How to prepare for MIL moving in

[CindyPTN]

Due to some life changes (both my husband and I had to start working), we have asked my husband's mother to move in with us. She was in need of a place to stay and we are in need of a stable means to care for the children.

 

I am very nervous. When you came to this decision, how did you outline expectations of each other?

 

I feel strongly that if we don't lay everything (well, at least the most predictable of things) out upfront that we will face a major crisis.

 

Is anyone willing to share what worked best for you?

[Mama Geek]

We stayed with my IL's for a few months. My MIL and I butted heads too much and our relationship is a whole lot more strained now. I tried to keep my head low, but she is very opinionated and pretty controlling and mean to some extent. I am not perfect, I let things get to me to easily and I don't show emotions much, and I am very blunt. I have pretty much lost all respect for her and that makes things very difficult now. Here are some things that I have learned.

 

It is better not to discuss everything in front of your MIL. If you don't want her advice on something don't discuss it within her hearing range.

 

I would suggest having some space that is just for your family and some space that is just for her and don't get upset or take it personally if she uses that space.

 

I would try to figure out as much as possible how she will contribute to the household ahead of time. Will she cook lunch, will she buy groceries part of the time? Try to do this so that she feels like she is in her home rather than visiting. I know I was pregnant, but I really didn't want my MIL doing dh's or my laundry, or washing the towels in the bathroom we were using. I didn't want to be taken care of like a child. If she wants to shop at X and you usually shop at Y, let her shop at X and don't make a big deal of it. Don't feel you have to always go on outings together.

 

I hope that it works out for you. I knew ahead of time that it would be tough, because we didn't have a great relationship to start with, but I never imagined it would be as tough as it was.

[....]

Oh, no. I feel your pain. We just bought a house a few weeks ago and we purposely had it built with an extra bedroom for my FIL/MIL. They just can't take care of themselves financially, either. They're living in a horribly decrepit neighborhood and were just attacked a few months ago (by some nutjob), so we're trying to get them outta there. Mine are also very opinionated and they're from Korea (and I am not Korean) :D.

 

In our situation, it would be rude to lay out ground rules. It would just be perceived as disrespectful and they would be offended. So, in addition to the in-laws actually living with us, we would have the cultural differences, too. So, when they finally move in, it will probably end up with me just trying to be as easy-going as I can, try to make them feel comfortable and I'm already used to the huge language/cultural differences. Korean family dynamics are very, very different from ours.

 

My BIL has his MIL living with him (she's from the Phillipines and he's Korean) and it has been non-stop fighting. I think the best thing would be to try to keep a separation as much as possible...don't discuss your finances in front of them, etc. She got involved in his finances and it all went downhill from there.

 

I'm going to have a panic attack just thinking about this, now. :tongue_smilie: Good luck, Everybody! :lol: Irish coffee this morning, anyone?

[Plink]

It is better not to discuss everything in front of your MIL. If you don't want her advice on something don't discuss it within her hearing range.

 

I would suggest having some space that is just for your family and some space that is just for her and don't get upset or take it personally if she uses that space.

 

 

Great points!

 

Make sure that you teach your children that her room is just that ... hers. They should knock before entering (or call out, or whatever is acceptable manners in your region) before entering EVERY time regardless of whether the door is open or not.

 

Give MIL a cupboard, a bathroom (or shelf in the bathroom), a specific place to park, a corner of the garden and if you have space, set up her own "parlor" in a corner of her room so that she can have guests over without needing to be in the middle of your space. Don't expect that these are the only spaces that she will use, but by giving her a special place to be you will be carving out an area that is specific to your own family too.

 

Good luck! :grouphug:

[Starr]

You have a sense of you own Mil. I thought my mother would fold into the family with some time and working out some kinks but it didn't work like that. I agree that everyone needs some space to be alone. If she's taking care of the kids all day and you step in at night it will be better if your parenting styles are similar. But she's not a babysitter that you can really tell exactly how you want thing done and the kids will need to listen to her when you are home as well. They are getting an extra parent. :D I've seen this work in other homes. I really hope it works well for you.

