How do I get him to stop *screaming*!

[Mynyel]

Oh my Lord in Heaven help me.

 

My ds3 is a screamer. Whenever he doesn't get his own way he SCREAMS! A piercing, feel a shiver down my spine, I wanna throw something scream.

 

 

Short of walloping him every. single. time. Is there a more effective way? "Time-Out" doesn't work either. BTDT.

[Guest]

Put him in his room, close the door, and walk away. Completely ignore the screaming. Or you can say, "I do not respond to screaming" and walk away.

[melissel]

Put him in his room, close the door, and walk away. Completely ignore the screaming. Or you can say, "I do not respond to screaming" and walk away.

 

:iagree: I never had much success with saying, "Take it to your room," because she just won't go, and trying to force it just escalates the situation X 10. But I will turn my back, walk into another room and start doing dishes, turn and talk to her sister, turn up the radio, remind that her that when she starts screaming, the answer is automatically no and the consequence is automatically punishment (removal of some kind of privilege) later on, etc. That seems to have worked more than anything. It may have also just been a phase she needed to get through, because at almost six, she doesn't do it that often anymore.

 

The key is to remain calm, but that is SO much easier said than done, I know :grouphug::grouphug:

[Pamela H in Texas]

"outside voices go outside" as I escort them outside.

 

The therapist who did the additional evaluation on one of our foster kids loved it. She said it really made sense. And I live in a subdivision. But seriously, my kids scream outside a lot anyway. I'm not going to tell them they can NEVER use outside voices.

 

BTW, one huge benefit of throwing them outside is that they naturally calm down in about a quarter of the time. Just as many adults find stepping outside, going for a run, etc helpful, it seems little kids do also. However, sending them to their rooms escalates them most of the time, makes it last MUCH longer, etc.

[melissel]

"outside voices go outside" as I escort them outside.

 

The therapist who did the additional evaluation on one of our foster kids loved it. She said it really made sense. And I live in a subdivision. But seriously, my kids scream outside a lot anyway. I'm not going to tell them they can NEVER use outside voices.

 

BTW, one huge benefit of throwing them outside is that they naturally calm down in about a quarter of the time. Just as many adults find stepping outside, going for a run, etc helpful, it seems little kids do also. However, sending them to their rooms escalates them most of the time, makes it last MUCH longer, etc.

 

I would love to do this, but what do you do with a kid who WILL NOT GO? To get outside in our house involves a set of fairly steep stairs (*&^% bi-level), so bodily removal is difficult and dangerous with a kicking, screaming, 60-pound child.

[Renee in NC]

"outside voices go outside" as I escort them outside.

 

The therapist who did the additional evaluation on one of our foster kids loved it. She said it really made sense. And I live in a subdivision. But seriously, my kids scream outside a lot anyway. I'm not going to tell them they can NEVER use outside voices.

 

BTW, one huge benefit of throwing them outside is that they naturally calm down in about a quarter of the time. Just as many adults find stepping outside, going for a run, etc helpful, it seems little kids do also. However, sending them to their rooms escalates them most of the time, makes it last MUCH longer, etc.

 

When my 5yo screams, it sounds like someone is killing her. I am afraid the neighbors will here it from *inside* the house and call the police!:001_huh:

[kwickimom]

We did the ignore thing for my now 3YO...it took about 3 months, but he FINALLY quit. Praise God.

 

All I did when he screamed was physically pick him up and deposit him in his room and locked the door (we have an open floorplan and his room is right off the livingroom so I am still right there) He would scream upwards of 15 minutes somedays. As soon as he was silent for 5 seconds I would get him instantly. I wanted the instant gratification thing to sink in. Sometimes he would come out and start screaming right away and he would go right back in. There were days I did that 100 times, but it was worth it!!!

 

If we were out in public I would drop whatever we were doing and put him in our van and shut the door and stand there.

[Pamela H in Texas]

Renee, that is what my children sound like also. I have told the older 3 that if the police come, THEY will be the one talking to them. The toddler obviously wouldn't understand that. Generally, I'm just not worried about it. Of course, my kids are out A LOT anyway so there are lots of kid sounds coming from here. We have lots of kids :) I do ask them to chill if there is not a normal wax and wane of sounds.

 

Melissa, that is a bit different. I can physically move the five little kids easily enough. The biggest is only 41 pounds. And we have no steps.

 

I do have to physically escort my children out at this point. With my big kids, they were given a choice of where to take their miserableness (never screaming like these kids do though!). They simply went themselves. Of course, they knew I meant business well before they were 5 where my current 5yr old has been here 4 months as of today.

