Question for mom with large families (also posted on K-8 board)

[kristinannie]

I have three beautiful kids. I had to beg DH for the third child. I just felt like I definitely hadn't completed my family. Since I knew he didn't want a third child (although he is completely in love with DS and always has been), I just assumed I couldn't have any more kids. I am starting to have those feelings again about wanting to have another child. DH's family is totally against me having any more kids. They were openly hostile when they found out I was pregnant for the third time (although they love DS). I think his mom is a little jealous since she could only have two kids due to health reasons (also the reason why she was so hostile towards me breastfeeding).

 

Anyway, as a practical note. How much more work is it to add a 4th child, especially when it comes to homeschooling. I have a pretty organized system in place now (it became necessary to me to get a good schedule once we had the third baby). I haven't started HSing yet (we are starting in July for real although we are definitely doing some HSing right now during afternoons and snow days). It seems to me that my level of chaos is maxed out and adding another baby won't really mess things up too badly (aside from the morning sickness and the first couple of months after we have the baby). Our lives really didn't change much after we had the third. I want to have the facts so I can talk about this with DH. The other day, he was holding DS9months and said, "I could totally do this again." It gave me a glimmer of hope....

 

 

BTW, what is the correlation between people with large families and those that HS? It seems like there are a lot of large families HSing. Maybe we are just the type of people who like to live outside the box a little.

 

Sorry this was long and rambling! I appreciate any insight you can offer.

[milovany]

You don't give the ages of your other children, but in my experience while it is pretty challenging in the early years (when kids are under the age of 7-8, say), once they start reaching 11-12/early teens and on, it becomes SO MUCH easier! SOOOOOOOOOOO much easier. I've almost worked myself out of a job (sort of, of course -- and I'll probably be in for a rude awakening when the youngest leaves home). We have seven between the ages of 2 and 17.

[Melissa in Australia]

I found after three, I didn't notice any difference.

I know what it is like to have in-laws hostile to more children. with no4 my MIL asked if I knew about safe s#x. with no5 she said that is bad instead of congratulations when she was told that I was pregnant.

[kristinannie]

My kids are DSalmost 5, DD3 and DS9months. :001_smile:

[RainbowSprinkles]

I found after three, I didn't notice any difference.

I know what it is like to have in-laws hostile to more children. with no4 my MIL asked if I knew about safe s#x. with no5 she said that is bad instead of congratulations when she was told that I was pregnant.

 

My MIL would love to be able to decide for us how much dc we will have too. After our second was born, my SIL (her daughter) found out she was pregnant (with her 5th I think) and MIL said to me not to have any ideas. Then after we found out about 3rd baby, she asked is that good or bad. Now that we are pregnant we our fourth, she hasn't said much. I think she's realizing that the number of children we will have is not up to her which is good. We are going to visit her this summer on our move and I really hope she will keep her opinions to herself.

[RainbowSprinkles]

My kids are DSalmost 5, DD3 and DS9months. :001_smile:

 

 

I think it will get better as they are getting older and have mastered the basics and a more able to do stuff independently.

[mommaduck]

Yep, after three, it's just another to the bunch ;) However, it can be challenging depending on your children's personalities and energy levels. We were spoiled with our first five. The last two have been a bit more and the olders, well, we are now dealing with several in puberty and a couple with middle-child syndrome, on top of very active youngers. We've decided we're done after this one, but we wouldn't trade our large family for the world.

 

 

On large families and homeschooling, there could be a variety of reasons:

1) certain groups that promote large families (or at least no birth control...quiverful) also promote homeschooling.

2) people that like large families also like them enough to have everyone together more (albeit, there are small families that feel this way as well).

3) some large families (like small families) may feel it's easier to give more to their children and know what is going on with their children by homeschooling them instead of sending them off.

4) large families (again, like some smaller families) may actually have children in a variety of schools (we have one that's in private...and another going into private next year...I know of some families that homeschool one, private school another, and public school a third, based on their needs and personalities).

 

 

BTW, we used to get comments a lot also. Sometimes it's the area/culture you are living in (people in the midwest were horrible about making comments). Our families eventually went from "are you done yet?" to "are you pregnant again?" to "so when is the next one due ;)" It helped that my BIL and his wife were having a large family in tandem with us...if we weren't both pregnant, then at least one of us were while the other was nursing. I think my mother just realised that there was a good possibility she would not have grandchildren out of her other children. On my dad's side, I have the largest family, but we come from a line of larger sibling groups.