[july19]

Firstly, I agree a lot with what Mama Geek and others wrote. Our situation is a little different - My in-laws bought our rental when our landlord decided he was tired of being a landlord - but we prepared for them moving in, too. (Of note, we didn't ask them to buy our house - they liked our house better than their own, so they sold theirs and bought ours) We were newlyweds, and really didn't like the idea of living with his parents right away, but c'est la vie. :glare:

 

We agreed on several things beforehand:

 

* what financially was going to happen - who was going to pay for what, how much, how often, etc.

 

* clear, defined spaces and who will take care of what - our bedroom is our bedroom, our sons room is his room, and we have our own bathroom that isn't to be shared with the rest of the family - and we are in charge of cleaning our own areas. I think for you - giving her her own space that she can do as she wishes would be the best.

 

* same with dishes and laundry - I will do my little family's items, but as a rule, I am not going to wash every one's items. If I need the dryer, I will fold your items. But as a general rule, nope.

 

My husband and I are very very different than the rest of his family. And while his family does not agree with how we raise our son (they don't care that they fight right in front of our son, they hate homeschooling, they think we are too hard on him and expect too much from him at his age, etc), we have been able to distance ourselves from them despite our close quarters.

 

Remember that even though you can plan ahead, things could still be less than desirable. Had my husband and I known then what we know now, we would have moved out immediately. (We figured that 1.5 years until he was out of college again was manageable....ohhh were we wrong! But hey, only 6 more months now!)

 

I think the best piece of advice right now is to have patience - especially in the beginning when everyone is adjusting. With the right family, situations like this can work beautifully. It sounds like you guys have thought a lot about this, and it seems like you all will be okay. But extra :grouphug: just in case!

 

Our situations are very different, but I hope that helps? Kinda? I'm not awake yet this morning.

[july19]

Irish coffee this morning, anyone?

 

Good heavens yes. I'll buy, people!

[JVA]

You dh HAS to be front and center on this- it's HIS mom. So much depends on her personality. Know your expectations and hers.

 

1. Set boundaries BEFORE she moves in: including parenting issues, food, housekeeping, space, opinions, privacy, pets, TV etc...

 

2. Plan on regular breaks from one another

 

3. Have an exit plan. Is this a finite time or open-ended?

 

4. Have an escape. Your family AND she need a place to go to that is just for you/her. Is there another relative/friend that she can spend wknds with occasionally? Does your family have a place to go to by yourselves?

 

5. Remember the reason WHY- she IS helping you out so try to keep that in mind when things get bumpy. Keep an eye on the big picture.

 

 

I admire that you're willing to have her live with you. I could never do it. My mil is an extreme introvert (hardly talks) and my mother is NPD. I've not seen this work all that often but think it can, if there is an understanding BEFORE you get started.

[alpidarkomama]

No advice, but I'm anxious having my mother-in-law move in 5 houses down from us. We get along pretty well (3,000 miles apart!), and I hope that continues. We're her only caregivers as she gets older, so it will be much easier in that respect having her closeby. Fortunately, DH and I are on the same page with what our boundaries are, but I know that she is imagining all sorts of time together every day and going with us on all of our (few) vacations. I think we'll go through a hard transition as we lay out our needs. I think I'd be 10x more anxious if she were actually moving into our house! :scared: I also learned to let DH handle most things that come up. Six more days...

[Impish]

With my MIL, I'd start by laying in a hefty supply of booze. And looking for a rental.

 

It would never work for us, but I wish you all the success!

[DawnM]

No advice. It simply would not be an option for us, EVER, under any circumstances.

[Mama Geek]

I would like to add a couple of things...

My father in law we could live with pretty easily. He is a lot like my husband and we both respect him and he has a lot of respect for us. He also understands boundaries.

