If you are adopted,

[mom2jjka]

I am not adopted, but my parents split up before I was born. I am an only child, and was raised by my mother. She later died, and I'd heard (mistakenly) that my father had died, too. :glare:

 

After I had gotten married, I was doing some genealogy research, and I came across an aunt on my father's side. I contacted her by letter, and unfortunately ( since I assumed my father was dead) I included my phone number.

 

He wasn't dead....and I had opened the biggest can of worms.

He was an alcoholic/drug addict and was very mentally unstable.

He was also a mooch ( to support his habits, I'm sure.)

After several years of stress, and unpleasantness, we moved and changed our phone number and eventually lost contact with him. I am very relieved.

 

But it has left such a bad taste in my mouth, and now I tell anyone who is thinking of contacting long-lost family to first consider hiring a private detective to see if they are truly the type of people you woud WANT to have contact with.

Edited March 8, 2011 by mom2jjka

[knit247]

I would certainly hope that adoptive parents would realize that some kids would have a strong need to know about their biological roots, and that in most cases it's not a reflection on their parenting or their family's stability.

 

I believe that things have changed significantly from the 60s and 70s when some of us were adopted. I know that DSS told my parents to never, ever tell me that I was adopted. They were told not to tell any of their friends either, if it could be helped. My Mom was infertile, and was made to feel ashamed (by society at large, not by family). I don't think that she every really thought about it again until I became pg. My parents were also told that my biological mother was more than likely a wh*re who probably didn't even know who the father was. They were also told that she likely did drugs or abused alcohol. What parent would ever want their precious child exposed to that kind of woman? DSS also said that my biological mother was absolutely, positively not from the area - which could be important down the line when you start thinking about the (albeit slight) possibility of the adopted child unknowingly dating/marrying/having a child with a close relative. They were assured that she had signed papers stating that she would never, ever try to find or contact me - and actually insinuated that she had "an easy time signing the papers".

 

The truth? My biological mother was a cheerleader, dating her high school sweetheart, Cap't. of the football team. She got pg on prom night and my biological father joined the Air Force, promising to return to marry her before I was born. Two weeks before I was born, she received a letter in the mail from him telling her he had met someone else. She already had some clothes, some diapers, and a crib... She never drank. She didn't do drugs. My biological father was her "first" (and I met him shortly after I met her - he confirmed her story 100%). As for signing the papers, she has no idea what she signed, as she says she was crying so hard that she couldn't see. She actually wants to get the papers she signed to somehow "prove" that they are tear-stained. So, she had an intensely difficult time signing... Oh, and my biological mother lived in the very same town that my parents lived in at the time.

 

Please don't be too hard on those adoptive parents that feel protective (or threatened) by their precious children having contact with biological mothers and/or family. The images of the biological families that have been placed in many an adoptive parents' head alone are enough to cut them a little slack.

 

(Tara - this was not directed towards you. Your post just reminded me of several other posts that I have seen with the same sentiments.)

[SweetBean]

Laurie,

 

Thank you for sharing your story, and perspective. I am mom to children by birh as well as by adoption. It is so important that we listen to what adult adoptees have to say.

 

 

To the OP,

 

I don't know where you fit in the adoption triad (adoptee, birthparent, or adoptive parent), but you might want to check out the adoption forums at http://discussion.bethany.org/index.php It is a great place to ask questions.

[msjones]

I was adopted. So was my husband. (So were all of our siblings but one.)

 

My husband has no desire or curiosity whatsoever to have contact with his birth mom. He loves his mom (the one who adopted him), is very close with her, and she's his mom. That's how he sees it and I do, too. She is a wonderful mom and mil.

 

I have been more curious at times, but not curious enough to walk down a road with so many unknowns and so much potential for heartache. I've had enough heartache not to go searching for more. I don't feel any kind of gap in my heart or endless ache about being adopted -- not at all. I don't feel much of anything about it most of the time. It's almost a non-issue in my life.

 

I would like to see a picture of my birth mom. Just because.

 

I would NOT, under any circumstances, want to know a birth story that was horrible-- i.e. rape or incest. That might put me over the edge in a hurry.

[roxanne23]

.

