blondeviolin Posted July 27, 2011 Share Posted July 27, 2011 Friends of ours have just lost their baby girl due to (what I believe is) SIDS. We haven't seen them in two years since we are both military families. We've kept in touch via facebook and blogs. I have their address and would love to send something, but I don't want it to be offensive or insensitive or pointless. Besides prayers and thoughts (which we are already doing), what can I do to help this grieving family? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Whereneverever Posted July 27, 2011 Share Posted July 27, 2011 From that far? Food. Gift cards for take out/delivery. Do they have other children? If so, please send the kids a small gift. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happypamama Posted July 27, 2011 Share Posted July 27, 2011 I'm so sorry for their loss! You're a good friend to be reaching out to them. I agree with a PP -- send a note that acknowledges their loss and lets them know you're thinking of them. And down the road, notes around Mother's Day, Father's Day, the child's birthday, stuff like that. Light a candle (and let them know you did) on October 15. If you talk to them, be willing to listen and let them vent, cry, talk about their daughter, anything. Whatever it takes to acknowledge that their daughter is a real part of their life -- many people will want to tiptoe around it, figuring a mention of the baby will hurt them. They're already hurting; she is a real child and has left a hole in their family -- they're not going to forget her, and it will probably help them if other people mention the baby. One of my nieces was stillborn at 36 weeks, and from what my SIL has said, she appreciates when other people mention her baby and acknowledge that she is a real part of their life. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalanamak Posted July 27, 2011 Share Posted July 27, 2011 I just wanted to mention that while people get a lot of sympathy at first, several people have told me that 6 mons or a year down the line is worse. Mark your calendar ahead to send a card in a year. Or if you know holidays are big to them, a card with a note acknowledging their loss at Christmas, e.g. etc. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kareng Posted July 27, 2011 Share Posted July 27, 2011 I totally agree with what has been written. Years ago, we lost twins and the cards that people sent right away were invaluable. But the pain that endured after the fact was almost unbearable even with God. But, those that stood by us through the days and months and years that followed were the ones that God used to heal our pain. Only He can heal the pain but others, through their showing that they remember (since it seems that everyone else is carrying on as if nothing has happened while you have a almost mortal wound that is bleeding and no one is talking about it or even showing that they remember that you are hurt beyond anything imaginable) help make it doable. Soon after losing the babies, I remember wanting to yell in the grocery store, when the cashier asked how I was doing (casual conversation by someone who didn't know me), "I LOST TWINS AND FEEL LIKE I'M DYING AND CAN BARELY BREATHE. HOW ARE YOU?" I was so angry and hurt and numb and felt all sorts of things that I didn't know how to process. It was only God who used many many thoughtful and caring people to touch my broken heart to allow it, in time, to heal. And I thank God for those who remembered days, months and years later. One friend sent me flowers one year to remember the babies. That so touched me that I wept. The note template is wonderful. Keep it short and sweet. Show them that you care and are there for them. Thanks for taking the time to send a note now and in the months to come. They will remember those and be comforted by them. God will do the rest. Bless you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
G5052 Posted July 27, 2011 Share Posted July 27, 2011 I just wanted to mention that while people get a lot of sympathy at first, several people have told me that 6 mons or a year down the line is worse. Mark your calendar ahead to send a card in a year. Or if you know holidays are big to them, a card with a note acknowledging their loss at Christmas, e.g. etc. One of the most encouraging sympathy cards I received after my dad died came 6 months later. It was from a very busy (in a good way) person that I see infrequently but have a lot of respect for, and she basically said that she had been thinking of me those months and apologized for being late, but waited me to know that she had been thinking of me and praying for me on a regular basis. