Feeling like such a failure....

[vlgimmelli]

I am feeling like such a failure. Because of my son's defiant behaviors, my husband is seriously having me put my son back in ps. I am so upset and in my heart of hearts believe that homeschool is what he needs, but lately it has been so hard to teach him, since he is not focused, reluctant to do work, and defiant. I feel like such a failure if I place him back in ps. I know that he will not get the education he needs at ps. My husband just keeps telling me that part of his behavior is because he is not being around other kids his age. I do belong to a coop once a week and am registering him in a music program as well. Sorry for complaining, but as I do not have any full support in family and friends, I wanted to post here.

Thanks for listening. Please pray for me.

Thanks

:confused:

[Paisley Hedgehog]

.

[melmichigan]

:grouphug:

[justamouse]

How old is your son?

[vlgimmelli]

He is 11 and will be 12 on June 5.

[Renee in NC]

He is 11 and will be 12 on June 5.

 

:grouphug: Putting him in school isn't likely to affect his defiance in a positive way. Does he have a doctor/therapist? Can they intervene in the situation?

[justamouse]

He is 11 and will be 12 on June 5.

 

:grouphug: Putting him in school isn't likely to affect his defiance in a positive way. Does he have a doctor/therapist? Can they intervene in the situation?

 

that is a very hard age as it is, and I agree with Renee, it won't effect him well. Can you go to counseling?

[vlgimmelli]

My pediatrician suggested we go to a behavioral Therapist and we went twice and he hated it. Also, she is not covered in our insurance and we are waiting to see how much if any we get back from insurance. But we will continue to go to her and see how things work out.

Thanks

[Mission-Driven-Mom]

Could it be relating to anxiety or depression? Is he medicated? Maybe you could seek out assistance from a psychologist (vs. your pediatrician). They are usually covered under the behavarial health section of your insurance. I would think they would be a better resource at shedding some light into the matter and also working with him to cope through his feelings...and medicate if needed....and offer you parenting suggestions for his needs.

 

:grouphug: Hang in there!!!! And keep advocating for him!

[suzziesnowflake]

:grouphug: I have a ds12 and it is a challenge at times. I find that if I change things up we do better. Sometimes I let him pick a topic and learn about it. I know you can't do this with every subject but it does help. I find that I am constantly changing up what we are doing. Mostly science and history. I also take him to the Y on Thurs. if he works for me. Once he missed going because he had a bad attitude all week. I get a much better attitude now that he knows I am serious. Follow your gut, if you think it is the curriculum, change it. Ask him what his intrests are. Talk to him.

Does he want to go back to school?

Have tried looking into what his learning style is? We are looking into this for next year.

[vlgimmelli]

He wants nothing to do with Public School and cries when I tell him that if I am unable to homeschool him because of his behavior and not wanting to listen he will then go back to ps which he gets so upset at, he wants nothing but homeschool.

[PeterPan]

Forgive me for not having read all your other threads, but have you found the CAUSE of his defiant behavior? It seems to me a dc who wants to be home that much and is being challenged to obey probably has a physical problem, a medical problem, getting in the way. And until you deal with the medical problem, I don't see how anything changes.

 

I was just reading some articles on nutritional causes of aggression and other such behaviors. They were discussing it on our apraxia yahoo group, because there's so much overlap between verbal apraxia and autism. Many of the people end up pursuing DAN doctors and DAN protocol. I mean it was even weird stuff like the oxalates in certain foods not digesting properly and causing symptoms.

 

Sounds like your dh is just trying to help. I'd get some new information to change the situation. Men act on information. If he goes to school for two months and it gives you more time to research, it might still work out. Whatever happens, make the best of it.

[Tiramisu]

Forgive me for not having read all your other threads, but have you found the CAUSE of his defiant behavior? It seems to me a dc who wants to be home that much and is being challenged to obey probably has a physical problem, a medical problem, getting in the way. And until you deal with the medical problem, I don't see how anything changes.

 

I was just reading some articles on nutritional causes of aggression and other such behaviors. They were discussing it on our apraxia yahoo group, because there's so much overlap between verbal apraxia and autism. Many of the people end up pursuing DAN doctors and DAN protocol. I mean it was even weird stuff like the oxalates in certain foods not digesting properly and causing symptoms.

