Friends who get "more" at Christmas

[Murphy101]

I should note practicality play a big factor in our no replacements rule. We simply cannot afford to do so regardless of reasons for replacement. My son was heartbroken about his ds at 10. But that just isn't an expense we can repeat. We have lots of stuff, but almost all of it is expected to last several years. It's not like we buy every kid a new DSi every year. It has created a strong reminder that funds are limited and that sometimes mistakes literally cost money and if reckless can create a situation of doing without. We don't refuse to replace out of punishment so much as it is simply a fact of life consequence of life on a limited budget.

[Catwoman]

I should note practicality play a big factor in our no replacements rule. We simply cannot afford to do so regardless of reasons for replacement. My son was heartbroken about his ds at 10. But that just isn't an expense we can repeat. We have lots of stuff, but almost all of it is expected to last several years. It's not like we buy every kid a new DSi every year. It has created a strong reminder that funds are limited and that sometimes mistakes literally cost money and if reckless can create a situation of doing without. We don't refuse to replace out of punishment so much as it is simply a fact of life consequence of life on a limited budget.

 

I think that makes a lot of sense. Also, in your case in particular -- you have a lot of kids, and rushing out to replace an expensive item like a DS could set a really bad example for the rest of the kids.

 

Cat

[Murphy101]

I think that makes a lot of sense. Also, in your case in particular -- you have a lot of kids, and rushing out to replace an expensive item like a DS could set a really bad example for the rest of the kids.

 

Cat

 

Or a doll or a batman car or .... ;)

 

For us the responsibility factor isn't monetary based. And the nickel and dime effect of all the "little stuff" adds up and it's import in learning personal finances to make sure they understand that.

[sheryl]

One of my DDs' best friends just stopped by to play. She's newly 7 and a great kid.

 

Well, her parents got her an ipod Touch for Christmas. (I had to google it to make sure I knew what it was... I'm so out of touch :tongue_smilie:) My older DD is 7 and is very influenced by what her friends have. For example, she doesn't really play with dolls, but all of a sudden absolutely NEEDED a Moxie Girl for Christmas (no, I didn't get her one, because she ignores the dolls she already has).

 

So now I'm dreading the "I want an ipod Touch" conversation. We can't afford it and even if we could I wouldn't pony up $200 for any gift right now. She's a kid and can be rough on her toys.

 

I'm just feeling weird about all this. Honestly, we spent $200 on ALL the girls gifts (total, put together) and they've had a blast playing with them (pillow pets, sprayza pens, blendy pens, stuff like that).

 

I'm not sure what the point of this post is. Just thinking out loud, I guess.

 

I'm worried about my kids becoming totally materialistic and wanting things just because their friends have them and they're cool and trendy.

 

Their 10 yo cousin has had an iphone for a couple of years, I think, and older DD wants one of those, too. Ha. You're SEVEN. Get a job, sweetpea, and then we'll talk about an iphone.

 

For the record, I don't really care what other parents buy their kids. It's not my business. I just dread when my DD comes home with a wish list of Cool Stuff that she's not gonna get no matter how much she begs. She wouldn't even KNOW about this stuff if her friends didn't have them. :tongue_smilie:

 

This has gone into full blown rambling, so I'll stop know. If you've read this far, thank you :001_smile:

 

 

Oh, I'm soooooooo with you on this! I agree with your opinions, etc. Every now and then I remember my dd there are people who are:

 

richer

poorer

taller

shorter

 

when compared to her or anyone. The point is someone always has more and someone always has less: money, looks, friends, etc.

 

Society doesn't help by adding to the help. Retailers make most of their profits during this month and are out there selling "Janie" and "Jimmy" everything but the kitchen sink. It's their business and I understand their need to "market". I used to work in retail years ago.

 

But, like you, we are teaching our dd not to focus on the materialistic aspect of Christmas. As believers this is even more important. Sure, we give gifts, but that's NOT the FOCUS. Christ's birth is the focus for us.

 

You've handled it well. Some kids are like that though. Even though we're not raising our dd that way, I'll still hear, "Well G got a BIG screen tv for their family room." Or some other similar statement. We ALWAYS remind her all her friends are in different families and if she'd like to go live with them she can. :D Not really! We tell her no two families are alike and that other families/friends will have things we don't and vice versa.

 

Then.......quickly change the topic. After you've spent the last 30 min shaping your precious dc's values! :lol:

[Nestof3]

Honestly, your daughter will deal with this the rest of her life. There will always be someone with more. You just have to explain that this is what you choose to give based on your finances, your desires, and what you think is best.

 

Adults deal with the same thing. There is always someone with a nicer house, car, clothes, etc. It's just life, and she'll adapt. I do.