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kari C in SC Posted July 27, 2011 Share Posted July 27, 2011 I totally agree with what has been written. Years ago, we lost twins and the cards that people sent right away were invaluable. But the pain that endured after the fact was almost unbearable even with God. But, those that stood by us through the days and months and years that followed were the ones that God used to heal our pain. Only He can heal the pain but others, through their showing that they remember (since it seems that everyone else is carrying on as if nothing has happened while you have a almost mortal wound that is bleeding and no one is talking about it or even showing that they remember that you are hurt beyond anything imaginable) help make it doable. Soon after losing the babies, I remember wanting to yell in the grocery store, when the cashier asked how I was doing (casual conversation by someone who didn't know me), "I LOST TWINS AND FEEL LIKE I'M DYING AND CAN BARELY BREATHE. HOW ARE YOU?" I was so angry and hurt and numb and felt all sorts of things that I didn't know how to process. It was only God who used many many thoughtful and caring people to touch my broken heart to allow it, in time, to heal. And I thank God for those who remembered days, months and years later. One friend sent me flowers one year to remember the babies. That so touched me that I wept. The note template is wonderful. Keep it short and sweet. Show them that you care and are there for them. Thanks for taking the time to send a note now and in the months to come. They will remember those and be comforted by them. God will do the rest. Bless you. This brought tears to my eyes. You are so right about wanting to scream it at people. You know it is not their fault, but somehow you just want somebody to know that you are hurting so bad that there is no hurt like it. I still feel that way. As others said, notes are nice months and years after. Just because you hit a year, doesn't mean you don't hurt just as bad. Talk about their baby. I know you obviously don't have memories of a newborn, but just acknowledging this child existed is huge. More physical things are gift cards for food that is delivered. It is a chore to do anything in those first few months. I remember thinking about vacuuming and it was like it was some mountain I had to climb to get up and push that vacuum back and forth. It was crazy, but it was just too much energy. All of my energy was going into not losing my mind. Oh, I so wish that nobody ever had to lose a child. It is the absolute worst pain ever. I will pray for this family. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FrogMom5 Posted July 27, 2011 Share Posted July 27, 2011 I'm so sorry for your friends. There is no greater pain than the loss of a child. :grouphug: I agree with all the posts above. It's important to reach out now and later. Don't shy away from communicating with her because you don't know what to say or because you don't want to remind her of it. Trust me, it's all she and her family can think about. Knowing you care will help immensely. The gift cards for food are a good idea. Try to give ones that will work for carry out or delivery. Dining in may be too much for them right now. I agree with the part about wanting to scream sometimes. The range and intensity of emotions you go through are huge. I can't talk about this too candidly, after all these years it still hurts. Be there for your friends for a long, long time. My prayers are with this family. Denise Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ginevra Posted July 27, 2011 Share Posted July 27, 2011 I totally agree with what has already been written. My MIL never fails to give me a hanging basket of flowers on my dd's birthday every year, though it has been 8 years now. It is so incredibly precious to me that she has not stopped doing this as in, "Oh, that was so long ago. I'm sure they don't care if I acknowledge the birthday again." A card of acknowledgement down the road a ways will be treasured, believe me. I also think a gift card for a dinner out is a wonderful gesture. A friend gave us a gift card for Chili's and it was so nice. :grouphug: To the other mothers here who have lost children. I totally agree with what you've written. I remember thinking I wanted to hang a sign around my neck that said, "I lost a baby. Please take anything I do or say with a grain of salt." I'm only kidding a little bit. I was so out of my mind for just the longest time. I can hardly believe I lived. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
prairiewindmomma Posted July 27, 2011 Share Posted July 27, 2011 :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FloridaLisa Posted July 28, 2011 Share Posted July 28, 2011 I'm going through a terrible loss right now. Cards have been very helpful just because it lets us know that people care. The words that you write don't matter so much; just let them know that you care about them, that you are praying for them and that you will continue to pray for them this year. If you want to send something, a grocery gift card is nice. They have likely had many extra expenses (some quite costly) in connection with the loss, burial and grieving. Bless you for thinking of them, Lisa Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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