I am tired of monosyllabic answers! getting ds to talk - or should I toughen up?

[Hoggirl]

Warning: vent ahead

 

"Good," "fine," "okay," "nothing," "I don't know," "I'm not sure." These are the answers I get from 14-year-old ds. I want him to share information about his life with me! I don't expect a lot, and I am not trying to pry. I get so frustrated when he is so unwilling to open up about anything! He is pleasant enough, but not open. I want him to open up about little things so that when there are big things he will feel comfortable coming to me (or his dad) and talking! I try to ask open-ended questions, but that doesn't go anywhere either. I don't want him to feel like he is being cross-examined (I am a lawyer), but, honestly, it hurts my feelings that he won't open up much. He isn't like this ALL the time, but probably 75% of the time.

 

Am I being a baby b/c this hurts my feelings. I want him to volunteer information - just give a few details. Share something of his day with me. Should I not let this hurt my feelings? Sometimes I feel like giving it right back to him (not very mature, I realize). But, I get so tired of trying to be pleasant and interested in his life only to be shut out.

 

Thanks for "listening."

[TheReader]

With my 13 (14 at the end of this month) yr old son I find that I do better to just sit down and start chatting about nothing, showing an interest in whatever he's doing, writing him goofy notes during school, etc.

 

If I ask a question, whether open ended or not, he reverts to monosyllabic answers as well. If I comment on the latest cartoon he's drawing, or the nintendo game he's playing, or ask him to explain the game to me, or otherwise show interest in what he's engaged in at that moment, he will sometimes not notice if I then morph over to asking other things and we have actual conversations.

 

I try to talk to him about things when he's busy, as he focuses more on the activity and answers sort of without realizing that's what he's doing. If he's sitting doing nothing and the only thing to occupy his mind are the questions I'm asking, that's when he shuts down. But helping him air up his bike tires, or fold/put away the laundry in his room, or stuff like that kind of frees him up to not feel so self conscious about answering Mom, and plenty of conversations about truly nothing builds the camaraderie needed as a foundation before he's willing to answer the questions about Stuff.

[Unicorn.]

He's a boy. Boys don't like to share. My brother and dh's brother still give one word answers....sometimes they aren't even words....just grunts.

Sometimes driving around in the car, just the two of you, might help. I know my ds opens up a lot more when we are alone, and "doing" something. For some reason, males are better at talking if you aren't looking at them.

[Ria]

It's tough, Cynthia. Part of it is the age, for sure. Try to phrase questions in an open-ended manner rather, for example:

 

What did yo think of the all the rain we got today?

 

rather than

 

It rained a lot today, didn't it?

 

Of course, you are probably doing this already and he's just being a teen. Ugh. I am living with it here, too. :tongue_smilie:

[Pretty in Pink]

Am I being a baby b/c this hurts my feelings.

 

Yes. That's what my dh tells me, anyway. Your ds's behavior is perfectly normal for his age but it doesn't mean it hurts any less. I am having a really hard time adjusting to this age as well. I miss my cuddly, talkative little boy. I am trying to meet him where he is at but I think I fail more than I succeed.

[Lisa R.]

With my 13 (14 at the end of this month) yr old son I find that I do better to just sit down and start chatting about nothing, showing an interest in whatever he's doing, writing him goofy notes during school, etc.

 

If I ask a question, whether open ended or not, he reverts to monosyllabic answers as well. If I comment on the latest cartoon he's drawing, or the nintendo game he's playing, or ask him to explain the game to me, or otherwise show interest in what he's engaged in at that moment, he will sometimes not notice if I then morph over to asking other things and we have actual conversations.

 

I try to talk to him about things when he's busy, as he focuses more on the activity and answers sort of without realizing that's what he's doing. If he's sitting doing nothing and the only thing to occupy his mind are the questions I'm asking, that's when he shuts down. But helping him air up his bike tires, or fold/put away the laundry in his room, or stuff like that kind of frees him up to not feel so self conscious about answering Mom, and plenty of conversations about truly nothing builds the camaraderie needed as a foundation before he's willing to answer the questions about Stuff.

:iagree:

 

This is fantastic advice and beautifully written.

[Sophia]

My 15 y.o. girl is like this.

I have waffled between being offended by her short answers and trying to understand that she's not much of a talker (she really isn't~she much prefers to listen.)

 

I have finally settled on reminding her that regardless of how she feels about conversation, she needs to be polite and one word answers don't cut it.

