Yolanda in Mass Posted September 13, 2011 Share Posted September 13, 2011 My ds is a freshman 400 miles away from home. His grandmother was diagnosed with terminal cancer about 8 months ago and he saw her health decline rapidly over the last few weeks before he left, so this is not totally unexpected. Sadly, it appears she now has days left. We're torn with: (a) telling him anything at all and just waiting till she passes to tell him, and (b) bringing him home for the funeral when the time comes. He has his plate full with school work and although I'm sure his profs will excuse him, we all know how difficult it is to make up for time lost. Traveling to and from will cost him time, in addition to time spent at home. I know I saw a post about a related matter but I couldn't find it. What are some of your thoughts on this? Yolanda Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
In The Great White North Posted September 13, 2011 Share Posted September 13, 2011 I had a grandparent die while I was in college. I was in NY, home was MI and the grandparent was in PA. They didn't tell me til after the funeral. I was highly upset and thought it totally unfair. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MamaJo Posted September 13, 2011 Share Posted September 13, 2011 I think you need to tell the truth as soon as possible. It will be hard but at least he has a chance to grieve. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
momofkhm Posted September 13, 2011 Share Posted September 13, 2011 I had a grandparent that was given days to live while I was in college. The kind where the doctor says "If someone is going to come, they need to come now." Mom called me to tell me about it. I cried on the phone with her. It was Dad's mom, he went down alone. Out of 4 married children and 9 grandchildren, only the actual children went to see her. (OH! College was 2 hours from home in VA. Grandma was in FL.) Grandma did pull through and only passed about 3 years ago. But I know that mom and dad would have come and picked me up and we would have gone down together. Well, dad probably would have stayed in FL, but mom and I would have driven down together. They probably would have paid plane fair for my brother in GA. (not on the way down) I think you should tell him now and be prepared to get him to the funeral. If he says "I have too much school work", leave it up to him. He can take it with him and do it on the road. I would think college profs would be lenient when he's gone for a funeral. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
regentrude Posted September 13, 2011 Share Posted September 13, 2011 Tell him and give him a chance to decide whether he wants to see her while she is still alive. To me, saying good bye before death would mean much more than attending a funeral. He may still decide just to come for the funeral. But he is an adult and needs to have the opportunity to make this decision. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FloridaLisa Posted September 13, 2011 Share Posted September 13, 2011 Yolanda, You know your son best. But if it was one of my dc, I would definitely tell beforehand, not after the fact. I would have a gentle discussion about all of the possibilities of his attendance at the memorial service: that there are no expectations that he go to the funeral given that he's in the middle of a semester; that he should not feel guilty about not attending; that he was able to see his grandmother while she was alive; that the service is for the grieving and he needs to decide whether attending or not would best help him grieve; and that an airplane ticket is available for him if he chooses to attend. I would try to arrange the memorial service on a weekend, if at all possible. Can you video the service? If he cannot come, it would be nice for him to know that he can watch the video celebrating his grandmother's life after the semester is over or when he is ready. Many blessings to you during this time, Lisa Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AK_Mom4 Posted September 13, 2011 Share Posted September 13, 2011 It's better to tell them sooner than later.... My father passed away unexpectedly earlier this year. I was quite busy with taking care of the arrangements that day, so I asked my DH to contact DS19 at college as soon as DH got home from work and let him know the sad news. Unfortunately, son had already learned of his grandfather's passing via other relatives posting on Facebook and was quite upset. Definitely would have been better to have had time to prepare and much better to have heard about it from mom and dad.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JFSinIL Posted September 13, 2011 Share Posted September 13, 2011 Tell him and give him a chance to decide whether he wants to see her while she is still alive.To me, saying good bye before death would mean much more than attending a funeral. He may still decide just to come for the funeral. But he is an adult and needs to have the opportunity to make this decision. I agree. Treat him like the adult he now is. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iluvmy4blessings Posted September 13, 2011 Share Posted September 13, 2011 I was left in the dark recently b/c no one in the family wanted to upset me. They were going to tell me after they got through the rough patch and everything was ok. Unfortunately, everything was NOT ok and it never was going to be again. I only got the call after it was too late. I know that they did what they thought was best. In fact they honored this person's wishes who did not want me stressed out about it. However, it deeply affected me that I was not given the choice. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QuirkyKapers Posted September 13, 2011 Share Posted September 13, 2011 I would tell him what is going on. Let him decide what to do. You can retake classes if need be becasue the work load is too much but you can't see someone once they have died. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JennyD Posted September 13, 2011 Share Posted September 13, 2011 Absolutely tell him now. And I'm so sorry. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Yolanda in Mass Posted September 13, 2011 Author Share Posted September 13, 2011 Thank you all for your very thoughtful responses. I told my ds about his grandmother's rapidly deteriorating condition just a little while ago. I did gently explain that it was entirely up to him whether to come home for a visit or, more likely, the funeral service. He told me that he will not be able to make it home due to his workload, exams in particular. I told him that we completely supported whatever decision he made and that the funeral service was for the living, not his grandma. He was able to spend time with her right before leaving for school so that is a blessing. She is now unconscious due to heavy medication so two-way communication is no longer possible. We do know, however, that she may be able to hear us. Again, thank you all for responding and providing different perspectives. Grace and peace to all of you, Yolanda Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sebastian (a lady) Posted September 14, 2011 Share Posted September 14, 2011 It's better to tell them sooner than later.... My father passed away unexpectedly earlier this year. I was quite busy with taking care of the arrangements that day, so I asked my DH to contact DS19 at college as soon as DH got home from work and let him know the sad news. Unfortunately, son had already learned of his grandfather's passing via other relatives posting on Facebook and was quite upset. Definitely would have been better to have had time to prepare and much better to have heard about it from mom and dad.... I think it is very much worth remembering that FB has altered the speed at which the family rumor mill operates. And I guess that there is a little bit of golden rule at work here. If you don't want to find out about an engagement or grandchild via FB posts to your kids' friends, then make sure you model that type of communications you prefer. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Leonor Posted September 15, 2011 Share Posted September 15, 2011 Tell him and give him a chance to decide whether he wants to see her while she is still alive.To me, saying good bye before death would mean much more than attending a funeral. He may still decide just to come for the funeral. But he is an adult and needs to have the opportunity to make this decision. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Leonor Posted September 15, 2011 Share Posted September 15, 2011 Thank you all for your very thoughtful responses. I told my ds about his grandmother's rapidly deteriorating condition just a little while ago. I did gently explain that it was entirely up to him whether to come home for a visit or, more likely, the funeral service. He told me that he will not be able to make it home due to his workload, exams in particular. I told him that we completely supported whatever decision he made and that the funeral service was for the living, not his grandma. He was able to spend time with her right before leaving for school so that is a blessing. She is now unconscious due to heavy medication so two-way communication is no longer possible. We do know, however, that she may be able to hear us. Again, thank you all for responding and providing different perspectives. Grace and peace to all of you, Yolanda Peace to you and your family. What a blessing that he was able to spend time with her before. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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