amyrjoy Posted June 5, 2011 Share Posted June 5, 2011 (edited) I feel better about it today. Yesterday not so much so probably good I didn't post yesterday. Lol. I love kids..babies...and really wish we could have one more. DH is definitely against it. Breaks my heart. I mean, I've shed many many tears about it. Yes, I have three, I feel very thankful and have great joy over them. Ella probably was a twin, there was something the doctor saw that led him to believe it so, but disappeared in the sonogram. After Ella ihad really bad depression, and missed so much of her little baby life, really. I wish we could try for a girl again. However, being thankful and enjoying my three does not dissipate my very sensitive feelings with this. My sister in law is pregnant with her third now, and there is some weird history between us, and it's hard to explain without me sounding extremely selfish, but my heart just hearts. Don't understand myself with this issue, wanting more, being really upset. I REALLY want another child...and have for a very long time, but I know it would be tough. it probably won't happen. Unless a major change of heart with my husband, who feels he is too old to do the night routine (he is soon to be 40) and we'd definitely have to watch our money even more carefully. I am not mad at him for not wanting another baby. Disappointed, yes, but I know it's not fair to him for me to harbor ill will so I don't. Basically, I just want peace in my heart. I don't want to feel like my family is not as important as my brother and sister in laws. It always feels like a competition with her and it drives me nuts. I am trying, trying, trying, to keep God's peace and truth in my heart, that He loves each of our kids, and our family, and he knows what's best. It's just so hard. I'm too sensitive. I'm tired of crying and being upset. If there are any willing to pray for me, would you? I don't have any close friends on this board so I feel funny asking for prayer but I really do believe in it and take comfort. Thanks for reading my ramblings... Edited June 5, 2011 by amyrjoy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dsmama Posted June 5, 2011 Share Posted June 5, 2011 Yes, I will pray for you. I, too, would like a fourth, and while our circumstances are different, I can relate. I would like to adopt, and my husband is against doing so again. He is fine with three and doesn't want to mess things up (his words). It's good to reach out, to know you are not alone. HUGS. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JudoMom Posted June 5, 2011 Share Posted June 5, 2011 I will pray, and I'm sorry for your hurt :grouphug:. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kamom Posted June 5, 2011 Share Posted June 5, 2011 :grouphug::grouphug: I will pray you can find peace. Infertility has been one of my lifes greatest struggles so I know the pain of wanting more children. May God's grace rest upon you. He cares for you and understands any and all pain we go through. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JessieC Posted June 5, 2011 Share Posted June 5, 2011 I'm sorry this hurts you so much. I'm wondering, why do you feel your family is not as important as your bil and sil's if you don't have another child? Is somebody making you feel this way? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Night Elf Posted June 5, 2011 Share Posted June 5, 2011 You are not alone. I've been in the same situation for 13 years. I went through some very rough years. Now I'm 43 and DH is 53, so the pain is much less. I will never totally get over it though. I absolutely adore my 3 children but I just feel that my family size isn't finished, so I'm always feeling like something is missing. I've even had dreams where I had more children and when I wake up I feel really sad. But it's been a few years since I've had that dream, thank goodness. :grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hana Posted June 5, 2011 Share Posted June 5, 2011 You'll be in my thoughts. Know, too, that you are not alone. My youngest is 8, and every.single.day I long for another and pray to find peace to move one. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CalicoKat Posted June 5, 2011 Share Posted June 5, 2011 I feel better about it today. Yesterday not so much so probably good I didn't post yesterday. Lol. I love kids..babies...and really wish we could have one more. DH is definitely against it. Breaks my heart. I mean, I've shed many many tears about it. Yes, I have three, I feel very thankful and have great joy over them. Ella probably was a twin, there was something the doctor saw that led him to believe it so, but disappeared in the sonogram. After Ella ihad really bad depression, and missed so much of her little baby life, really. I wish we could try for a girl again. However, being thankful and enjoying my three does not dissipate my very sensitive feelings with this. My sister in law is pregnant with her third now, and there is some weird history between us, and it's hard to explain without me sounding extremely selfish, but my heart just hearts. Don't understand myself with this issue, wanting more, being really upset. I REALLY want another child...and have for a very long time, but I know it would be tough. it probably won't happen. Unless a major change of heart with my husband, who feels he is too old to do the night routine (he is soon to be 40) and we'd definitely have to watch our money even more carefully. I am not mad at him for not wanting another baby. Disappointed, yes, but I know it's not fair to him for me to harbor ill will so I don't. Basically, I just want peace in my heart. I don't want to feel like my family is not as important as my brother and sister in laws. It always feels like a competition with her and it drives me nuts. I am trying, trying, trying, to keep God's peace and truth in my heart, that He loves each of our kids, and our family, and he knows what's best. It's just so hard. I'm too sensitive. I'm tired of crying and being upset. If there are any willing to pray for me, would you? I don't have any close friends on this board so I feel funny asking for prayer but I really do believe in it and take comfort. Thanks for reading my ramblings... :grouphug::grouphug: I understand. Today I heard that forgiveness means I have to let go of wanting her to acknowledge & understand how much she has hurt me. Hard when it keeps happening over and over and over at each family get together. Praying for you. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cassy Posted June 5, 2011 Share Posted June 5, 2011 :grouphug: I hear exactly what you're going through, as there is a very similar situation in my own life that I find as confusing, frustrating and inexplicable as you describe (and somewhat shameful too). As another pp said, it's good to reach out. You're not alone, and I will certainly pray for you, my friend. Cassy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Satori Posted June 5, 2011 Share Posted June 5, 2011 :grouphug: I would love more children, but it would require hospitalization with lots of risk which we can't do at this time. We have looked into adoption but I think we're just going to be content with our one little girl for now. I still dream of trying one more time, everyday. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mommy22alyns Posted June 5, 2011 Share Posted June 5, 2011 :grouphug: I'm sorry. I understand how you feel. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