 

Sounds like your dh is just trying to help. I'd get some new information to change the situation. Men act on information. If he goes to school for two months and it gives you more time to research, it might still work out. Whatever happens, make the best of it.

 

Elizabeth, please share the titles of the articles you are reading, pretty please. :)

 

To the OP, I agree that you should think about the cause. A few months ago we were struggling with the behavior of one dd. It turned out to be a situational depression that was really improved by sending her to school. Obviously, we would not have done something like that unless we were really desperate and she really wanted it, and after we had looked into every possible explanation. In the end, putting her in school was a kind of test to see if her problem was situational or if there was an organic reason. KWIM?

[vlgimmelli]

NJKelli,

 

So you put your child back to ps? We are looking and I will be researching more on the cause and also reading up on the DAN protocol. Thanks for your thoughts.

[Tiramisu]

NJKelli,

 

So you put your child back to ps? We are looking and I will be researching more on the cause and also reading up on the DAN protocol. Thanks for your thoughts.

 

Yes, one at ps, three at home. And, sadly, or not, life is much better all around. However, I am definitely not encouraging you in this direction. This worked for us only because dd wanted it, I felt we had done what we could otherwise, and I was able to face and deal with my issues with our neighborhood ps.

 

(It did help that the previous superintendent, curriculum supervisor, and principal retired because I really thought that crew was pursuing their own interests and out to corrupt the morals of our youth at taxpayers expense. So, now you see my true colors. ;))

 

I will take it year by year and see how it goes. Ideally, I would have her home.

 

BTW, the testing did pick up a potential medical issue. It's not something we can do anything about, though, except watch it. If I didn't think it were so important to act sooner rather than later with the way things were progressing, I would have tried a dietary approach with dd.

[dsmith]

We have been struggling with defiance with ds12, but have been seeing positive results so far with this book:

 

http://www.amazon.com/Days-Less-Defiant-Child-Breakthrough/dp/1569243018/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1299126751&sr=8-1

 

 

Generally I am turned off by titles that promise something in a certain amount of days, but I decided to give this one a try. I am only on day 4, (not in 4 actual days, though) and it's been a lot calmer around here.

 

I don't know what, if any, diagnoses your son may have but going back to school may or may not be a help. My brother was lucky enough to connect with a psychologist in the school he was sent to for his behavioral issues. It made a world of difference for him! If your son is very reluctant to go back and if PS is used as a threat, it may be a very difficult transition. My son was at a point where he was thinking that going back may be a good idea. He is very unhappy about his defiance and sometimes feels it would be better if we didn't work together. I feel the same way at times. We are always positive about the possibility, and may have a trial run next year. This decision is not based fully on his defiant behavior though.

 

ETA: Many parents have seen behavioral improvement on the Feingold diet. My brother is VERY reactive to red dye (like a Jekyll and Hyde effect!) and we are looking into that for ds now.

Edited March 3, 2011 by dsmith

[vlgimmelli]

I have the book and will give it a try. I am reading another book right now and after that one I will pick the other book. Thanks and good luck.

[elizam]

Same thing happened to my son at that age. He and his dad never had a good relationship. Things got worse and worse and part of the defiance came from ds' depression and anger toward his father, who was abusive and I covered it up. I seriously regret that now, but it's all out in the open now and things are getting better now that I've left.

 

PS did not help. He very quickly identified with the most troubled kids at school, the ones from dysfunctional homes, the ones not liked by teachers or fellow students because of ADHD, bipolar, etc. He quickly found people who could sell him pot and pills and found out those made him feel better and that there were all these other kids who hated school, too, and the remedy for that is to drop out. The schools were all too ready to get kids like this expelled, arrested, and kicked out of school permanently, after all, no hope for kids like that, right?? (sarcastic tone here)

 

He quickly realized that piano and reading large novels like Moby Dick for fun are not considered "cool" by most kids...and that even if people told you how smart you were your whole life, in PS it's all about grades and not acting ADHD and pissing off the teachers, and if you don't play a sport and have money, you can not be in the popular crowd, even if you go to church with some of the, etc. etc. etc.

 

A better relationship with dh and some positive male activities would have been much better for my son than PS!

