people who had more experience about an issues than we did. I don't see myself as a super strong person who knows everything.

[annandatje]

.. I'm down on wives as chattel and I loathe romance. Ugh, gack, puke, puke...And now, after dealing with I don't know how many women who are on the verge of hospitalization due to emotional (and often financial) or physical trauma after a Really Romantic Guy turned into a monster of violence or selfishness or lying once married, I find romantic men terrifying. Or, as one friend put it, "the sweeter the come-on, the faster they are out the door."

 

:iagree: I have always been suspicious of pet names, sweepingly dramatic overt romantic gestures, etc, particularly when there is not sufficient basis (or time) for those feelings to have evolved past infatuation. Far too many women fail to ask themselves logical questions and simply eat up the fawning b.s. Of course, the b.s. flows in the female to male direction too.

[cathmom]

Then there is the whole issue of the mother getting no respect at all in most of the discussion. She births them, does the lion's share of the raising in most cases of traditional marriage, and then well, no respect in the whole thing. That's pretty rude!

 

 

Which is why I had both my parents walk me down the aisle. There is no "giving away" in a Catholic wedding, though, so that doesn't apply.

[kolamum]

I said yes, which is true.. but dh had all ready asked me to marry him first. ;)

[JulieH]

I voted "no". Dh asked me to marry him. Good thing because my father was a jerk at the time and probably would have said "no". :lol:(our relationship has since mended)

 

I think it's sweet and I know my dh, while he doesn't feel it's necessary for a man to ask him for our daughter's hand in marriage, would feel honored if he made the gesture.

 

I think it's more of a respect thing. These days, I also think it's nice if the man talks to *both* parents and asks their blessing.

[ThatCyndiGirl]

To YOU. For some, it IS about respect for the father. If my DH hadn't asked my father, I would have asked my parents beforehand. Just as we asked our parents for advice on other things. We've always respected the opinions of people who had more experience about an issues than we did. I don't see myself as a super strong person who knows everything.

 

 

It's not either/or. Either a couple has respect for the father or they think they know it all. :001_rolleyes: Many who agree with you have said that it was just a formality to show their respect for the fathers. It sounds hypocritical to me if the answer from the dad doesn't really matter and what about the moms? Why doesn't anyone care what mom says or about her blessing? I know some ask both, but people keep saying father over and over as if that is the only person who matters.

 

I respect that others think differently and that they are happy with how it all played out for them. I still think that showing faux respect ("We are asking for your blessing or permission, but only as a formality, nod to tradition because we have already made up our minds ourselves") is hypocritical. Why do it if it means nothing to the decision? :confused:

 

I fail to see how that is parent-honouring to enter into some false arrangment, this dance in which your fiance has to ask a question that doesn't really matter. If that makes YOU feel honoured, though, that is okay with me. I'm not trying to change your mind, just understand that disconnect.

[JumpedIntoTheDeepEndFirst]

Can I ask why it is not important to acknowledge the mother's role in raising such an upstanding human being, especially as mothers tend to do much more of the day to day care that leads to character development? Also, why not the sons? Why is it that parents are only supposed to be honored for having raised nice girls and not nice boys? Why doesn't the girl go to speak to her future in-laws as a way of honoring or respecting them for raising such a good boy?

 

If it were the girl who was doing the proposing then perhaps that would be appropriate. In most cases where there is a formal proposal and not a mutual agreement it is the man who asks the woman to marry him. Why do girls get the engagement rings instead of boys? And, in many cases there is a point at which a man brings home his intended and if she doesn't pass muster his parents might voice their disapproval.

 

I find the one-sideness of the whole thing so strong, that I cannot help but believe that it still stems from "daughters are property and cannot speak for themselves", but sons are so obviously better based on their plumbing, that they can operate independently.

 

Because the yes answerers on this board actually had no opinion or vote on if they wished to get married? They could have said no but their father would have made them? Hardly a common occurrence in the US these days. How many would have said yes no matter what their parents' opinion was?