5LittleMonkeys Posted June 5, 2011 Share Posted June 5, 2011 Prayers are with you. I pray you can feel His strength. I pray that you can find peace with whatever He has in store for your family. Let go and put it in His hands. After my last one I was definitely done with babies and dh got a vasectomy. I had a lot of complications during pregnancy and Tara ended up in NICU for 10 days after she was born. Very scary stuff. I decided that it was too risky to try for more and I was satisfied with my decision. However, now that she is getting older I feel the inklings of desire for another one. I know that it isn't going to happen though so pray for God to give me peace and to accept our family size as it is. My friend just found out that she is pregnant with #9 and I have to admit that, although I am so happy for her, I have this feeling of jealousy. I don't know how to explain it but it is almost like I feel, in the back of my head, that she is a better mom than I am because she has more children and because she has left the decision of number of children up to God. I like to believe that even my decision to not have more dc was led by God but I suppose there is enough doubt that is causes these feelings. I try to take comfort in the fact that if He wants our family to be bigger He will find a way. I actually ended up with Tara that way. We were using protection and there was an "equipment malfunction". We have never, never had that happen before; not in 18 years. I don't know if any of this will help or not. I just felt compelled to tell you my story so that you know that the feelings you are having aren't wrong or bad. They are just natural and human. The trick is to not let them consume you and don't bottle them up. Talk about them to those you love, to us, to anyone you feel will listen and offer support and give them over to Him and he will help you sort them out and come to peace. :grouphug: and blessings to you and your family. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wapiti Posted June 5, 2011 Share Posted June 5, 2011 I REALLY want another child...and have for a very long time, but I know it would be tough. it probably won't happen. Unless a major change of heart with my husband, who feels he is too old to do the night routine (he is soon to be 40) and we'd definitely have to watch our money even more carefully. I am not mad at him for not wanting another baby. Disappointed, yes, but I know it's not fair to him for me to harbor ill will so I don't. Basically, I just want peace in my heart. Sending prayers for peace :grouphug: (FWIW, my DH agreed to #4 on the condition that he be exempt from night duty. That's probably the least of the issues for your family, but it can be an easy one to get around.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justamouse Posted June 5, 2011 Share Posted June 5, 2011 :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blakereese Posted June 5, 2011 Share Posted June 5, 2011 I understand exactly how you feel on all counts. I really want a 4th, feel like our family is missing someone, etc....I don't think it will happen for us though. I always have a pinch of sadness/jealousy when someone else tells me they are pregnant and I hate to feel that way. I hope I can also find that peace you are looking for. Just wanted you to know you are not alone. :grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amyrjoy Posted June 6, 2011 Author Share Posted June 6, 2011 Oh, I really thought I was a crazy person for feeling so (shamefully) strongly about this...and your responses has really helped me see I'm not crazy! Thank you so much for your responses- and prayers. Your stories and thoughts have been comforting, and although I hate for others to feel any pain over this issue like me, it is very comforting to know i'm not alone! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
********* Posted June 6, 2011 Share Posted June 6, 2011 Oh, I really thought I was a crazy person for feeling so (shamefully) strongly about this...and your responses has really helped me see I'm not crazy! Thank you so much for your responses- and prayers. Your stories and thoughts have been comforting, and although I hate for others to feel any pain over this issue like me, it is very comforting to know i'm not alone! You are definitely not alone. :grouphug: Dh and I made a decision for me to get my tubes tied with Moose (he was a c-section). We now both regret it; I suspect that I regret it more than dh, as I really, really long for another child. Dh isn't really a 'talker', lol, but has mentioned he wishes we could have more on one or two occasions. But, I just can't justify spending thousands of dollars to have a tubal reversal. So, I tell myself when I get a bit sad, that it's in the Lord's hands. Surely he could make a way if he wanted. Also, dh and I have discussed possibly fostering and/or foster to adopt once the older two children are grown (so in four or so years). I have several friends that have decided to have however many children the Lord blesses their womb with. Two friends have newborns, and another is expecting. I do feel that twinge of jealousy sometimes; I also sometimes feel guilt and shame for the decision we made to close my womb. But those are things I keep giving to the Lord. Who am I to be jealous of another, with all the blessings the Lord has provided in my life! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
myfunnybunch Posted June 6, 2011 Share Posted June 6, 2011 :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: You're definitely not alone. I felt this way for almost 5 years, and most of my friends with whom I am close enough to share this with have felt the same way. I even dreamed about babies. It's gradually gone away. I am now looking for ways to volunteer with new moms so that I can get my baby fix, but I no longer really wish for another one of my own. One thing that helped me was the realization that I missed *my* babies. I still do, deeply. I love the little men and young women they've become, but I miss their little heads and their baby smell. Once I really came to terms with grieving that their babyhood was over, I was able to move on. (Sort of. Now I am all teary. I don't think it ever goes away completely.) :grouphug: Cat Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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