[Scarlett]

He's a boy. Boys don't like to share. My brother and dh's brother still give one word answers....sometimes they aren't even words....just grunts.

Sometimes driving around in the car, just the two of you, might help. I know my ds opens up a lot more when we are alone, and "doing" something. For some reason, males are better at talking if you aren't looking at them.

 

I think it is more about the age than the gender. My ds11 never stops talking and sharing. My dss14 often gives one word answers....and dh says it is a new thing....

[Scarlett]

With my 13 (14 at the end of this month) yr old son I find that I do better to just sit down and start chatting about nothing, showing an interest in whatever he's doing, writing him goofy notes during school, etc.

 

If I ask a question, whether open ended or not, he reverts to monosyllabic answers as well. If I comment on the latest cartoon he's drawing, or the nintendo game he's playing, or ask him to explain the game to me, or otherwise show interest in what he's engaged in at that moment, he will sometimes not notice if I then morph over to asking other things and we have actual conversations.

 

I try to talk to him about things when he's busy, as he focuses more on the activity and answers sort of without realizing that's what he's doing. If he's sitting doing nothing and the only thing to occupy his mind are the questions I'm asking, that's when he shuts down. But helping him air up his bike tires, or fold/put away the laundry in his room, or stuff like that kind of frees him up to not feel so self conscious about answering Mom, and plenty of conversations about truly nothing builds the camaraderie needed as a foundation before he's willing to answer the questions about Stuff.

 

Great post.

[Parrothead]

 

I try to talk to him about things when he's busy, as he focuses more on the activity and answers sort of without realizing that's what he's doing. If he's sitting doing nothing and the only thing to occupy his mind are the questions I'm asking, that's when he shuts down. But helping him air up his bike tires, or fold/put away the laundry in his room, or stuff like that kind of frees him up to not feel so self conscious about answering Mom, and plenty of conversations about truly nothing builds the camaraderie needed as a foundation before he's willing to answer the questions about Stuff.

I've heard of good results with this kind of "maneuver." (Sorry I can't think of the word I want.)

 

I know of a lady who would play basket ball with her son and they would talk then. A friend of mine takes her 15-year old son for driving practice and they talk while in the car. She has an older son and has said she and the older son often talk while just on an evening walk. He comes home from college now and will ask her to go for a walk with him so he can talk about stuff.

[TheReader]

:iagree:

 

This is fantastic advice and beautifully written.

 

Great post.

 

I've heard of good results with this kind of "maneuver." (Sorry I can't think of the word I want.)

 

I know of a lady who would play basket ball with her son and they would talk then. A friend of mine takes her 15-year old son for driving practice and they talk while in the car. She has an older son and has said she and the older son often talk while just on an evening walk. He comes home from college now and will ask her to go for a walk with him so he can talk about stuff.

 

Thanks, all. I'm still learning, obviously, but I learned a lot from watching my aunt. Her youngest 2 are the same age as my oldest, and her olders are all turning out beautifully (she has 5; the oldest is in law school and engaged to be married next summer; the next is working a great job; the next is closing in on high school graduation; then the twins are the age of my oldest -- all 5 still talk to their mom).

 

If I can pass on what I've learned and help some other mom out in the process, so much the better.

[MBM]

We established a rule that each child would have to tell us three interesting things about their day at dinner. My husband and I then talk about interesting things in our day. Dinner time is all about conversing at our house, sometimes too much so! Might not work for all but just thought I'd throw it out there for consideration.

[gardenmom5]

I want him to share information about his life with me!

Am I being a baby b/c this hurts my feelings. ."

 

Yes. He's 14. He will talk when he has something to say. 1dd would get so emotional, she wouldn't talk. I finally had the brilliant idea to give her pen and paper. 1ds was the "king of vague". the more I tried to pull info, the harder he worked to give monosyllabic non-answers.:tongue_smilie:(with a wee gleam in his eye to let you know this *was* a game). However, when he had something important to him, he'd say something "in passing". For someone not listening, it would seem unimportant but to me . . . let's say it was a big deal. He'd still do vague, and would try to not smile. (:lol:)

 

TEENAGERS ARE LIKE CATS

1. Neither teenagers nor cats turn their heads when you call them by name.

2. No matter what you do for them, it is not enough. Indeed, all humane efforts are barely adequate to compensate for the privilege of waiting on them hand and foot.

