Peek a Boo Posted May 22, 2008 Share Posted May 22, 2008 Hi all-- I need some practical advice. We are already seeking referrals locally for legal and financial advice. FIL is taking chemo meds for liver/lung cancer. he had a cancerous kidney removed in Nov 2006, and was diagnosed again in Nov 2007. Renal Cell Carcinoma. he is 72. he is visiting us [from San Antonio] and we just took him in to the ER to have his lung drained again. last Thursday they drained a gallon of fluid. We have decided he will not be going back home. he understands this. He is on Medicare. I do NOT know all his financial and medical info at this time. But we do need to consult someone about dispersing/managing his estate: house [paid off, in SA], bank accounts, tax liabilities, etc and handling his medical care. All the things involved in taking on a parent as a dependent. We know squat about Medicare/ medicaid. Even small pieces of advice add up :) If anyone can offer practical advice or a website that will explain in nice easy terms some things to consider or do, that would be welcomed. Especially what NOT to do.....! Thanks! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jenny in Atl Posted May 22, 2008 Share Posted May 22, 2008 No advice, just :grouphug:. My dh lost his mom to lung cancer five years ago. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
8filltheheart Posted May 22, 2008 Share Posted May 22, 2008 Hi all-- I need some practical advice. We are already seeking referrals locally for legal and financial advice. FIL is taking chemo meds for liver/lung cancer. he had a cancerous kidney removed in Nov 2006, and was diagnosed again in Nov 2007. Renal Cell Carcinoma. he is 72. he is visiting us [from San Antonio] and we just took him in to the ER to have his lung drained again. last Thursday they drained a gallon of fluid. We have decided he will not be going back home. he understands this. He is on Medicare. I do NOT know all his financial and medical info at this time. But we do need to consult someone about dispersing/managing his estate: house [paid off, in SA], bank accounts, tax liabilities, etc and handling his medical care. All the things involved in taking on a parent as a dependent. We know squat about Medicare/ medicaid. Even small pieces of advice add up :) If anyone can offer practical advice or a website that will explain in nice easy terms some things to consider or do, that would be welcomed. Especially what NOT to do.....! Thanks! You are talking about several different issues. Unless he is declared incompetent, he is going to remain in control of his finances. If he signs everything, you can do the leg work, but legally he is going to have to sign. There is a legal document you can get your dad to sign that will let you sign legally for him even without him being declared incompetent but I don't know what it is.......my bil dealt with all of the financial issues b/c he is a CPA. I would immediately get his health care power of attorney. Drs will do what they think your dad wants (or influence him to do) unless you have one. Once you have the power of attorney, you can get all information and be in all of the decision making processes. The HCPA made a huge difference in my ability to manage my mom's care. Does your dad have supplemental insurance? My parents had medicare and BCBS. Basically they paid $0 for medical care b/c what one didn't pay the other did. I think what you need to do is contact an attorney and start there. I'm very sorry you are having to deal with this. It was the worst couple of yrs in my life. In many ways it was more stressful than when our dd died. (of course a lot of had to do with the fact that I had siblings fighting over my parent's possessions even while they were alive.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peek a Boo Posted May 22, 2008 Author Share Posted May 22, 2008 yes, he is willing to get us as involved as possible so we can manage stuff for him, and I did know about the HCPA, we just haven't obtained one yet. I need a checklist! ack. I'm waiting for some call backs on attorneys. Not sure about his insurance situation; will find out pretty soon. I'm anticipating the stress part, but i don't think it will last very long...:001_unsure: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MaryM Posted May 22, 2008 Share Posted May 22, 2008 Here's what I learned from dealing with my Dad. 1. Medical POA immediately. YOu can download them from the web. Do it, get it notarized. 2. Get a legal POA also. 3. Make sure all assets are Jointly owned if at all possible and this includes having the deed to the house in someone else's name besides his. 4. Make sure he has a will. 5. As others have said, get supplemental health insurance and medicare sponsored prescription coverage. 6. Find outside caregiver support for yourselves. Seriously. You can't do it alone, it is very hard and you need respite care lined up in advance. 7. Find some good books like the Idiot's GUide to Caring for your parents. 8. God Bless you both. You are doing a noble, loving and caring thing here!