 

I'm not trying to be difficult. But, the double standard is just glaring and yet so many people do not have a problem with that. Why? I am the mother of three lovely boys and I am curious as to why there is soooooo much emphasis on the father of a daughter being "respected", the mother apparently nothing more than an oven because she isn't even mentioned in this "respecting" process, and the boy just don't matter enough in the culture of "asking for the hand, permission, blessing, whatever" to care that anyone honor his father much less his mother. Specifically, the double standard especially exists if one would not be willing to be financially responsible for the traditions of whatever the bride's parents pay, but would be willing to be financially responsible for the their son's "groom's" expenses though the young lady in question never came to ask for a blessing to marry the son.

 

I don't consider myself to have been anyone's property nor do I consider my daughter property. As the mother of two boys I hope that they will bring home their intended to seek opinion as much as I hope my daughter brings home her intended. I think that I will feel pleased with my work as a mother if my children are accepted and cared for members of their in-laws families. I feel secure enough in my position in my children's lives that I don't need to alter a tradition to accommodate my sense of self worth. I am also realistic enough about marriage to know that my husband won't approve or disapprove or bless or not bless our daughter's engagement without my knowing about it. Were I for some reason to not approve of my children's plans I wouldn't fund them-gender has no bearing on it.

 

I have yet to hear a logical explanation for this which leads me to believe that though most people do not want to admit it, they still view daughters as property of their fathers and the permission/blessing thing is still to acknowledge a property transfer arrangement. I know I don't see my daughter as a piece of land that I need to transfer the title of to the buyer.

Additionally, I have three lovely sons and care every bit as much about their futures and who they marry as my daughter. Apparently, within the context of this tradition, this is not of concern.

 

It is quite a leap that no matter how many people say it you refuse to believe that folks have a tradition that may have been about property once is now just a tradition that shows respect for those involved. I certainly resent the implication that either I or the most important men in my life view woman as property just because my husband and father spoke before we became engaged. I certainly care about who my sons marry, following a tradition like this doesn't exclude that possibility.

 

Then there is the whole issue of the mother getting no respect at all in most of the discussion. She births them, does the lion's share of the raising in most cases of traditional marriage, and then well, no respect in the whole thing. That's pretty rude!

 

Welcome to parenthood. How often do kids actually say thank you for all you do? They rarely realize until they are parents themselves. I didn't become a mother in anticipation of a reward or prize. I do know that my daughter and my sons love and respect me and I hope that when they become adults they will expect their prospective spouse to show me the same respect. If they didn't that might be a warning bell to all of us.

 

I am truly curious. It is a one-sided, anthropological cunundrum and since I'm surrounded by largely conservative friends who like the tradition, I'd love to be presented with a logical argument in support of it that does not demean the girl, the mothers, or excuse the sons from the same treatment.

 

Tradition rarely is based on logic these days but rather on emotion or qualities such as respect or honor. While once this tradition served a practical purpose-the financial uniting of two families-now it is primarily about love and respect. It may be anachronistic but it is done of love and respect not out of a need to demean and minimize a woman's importance-what ever her stage of life-child, bride, or mother. Sure, not every family will fit the roles perfectly, times change, today we have grown adults who don't seek parental approval, single parent families, dysfunctional families etc. Not everyone feels the need to follow this tradition. However, to assume that those who do are somehow all patriarchal, juvenile, misogynistic, or incapable of behaving as grown adults is ridiculous. I remain amazed at the vitriol reserved for those who followed these traditions.

 

Faith

 

I remain amazed at the vitriol reserved for those who followed these traditions.

[TranquilMind]

Just curious how often this is still done. My husband did not. We got serious and engaged while my parents were in Africa and there was little in the way of communication other than letters back then. They didn't have phones where they were that worked very well at all.

 

So, we were engaged and planned the wedding around their furlough so they could be there.

 

My father would have approved anyway......

 

No, he was long dead.

 

And it wouldn't have been something we would have done anyway, given our older ages, and in our specific circumstances.