What are the signs of ...

[JadeOrchidSong]

7 year itch? I first heard of this term a couple months ago from my FIL.

How did you feel and what did you do? How did you survived it?

We are probably going through this now. Would like to see some BTDT share their experience.

[Cheryl in NM]

7 year itch? I first heard of this term a couple months ago from my FIL.

How did you feel and what did you do? How did you survived it?

We are probably going through this now. Would like to see some BTDT share their experience.

 

My personal opinion is that it's (the 7 year itch) a myth. None of our friends, or us, have gone through anything like this and we've all been married over 15 years.

 

I would urge you to look deeper than a social myth propagandized by movies and the media. Infidelity is not a given in every marriage. In fact, in my circles it is unheard of.

 

If there are signs of your Dh being unfaithful, then that's needs to be addressed, but if you, yourself, are feeling unrest then that's another issue entirely. I've learned over the years that I am disappointed with some choices I've made and I have occasionally blamed that on Dh. I've also learned things about Dh that I don't like over the years. That was rough. I had to remember why I married him and pray alot. There was a short time in our marriage that I just told myself that I only had to stay until Ds was 18 and then I could leave. It was during that timeframe that I grew the most as a human being, woman, wife and mother. These are my life experiences, that doesn't mean they work for everyone and I am, by no means, judging others who have made other choices.

 

If I were you, I would take a close look at what you are feeling and what is happening in your relationship and then deal with it appropriately. I have found the placing labels on my relationships only hinders them.

[nono]

I think there comes a point in every marriage where it gets real.

 

Sometimes the reality comes on very soon, and sometimes, very late. Some marriages never get real. Maybe seven is an average? <shrug>

 

But, I think there's a time when reality hits, and a person sometimes feels, "Did I really sign up for this??" And the grass looks greener and all that. It doesn't have to lead anywhere. Because if you really think it through, any attraction would go through the natural stages and lead you right back to where you are now, whether it's 7 years in or 20 years in...like the movie Groundhog Day! :tongue_smilie:

 

I find at that point, like Cheryl said, you can dedicate yourself to a goal, such as raising your kids together. Surprisingly, that has worked well for my dh and me as we worked out the kinks in our marriage (more to come, I'm sure). And, in some ways, it took the pressure off each of us to be each others' perfect mate. With the pressure reduced, we each became a lot more attractive to one another. It's not the marriage I imagined. It's actually richer and has a lot more texture than my mind could have imagined going into it.

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

But, I think there's a time when reality hits, and a person sometimes feels, "Did I really sign up for this??"

 

I think this has a lot to do with it. The way you imagine marriage to be is not exactly how it ends up being. So, at this realization, you can decide to make your arrangement work for you, or as some do, you can leave to move on to another decision that may or may not turn out as you imagine.

[Joanne]

I'm a semester and a test away from being an LMFT and I don't believe in the "7 year itch".

 

I believe ALL long term relationships (marriages, parent/child, siblings, Christians with a church.....) have seasons of challenge.

 

I'd encourage you to assess the issues YOUR marriage currently has and find resources for those issues to get you through this time (whatever that may be).

[emeraldjoy]

I am just reading a book called The Five Love Languages or Languages of Love or something.

The author mentioned something in the beginning of the book that he seemed to be able to back up with data....(i didn't look into it or anything).

 

He said that the sort of twitterpated, lovey dovey feelings go away after two years, almost always. It is just how we are made. After that then the love being a "choice' really needs to kick in. A lot is hidden in the first few years through our love eyes, you know? But then the reality starts to happen and we begin to see things more clearly. This is when the work gets hard. I do not think the itch thing is a myth, per se. Maybe it is 7 years that people lose hope.....maybe we are waiting for that initial thing to return and when it doesn't we don't know what to do?.

 

Another intresting thing the author said is you basically have two choices after the two year lovey dovey gone thing....

one; you can get out of the realtionship only to re-do the same thing with someone else with the same results.

or two: start the hard work...and understand it will pay off with time and effrort (the second has been my experience and I even get the lovey dovey feeligs for my man...just not all the time, but they have come back and sometimes with a venengance :D!1

 

Now after having said all of that there are certainly excpetions. If there is abuse; verbal, emotional or physical....then the situation is totally different. I don't think anyone should have to stick it out and put the hard work into maintaining a damaging relationship.

 

e

[happypamama]

I also suspect that within about the first seven years or so of a marriage, the most *stuff* happens. Before our seventh wedding anniversary, we had moved four times, bought two houses (and multiple vehicles), sold a house, finished school (DH), started five jobs (between the two of us), adopted a cat, and had two children. That's packing a lot into seven years, and I don't think that sort of scenario is terribly uncommon. After a bit, the grand adventure mellows out a bit, and life is more predictable and stable. Maybe for some couples that breeds boredom, or they've been so focused on all the stuff going on that they've neglected to work on their relationship. I don't know. We've had ups and downs, times where we work well together and times where we're a challenge to each other, and I think that can happen whether it's been one year, seven years, or thirty years.