Edited January 4, 2023 by roxanne23

[knit247]

Sometimes, I still question it. I was content not knowing. There isn't much I wouldn't give to "unknow" this about myself. Once you open the door, you can't close it.

 

Although my story is different, I so know what you are talking about. Before my biological mother found me, I rarely thought about being adopted. But now, I think about it almost every day. It is (in part) who I am, and I get angry at the "reminders" that I didn't notice before. I, too was content not knowing...

:grouphug:

Edited March 7, 2011 by FindingLaurie
dumb spelling mistake

[Storm Bay]

To answer the first question, sometimes people who were adopted are afraid of who their birth parent is or their adopted family IS their family so they have no interest.

 

I have two adopted brothers, so this is my background. My mother was open with them and at some point when they were teens told them that if they ever wanted to look for their birth mothers that was okay with her. She didn't tell one of my db's this, but she (as well as my sister, sil & I, but we never told him this) really wanted him to look up his birth mother because it was obvious that this woman really loved my db and had a difficult time giving him up. By the time this db was ready to do so it was too late. She had contacted one place once in search of him (you have to both want the contact to be able to connect). My other db did look up his birth mother, was unpleasantly suprised by many things about her, but found it helped him see how loved he actually was in our family.

 

They acted like it was their job to indoctrinate her into everything she'd missed out on. She left three days early and never came back.

 

I've heard quite a few horror stories from others, too. If I had been adopted, I don't know if I'd want to meet my bio parents or not.

 

This is TERRIBLE!!!!! One of my mother's close friends has been reunited with twins she gave up for adoption when she was 16 who has a great relationship with them and a lot of respect for their birth parents. I just wanted to say that there are postive stories, too.

I would like to just put out a gentile reminder, as an adoptive parent, an adoption attorney, with siblings and nephews who were adopted, that:

 

.

 

If you would not refer to your children in this way: "My daughter is a vaginal birth" or "My son is a c-section," then please don't say that a child "is" adopted or that you know people who "are" adopted.

 

Thanks.

 

Adoption is such a beautiful event. I think when someone says they cringe when people don't use the right words, in this situation, is a shame. No one said anything to be mean or offensive. There is trying to politely educate people to better communicate, and their is trying to shame people to better communicate.

 

Just explain why its better to say was than is.

:iagree: This is probably because in our house it was so open. We didn't dwell on it, but I thnk it's a very special thing and jave always been proud of the fact that my parents adopted my dc. It was shocking to me to learn that not everyone feels that way and how offended people get over this issue.

 

I have to agree. For one, I don't distinguish between my birth child and my 2 adopted children in their presence. But if someone asks me I refer to ds #1 as my birth child (do I say "vaginal birth child"? no. But I do say birth child) and ds#2 and dd as my adopted children. There are no value judgments in those words. They are merely statements of fact.

 

Do I say "is" or "was" adopted? Actually, when someone asks, I usually say, "We adopted Alex from Korea and we adopted Natalie from Malaysia and Kyle is a birth child." I like to specify their countries of origin because I think it is important to help give them that as part of their identity. And honestly, it's just cool! I love having kids from different parts of the world and my kids feel that they are part of a unique and special kind of family!

 

Also, I guess I don't see "adopted" as being such a negative label that I have to be offended or not offended by its use in regards to my children. I am proud of the fact that two of my children are adopted and I am raising them to be proud of their heritage. We don't avoid the word or tippy-toe around it.

 

And if you are easily offended by "is" or "was" then you will have a long row to hoe (as my grandma would say) because people say stupid things all the time or things that they don't mean. You can live life offended or you can let it roll...

[Kate CA]

Depends on the person, really. The adoption of my dd took place when she was older. She remembers her birth family, she remembers living in a series of orphanages, she remembers coming to us and struggling through tough years of family building. She says that she "is adopted." Adoption is an ongoing event in her life, not a past-tense, one-time thing.

 

Tara

 

:grouphug: This is what I was trying to say in my posts. I had a friend like this too and it was very much a present tense thing for her. :grouphug:

[Kate CA]

This post has me genuinely confused.

 

To say that two of my children "are" adopted is grammatically incorrect.

 

If a child of mine demonstrates ignorance with regard to a rule of grammar, then I need to educate her so that she will not make the same mistake in the future. She may choose to violate it again, but she may not choose that the rule should not exist at all.