 

FWIW -- We've been the ones who give a lot to our kids at Christmas, and I really dread the looks from friends who have a very limited income and ten children to spread it between. It's almost like we're the bad guys who should feel guilty. I've always tried to rejoice when others rejoice, but I've been on the end of scorn for things that should receive a joyful response. Like it's a praise report when someone has a pregnancy to announce, but when we announce that we paid the mortgage, we received very little response, and then one man spoke about how our security should not come from earthly things. ????

Edited December 27, 2010 by nestof3

[Nestof3]

Graduation is a larger event than the birth of Christ?!:svengo:

 

 

 

No, but we don't celebrate Christmas as the birth of Christ. We celebrate it as a fun holiday with feasting, fun and lots of festivities. We are thankful for Christ's birth throughout the year. Not everyone takes the Christmas holiday as a literal celebration of this.

[Impish]

We just tell our dd to be happy for her friend. A good friend will rejoice in her friend's blessings and not be jealous, no matter what the situation. Whether it's more toys, more friends, better clothes, or a car at 16, a house at 22, a husband at 24. It's all good, because every family is different. I actively demonstrate my joy to my dd: I have recently expressed my sincere happiness over a friend who has a new friend in her life. Am I jealous that my friend sometimes mentions her new friend? Heck no! I'm thankful that God brought a good person into my friend's life.

:iagree:

As another poster said, someone will always be smarter, richer, more talented, etc, etc, etc. That's what I teach my kids. Compete against yourself, always, not everyone else. Is it the best you can do? If so, fantastic.

 

This is only the 2nd year that we haven't been on the edge of desperation at Christmas. Last year, we went nuts...simply cause we'd never been able to before. The kids weren't any happier than before, indeed, it was overwhelming for them. This year, we reminded each other when shopping about last year, and kept it under control.

 

And, fwiw, Diva wanted a cell phone a cpl of years ago b/c a friend had one. She was told when she pd the bills, she could get a cell. ;)

[Catwoman]

And, fwiw, Diva wanted a cell phone a cpl of years ago b/c a friend had one. She was told when she pd the bills, she could get a cell. ;)

[/b]

 

:D:D:D

 

My ds got his first cell phone when he was 4. I'm sure a lot of people thought we were crazy, but it's not like he was carrying it around with him all day long, chatting and texting with friends. I got it for him because we spend quite a bit of time in the city, and although we watch him like a hawk, I have always been afraid that he would somehow get separated from us, and figured that if he had the phone, we could stay in touch and find out where he was. I'd have him wear cargo pants and put the phone in the big side pocket.

 

Thankfully, he has never had to use the phone for that reason, but he still carries it with him whenever we're in the city or any place where we could or will be separated. It only costs us about $10 per month, and it's well worth it to us.

 

But again, he's not using the phone for fun or for texting. It's only for calling Mom and Dad. :)

 

Cat

[Impish]

We live in a city. At the time Diva wanted a cell, *we* didn't even have one! :lol: We were given a pay as you go from a friend of mine, and Wolf uses that...but if we hadn't been given one, we still wouldn't have it.

 

We're just not that 'techie' I guess :lol:

[Catwoman]

We're just not that 'techie' I guess :lol:

 

We are geeks. We tried to fight it, but was inevitable. :tongue_smilie:

 

Cat

[cdrumm4448]

Not to highjack, but do you think kids who are given more expensive gifts at younger ages value them? I am curious how many people know children who, even through they did not earn them, really value, care and protect the expensive things they've been given.

 

This is not a judgement of that action. I am curious as to people's real life experiences, not sweeping generalizations.

[Nestof3]

My nine year old wouldn't really understand the difference between us spending $100 on a present and $10. We don't tell our kids how much their gifts cost. I can say my kids don't show more excitement over something just because it cost more.

 

One of Ben's favorite gifts was a Willow Tree figure of a mom holding her standing son up against her thigh. He told me that he sometimes holds it at night to think about me. They also get thrilled about things that cost little -- it just all depends on how much they value the item. I don't think it has much to do with its monetary value.

 

I think kids can appreciate what went into a gift more when they start earning money and having to spend it. I think they can appreciate food more when they have to earn their own money. I've heard people say they will care for something more, but it wasn't true for me, and I haven't seen it be true with ours.

 

I do think that younger children tend to not be as good about remembering not to leave things outside and not to leave things in pockets. I haven't seen this be any different if they spent their own money. I think it is just one of the lackings of a child. I don't think all children are this way. I think they are different. I was a highly organized child who cared meticulously for things. I am still that way.