 

With you MIL living with you, you won't be able to depend on your dh being the one to always deal with any issues with her. You will have to do this.

 

Might I also suggest that you have a friend to talk to other than your dh. Mine listened to me a lot, but sometimes his attitude was just to ignore her. That is easier for him since he grew up with her. It didn't work for me. A 3rd party to talk to would probably really help at times.

[i.love.lucy]

I agree with most of what is said. But I don't think it's a total recipe for disaster either. We moved my in-laws in with us for about 6 months. We were able to give them our master bedroom so it was the largest space, with room for a couple of chairs for tv watching, etc. I would get my feelings hurt sometimes when they were closed up in there all the time instead of being out with the family, but they had lived for many, many years not sharing their space with rowdy dogs and kids, watching what they want on tv, etc. It was a little much for them, so they'd retreat.

 

I definitely agree that laying out the boundaries ahead of time is the best. Especially when it comes to any money issues. We agreed up front on a weekly amount they would pay us to cover added expenses for food and utilities. I cooked for the whole family, but we each did our own laundry. I didn't expect babysitting help, because they were both not physically able to do much of that at all.

 

Just be ready for her to do things that WILL get on your nerves. Her very existence in your home will irritate you at times. The way she stacks the dishes in the sink, the different way she fold towels, the way she gets her lipstick on your mugs and glasses and it won't wash off. The way she drowns herself in her perfume and has no idea it's so much that the whole family reeks of Charlie. :001_huh: Wait....oh, that was my mom. :tongue_smilie:

 

Good luck to you! You can make it work!! :grouphug:

[SweetMissMagnolia]

YES definately make sure you two are on the same page...for different reasons (hubby's dad is disabled-but still kinda abled LOL)---we live with hubby's dad and we disagree on just about everything-he has a different view or parenting (VERY old school) and it's just a headache......I think if our house were built differently LOL where we could each have our own spaces it would be better---if you get along pretty much with your MIL and make sure that you're on the same page with everything it should be fine....good luck...

[CindyPTN]

Thank you for the advice.

 

It looks like our offer just went through on the house and we do have a large room with bathroom for her own space. We hope to add a sitting area and make it a mini-home.

 

Thank you again.

[black_midori]

Just be ready for her to do things that WILL get on your nerves. Her very existence in your home will irritate you at times. The way she stacks the dishes in the sink, the different way she fold towels, the way she gets her lipstick on your mugs and glasses and it won't wash off. The way she drowns herself in her perfume and has no idea it's so much that the whole family reeks of Charlie. :001_huh: Wait....oh, that was my mom. :tongue_smilie:

 

Good luck to you! You can make it work!! :grouphug:

 

Too funny - but so true!!!

 

I want to add my voice to the people telling you it CAN WORK - I've lived with my MIL AND FIL for the last 11 years (ever since I got married), and I love them both to bits.

 

Originally, my hubby was living with them and helping on their farm - so when I married him, it only made sense for me (and my horses!) to move into their big ranch-house on the farm! :) That house burned and we moved into a smaller house, then had 2 kids - shew, that got tight for awhile, but we made it through. Eventually, my hubby wanted to move to a different city - and they came with us and moved into the house we bought! This was all pre-planned, though; we got a house with 2 master bedrooms just so they could come. They are older, and I wanted our kids to have as much time with them as they could (and we can then take care of them when they get to the point of needing it).

 

It works. In fact, it works so well that when we bought out house we considered & rejected the idea of buying one with a totally separate in-law house! I really felt like they were so introverted and unwilling to stray far from home that we'd probably hardly see them - and we wanted them around :)

[T'smom]

It can work! I've never done it, but I have a friend that has been living with her inlaws for 5 years!!! She gets upset about it sometimes (doesn't think her husband is motivated enough to get them out.....but they are on their way) but it does work for them. There are always negatives in a situation.....but a built-in babysitter would be great! Definitely lay out expectations beforehand and try to extend as much grace as possible.