 

To say that my sister "is" adopted is factually incorrect. Factual errors can and should be corrected. If someone says that I live at 201 North Main, when I actually live at 210 North Main, I can and should let that person know that they made an error, shouldn't I? But that person doesn't have the "right" to decide that I live at 201 North Main.

 

I have a daughter who is Asian. Is it the right of each individual to decide whether to refer to her by a racial slur? What about my five black brothers and sisters? My Indian brother? Can people choose to say those derogatory things because it is the "right" or each individual to decide whether or not racial slurs are socially acceptable?

 

If you were saying something derogatory about an entire class of people, wouldn't you want to know so that you could avoid saying it again? Or would you rather that the people you offended remain silent because it is your "right" to continue to inadvertently make the offensive remark?

 

I wasn't going to continue to respond, but wow. Just...wow. In *no* way did anyone in this thread equate adoption with anything other than a beautiful event; certainly not racism! There are examples given in this thread already of what I was trying to explain - that adoption for some people is a present tense reality and not a one-time event.

 

You are choosing to equate word tense with offense and racism. I will not play that game. I maintain each individual's right to call their own adoption what they wish and to deal with it in the manner they choose.

[Impish]

My dh was adopted.

 

In adoption circles, I'm called 'adoptee lite' b/c I was raised by my mom and stepdad, never seeing my mom's first dh, nor my younger brother.

 

Wolf found some of his siblings. Out of the 6 or 7, he talks to two. The best thing that came from his search was getting to know his Grandfather. Wolf was at the side of his hospital bed when he died.

 

I tracked down his bdad, unfortunately too late. He'd died a few months previously.

 

Wolf is glad he never met his bmom. She died before he started looking...in fact, he delayed his search out of fear of meeting her. He has some pretty intense negative feelings about her, since he, and all but 1 of his sibs was born with FASD.

 

He wanted to find his bdad just so Wolf could tell him that he'd turned out ok, that he was a man his bdad could be proud of.

 

As for me, I met the first dh and my younger brother. I made several trips to attempt to foster a relationship, but I just couldn't.

 

The adoption triad is just so fraught with tension and emotions, generally speaking. I've heard bparents say that if all the adoptee wanted was medical history, forget it.

 

Its tough.

[happyhomemaker25]

This whole thread kind of opened my eyes to all sorts of new stuff.

In my family my brother and I celebrated our adoption day every year. For me it was great because my birthday is 2 days after Christmas buy my adoption was not finalized until May. May is a much better time for a birthday party. LOL

My parents were always very open to any questions we had. They never had any problems telling us if we wanted to find our birth parents it was ok with them. They even offered to help.

I thought about it briefly when different health issues arose in my life, but never set out to do anything about the thoughts.

My mom was about 32 when she had me and unmarried. I was 31 when my first biological daughter was born after years of being infertile. My mom and I talked about that a lot wondering if my BM had the same problems I had and thought she could not get pregnant.

My five adopted children love celebrating their adoption day. We do something special that day and the kids start wondering in January what we will be doing for adoption day in April.

Like me they look on adoption as being a special part of who they are. We all share our story with anyone who will listen.

I have never in my life thought about how to say I'm adopted or my kids are adopted. Never. It is a huge part of who we are. Sometimes we say was other times we say am, I just don't think the way we word it around here is that important to anyone. If someone wants it said a certain way I'm ok with that. It's just not a big deal to us.

If my BM contacted me I don't think it would be the end of the world. Dealing with my kids bios I have learned a lot about boundaries and saying no.

I will say that one of the most special things to me about having my Lily Grace is that finally I can see someone who resembles me. I actually share the same DNA with someone in my life. I never had that before. I was sharing that with my oldest daughter the other day and it really opened her eyes to the blessing of having her two biological sisters with her.

I love the fact that my two boys are biologically brothers and my three older girls are biologically sisters. I'm so happy that they have that.

[Laurie4b]

I think adoptive parents should be mature enough to know that their adult child can have a relationship with the birth parent(s) that does not threaten their own relationship. I don't know any adoptee who thinks of the birth parent as replacing the real parents who are the adoptive parents who raised the child.