[elegantlion]

I don't believe in it either. I do think at some point before or near seven years your marriage gets "real". Love the Groundhog day analogy. Probably sooner than later you start to be yourself, you don't worry about all those little thing you used to do to make that person fall in love with you (like the best perfume, the nicest dress, shaving your legs, being polite all the time.....). I don't know at seven years we were tired. Ds was two, dh was working all the time, I'd already been through cancer tx, dh had had his own issues. We were living the good, the bad, and the ugly.

 

We weren't out to impress each other anymore. 11 years later we're still not. We're comfortable. We've never strayed, somedays still feel like Groundhog Day, but this is life. I have someone that puts up with, he has someone that puts up with him. We've seen the worst, yet hope for the best, we have to, ds is counting on us.

[freeindeed]

I don't think 7 is a magic number, but marriages go through seasons. I've been married for almost 14 years, and I've learned a lot. There are seasons where I feel passionate love for dh, and then there are seasons where I think "What did I ever see in him?":001_huh::lol: We've gone through major life events together: he adopted my ds5 when we got married, then we had two miscarriages during the first two years of our marriage, then we had two healthy babies (praise God) during the next 2 years. That's a lot of change taking place rather quickly, & we had to learn how to weather those seasons together. Also, we adopted a visually impaired & developmentally delayed little girl from China in Dec. 2009 & then our oldest graduated in 2010 & joined the army & immediately after graduation he headed off to basic training. He is now in Afghanistan. Talk about stressors! I've learned to be honest with dh about what I'm feeling. Communication really is the key. There have been times I've stifled what I was feeling, mostly due to pride, and just sat & stewed & resented dh. But then when I open up & tell him that I'm feeling distant from him, or that I need for him to talk to me more, or I need him to help more around the house, he responds. I've also asked him to be honest with me. And, about the grass is greener.....well, I've come to realize that of course it's NOT. Eventually you'll run into these feelings & issues no matter who your significant other is. Commit to loving your spouse-it's a choice, not a feeling. Try to make time for each other, even if it's only 15 minutes each day. Hang in there!

[kalanamak]

The way you imagine marriage to be is not exactly how it ends up being. So, at this realization, you can decide to make your arrangement work for you, or as some do, you can leave to move on to another decision that may or may not turn out as you imagine.

 

:iagree: If I had to classify the 7 year itch with one word, it would "loneliness".

[I.Dup.]

I think there comes a point in every marriage where it gets real.

 

I agree. For us it happened around, oh, 6 months into our marriage. :001_huh::tongue_smilie:

 

I agree that every marriage has tough seasons where your commitment is really tested. Just hang in there, practice being selfless as (I believe) fighting for our way and our rights is what causes the most trouble and grief (whether it be coming from the husband or wife). Tough times are not the best for big, major negotiations, sometimes you just have to hang in there and be on survival mode.

[Rosie_0801]

I don't suppose I believe in seven year itches either. That sounds as though it only happens for a year, and we've just passed our 9 year anniversary and we're still itching like blazes!

 

What are we doing about it? Arguing and crying a lot, for sure. Following those sessions up with 'debriefs' where we try and figure out what went wrong and what we probably should have done instead. Every now and then there is some kind of break-through and we have something defined to work on/with.

 

I guess it depends why you are itching. Some people itch out of boredom or feeling confined; the whole Groundhog day the others have spoken about. We're itching over incompatible communication techniques. *shrug*

 

Rosie

[justamouse]

I had it bad. He was working long hours, I was staying home with the kids, the 'honeymoon' was over and the hard work of marriage had begun.

 

How do you make it though? You make it through. You stick to your vows, you fill your head and heart with gratitude, you realize that the grass is not greener and you remember that you rmate might not think you're the best thing next to sliced bread, either. Take the time to refresh your memory as to why you walked down the aisle with that person in the first place. Go on dates. Even if it's to the diner for a .50 cent cup of coffee, take that time together.

[Cindy in the NH Woods]

I think that maybe by that time, any personal or marital issues that haven't been resolved or worked at rear their ugly and persistent little heads. :sneaky2: After twenty-four years, dh and my marriage is sweeter than ever. We have just launched our first child, and I have discovered it very interesting to note the comeraderie I feel with dh. Kind of like how I imagine war buddies feel toward one another. But our seventh year actually was full of a lot of challenges. I have often thought how strange that was. :)