 

I see adults who don't care for things, and many of them are people with less income than we have. Several of the ladies from church helped clean another church family's house one day. I had the office/bookshelf room. There were dirty socks in between the books, almost all of the books were damaged in some way, I found CDs lying around in boxes with screws and batteries and trash. I found teaching tape and CD sets and never found a complete set. I was aghast at the condition of the house. In the bedrooms, all of the clothes were on the floor, the children had essentially no toys as they play outside and work most of the time (not judging the no toys thing -- I don't think they're crucial), etc. My kids actually said they were tired of going to several of the houses because they were so disgusting and they smelled horrible. They said they didn't take care of their things.

 

 

 

Not to highjack, but do you think kids who are given more expensive gifts at younger ages value them? I am curious how many people know children who, even through they did not earn them, really value, care and protect the expensive things they've been given.

 

This is not a judgement of that action. I am curious as to people's real life experiences, not sweeping generalizations.

[justamouse]

We are geeks. We tried to fight it, but was inevitable. :tongue_smilie:

 

Cat

 

Yeah, we relinquished long ago.

[justamouse]

Not to highjack, but do you think kids who are given more expensive gifts at younger ages value them? I am curious how many people know children who, even through they did not earn them, really value, care and protect the expensive things they've been given.

 

This is not a judgement of that action. I am curious as to people's real life experiences, not sweeping generalizations.

 

It all depends on what you teach them. My kids are blessed with a lot of stuff and they take care of it. Could be their personalities, but we also teach them how to properly take care of what they're entrusted with.

 

I had a 11 yo come over and play the other day--he got a droid (phone) for Christmas. They all went outside and he left his phone on the end table. Someone called. They came back in, he checked the phone and called back--it was his Dad, and he says, "Are you kidding? I'm not putting it in my pocket to play outisde! It may fall out!"

 

My son got an electric guitar and amp for part of his Christmas present. He takes meticulous care of his possessions. We had no problem buying it for him--his respect of the item wouldn't even be questioned.

[Murphy101]

Not to highjack, but do you think kids who are given more expensive gifts at younger ages value them? I am curious how many people know children who, even through they did not earn them, really value, care and protect the expensive things they've been given.

 

This is not a judgement of that action. I am curious as to people's real life experiences, not sweeping generalizations.

 

I have no idea if cost makes a difference. I have worked very hard to teach my kids to take care of everything they own regardless of value. I honestly don't understand this concept of how much an item costs deciding whether it should be cared for or not. I guess I've been poor way too much because my idea of expensive is anything over $30.

 

Kids know what you teach them. My kids know they can't take their DS outside. Actually I've told them they shouldn't take anything outside they wouldn't leave outside or risk getting wet (we have a large koi pond). I repeatedly tell them to put their stuff where it goes as soon as they are done with it. (not near to or close to wherenit goes!)

 

And every so often something happens and they come to me in tears because their favorite action figure is decapitated by the dog or the lawn mower or lost and I just say, "Did you put it where it goes when you were done with it?" and they mumble and walk away.:tongue_smilie:

 

By the time they are 6 or 7 it is fairly cemented in. Even the four year old is fairly good about it.

 

But most people? Regardless of age? Nope. I know very few people who take care of things. Especially things they view as easily replaced. Most people are so disorganized they don't give it much thought or effort at all. Yet another thing dh says would be resolved by necessity if everyone just had another four or five kids.;)

 

Of course I write all that, but I have to admit there's been more cussing from my dh over socks that just about any other item in the house. For reasons that continue to confound us both, my kids can always get their clothes in the hampers and are fairly good about picking up their rooms, but they leave their +€>,**^|~#}% socks all of the dadblum place!!! Where ever it strikes them to remove a sock is where they stuff it. Between the bed and wall. In the bookcase. Around their instruments. On the stairs. In the hall. Inside the laptops. Over doorknobs. Between sofa cushions. It annoys the heck out of me. It might drive dh insane. That man has to have purchased enough socks to supply any moderately sized second world town for a lifetime. That man has become obsessed with correcting whatever mental sock disorder his children have developed. I am staying out of the way.

 

I think every family has something or a couple somethings like that. My childhood friend says it is spoons in her house. Every payday she has to buy a package of cheap spoons because all of hers disappear. She has no idea where. Not the trash. Last time she moved she said they found over two dozen in various places.

 

Another friend says it is books. They no longer use the library because they just cannot keep track of books. Doesn't matter if it's one book or five. They lose them or they get messed up in various ways. All my friends think it's weird that all my books look just like they did the day I bought them. (They should, we treat them like precious fragile treasure.)

 

Rambling now... I'll stop.

[GoVanGogh]

Not to highjack, but do you think kids who are given more expensive gifts at younger ages value them? I am curious how many people know children who, even through they did not earn them, really value, care and protect the expensive things they've been given.