 

I have a friend who was adopted who desperately wanted to know his birth parents, but his adoptive parents made it clear that they would be "hurt."

HE was the one who had to deal with the pain.

 

As soon as his adoptive parents died, he went searching and has a very special relationship with his birth mother. His adoptive parents prevented this his adult whole life by guilting him over how they would feel. That was not love; it was selfishness. The adoptee should be able to make the decision knowing that his real parents will support him and love him.

Edited March 8, 2011 by Laurie4b

[Suzybearybake]

I was adopted at birth ,but was not aware of it until my 30's when my adopted mom passed away. I needed to to meet my birth mom for closure. I had so many unanswered questions and felt that there was this huge hole in my being. I couldn't really know me until I found out where I came from and who I was. I felt that I was living a lie. I even had my ethnic background wrong. I grew up thinking I was Italian and later found out that I am Native American. Meeting my birth family was an emotional roller coaster. They are all dysfunctional on many levels and I had to learn the hard way that a relationship was not possible. That being said, if I could do it over again I would still meet them. I would want to do it with the emotional support of my TRUE family. If I didn't I would always wonder what if and would never have the closure necessary to finally close the book on that chapter of my life.

[nono]

I think adoptive parents should be mature enough to know that their adult child can have a relationship with the birth parent(s) that does not threaten their own relationship. I don't know any adoptee who thinks of the birth parent as replacing the real parents who are the adoptive parents who raised the child.

 

I have a friend who was adopted who desperately wanted to know his birth parents, but his adoptive parents made it clear that they would be "hurt."

HE was the one who had to deal with the pain.

 

As soon as his adoptive parents died, he went searching and has a very special relationship with his birth mother. His adoptive parents prevented this his adult whole life by guilting him over how they would feel. That was not love; it was selfishness. The adoptee should be able to make the decision knowing that his real parents will support him and love him.

 

:iagree: Wholeheartedly. An adoptive parent should be doing so simply to give, not to get. And it makes me batty when the adoptive parents get a mindset of "deserving" anything.

 

As as adoptive Mom, no matter what heartache my children could ever possibly serve up, I have been given the greatest gift in the world: day in and day out with my children, experiencing their lives. It is my duty to them to be strong, and their rock, for whatever life may deal to them.

[Haiku]

An adoptive parent should be doing so simply to give, not to get.

 

I adopted older children from orphanages, but I disagree with this idea. People see my kids, who are obviously adopted (different race from dh and me) and have health problems and are all prepared to go into "adoptive-parents-as-saints" mode (if they aren't prepared to launch into "I-could-never-love-an-adopted-child-like-my-own" mode). I really, really hate that idea. I am not a saint. My dh and I chose to adopt because a) we wanted children and b) we knew there were children who were living without parents. We adopted for both reasons. We didn't adopt only to give. We adopted to get. We adopted for the same reasons that people have bio children: to experiences the joys of parenting and children. That's a HUGE "get." Yes, it involves "give," but no parent should be made to feel guilty about wanting to "get" something from parenting, either via birth or adoption.

 

That said, I completely agree with this:

 

I think adoptive parents should be mature enough to know that their adult child can have a relationship with the birth parent(s) that does not threaten their own relationship.

 

The desire to find birthparents or information about them is, to me, a wholly separate issues from the relationship an adoptee has to their (adopted) family.

 

Tara

Tara

[nono]

I adopted older children from orphanages, but I disagree with this idea. People see my kids, who are obviously adopted (different race from dh and me) and have health problems and are all prepared to go into "adoptive-parents-as-saints" mode (if they aren't prepared to launch into "I-could-never-love-an-adopted-child-like-my-own" mode). I really, really hate that idea. I am not a saint. My dh and I chose to adopt because a) we wanted children and b) we knew there were children who were living without parents. We adopted for both reasons. We didn't adopt only to give. We adopted to get. We adopted for the same reasons that people have bio children: to experiences the joys of parenting and children. That's a HUGE "get." Yes, it involves "give," but no parent should be made to feel guilty about wanting to "get" something from parenting, either via birth or adoption.

 

Tara

Tara

 

Tara, I don't disagree with you. In fact, I believe I said on a daily basis I'm "getting" a whole lot! I was specifically responding to Laurie4b's story and was calling into question the occasional adoptive parent mentality that "I deserve/demand X" which I've experienced personally, and which the story reflected.