 

ETA: Renee, this is not towards you; but do LOTS of parents do other discipline others may not particularly care for. They do it because it makes sense for their family, kid, etc. They do it because it works. They do it because they don't have another plan. Whatever. I really don't care of the police show up because of it. In fact, that might help too :)

Edited August 13, 2011 by 2J5M9K

[Renee in NC]

Renee, that is what my children sound like also. I have told the older 3 that if the police come, THEY will be the one talking to them. The toddler obviously wouldn't understand that. Generally, I'm just not worried about it. Of course, my kids are out A LOT anyway so there are lots of kid sounds coming from here. We have lots of kids :) I do ask them to chill if there is not a normal wax and wane of sounds.

 

Melissa, that is a bit different. I can physically move the five little kids easily enough. The biggest is only 41 pounds. And we have no steps.

 

I do have to physically escort my children out at this point. With my big kids, they were given a choice of where to take their miserableness (never screaming like these kids do though!). They simply went themselves. Of course, they knew I meant business well before they were 5 where my current 5yr old has been here 4 months as of today.

 

Maybe the police coming would get through her thick skull that screaming bloody murder isn't helping her any.:glare:

[melissel]

R

Melissa, that is a bit different. I can physically move the five little kids easily enough. The biggest is only 41 pounds. And we have no steps.

 

*sigh* Yeah, the situation with this kid is always "a bit different." She marches to her own dang drummer, that's for sure. Thankfully the screaming is not often an issue anymore, but I liked your idea that they calm down more quickly and effectively outside. I bet you're right about that! Thanks :D

[Lolly]

Oh my Lord in Heaven help me.

 

My ds3 is a screamer. Whenever he doesn't get his own way he SCREAMS! A piercing, feel a shiver down my spine, I wanna throw something scream.

 

 

Short of walloping him every. single. time. Is there a more effective way? "Time-Out" doesn't work either. BTDT.

 

 

Warning: this is not a helpful post. Mostly just commiserating.

 

 

He only screams like that when he isn't getting his way? You could always just let him have his way.:D

 

JK of course. Ds was also a screamer. Only he would just do it randomly. Perfectly content sitting in the buggy in the middle of the grocery store. Bloody murder scream starts coming from him. No reason. Just screaming. He did outgrow it. I'll bet your ds will too. He probably just doesn't have the words to put his emotions into a more appropriate venue right now. Have you tried a huge hug when he is screaming? Of course, that would be putting your ear in danger by moving closer to the noise. At home, I would be so tempted to get in his face and just scream back. Okay, I did that with ds a couple of times. It didn't help.:tongue_smilie:

[Aurelia]

Put him in his room, close the door, and walk away. Completely ignore the screaming. Or you can say, "I do not respond to screaming" and walk away.

 

:iagree: This is how I got Ariel to quit screaming.

[Penelope]

IME it is the age. Whatever you do, they grow out of it in a few months. It's just that in the meantime :banghead:

[susankenny]

Bad attitudes, screaming, fill in the blank. It's all allowed here, just in the privacy & comfort of your own room with no audience. When they can be civilized and apologize, they have full reign of the house again.

 

 

Susan

[sewingmama]

[

Put him in his room, close the door, and walk away. Completely ignore the screaming. Or you can say, "I do not respond to screaming" and walk away. /QUOTE]

 

So what about kids this doesn't work on :glare:

 

I've been doing this to my screamer for 5 years. Her screaming has nevr improved. In her room she just screams louder and longer to make sure evryone hears - it can go on for literally hours :confused:

[Carol in Cal.]

Realize that they are not necessarily completely out of control when they do that. You can still talk to them. Don't expect a response. Project calm. One of these days you will get through.

 

I have had really good success walking a screamer through an appropriate response. Note: Bright, calm voice, happy smile and then, "You know what? You can decide how to feel. You can choose to feel good about playing for five more minutes, or you can choose to feel bad about having to leave in five minutes." (walk away, let them chew on that.) Or, "Screaming doesn't work." (walk away, let them chew on that. One of these days, he'll ask you what DOES work, and you'll have him.) Or, "If you talk in an inside voice, I will answer you." (walk away, let him chew on it.)

 

Don't pick battles you can't win, but win every battle you pick.

[swellmomma]

DD3 is a screamer too. I put her in her room, and stand right outside holding the handle (because she will fling it opena nd scream louder otherwise). As I put her in I tell her that when she is ready to use a nice voice she can come out. The SECOND I hear her stop I open the door back up and say "Oh You are ready to use a soft voice now, Thank you" 1 of 2 things happens, she says yes or she screams louder, in which case we repeat the above. If she says Yes, I pick her up and give her a hug. I have her say sorry for hurting my ears screaming and then I have her tell me what she wanted/was feeling etc when she was screaming. We went from doing things 12+ times a day a month ago to 1-2 times in a week since then.