Edited February 7, 2011 by mommaduck

[kristinannie]

 

 

On large families and homeschooling, there could be a variety of reasons:

1) certain groups that promote large families (or at least no birth control...quiverful) also promote homeschooling.

2) people that like large families also like them enough to have everyone together more (albeit, there are small families that feel this way as well).

3) some large families (like small families) may feel it's easier to give more to their children and know what is going on with their children by homeschooling them instead of sending them off.

4) large families (again, like some smaller families) may actually have children in a variety of schools (we have one that's in private...and another going into private next year...I know of some families that homeschool one, private school another, and public school a third, based on their needs and personalities).

 

 

 

 

I like your insight. :001_smile:

[milovany]

My kids are DSalmost 5, DD3 and DS9months. :001_smile:

 

Well, I hate to encourage you when your dh is probably against it (based on the OP), but you're getting to the age a bit where the oldest would be a huge help and if you start training them with that idea early, they grow into it pretty nicely (at least that's been my experience). If you were to add another one, it would be 1-2 years before it is in your arms -- and by that time the oldest could be getting stuff for you, helping you do some minor cleaning, buckling the toddler in the car, etc. A couple of years after that they're making toast and maybe even fried eggs, getting loads of laundry started, and even changing wet diapers! I rarely make breakfast or lunch, only occasionally make dinner, rarely do laundry, oversee pick up, do some dishes a couple of times a week, etc. My biggest job is planning meals and shopping; then all the bill paying and other similar household management.

[kristinannie]

Well, I hate to encourage you when your dh is probably against it (based on the OP), but you're getting to the age a bit where the oldest would be a huge help and if you start training them with that idea early, they grow into it pretty nicely (at least that's been my experience). If you were to add another one, it would be 1-2 years before it is in your arms -- and by that time the oldest could be getting stuff for you, helping you do some minor cleaning, buckling the toddler in the car, etc. A couple of years after that they're making toast and maybe even fried eggs, getting loads of laundry started, and even changing wet diapers! I rarely make breakfast or lunch, only occasionally make dinner, rarely do laundry, oversee pick up, do some dishes a couple of times a week, etc. My biggest job is planning meals and shopping; then all the bill paying and other similar household management.

 

 

You are right about that. DS5 is very helpful now. He sets the table, gets drinks and snacks for him and his sister, gets me things I need while breastfeeding, babysits the baby (the baby NEVER cries when he is watching him and playing with him...of course I am right there...I don't leave the house, he just keeps him entertained) and sweeps the floors (he loves this). He also is really good at picking up his toys and organizing. DD3 is a total disaster on every front!

[Jean in Newcastle]

If you are wanting to homeschool your kids I would search this forum for "large family homeschooling" (or something like that). I only have two, so I can't speak to it, but there are frequently threads from moms who are having difficulties with schooling kids in the lower elementary ages (who need a lot of help) while dealing with the demands of toddlers and babies too - esp. toddlers. Having said that, I know that other moms have given them good tips on how to handle it.

[alpidarkomama]

I don't 3, 4 or 5 are all that different. :) Smaller increases for sure than what you notice from 0 to 1 and 1 to 2!

[JenniferB]

I think having another child can bring a huge amount of stress to the marriage if it's a point of contention or disagreement between you and hubby. It should be a 110% / 110% decision between the two of you - what I mean by that is that you are both on board with all your might and then some without manipulation or coercing. Each additional child brings a tremendous amount of work, IMHO. Of course I only have 4 kids, so I can't speak to any experience beyond 4 kids. However, I think 4 kids is a tremendous amount of work for both parents. Sorry, that's probably not what you wanted to hear.

 

That said, another child can be a blessing beyond measure to the family, if both parents are fully on board of their own free will.

[Heather in Neverland]

I only have three but going from 2 to 3 was no big deal at all so I can't imagine going to 4 would be that big a deal either.

 

And I am SO SORRY for ALL of you who have had to deal with awful comments from family about your children. I would absolutely freak out if my in-laws said somethng like that to me. :grouphug:

[jld]

Every child was more work, but still a joy. A relaxed attitude towards homeschooling (really, towards everything;)) can be helpful. Mine are 15, 11, 8, 5, 2. I think a 3 year spacing really gives the mom a break, but allows the kids to enjoy playing together.