 

While I receive tremendously in terms of the relationship with my children, my focus must be one of what I can give, not of what I can demand (probably a more appropriate word), from the situation. It's a question of orientation, not meant to provoke guilt, or sainthood. (I need a peace sign smiley).

 

And to the original question, I think that these issues need to be examined on all sides of the adoption equation.

[jujsky]

Thank you all so much. I appreciate your views and experiences.

 

Addressing Mother Superior's concern. The usage of "am/is/are adopted" is in common use, including by some (most?) of those who are most affected by the action in question. While there may be some who desire to change this, and may have valid reasons for wishing to do so, to declare an accepted, widely used construction as violating a rule, and "wrong," smacks of police action. As pointed out by a pp, for some, an adoption is far more than a one-time event, wholly completed in the past, prior to other past events.

 

I think what Mother Superior means is to be careful when using "adopted" as an adjective (Nathan is my adopted child) instead of an event (We adopted Nathan). That's all she means, and to her defense, I agree with her. I HATE it when people refer to Nathan as my "adopted son," and to Laura as my "real child," and it does happen, always among well-meaning people who don't understand the terminology. His adoption was a (wonderful for us, though probably bitter-sweet for him) event that brought him into our family, and although being adopted is and always will be part of him, it is not the sum total of who he is as a person. The "adopted boy/son/brother/grandchild/friend" shouldn't be his title. I know it sounds small. I know it's just semantics. I also realize that many people who are adopted do take on that label, but that's the thing -- they're taking it on. I don't think it should be put on other people unless they want to think of themselves that way.

[Storm Bay]

I HATE it when people refer to Nathan as my "adopted son," and to Laura as my "real child," and it does happen, always among well-meaning people who don't understand the terminology..

:iagree::iagree:

[In2why]

I am not adopted but I am an adoptive mom. This makes me sad. I would certainly hope that adoptive parents would realize that some kids would have a strong need to know about their biological roots, and that in most cases it's not a reflection on their parenting or their family's stability. One of my children will never be able to find out anything about his/her biological family, period, and it pains that child and me.

 

Tara

 

 

This is how I feel too. It would kill me to find out that my son was curious or wanted to find his birthparents, but that he didn't because he was worried about how I felt. That seems like emotional blackmail and I love and care about my son too much to leave him with that impression. I hope that he knows that no matter what I love him, will always be his mother, and even if he decided to have another mother love him and to love, that it would be worth any insecurity or conflicts I might feel.

 

We are in a closed adoption by the birthmothers choice, but I am so glad that the laws in Virginia allow the adoptee to have their birthrecords as adults, finally. Their right to know their history and records is more vital than anyone else's right to keep them a secret. Adoptees are the only class of citizens who do not always have that right.

[LibraryLover]

edited for tmi

Edited March 9, 2011 by LibraryLover

[Melinda in VT]

We are in a closed adoption by the birthmothers choice, but I am so glad that the laws in Virginia allow the adoptee to have their birthrecords as adults, finally. Their right to know their history and records is more vital than anyone else's right to keep them a secret. Adoptees are the only class of citizens who do not always have that right.

 

Well, the part I bolded isn't true. Parents you live with don't always give you the complete picture. :glare: (Not speaking of my own parents here, but others I have known.)

 

Are adults who were adopted more or less likely to want to hear from non-adopted siblings?

[Impish]

I'll go you one better, jujsky. My MIL adopted Wolf. When we were expecting Tazzie, she thanked me for making Wolf a 'real dad', and her a 'real grandma'. :eek: I ended up hanging up on her, I was so ticked.

 

 

Wolf called her back. He explained that the two children I had brought to the marriage are his, just as being adopted made Wolf her son. She kept going on about being a 'real' grandma, and him finally becoming a 'real' Dad. Wolf got so completely ticked that he demanded to know what we'd been doing for the last year, playing house? It finally got to the point where he told her, "If you're basing this on genetics, you're not related to ANYONE here, let alone being a grandmother."

 

 

It was baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad.

 

 

She still gets her digs in. Comments about 'real' always has me retorting, "What, do they seem imaginary to you?"

