"Always Go to the Funeral"

[texasmama]

Where in the world is it the custom to serve a catered lunch to everyone who comes to the funeral? I've never heard of such a thing. Or where is it the custom for the family to have a receiving line? Those are both crazy expectations! I am guessing this is a regional thing???

 

In Texas, both are very common. Either the family will provide food for a gathering after the service or the church/friends/volunteers will provide it. Because this is an experience I have had all of my life, it doesn't seem like a "crazy expectation" at all.

[-M-]

So.

 

As it turns out, I have had some recent experience in this area and wanted to add a few more thoughts, now that I've read the more recent comments.

 

We are not religious, so I do think I may have conflated the ideas of visitations / wakes / services / funerals. When I urged you to attend, I was thinking of the visiting hours and possibly even the "service" (whatever that may mean for the family) at the funeral home or the church or wherever. If I never understood the phrase "strength in numbers," I certainly did after the visitation and service for our son. Like other posters, though, I believe that graveside rituals are primarily for close family and friends.

 

As for a receiving line, oh. my. GOODNESS. I had been quite firm on the point that following the conclusion of the service, my family would be escorted from the premises by our casualty officer. The funeral director, however, steeped in what is apparently much more common in this area, closed the service... and the door through which we were to exit! By the time Staff Sergeant made his way to us and managed to get the door open, we were engulfed by those in attendance.

 

Dante failed to describe the particular circle of hell that is re-greeting, -hugging, and -hand-clasping all of those people.

 

Ah, well. What is it they say about what fails to kill us makes us stronger? Color me all sorts of strong.

 

And appreciative. Color me appreciative. Yes, with the distance of nearly eight months between this writing and that event, I realize how much I deeply appreciate the kindness of all of those people.

 

As for luncheons and pre- and post-service gatherings, those are not as common in this area, although I did take my in-laws to lunch before the service.

[stripe]

I think it's very nice to go to funerals, both to pray for the deceased and comfort the bereaved survivors.

[laughing lioness]

I love this advice: Show Up. It covers so many things.

When my sister died last year 1000 people showed up to the wake and 300 to the funeral. My bil and his 3 teenage kids FELT the love during a time of profound loss. It meant so much to see such an outpouring of love.

Edited July 19, 2011 by laughing lioness

[G5052]

Depending on the area of the country, sometimes there are multiple events, and I always go to at least one if at all possible. We missed one entirely this winter because we all had the flu, and sometimes I have to work, but I do my best. Even if I don't know the person real well, I sign the book and shake their hand and know that means something.

 

My dad's funeral was surrounded with huge family drama and difficult circumstances. A friend my age that I hadn't been in contact with for 17 years took off of work so that he could be there. What did that mean? Everything. It truly made my day.

 

We went to a viewing a few weeks ago for a neighbor. She had been sick for a very long time, and almost no one was there other than family. I was glad we went.

[ChristusG]

Is this the family with four kids (pregnant with the fifth) that lives in central Florida but was visiting Georgia and was rear ended by a drunk driver coming home from a fireworks show? A couple in our Sunday School class is good friends with them and told us their story a few weeks ago at church. It's horribly heartbreaking.

[TKDmom]

Is this the family with four kids (pregnant with the fifth) that lives in central Florida but was visiting Georgia and was rear ended by a drunk driver coming home from a fireworks show? A couple in our Sunday School class is good friends with them and told us their story a few weeks ago at church. It's horribly heartbreaking.

 

Yep. I find myself on the verge of tears every time I think of them.

[Cheryl in NM]

Do you follow this policy?

 

I listened to an article by this title several years ago on NPR, and vowed that I would always go. But when it comes down to actually going... maybe I just need some moral support.

 

An acquaintance of mine lost their 6yo dd a few weeks ago and they're holding the funeral this week. I want to go, but at the same time, I feel weird about going. I don't know the family well. Their oldest dd was in the same pre-K class as my oldest and we had them over for a play date one time. I see the family around town, but I haven't talked to them in several years.

 

I just hate that there ever has to be funerals for sweet little girls... :crying:

 

I can tell from personal experience that her family would be touched to have you there.

[Starr]

I don't think of funerals as private. The graveside service would be for family and the closest friends but a church funeral would be for everyone that cares. :grouphug:

[Renthead Mommy]

When my dad died, I was blown away when I realized how many cars were in line following us to the cememtary. As we came around the jughandle, we could see the line of cars going so far back onto the highway. It was amazing.

 

That, and when I found out the closed down the business that my dad worked at for the entire day so everyone could come was really moving. He worked at an electrical supply place (electricians/contractors would come there to get supplies) so closing down for a day was a pretty big deal. It meant a lot to us.

 

My vote is go.

