thoroughly fed up with toddler meal-time battles

[caedmyn]

I am so sick of spending every.single.meal battling my extremely-strong-willed almost 3 YO. It doesn't really seem to matter what it is, he just wants to take forever to eat, get out of his seat 35 times, drop his fork/spoon on the floor 18 times, stab the table with his fork, and generally do anything and everything he can other than eat. This kid is NOT a picky eater--in fact he's totally the opposite. This is a kid who will try a jalapeno THREE times before decide that it is too hot for him (until the next time he sees one when he'll try it three more times).

 

Just letting him get down and eat something else later is really not an option. Everybody has a bunch of food intolerances and there are very few foods everybody can eat, so I'm limited on what I can serve and I am not going to try to cater to whatever he happens to feel most like eating at the moment (most likely something no one else can eat). Even if I did let him get down and offered him fruits or vegetables later, he's pretty much limited to one fruit (pears) which he won't eat regularly, and let face it, vegetables just don't fill a toddler up. At least not my toddler who eats like a teenager. I *might* consider letting him get down if his behavior when he doesn't get enough to eat wasn't so awful, but if he doesn't eat enough he's whiny, crabby, defiant, and very, very naughty.

 

What options are out there for ending the meal time battles other than just letting him get down?

[Tigger]

Give him a time out until he's ready to come sit at the table and eat his meal. In the corner, facing the wall or a chair off to the side of the room. After a few minutes, ask if he's ready to join you - if not, he stays there until he's ready to sit and share the meal with everyone. If he's not ready by the time the meal is over, he'll survive not eating a meal (unless he's diabetic) and can wait until the next meal and try again. Eventually he will get hungry and will sit to eat his meal with you all - it's just a matter of waiting for him to connect the dots and do it!

[SKL]

Well, you might tell him that since he does not want to share a meal with the family in the proper way, he does not get to eat with the family, until he decides to behave at the table. He can eat immediately before or after everyone else (same food), or at a separate table.

 

Frankly, if he's sitting at a meal, I would not let him get down until he's finished eating (except maybe for one trip to the restroom).

 

I do have a picky eater, but I have never allowed her to leave a meal and then expect to eat something later. If you're done, you're done (until tomorrow's breakfast). But I did notice that she was/is overwhelmed if her plate has a lot of food on it. So I serve small amounts or, better yet, buffet style when practical. She can always ask for more if she's still hungry.

[Unicorn.]

He has to sit at the table while everyone is eating, even if he is not. If he hasn't finished, but is activiely eating when everyone else is done, then he can stay and finish. However, at that point, if he gets up, he is done. Period. If he hasn't started eating yet, too bad. He is done. Eventually he will get it. If he throws a tantrum about it, he can then go to his room, maybe for a nap.

[Ellie]

My younger dd tried that when she was between 2 and 3. We took the no-mercy route: when you get down from the table, you're finished, and there will be no more food until the next meal.

 

We only had to do that a couple of times.

 

If she had dawdled, I'd have allowed her to dawdle until everyone else had finished, and then she'd have been finished, too...no food until the next meal.

[Danestress]

I would just not let him get up. Period. But I would only expect him to sit at the table for 5 - 10 minutes or so. So I would try to get him to eat a decent amount of food in those ten minutes, and I would schedule a snack for a little later.

 

I think you have to pick one battle at a time. I would first pick the "getting up from the table 35 times" battle. I would let him know what once he's up from the table, there is no more dinner for him, and he will have to wait until a certain time (maybe an hour or two later) when pears and cheese will be served.

 

I would work on the "must sit" during dinner thing for a few weeks, and set the standard that everyone stays in his or her seat during dinner. The first week, I would serve things that are good bets he will like. I would try to make meal time really pleasant. But I would keep his dinner very short. Gradually I would increase the time I expect him to sit there from 10 minutes to maybe 20. During that time I would try not to worry about how much he is eating. Schedule a snack for later. I know you don't want to, but one battle at a time. I might have a dessert for dinner, but he has to stay in his seat in order to have it.

 

Then over time, once he's sitting for longer meals, I would push the "snack" time out later and later and try to get him to eat more of a meals worth of food while sitting.

 

I do think it is very normal for a kid that age to have trouble sitting, to be picky about food, and to want to eat every couple of hours.