Like others have said, it isn't so much about knowing and understanding the monetary value of an item but knowing that we treat all of our possessions with respect.

 

At a very young age, I trusted my son to know not to throw a toy at the television set or computer monitor. We let our son use our television, which costs more than, say, a hand-held video game. We let our son use the fridge and expect him to not swing on the door or try to climb the shelves. We trust that he will treat all of our possessions with respect.

Teaching children to respect possessions is just a routine part of parenting.

 

Our son wanted to take lessons that involved us buying an expensive musical instrument and shelling out for the lessons. We sat down and talked about what we expected from him (valuing the time and money invested) and he was still interested. He has taken lessons now 1.5 years and continues to love it. Should we have waited until he understood the real monetary investment? I don't think so.

 

Children need to know to respect everything whether it was a gift to them or not.

We had a neighbor girl rip the towel bar off the bathroom wall when she decided to climb up the wall. (Several children were in the bathroom at the time, washing their hands.) She caused a lot of damage to the wall. Should she have known better? I thought so. But now she does. She learned a very valuable lesson that day.

Likewise, we had a friend that was visiting and she decided to climb our son's bookcase to get something at the very top. Thankfully, the bookcase was secured to the wall - but she knocked something off and it landed on something else and broke it. Should she have known better? I thought so.

But things do happen. Some children never think to climb up a towel bar. Others need to do it to learn that it shouldn't be done. :tongue_smilie: It is all part of parenting.

[Irene Lynn]

You've misunderstood my intent in starting this thread. I'm not judging anyone. I'm trying to work through how to raise a non-materialistic kid in a very materialistic neighborhood and extended family.

 

How can I raise my daughter differently than our neighbors and family members without screwing her up for life and breeding resentment in her heart??? I've appreciated the many helpful comments and bits of advice about that in this thread.

 

Like I said before, I like the neighbor girl and her parents. And, for the record, she wasn't bragging about the ipod, she was just excited and happy to show it to DD.

 

I haven't read everything on this thread, but I do have some rambling thoughts. I will try to make them look like they are organized by numbering them. :lol:

 

1. Anecdotal - I grew up quite poor. I did understand that we did not have much money and that is just the way it was. Yes, I wanted more, but I also knew it wasn't happening. I remember the Christmas when I was about 7, the item that I wanted the most was a rubber alligator. I really wanted one with a tootsie roll in its mouth, too. My grandmother actually gave that to me wrapped inside a pretty towel that she had pulled from her overstocked linen closet. I was trying to be thankful for that towel, but it was a little hard for a 7 year old to do. The funny thing is that we used that towel for years for the company towel, because it was nicer than any other towel we had. I still have it to clean up messes 37 years later. Our stockings were tiny and didn't stretch and we didn't have any until we were older. My sister and I filled each other's stockings with a few little candies. I received very few gifts through my childhood that were not second hand.

 

2. Letting our children see those who have less than them can help them to be thankful for the extra blessings that they have, so they don't take it for granted. And asking how they would want those with less to view them might be an interesting conversation.

 

3. I would think that a regular reminder that gifts are not a about getting, but rather a way of offering a blessing/love to someone else. Greediness disregards the feelings of those who actually gave you something. So it is not about the amount, but about the attitudes and desires of those involved. The gift is just the frosting on top. Sometimes the frosting isn't what we really wanted, but if someone offered something freely as a gift the kindness is the biggest gift of all and that can always be received with a happy heart.

 

Okay, that is all I have right now. I need to get ready for my niece to come for a visit. :001_smile:

[ColoradoMom]

One of Ben's favorite gifts was a Willow Tree figure of a mom holding her standing son up against her thigh. He told me that he sometimes holds it at night to think about me. They also get thrilled about things that cost little -- it just all depends on how much they value the item. I don't think it has much to do with its monetary value.

 

 

 

That is so sweet!

 

I think it is a mistake to give younger children expensive items.

 

We went through a period of time - several years ago as my youngest was just entering school-age and my oldest was just becoming a teenager - where we were very VERY poor.

 

But you know what we always found a way to have fun. And we still talk about our trips to the dollar store to get toys (they would each get 3 or 4 things) and our few and far between trips to Wendy's for the dollar menu hamburgers and fries. We REALLY appreciated what we had.

 

I think those days when we were poor created much of the true character of who we are today and although I never want to be that poor again - I appreciate the experience and what it taught me.

 

My kid DO get expensive stuff now and I tend to spend quite a bit on presents for Christmas but part of that is because the older they get the more expensive the items become. The other part is because I want them to have very good Christmases to balance out the ones where we had very little. To create memories of being "satisfied" instead of "hungry" if you know what I mean.

 

That being said - I plan for Christmas in July or August so I can afford to spend so much. It's not like I have all that money in December.