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tammyla Posted May 22, 2008 Share Posted May 22, 2008 Check with your hospital and see if you can consult with a patient advocate. They tend to have all the financial, legal and family/patient support information available, and can often help you navigate the days ahead. Prayers for you and your family.:grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laurie Posted May 23, 2008 Share Posted May 23, 2008 If he qualifies, the hospice nurses will visit him at home, arrange for any medical equipment (oxygen, etc.) that he might need, and they are experts at making sure that their patients' pain is managed as best as it can be. They also have people like chaplains, home health aids, and social workers as part of their team. I'm sorry you're going through this. :sad: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pam "SFSOM" in TN Posted May 23, 2008 Share Posted May 23, 2008 FIL is taking chemo meds for liver/lung cancer. he had a cancerous kidney removed in Nov 2006, and was diagnosed again in Nov 2007. Renal Cell Carcinoma. he is 72. Oh, wow. I'm absolutely no help, but I'm so very sorry. That's hard. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laura K (NC) Posted May 23, 2008 Share Posted May 23, 2008 I started thinking about doing that when my grandmother was very ill and couldn't live at home anymore. There were so many things to consider, but I just couldn't sit back and watch her go into a nursing home. Unfortunately she went downhill really quickly. I hope you find all the help you need, and you take care of yourself in the process. Your kids will learn a lot in watching you take care of your FIL... involve them in the process however you can, and let that be their school for a while. Whatever their age they will be learning something priceless. Peace to you, Laura Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robin in Tx Posted May 23, 2008 Share Posted May 23, 2008 (((Peek))) I'm so sorry you're dealing with this! I've sorta been through it twice... I don't have any specific advice but I'd be happy to talk to you offline anytime you need... for encouragement,for a shoulder to cry on, for someone to sit and listen to a much needed pressure release without fear of judgment... anything you need. These are hard times, but they can be sweet times, too. Whatever you do, try your hardest to not treat him like he's your dependent or your project or your ministry in any way. The loss of independence is probably themost depressing thing for an elderly ill person. They need to feel a sense of control, a sense of independence to some extent, and some sort of value to their life. You can accomplish that by giving him something to do around the house and make sure it's something that is really helpful and appreciated (for my mom who went blind, it was folding towels. Boy howdy, did she look forward to folding the towels... people from that generation were usually valued by the work they produced and she NEEDED to make a contribution to feel any self worth at all). Okay, I know this isn't answering your question, and I know you already know all this stuff... just thinking outloud here. There are a lot of social services available when you take in an elderly relative. I would suggest talking to a social services coordinator at the hospital for a start... sometimes they can be very, very helpful. The other thing I'd do is start checking out hospice organizations NOW. They are not all alike, and some aren't nearly as good/compassionate as others. When the time comes, you want to be ready with a decision already made... it's hard enough as it is when you get to that stage without having to rush into a decision about which organization you want to go with. Start asking about referrals now. Best wishes, and many hugs, and much love your way. Robin Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Danestress Posted May 23, 2008 Share Posted May 23, 2008 They might be able to help you a lot, and they might be able to provide forms or refer you to an attorney who they recommend. They also just might offer really great support, brainstorming, and referrals. If your FIL still is mentally sound and is willing to have you participate, this isn't going to be nearly so hard. You can find out exactly what forms you need for a power-of-attorney for healthcare, finances, etc. My MIL did this for her mother recently (in a different state) and it all went smoothly. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peek a Boo Posted May 23, 2008 Author Share Posted May 23, 2008 thanks everyone! i had asked dh to check w/ the people at the hospital for advice [patient advocate! forgot the term ;)], but I got that blank stare of "for WHAT??" so i guess i'll have to do that, lol. and Danestress, yes, fil is still mentally sound, and willing to have us participate. He has NEVER been a people person and detests having to ask questions to get the info he needs, so dealing w/ all the docs i think has been really frustrating for him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brehon Posted May 23, 2008 Share Posted May 23, 2008 Peek, First, I'm so very sorry you and your family is dealing with this. What others have said about what forms, etc you need is good advice. I only have a couple of small thoughts. When my grandparents were nearing the ends of their lives, my mom and uncle (her brother) set up a Trust for my grandparents' assets. All of their assets (house, vehicles, life insurance policies, investments, retirement vehicles, et al) were placed in this trust which significantly decreased the hassle and estate taxes after their deaths. This trust was in addition to their wills. Any estate atty should be able to help you with this. This could be beneficial even with smaller estates. The second thought is that, as momof7 and MaryM suggested, do get a MPOA. The other things you might want to consider are a living will and an out of hospital DNR (Do Not Resusitate). Your fil's doc can help you out with those, in fact his doc will have to sign the DNR. Again, I'm so sorry for your fil and your family. Take care. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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