[5LittleMonkeys]

I kept mine in a highchair and then moved them to a toddler seat that had a belt attachment until they were able to sit for a meal without wiggling and getting up (Some of them graduated to a normal chair at 3 and some it took until almost 4. The rule is if you get up you forfeit your right to eat your meal and you don't eat again until the next meal. However, toddlers and preK are wiggly and spontaneous so I felt they needed the extra help of being contained. Anytime that they had a relapse of memory I would pull out the toddler seat. As a matter of fact I recently used a belt to strap dd8 to her chair during dinner. She would sit sideways, on one knee, bounce around next to her chair...I got tired of saying sit down during dinner. It only took one mealtime of having to be attached to her chair to help her remember the rule.

 

If they became extremely disruptive during dinner then they would be put into a time out until they could return and be quite. My 2yo is still in a highchair right now and when she starts screaming or tossing food I take away everything and wheel her into the hallway (right in front of the dining room) and face her the opposite way. Once she is quiet I bring her back and try again. She is being disruptive less and less and is learning to sit during the meal, even when she is finished eating.

[justamouse]

I think they way toddlers eat is their greatest gift to being slim the rest of their lives.

 

They really ONLY know hungry, and stop as soon they're full. they don't overeat.

 

Please, don't MAKE him sit and eat. he will when he gets older. if he wants two bites, let him have it and then let him run. Just wrap up the food and let him nosh on it the next time he asks. Stop making it a battle, it doesn't have to be. My Dr told me when I complained that my toddlers weren't eating, "They won't starve themselves." He was right.

 

Eventually he will sit and eat a meal with you, I promise.

 

All of mine sit at the table, now, and we have great meals. We go out to eat, they have excellent manners, they eat politely. Really. Making him sit now and ruining all these meals and getting in a battle of wills will not accomplish any of that faster than just letting him be and eating when he wants.

Edited October 6, 2011 by justamouse

[laundrycrisis]

I would not force a toddler to sit at a meal. However I did stop offering food at any times other than mealtime and bedtime.

[BarbecueMom]

I'll be the freak and say something different.

 

I have never made my kids sit still and eat perfectly as toddlers. I would only draw the line with food throwing or doing damage to furniture. DH and I sit down and eat our meal in a civilized manner (both because we want to and because it models the behavior we want). My 9 year old no longer bounces and gets up a 100 times. He can sit and eat in the way we want him to. My 6 year old's craziness has tapered off significantly and he only occasionally gets up. They both use their utensils properly. There is no food throwing or fork stabbing.

 

I just wonder if trying so hard to break them down is necessary. Not to mention "I" want to enjoy my meal. I've been with my kids 24-7 since they were born (minus some rare trips away). I can't live in a constant state of aggravation. So I sometimes ignore those parts. They corrected themselves.

 

:iagree: Mine get up and down, and we don't fight them on it. They see US getting up and down a lot during meals - drink refills, turn off a burner, answer a phone, open a window, get ketchup, grab more napkins, etc. They also eat much slower than the adults. DH and I don't sit for more than 5-10 minutes, so I can get a jump on loading the dishwasher and DH can stretch his back before the kids get done. He cannot sit in a chair much longer than that anyway. I take away utensils that are weapons, but if they drop/pick up a fork 20 times? Their problem.

 

Not giving afternoon snacks and drinks also helps them feel hungrier when dinner rolls around. For lunch, I often make communal plates of finger foods. They hurry a bit more when they are competing for food.

 

The only thing I ask is that they don't leave the kitchen with messy faces and hands.

[azmomx3]

He has to sit at the table while everyone is eating, even if he is not. If he hasn't finished, but is activiely eating when everyone else is done, then he can stay and finish. However, at that point, if he gets up, he is done. Period. If he hasn't started eating yet, too bad. He is done. Eventually he will get it. If he throws a tantrum about it, he can then go to his room, maybe for a nap.

:iagree: You'll probably suffer for a week or so but after that he'll get it that you're serious.

[Ginevra]

My younger dd tried that when she was between 2 and 3. We took the no-mercy route: when you get down from the table, you're finished, and there will be no more food until the next meal.

 

We only had to do that a couple of times.

 

 

:iagree: This is what we did. If you threw food or utensils, your meal was over. If you left the table (unless a potty emergency), your meal was over. If you dawdled, Mom set the timer; when it rang, your meal was over. I never, ever made special food or allowed them to have a particular thing later. They can eat at the next meal.