 

Dh wanted to stop at 4, but I really wanted to try for another girl. We got our fourth boy, and my intestines are falling out (shot abs). So that was my reward for getting my own way.:D

[mysticamethyst]

I have 4 kids and if you are talking about adding one into the mix, that is the easy part or it was for us. Where it becomes an issue is the size of car you MUST have now. Will you be okay with your kids not getting to play all the fun sport/activities that other will because it will be a cost factor? Food will become an issue when those wee ones hit the teen years, my grocery bill makes me sick, I really didn't know kids could eat this much. School was/is interesting when they were younger school didn't get done on lots of day because it was just too much and I would end up yelling or in tears. Lastly, if one gets sick they all get sick and we are down for about 2-3 weeks, which again is problematic with school work. Honestly, if it weren't for this board I'm not sure we would have survived when I look back on it all, lol.

 

With all that being said, if you want another, NONE of that will matter it didn't to me. As far as inlaw, try to ignore them. :glare: This is your family not theirs and if you and dh decided to have another then feel blessed.:grouphug:

 

Oh, and one more thing about 4, I changed diapers for 8 yrs straight. Every time I would get one potty trained another came along and 2 in diapers is expensive and confusing at times. LOL had to put 3 mos. son in 1 yr old son's diaper once, lol too funny.

[journeytolily]

We haven't added our 4th yet - just sending in the adoption paperwork today! But I wanted to say, we too get hassled by my DH's mother. I don't understand it - she has 4 kids!

 

Anyway, when we told her we were going for #3, she was practically hysterical, and throwing out every crazy reason she could think up on why we shouldn't do it. At first, her arguments were that we already had a girl and a boy :confused: Then she added that NO ONE has more than 2 kids these days. She said that having "everything" on poor DH's shoulders would be too much - DH told her that I do every bit as much as he does, as a stay-at-home mom. Oh, and she said it would be hard on them too, since they watch the kids. HELLO....they hardly ever watched the kids (maybe 3-4 times a year), AND they don't HAVE to watch them if it's too much. She was grasping.

 

This time around, she told DH that kids are so expensive - doctor's appointments, food, etc - gee, thanks for telling us, we had no idea!

 

Okay, so...I don't know for sure how things will go adding #4, but my guess is that it will be easy...unless he/she is a difficult baby, and you just never know about that!

 

Veronica

[BlsdMama]

I'd only have another if my DH was not just "on board", but wanted another.

 

Our story:

 

We had DD (before we were married) and my DH was utterly content. One. His perfect number. :D

 

I begged for number two and he agreed, finally. We had a perfect little boy, spaced a very responsible three years apart.

 

Two.

 

Perfect! One boy, one girl, the perfect family. He was DONE! :lol:

 

Then he went off to basic training to pay for all of that college tuition he'd just completed at the ripe old age of 28. Yes, he really did.

 

And missed us so dreadfully much that we conceived number three (planned) when he came home from AIT.

 

Hannah died 12 days after she was born from prematurity. There was no discussion about another child. It wasn't even a remote thought in our heads when we found out we were expecting Elizabeth only a few weeks after we'd buried Hannah!!!!! Elizabeth was an amazing blessing. She kept my mind & body busy in those long months after Hannah died.

 

We left the door open for more. I had religious convictions against using hormonal birth control but was willing (and still am) to use NFP. DH has strong "convictions" against getting snipped, lol.

 

So Rebecca & Tim both joined us in 2004 - no, they aren't twins.

Abigail two years later.

Sarah twenty-one months after that.

Daniella in 2009.

And now this sweet new little one will be eighteen months younger than Ella Pie.

 

I'll tell you a secret. My DH has been "done" at one, at two, at 30, 35, and now he says age 40 is his limit - only a year and a half away. Whew! I'll believe it when I see it. The bear of a man is a big softie when it comes to two year olds. He does NOT like babies so much... Come to think of it, I'm not much of a fan of babies. But, he adores two year olds. And, our dd, Daniella is HIS girl. I honestly believe when we have a child turn three and there isn't a new little one in the offing, he's going to be a big mess. :D

 

Wait, see, patiently being content. You might be surprised what your husband is thinking and not saying. ;)

 

Adding one more does add work. There's no doubt about it. But I can't think of a single one I regret. I've met a lot of people who say, "I wish we had had one more." I haven't yet met someone who said, "Wow, I really wish we could go back and NOT have number five. She was a lot of work." :D It all works itself out. Of course, let's face it, I can fit five more additions in my van, so the day to day logistics aren't too confusing. :)

Edited February 8, 2011 by BlsdMama