3. You rarely see a cat walking outside of the house with an adult human being, and it can be safely said that no teenager in his or her right mind wants to be seen in public with his or her parents.

4. Even if you tell jokes as well as Jay Leno, neither your cat nor your teen will ever crack a smile.

5. No cat or teenager shares your taste in music.

6. Cats and teenagers can lie on the living room sofa for hours on end without moving, barely breathing.

7. Cats have nine lives. Teenagers carry on as if they did.

8. Cats and teenagers yawn in exactly the same manner, communicating that ultimate human ecstasy: a sense of complete and utter boredom.

9. Cats and teenagers do not improve anyone's furniture.

10. Cats that are free to roam outside sometimes have been known to return in the middle of the night to deposit a dead animal in your bedroom. Teenagers are not above that sort of behavior.

Thus, if you must raise teenagers, the best sources of advice are not other parents, but veterinarians. It is also a good idea to keep a guidebook on cats at hand at all times. And remember, above all else, put out the food and do not make any sudden moves in their direction.

When they make up their minds, they will finally come to you for some affection and comfort, and it will be a triumphant moment for all concerned.

 

With my 13 (14 at the end of this month) yr old son I find that I do better to just sit down and start chatting about nothing, showing an interest in whatever he's doing, writing him goofy notes during school, etc.

:iagree: and late at night. I've had many a conversation with non-verbal teens late at night. I'll stay up reading, and they've wandered in looking for food, then they start talking. (for the boys, frequently after a big game victory when they're boisterous with adrenaline.). they've all been communicative at those hours.

[Hot Lava Mama]

So, now I know. My ds has turned into a cat!

 

I thought I was the only one going through this. My ds 12 has changed from a talkative, sweet, always happy little child to a grumpy, quiet, sullen twit! I thought I went "way wrong" in the "raising" department. Ugh. At least it's good to know I haven't ruined his life forever. Perhaps if I am always here and keep the lines open, he will transform back into my little chatterbox some day.

Hot Lava Mama

[TheReader]

Yes. He's 14. He will talk when he has something to say. 1dd would get so emotional, she wouldn't talk. I finally had the brilliant idea to give her pen and paper. 1ds was the "king of vague". the more I tried to pull info, the harder he worked to give monosyllabic non-answers.:tongue_smilie:(with a wee gleam in his eye to let you know this *was* a game). However, when he had something important to him, he'd say something "in passing". For someone not listening, it would seem unimportant but to me . . . let's say it was a big deal. He'd still do vague, and would try to not smile. (:lol:)

 

TEENAGERS ARE LIKE CATS

1. Neither teenagers nor cats turn their heads when you call them by name.

2. No matter what you do for them, it is not enough. Indeed, all humane efforts are barely adequate to compensate for the privilege of waiting on them hand and foot.

3. You rarely see a cat walking outside of the house with an adult human being, and it can be safely said that no teenager in his or her right mind wants to be seen in public with his or her parents.

4. Even if you tell jokes as well as Jay Leno, neither your cat nor your teen will ever crack a smile.

5. No cat or teenager shares your taste in music.

6. Cats and teenagers can lie on the living room sofa for hours on end without moving, barely breathing.

7. Cats have nine lives. Teenagers carry on as if they did.

8. Cats and teenagers yawn in exactly the same manner, communicating that ultimate human ecstasy: a sense of complete and utter boredom.

9. Cats and teenagers do not improve anyone's furniture.

10. Cats that are free to roam outside sometimes have been known to return in the middle of the night to deposit a dead animal in your bedroom. Teenagers are not above that sort of behavior.

Thus, if you must raise teenagers, the best sources of advice are not other parents, but veterinarians. It is also a good idea to keep a guidebook on cats at hand at all times. And remember, above all else, put out the food and do not make any sudden moves in their direction.

When they make up their minds, they will finally come to you for some affection and comfort, and it will be a triumphant moment for all concerned.

 

 

:iagree: and late at night. I've had many a conversation with non-verbal teens late at night. I'll stay up reading, and they've wandered in looking for food, then they start talking. (for the boys, frequently after a big game victory when they're boisterous with adrenaline.). they've all been communicative at those hours.

 

yes to the late at night part. You are so right.

 

And the cat comparison.....LOL....:lol: pretty spot on there, too. Oh my! Maybe I'll print that out and post it on the fridge....I'll have a teenager (or more than one) for the next, umm, lots of years. Just when the current teen and preteen are heading to college, the youngest will be turning 13/just entering his teen years.