 

I never had any lasting mealtime issues. I credit my no-mercy stance. :D

[duckens]

I agree with the posters that point out that it is not in the nature of toddlers to sit for ANYTHING!

 

This has worked for me with kids that take forever to eat. I don't know if it will work with your toddler.

 

You need a stack of picture books from the library or your bookshelves.

 

When you are done eating, sit with your kids (who are still eating) and read to them. Hold up two books, and let your 5yo pick which one to read. The 3yo gets to pick the next book (out of a choice of two). Then you get to choose a book. Repeat. If, during the child's turn, the child is insistent on a specific book different from the two you are holding up, read the book your child requests. It's not worth the battle.

 

Every time you need to turn the page, pause and remind everyone that it is time to take one bite. If you notice everyone chewing throughout your reading of that page, then don't sweat it. If the kids have NOT had a bite within the last page or two, pause until everyone takes a bite before you turn the page.

 

I don't know if this will work for your family or not, but I hope you find what works for you.

[Tangerine]

I agree with the posters that point out that it is not in the nature of toddlers to sit for ANYTHING!

 

This has worked for me with kids that take forever to eat. I don't know if it will work with your toddler.

 

You need a stack of picture books from the library or your bookshelves.

 

When you are done eating, sit with your kids (who are still eating) and read to them. Hold up two books, and let your 5yo pick which one to read. The 3yo gets to pick the next book (out of a choice of two). Then you get to choose a book. Repeat. If, during the child's turn, the child is insistent on a specific book different from the two you are holding up, read the book your child requests. It's not worth the battle.

 

Every time you need to turn the page, pause and remind everyone that it is time to take one bite. If you notice everyone chewing throughout your reading of that page, then don't sweat it. If the kids have NOT had a bite within the last page or two, pause until everyone takes a bite before you turn the page.

 

I don't know if this will work for your family or not, but I hope you find what works for you.

 

I love this kind of advice. :001_wub: I admire moms who can turn a potential power struggle into something nice.

[Pretty in Pink]

If he were hungry he would be eating. That's my opinion. I've never known a hungry toddler to refuse food unless they just don't like the food. If he's not hungry then let him get up. I would choose to let this battle go if I were you.

 

If you feel that you can't let it go then put him back in a high chair so that he can't get up and down.

[AK_Mom4]

Pick one thing to work on at a time. That list of naughtiness overwhelms me and I am just reading it. It must be miserable for you.

 

I can (and do) tolerate the slow eaters - we have a couple of kids who eat really slow. In my house, it would be the disruptive behavior - stabbing forks or overturning plates that would get dealt with first. Misuse the fork -lose the fork. Throw a fit - leave the table.

 

Maybe just start small and work your way up to the jumping up and down all the time.

[caedmyn]

If he were hungry he would be eating. That's my opinion. I've never known a hungry toddler to refuse food unless they just don't like the food. If he's not hungry then let him get up. I would choose to let this battle go if I were you.

 

If you feel that you can't let it go then put him back in a high chair so that he can't get up and down.

 

It is totally NOT about him not being hungry though. It's really just a power struggle. Like today at lunch, after 15 minutes of him wailing about how hungry he was while I made lunch (and I could tell by his behavior before that that he really needed to eat), he just wouldn't eat his food. After 15 minutes I gave up and put him to bed. He screamed his head off down there for 15 minutes and then came upstairs and said he was hungry...so I told him to sit in his seat and eat his food and it was gone in 10 minutes (probably helped that DH came home and told him to EAT!). Everything is a power struggle with him...as long as he thinks there's the slightest chance he can win, he's going to fight.

[laundrycrisis]

I am so sick of spending every.single.meal battling my extremely-strong-willed almost 3 YO. It doesn't really seem to matter what it is, he just wants to take forever to eat, get out of his seat 35 times, drop his fork/spoon on the floor 18 times, stab the table with his fork, and generally do anything and everything he can other than eat.

 

Pick one thing to work on at a time. That list of naughtiness overwhelms me and I am just reading it. It must be miserable for you.

 

:001_huh: List of naughtiness ?

 

Really, IMO this is perfectly normal behavior for a very young kid who is being made to sit at a table when he is not interested in being there. I would not make it into more than it is by over-reacting to it.