[katilac]

You might find out if there is a family spokesperson. Sometimes funeral directors will even say out right, "This family does not want a big funeral, or they need their privacy, or they would really appreciate anyone who takes the time to attend and welcome all, etc." I really like it when specifics are mentioned or there is a contact person for that. This way the family's preferences are honored. Faith

 

Yes, there are very standard ways for handling this. First, if the funeral or service is to be private, then the date and location is not mentioned in the published obituary. The funeral director is made aware, and has a standard response for anyone who calls. This generally always comes up without the family having to think of it, because they are various sized rooms, and they need to know what to reserve. Same thing goes if you have it at a church or such - if few people are expected, they will try to have it in a small chapel if available, or arrange for sound system, etc if overflow is expected. And yes, very helpful to have a few people speaking for the family, accepting and making phone calls, etc.

 

I think the family should absolutely do whatever they want, and I have no issues at all with a private service or declining a receiving line, etc. But I can't imagine anyone going to a funeral with anything but the best intentions. Their lives might have been touched by the deceased in a way we can't imagine, even if they weren't close friends, and I'm sure the intent in attending is to honor them and their family.

[CAMom]

Go. Seriously, go. One of the things I hated hearing when my ^dd^ had cancer was how no one wanted to go to her funeral. I get that. A kid dying is hard on everyone. But, she should be honored by others and her parents need support. One of the hardest things for me about my ^dd^ dying was that everybody with young children still at home avoided me---both when she was sick and for months afterwards because they couldn't cope with it.

 

After all of the drama and hoopla over it all, we chose just to have a simple graveside with very immediate family.

 

If you choose not to go, send them a card about 6 weeks from now. By that point everyone else will have resumed their normal lives and expecting that the parents have moved on too, but they will still be deeply grieving.

 

:crying: I'm so sorry for your loss.

 

I also agree with you. My dd was 6 weeks old when she died. We were touched by all the people that came. You know what? My own mother did not come because she said she "couldn't handle it." It still hurts almost 6 years later.

 

We also had people avoid us like the plague after our dd died because they "just didn't know what to say or do." It was so painful being isolated after such a devastating loss.

 

I always try to go to a funeral. The presence of others says, "I remember your loved one and I'm thinking of you in your time of loss." It's an act of compassion for those who were left behind.

 

Just my experience as one who has been there on the loss of a child.:grouphug:

[Crimson Wife]

It was weird to attend the funeral of my cousin's father, who had gone through a nasty divorce with my aunt a number of years before. We went to support my cousin even though we disliked the deceased. We obviously did not attend the graveside service.

[CAMom]

It meant the world to me - as someone else mentioned, to see that people had taken time out of their lives to come honor my precious baby. A complete stranger came to me after the service and pinned a little golden angel on my blouse. I have it to this day and I will always love that woman for that - though I still have no idea who she is.

 

Nothing, and I will say it again, NOTHING, hurts like the death of a child. The last thing you are thinking about is "why is that person here?" Please go. I am praying for strength for you, and for this precious family. <3

 

:crying:

 

I think the above speaks to what I felt when my dd died. When you have a death that is tragic like the death of a child your entire world stops spinning. I would walk into the grocery store, for example, and get angry thinking, "Why are these people all walking around like nothing happened? Don't they know that the world just ended?"

 

When people take the time to come to a funeral to show their support, it is an acknowledgement that, yes, your world did just end and they are compassionate enough for their own world to stop for just a short time to share that with the grieving.

 

I also think that, for the most part, in the US, we minimize and suppress grief. It makes others uncomfortable so they don't share in the grief of others and they want them to just get on with their lives. It's sad.

 

:grouphug:

[springmama]

:crying:

 

I think the above speaks to what I felt when my dd died. When you have a death that is tragic like the death of a child your entire world stops spinning. I would walk into the grocery store, for example, and get angry thinking, "Why are these people all walking around like nothing happened? Don't they know that the world just ended?"

 

When people take the time to come to a funeral to show their support, it is an acknowledgement that, yes, your world did just end and they are compassionate enough for their own world to stop for just a short time to share that with the grieving.

 

I also think that, for the most part, in the US, we minimize and suppress grief. It makes others uncomfortable so they don't share in the grief of others and they want them to just get on with their lives. It's sad.

 

:grouphug:

 

A close friend lost a child and I have heard her say similar things.

[TKDmom]

:crying:

 

I think the above speaks to what I felt when my dd died. When you have a death that is tragic like the death of a child your entire world stops spinning. I would walk into the grocery store, for example, and get angry thinking, "Why are these people all walking around like nothing happened? Don't they know that the world just ended?"

 

When people take the time to come to a funeral to show their support, it is an acknowledgement that, yes, your world did just end and they are compassionate enough for their own world to stop for just a short time to share that with the grieving.

 

I also think that, for the most part, in the US, we minimize and suppress grief. It makes others uncomfortable so they don't share in the grief of others and they want them to just get on with their lives. It's sad.

 

:grouphug:

 

 

Thank you for sharing that. A couple of years ago my best friend's dd died and I came on to these forums to talk about it. It amazed me that other people could still be discussing trivial matters when I was totally consumed with planning a funeral.... it's funny how easily your perspective can change.

 

I think I will go ahead with my original intent to go. I will end up regretting it if I don't.

 

I also really like others' suggestions of remembering to send a card or other remembrance to the family later.