 

I need to get very friendly with our vet. :lol:

[Hoggirl]

Wow! That cat comparison is spot on!

 

I probably do expect too much. My ds (thus far) does not stay up late at night, nor does he eat food late at night. And, his main thing he "does" is practice the piano, which isn't exactly a great time for conversation either.

 

It makes me feel better knowing that I am not alone. He was such a sweet, talkative, friendly little boy! He would tell jokes in the barber shop. The barber pretty much gets one-word answers, too, so I shouldn't take it personally.

[gardenmom5]

I'll have to get back to you on that in about 5 years, but I have the opposite problem. My son never stops talking!

 

Like your avatar. My son has it on a T-shirt.

[keptwoman]

I know the cat comparison was tounge in cheek, but I did not like it, nor find it spot on, for my teen anyway. I found it kind of insulting and belittling to be honest.

Yes, he can be monosyllabic and hard to engage at times. But he is also fun to be with, and happy to engage in general family conversation and the things that he feels passionately about, he enjoys the dinner table and laughs at DH's crazy "dad jokes.". I have also found that with the development of YouTube and iTunes and the easy access to music from all eras, that kids are not restrained by what the latest music is on the radio and develop very eclectic tastes. He likes Queen and Pink Floyd, and other music from our era and previous quite as much as he likes the current music (which I also enjoy).

He doesn't tend to voluntarily do stuff about the house, but does the job quickly and without complaint when I ask him.

I think it is insulting to our teens to expect the worst of them, yes they are frustrating and difficult to parent at times, but they can also be loving and joyous to be around. If we expect the worst of them, we are bound to get it.

 

Eta: I also fully agree with reader, that to engage on a topic that might not be their favourite, do something with them. I think it is being alongside rather than opposed physically, that sets the scene for them feeling that you are with them rather than against them and allows them to open up. Walking, driving, working, Fishing, rowing, sailing, shopping, playing, etc.....together are all things that allow a sense of being alongside them.

Edited September 8, 2011 by keptwoman

[Joyofsixreboot]

He's a guy :001_huh: BUT dh says I'm like this so personality is part of it too.:001_smile:

[Scarlett]

I know the cat comparison was tounge in cheek, but I did not like it, nor find it spot on, for my teen anyway. I found it kind of insulting and belittling to be honest.

 

It doesn't describe my ds at all but he is only 11. I wasn't that way as a teen, nor my brother. We are a bunch of talkers I guess.

 

But I thought it was cute. I love cats.

[Danestress]

I often tell my husband that having 13 (almost 14) year old boys is like dating a guy that is sick of you and you know he's sick of you and just biding his time, but he lacks the confidence to just break things off. Yet.

 

I'd pay a lot of money right now for an old fashioned "love potion."

[Cedarmom]

Just an encouragement.My son was like that at that age. Any questions and he acted like he was being interregated. I did as others suggested, and talked to him more when we were busy doing other stuff(driving, walking playing wii) I tried to make time and listen when he did want to talk. I let him tell me all about his video/computer games when he wanted-and acted as if I was interested in them. And somewhere in there he started to grow up and want to talk to me. Now he's living at home and attending the state college. He comes home and tells me bout his day, the good things and the frustrations. I don't have to ask him 20 questions, he just talks. So don't give up. Just maintain the relationship. Play with your son, laugh with him. You will build the relationship .

[Tohru]

With my 13 (14 at the end of this month) yr old son I find that I do better to just sit down and start chatting about nothing, showing an interest in whatever he's doing, writing him goofy notes during school, etc.

 

If I ask a question, whether open ended or not, he reverts to monosyllabic answers as well. If I comment on the latest cartoon he's drawing, or the nintendo game he's playing, or ask him to explain the game to me, or otherwise show interest in what he's engaged in at that moment, he will sometimes not notice if I then morph over to asking other things and we have actual conversations.

 

I try to talk to him about things when he's busy, as he focuses more on the activity and answers sort of without realizing that's what he's doing. If he's sitting doing nothing and the only thing to occupy his mind are the questions I'm asking, that's when he shuts down. But helping him air up his bike tires, or fold/put away the laundry in his room, or stuff like that kind of frees him up to not feel so self conscious about answering Mom, and plenty of conversations about truly nothing builds the camaraderie needed as a foundation before he's willing to answer the questions about Stuff.

 

:iagree:

Yep, all this, plus patience and not taking it personal.

He needs to separate from you at some point.