[KathyBC]

I don't know if this applies, but my (neuro-typical, as far as I know) kids all need a lot of physical exercise. I found when my ds was at the 12yo defiant stage that structured sports worked him far harder than he would work himself, and gave him positive feelings. Just a thought.

[vlgimmelli]

Thank you. I have been thinking of putting him in swimming classes and aso music classes.

Thanks and I will try that also.

[LibraryLover]

I don't know if this applies, but my (neuro-typical, as far as I know) kids all need a lot of physical exercise. I found when my ds was at the 12yo defiant stage that structured sports worked him far harder than he would work himself, and gave him positive feelings. Just a thought.

 

 

Some kids are like puppies...a tired puppy is a good puppy. I hope that doesn't sound rude. I have one who is a little bit 'more' than the others. Physical daily activity is the ticket. If you can't get to a class, can you two talk a long brisk walk, quick run, bike ride (I realize it's winter a lot of places, with ice...not great for biking), or do an xbox of wiiFit dance tape? They can be really fun & silly. Laughing a lot helps (same endorphins release)...start the day with a funny movie or youtube vid?

[HeidiD]

I don't know if this applies, but my (neuro-typical, as far as I know) kids all need a lot of physical exercise. I found when my ds was at the 12yo defiant stage that structured sports worked him far harder than he would work himself, and gave him positive feelings. Just a thought.

 

 

:iagree:

 

And also, earning points toward rewards (and losing points for bad behavior) is another behavioral modification tactic that has led to noticeable improvement around here.

[Mission-Driven-Mom]

Forgive me for not having read all your other threads, but have you found the CAUSE of his defiant behavior? It seems to me a dc who wants to be home that much and is being challenged to obey probably has a physical problem, a medical problem, getting in the way. And until you deal with the medical problem, I don't see how anything changes.

 

I was just reading some articles on nutritional causes of aggression and other such behaviors. They were discussing it on our apraxia yahoo group, because there's so much overlap between verbal apraxia and autism. Many of the people end up pursuing DAN doctors and DAN protocol. I mean it was even weird stuff like the oxalates in certain foods not digesting properly and causing symptoms.

 

Sounds like your dh is just trying to help. I'd get some new information to change the situation. Men act on information. If he goes to school for two months and it gives you more time to research, it might still work out. Whatever happens, make the best of it.

 

I have been mentioning this book and diet like crazy lately in my posts...mainly because I read this book, Healing the New Childhood Epidemic (Autism, ADHD, Allergies, and Asthma) by Dr. Kenneth Bock, and it took me down the DAN approach...IT is the BEST book, IMO. ...he also has a website for his practice with some articles and such... http://www.rhinebeckhealth.com/rhc/

 

Highly recommend the book...FABULOUS read!

 

Also, this approach to getting these little bodies healthy. We have not gone to a DAN doctor b/c we don't have access to one but I did put us the diet(s) recommended and supplements. We have seen tremendous benefits already in my kids (and myself) add/adhd symptoms...in addition, I have lost 12 lbs. over the last month and my ds10 has gained almost 8 lbs. (which is good as he was having digestive issues which are improving and was only 60 lbs.)...and ds8 told me today how much he likes "being on a healthy diet" b/c he feels like he has so much more energy and doesn't feel all groggy anymore :001_smile:. Now don't get me wrong...I believe in seeking help in this process from a professional b/c internal damage from offenders can manifest in very sneeky ways (like behaviors) and it is hard to identify without bio-diagnostic testing. However, needless to say...starting with eliminating food offenders is a great and safe start and is just overall healthy!

[Mission-Driven-Mom]

:iagree:

Some kids are like puppies...a tired puppy is a good puppy. I hope that doesn't sound rude. I have one who is a little bit 'more' than the others. Physical daily activity is the ticket. If you can't get to a class, can you two talk a long brisk walk, quick run, bike ride (I realize it's winter a lot of places, with ice...not great for biking), or do an xbox of wiiFit dance tape? They can be really fun & silly. Laughing a lot helps (same endorphins release)...start the day with a funny movie or youtube vid?

 

We also got my kids a pair of baby guinea pigs. This has helped my ds10 the most....he is my dyslexic and tends to get emotional and battle me. His attitude has improved so much...with the diet changes and yes, he NEEDS physical exercise everyday or he acts up...but also the pets are VERY therapeutic for him! It's amazing.