 

If he is hungry, he will eat. Then I would let him get down when he is done.

 

If he is not hungry at mealtimes, I would change his daily routine to only get food at mealtimes.

[caedmyn]

The reading a book thing is a good idea. DD dawdles some too though not nearly as bad as she used to so it might be good for her too.

 

I do need to concentrate on correcting one thing at a time, and steel myself to put up with some screaming & hollering while he learns his lessons. I need to figure out how to develop more patience with him. I have the patience of a gnat. Low patience levels and an intense mom + a very intense toddler = lots of fireworks.

[Ellie]

:iagree:

This is what we did. If you threw food or utensils, your meal was over. If you left the table (unless a potty emergency), your meal was over. If you dawdled, Mom set the timer; when it rang, your meal was over. I never, ever made special food or allowed them to have a particular thing later. They can eat at the next meal.

 

I never had any lasting mealtime issues. I credit my no-mercy stance. :D

::high-fives with Quill::

[SKL]

I try to remind myself:

 

"I will not argue with a child."

 

And also:

 

"I will not beg a child to do what he ought to do."

 

Is there really anything to argue about? Is there any scenario under which it's OK for a 2-3yo to throw food, misuse utensils at the table, etc.? I'm thinking not. So there is nothing to discuss. You're not eating? OK, you're done. Maybe you'll enjoy your breakfast more than you did your supper. Now let the rest of us eat in peace.

[Ginevra]

It is totally NOT about him not being hungry though. It's really just a power struggle. Like today at lunch, after 15 minutes of him wailing about how hungry he was while I made lunch (and I could tell by his behavior before that that he really needed to eat), he just wouldn't eat his food. After 15 minutes I gave up and put him to bed. He screamed his head off down there for 15 minutes and then came upstairs and said he was hungry...so I told him to sit in his seat and eat his food and it was gone in 10 minutes (probably helped that DH came home and told him to EAT!). Everything is a power struggle with him...as long as he thinks there's the slightest chance he can win, he's going to fight.

 

I'm sure it is a power struggle, but one cannot struggle alone.

 

Do you have a set time for lunch? I don't understand "wailing that he was hungry." What is your behavior while he is wailing for lunch? Are you rushing around, hurrying to get the food he's demanding? Because I would not do that. Lunch is as 12:00, give or take 2 minutes. :tongue_smilie: There's no point in wailing, because food will come at lunch time. If he then sat to the food he was just wailing for an refused to eat it, I would say, "You have 10 minutes to finish your lunch. When the timer rings, I am taking away the plate. There will not be another meal or snack until 3:00." And then I would pay him not one second more attention until the timer rang. I would calmly eat my lunch and expect him to eat his. If he threw the food or utensils, I would calmly tell him his meal is over; he can have a snack at 3:00.

 

The timer and the explanation of what is going to happen brings the power back to you. When he fails to eat, you have complete control of the situation by taking the meal away exactly as you said you would. See, right now, he has the upper hand, because he refused to eat, until you gave up, then cried and screamed until you offered the food back again. All the power to refuse or demand the food is being given to him.

 

For a similar reason, I don't think the library book idea is a good one at all. Why should YOU need to go through a song-and-dance in order for your children to eat? You don't! Eating is a natural drive. Where there is no organic disease, such as diabetes, there is no reason for mom to jump through hoops to make eating happen. Offer food at pre-determined times of day and offer it under conditions of reasonable, enjoyable mealtime. If he wants to cause mayhem, he can go hungry until he is hungry enough not to risk it. You have to teach him that you are offering food under *these* conditions and no other.

 

Listen, I have a friend who has four children. She has had mealtime debacles with every single one of them. I will grant you children are all different and yadayadayada, but it's conspicuous to me because I've witnessed their eating many times. Dad or Mom is always hovering over a child, bargaining, playing with, begging and threatening them to eat one more bite. The parents (IMO) have taught each and every child that *they- the parents* must make eating happen. The children have not learned to just simply eat when food is served. I know they even tried spankings over meals at one time, until that particular child started asking for a spanking, instead of having to eat the green beans or bread or whatever.

 

I do not expect it to be a piece of cake while he learns that you now have standards. My kids learned the standards before they were out of high chairs, so there wasn't ever a big debacle where they learned the rules. But - better late than never. I would start now.