 

ETA: On e above when I said the SECOND, I mean the second. SHe might have only stopped to take a breathe, but I catch her in that second of the screaming stopping. She screams like someone is killing her slowly and stripping the flesh from her bones. It is insane the way it goes, but seriously catching her on that second of a breath, and then giving her a hug has been enough to reset what is okay and what isn't. 9/10 if she is screaming like that it is out of frustration because something did not go her way. I want her to know how to calmly deal with those frustrations and talk about them not howl like she is dieing.

Edited August 14, 2011 by swellmomma

[MeganW]

My screamer gets put on the garage steps. I can still hear her, but the sound is muffled.

 

My violent screamer gets strapped in her carseat in the van (van door open, in the garage with garage door down so she is perfectly safe).

 

They are welcome to come back in when they are calm & quiet, and are ready to apologize to everyone for acting like a 2 year old. If it takes 1 minute for them to stop, great! If it takes 2 hours, so be it.

 

Whatever they wanted when they started screaming, the answer is no, and there is always an additional something negative. "I was planning on us going out to dinner tonight, but after all listening to all that screaming, I am just too tired to go. I think we'll have <least favorite food> tonight instead."

[Grover]

I'm still waiting for my screamer to get the message that it will never work. He's been at it for coming up three years now. He used to go for hours (his record is a little over four hours) but at least now it's usually more short lived. If we're home and it's not too cold he gets put outside with a calm "screaming will never work" comment and left to it - we open the door as soon as he stops. If it's too cold he gets dumped in a boring part of the hall and ignored. If we are out he gets removed immediately and either strapped into the car and ignored (while we stand near by - I keep a book for just such occasions), taken home if that's possible or put in a corner out of the way. When he is finished there are consequences for his choice, and screaming has never EVER got him his own way... but he still tries it. I am waiting for the police to be called - he sounds like he's being flayed alive. A small part of me is hoping the police will be called because it might help get the message through.

 

Sorry, that's not helpful to you really, but you're not alone!

[musicmommy]

My youngest was a huge screamer/tantrum thrower. Way more so than a normal child. A few things we did...

 

No food coloring and no artificial food stuffs. This truly does affect him.

 

We would also hug him and speak softly. that was good for me also because hugging him helped me to stay a bit calmer. I would also pay attention to him and try to catch it before it escalated. If I could, then I would hold hands with him and we'd look into each other's eyes and take deep breaths together. It helped him learn to calm himself down. I'd say "5 breaths" and we would take them together. Again, it helped both of us.

 

When we were out and about, hubby or I would take him out of the store or restaurant.

 

Until we had him, we though we were such good parents because neither of our older two did this. We sure learned our lesson!

[didadeewiththree]

I fit makes you feel any better, my daughter pretty much quit screaming here at age 7. She only pulls it out once in awhile, I say for "special occasions." She has been a screamer since birth and often her screaming led me to think that something had to be wrong. Once on a bike ride in the neighborhood with her brothers and me, she didnt want to listen to me and sat down in the road, refusing to move, and was screaming bloody murder. I actually had to call my husband to come and pick her up, bike and all! It makes me laugh looking back, but at the time it was anything but funny!

 

After working on the prob(anywhere from trying time outs to seeing a sensory specialist), she finally just outgrew it, unless provoked otherwise. I think the "go to your room and don't come out until you have a happy face on" strategy workd the best and Ive learned to just turn her defiant booty back into her room everytime she comes out still crying and carrying on. It's so hard to be consistent, but that is what she needs! Most of it is just her strong-willed personality shining through! :)

We love her though...:D She's a princess.

[Aubrey]

Mine just turned 3 this week. Oh. my. goodness.

 

He didn't want me to bake his bday cake--he wanted it "cold."

 

Grma gave him a brownie tonight. He cried because he wanted 2.

 

It's several times/hour, every. single. hour. The rest of the time, he's sweet as can be. :glare:

 

We've tried everything, & we have extenuating circumstances--big move, crazy house--but I'll tell you what sticks w/ me & *feels* like a better approach:

 

1. Laura in Scotland always suggests hugging them. This, I believe, lowers mama's blood pressure. ;)

 

2. Terry...from Managers of Their Stuff...talks about training. So I get them to calm down, take deep breaths, make eye contact, & listen. And I start by repeating to them what they want--so they know I've heard and understood. Then I have them try asking/complaining again according to my parameters.

 

For ex, if they're crying because they were told "no," they ask again politely, I tell them no (again) & why (if appropriate), & then they can say something like, "How disappointing," or "Thank you anyway."