 

Of course, I am talking about the same woman who, to this day, introduces him as, "My adopted son, Wolf." She'll launch into his adoption story at the grocery store check out. I know, I've been standing beside her.

 

 

Weird how she never refers to any of my kids as, "My adopted son's children." Its 'my grandson/daughter' We had to put a swift stop to her pointing out Diva as "Wolf's wife's daughter'. *sigh*

[Joker]

I am not adopted but I am an adoptive mom. This makes me sad. I would certainly hope that adoptive parents would realize that some kids would have a strong need to know about their biological roots, and that in most cases it's not a reflection on their parenting or their family's stability. One of my children will never be able to find out anything about his/her biological family, period, and it pains that child and me.

 

Tara

 

I wanted to clarify that it was nothing the parents did to make their children feel this way. In fact, the biological siblings that sought out one brother were welcomed. I've just heard them say that it felt wrong and somehow insulting to their adoptive parents to search. They were all adopted well over 40 years ago as infants and just have no desire to know their biological parents.

[In2why]

Well, the part I bolded isn't true. Parents you live with don't always give you the complete picture. :glare: (Not speaking of my own parents here, but others I have known.)

 

Are adults who were adopted more or less likely to want to hear from non-adopted siblings?

 

 

I can't think of any other citizens that can be denied the right to see their original birth certificate or birth records.

[Melinda in VT]

I can't think of any other citizens that can be denied the right to see their original birth certificate or birth records.

 

I don't disagree with you about that.

 

But mothers don't always list the correct father on the birth certificate. And they aren't always honest with the kids about what happened to the father. And kids don't always know that what they "know" isn't true.

[Year Round Mom]

Sorry, jumping into the conversation late! I just wanted to answer for the OP :)

 

is there any reason you would absoluetly not, for any reason, want to be contacted by a birth parent, assuming a closed adoption?

 

It's not an absolute with me, but because I was adopted from a foreign country, Korea, as an infant, I do not know the language. That cultural barrier makes me hesitate to contact them.

 

If you would want contact under certain circumstances, what are they?

 

I actually was in Korea when I married and got pregnant. I wanted to know my medical history, all of a sudden! I didn't find them before I left. On the other hand, I didn't try hard...

 

I would want to meet them to see what they look like; they had three daughters before me. Often when I was riding the subway in or near Seoul, I would search the faces around me, hoping (and fearing) to see a gal who looked similar...on the other hand, since I grew up in rural, white America, everyone on that subway looked similar!!! :tongue_smilie:

 

I can't really imagine them coming to the States just to meet me...so, if I did meet them, it'd most likely take place in Korea...great food there. I'd go for the food and to meet someone who looked like me...I'd want to know their side of the story and I would want them to know that I was so blessed to be adopted. But I'd want to keep the meeting short 'n' sweet, and to the point.

I don't know if I'd bring my DH (Korean parents, born and raised in the States) and my adorable children because Korean culture is so...frustrating...but that's more than you asked for :D

 

If you are LDS and can answer, that would be appreciated too.

 

I'm not sure if this relates to your question (I'm not LDS), but I am learning to trust God with the mystery surrounding my adoption...I don't get the "why's" but I'm learning to trust "Who" orchestrated my life then and is still in control of it all :)

 

 

[Christy B]

As an adult, I can not think of any reason that I wouldn't want to be contacted. I think before the age of 18, it would have been very disruptive. I'm not sure I could have handled being contacted before that age. (I would have *welcomed* contact; I'm just not sure it would have been healthy for me.)

 

As far as special circumstances, I would want it to be completely private. I would not want my dh, my adoptive mom, or my children to know anything about it. It would need to be strictly between me and my birth parent.

 

I would sacrifice non-vital body parts to have contact with bio siblings. Seriously. There is an ache for siblings that I can not describe. I know that most likely I have two sets of half-siblings that I probably will never meet.

[Year Round Mom]

Oops, the OP's first question was do I want to be contacted, not do I want to contact them...

 

Yes, I'd be willing to be contacted...I have no memory of them, practically zero knowledge about them...I do have a curiosity about their story and what they look like...and I totally would feel in control of the meeting's circumstances (place, length, topics, etc.) without guilt...there's no reason why I would fear/dislike the idea of being contacted.

 

:)