[Ginevra]

I try to remind myself:

 

"I will not argue with a child."

 

And also:

 

"I will not beg a child to do what he ought to do."

 

Is there really anything to argue about? Is there any scenario under which it's OK for a 2-3yo to throw food, misuse utensils at the table, etc.? I'm thinking not. So there is nothing to discuss. You're not eating? OK, you're done. Maybe you'll enjoy your breakfast more than you did your supper. Now let the rest of us eat in peace.

 

Wow! You're way more concise than I! :D

[caedmyn]

I'm sure it is a power struggle, but one cannot struggle alone.

 

Do you have a set time for lunch? I don't understand "wailing that he was hungry." What is your behavior while he is wailing for lunch? Are you rushing around, hurrying to get the food he's demanding? Because I would not do that. Lunch is as 12:00, give or take 2 minutes. :tongue_smilie: There's no point in wailing, because food will come at lunch time. If he then sat to the food he was just wailing for an refused to eat it, I would say, "You have 10 minutes to finish your lunch. When the timer rings, I am taking away the plate. There will not be another meal or snack until 3:00." And then I would pay him not one second more attention until the timer rang. I would calmly eat my lunch and expect him to eat his. If he threw the food or utensils, I would calmly tell him his meal is over; he can have a snack at 3:00.

 

The timer and the explanation of what is going to happen brings the power back to you. When he fails to eat, you have complete control of the situation by taking the meal away exactly as you said you would. See, right now, he has the upper hand, because he refused to eat, until you gave up, then cried and screamed until you offered the food back again. All the power to refuse or demand the food is being given to him.

 

For a similar reason, I don't think the library book idea is a good one at all. Why should YOU need to go through a song-and-dance in order for your children to eat? You don't! Eating is a natural drive. Where there is no organic disease, such as diabetes, there is no reason for mom to jump through hoops to make eating happen. Offer food at pre-determined times of day and offer it under conditions of reasonable, enjoyable mealtime. If he wants to cause mayhem, he can go hungry until he is hungry enough not to risk it. You have to teach him that you are offering food under *these* conditions and no other.

 

Listen, I have a friend who has four children. She has had mealtime debacles with every single one of them. I will grant you children are all different and yadayadayada, but it's conspicuous to me because I've witnessed their eating many times. Dad or Mom is always hovering over a child, bargaining, playing with, begging and threatening them to eat one more bite. The parents (IMO) have taught each and every child that *they- the parents* must make eating happen. The children have not learned to just simply eat when food is served. I know they even tried spankings over meals at one time, until that particular child started asking for a spanking, instead of having to eat the green beans or bread or whatever.

 

I do not expect it to be a piece of cake while he learns that you now have standards. My kids learned the standards before they were out of high chairs, so there wasn't ever a big debacle where they learned the rules. But - better late than never. I would start now.

 

You are so totally right. I stress myself out telling him over and over to take a bite because I want him to finish his food.

 

Do you have any advice to offer on potty training? He's been in training pants for a loooong time but continues to have frequent accidents because he flat-out doesn't care. He's perfectly capable of holding it, taking himself potty, and telling me when he has to go...but he rarely bothers.

[Ginevra]

You are so totally right. I stress myself out telling him over and over to take a bite because I want him to finish his food.

 

I wish you luck. Use a timer. Be the boss. :D

 

Do you have any advice to offer on potty training? He's been in training pants for a loooong time but continues to have frequent accidents because he flat-out doesn't care. He's perfectly capable of holding it, taking himself potty, and telling me when he has to go...but he rarely bothers.

 

Heh. :tongue_smilie: No. I stunk at potty training. Food in - no problem. Food out - weeeelllll....

[CalicoKat]

My younger dd tried that when she was between 2 and 3. We took the no-mercy route: when you get down from the table, you're finished, and there will be no more food until the next meal.

 

We only had to do that a couple of times.

 

If she had dawdled, I'd have allowed her to dawdle until everyone else had finished, and then she'd have been finished, too...no food until the next meal.

 

yup, :iagree:I might offer a dessert to the ones who sat through the meal and ate their dinner. :D

 

I sometimes just put a very little on their plates too before everyone else sits down to help it cool off and because they don't sit for long anyway. And then I keep the fruit for, "When you finish your meal or eat some of your meal."