 

Once they get it right, they've had enough time to calm down, feel listened to, get snuggled, & they're often laughing by then. The problem? It takes a bazillion times for any change to occur. And it's possible that that change would have occurred anyway because it was just a phase. So instead of seeing it as a cure for the 3yo screamies, I view it as a deposit in the hedge fund against teen age angst. :001_huh:

 

NB: There are times that this does not work, & in those cases, apply which ever methods are safest & sanest. ;) Naptime/time-out are sometimes for the child's benefit, kwim? :D

[didadeewiththree]

Mine just turned 3 this week. Oh. my. goodness.

 

He didn't want me to bake his bday cake--he wanted it "cold."

 

Grma gave him a brownie tonight. He cried because he wanted 2.

 

It's several times/hour, every. single. hour. The rest of the time, he's sweet as can be. :glare:

 

We've tried everything, & we have extenuating circumstances--big move, crazy house--but I'll tell you what sticks w/ me & *feels* like a better approach:

 

1. Laura in Scotland always suggests hugging them. This, I believe, lowers mama's blood pressure. ;)

 

2. Terry...from Managers of Their Stuff...talks about training. So I get them to calm down, take deep breaths, make eye contact, & listen. And I start by repeating to them what they want--so they know I've heard and understood. Then I have them try asking/complaining again according to my parameters.

 

For ex, if they're crying because they were told "no," they ask again politely, I tell them no (again) & why (if appropriate), & then they can say something like, "How disappointing," or "Thank you anyway."

 

Once they get it right, they've had enough time to calm down, feel listened to, get snuggled, & they're often laughing by then. The problem? It takes a bazillion times for any change to occur. And it's possible that that change would have occurred anyway because it was just a phase. So instead of seeing it as a cure for the 3yo screamies, I view it as a deposit in the hedge fund against teen age angst. :001_huh:

 

NB: There are times that this does not work, & in those cases, apply which ever methods are safest & sanest. ;) Naptime/time-out are sometimes for the child's benefit, kwim? :D

 

Getting them to calm down is first and foremost; I agree. I think hugging helps big time, especially for those kids that scream because they don't like or accept change. Alot of times my daughter would be so upset and having a fit, and while I felt angry that she was behaving this way, I could tell that discipline wasnt going to help. Hugs and understanding go a long way!

[Guest]

[

Put him in his room, close the door, and walk away. Completely ignore the screaming. Or you can say, "I do not respond to screaming" and walk away. /QUOTE]

 

So what about kids this doesn't work on :glare:

 

I've been doing this to my screamer for 5 years. Her screaming has nevr improved. In her room she just screams louder and longer to make sure evryone hears - it can go on for literally hours :confused:

 

What happens in the end? Does she stop or do you give in?

[Hedgehogs4]

I will confess that this is not the preferred method of dealing with it, but one day I just screamed back. :confused::confused::confused: He was so confused, as if he didn't believe that someone else could make that sound. I asked him if he liked that and he said no. I said, "neither do I...now please speak instead of screaming."

 

That pretty much fixed it.

 

The end.

[*Lulu*]

I would carry a small spray bottle with water and squirt him right in the face every time he makes the offensive noise.

 

J/K- although it worked wonders for our cat. :tongue_smilie:

 

Seriously though, this is the sort of thing where the most determined party wins. Find an approach that is in sync with your child's temperament and your parenting style and then just hang in there. The tactic doesn't have to be perfect, you just have to be consistent and willing to outlast your child. :grouphug: In a few years this will be one of the stories you tell with a smile..

[Ritsumei]

Bad attitudes, screaming, fill in the blank. It's all allowed here, just in the privacy & comfort of your own room with no audience. When they can be civilized and apologize, they have full reign of the house again.

 

 

Susan

 

Yep. It's an attention-seeking behavior. My guess is that if you do some sort of "you'll get no attention for that" response - consistently - AND find some way to make sure that the munchkin is getting plenty of positive between screams it'll go away faster. Consistency is key with whatever you do: rewarding the behavior (with attention in this case) at random, intermittent intervals is the best way to reinforce a behavior. And, if it's driving you crazy, you might consider taking some data - spend a day or two writing down when, and how long the screaming happens, before you change anything. Then, as you're doing what you're doing you can tell, objectively, if it's working. Especially if you're crazy from it, this can be very encouraging since it will allow you to see if it's working, and how well. Even as you try to keep from pulling out your hair. And, when the little guy is behaving well, try to crank up the positive attention. I'll bet it makes a difference.

 

Good luck!

 

ETA - taking that data can be useful for other things too: it may reveal a trigger you hadn't noticed as well.

 

And Aubrey, a couple posts up, has some great ideas too.

Edited August 14, 2011 by Ritsumei