s/o on too old to have babies

[mommyoftwinboys]

I read that thread and mostly noted age differences. I'm pregnant now and have twins that will be 9 when the baby is born. I noticed several posters say it felt like two separate families...I'll be honest..that scares me tremendously!! I want us all to feel like one close family not separate...I'm really scared now...

How can I make it so we are all super close not separate? Please help!!

[JenC3]

I did not read the thread, but my siblings are 9 & 6 yrs younger and it was like 2 separate families and still is. I do attribute part of this to my parents not cultivating sibling bonds. I think it is also personality of the children. I read recently that only 20 percent of siblings are alike personality wise.

[fairytalemama]

I think it depends on a lot of factors. My oldest sister is 19 years older than my youngest sister. They are not close at all. On the other hand, I am quite close (i.e. talk on the phone with at least once a week since we live far apart) to my sister who is 8 years older than me, my sister who is 5 years younger than me, and my sister who is 8 years younger than me.

 

I think the best thing to do is to make sure that most activities your family does involves all the members. As your baby gets older, try to get your older children to act as mentors to the little one. One of my fondest memories of my older sister Lisa (the one who is 8 years older than me) is the day she came to my school when I was in first grade to ride me home on the handlebars of her bike. Granted, probably not the safest thing to do, but it was the coolest thing ever to introduce my big sister who went to (wait for it) HIGH SCHOOL to all my friends and my teacher.

 

Be aware that the age difference will be evident for a long time and they may not be super close as kids. It's so great now that it has pretty much all evened out now that we're adults.

[Amy loves Bud]

My siblings are 67, 65, 59, 57, 55, and 53. I am 43. We are all quite close, except for my brother, 65, who was raised with his mom and not with us. They did have a very different life because my dad was AF and retired the year before I was born. But we are definitely one family. I loved it growing up and I love it now, though I do wish my kids had cousins closer in age.

 

You can see the ages of my children. Romy is very popular with her brother and sister and their friends. Again, we're definitely one family.

 

And let me tell you that, as a mom, there is not one thing more precious than watching your older child love on that baby. It is the sweetest thing. Enjoy every minute, and don't worry for a second!

[~Jo]

Mine are pretty spread out. My oldest is 20 (dd) and my youngest is 7 (dd). In between I have a 14 yo ds (although he will be 15 at the end of this month) and an 11 yo ds. They are all pretty close.

 

The biggest bickering goes on between the 20 yo and the almost 15 yo. They like to pick on each other and they are both pretty much to blame for it. :D My 20 yo dd is starting to really try and cultivate more of a relationship with her 11 yo sister. She took her shopping all day long yesterday - they had lunch and made memories.

 

We talk about keeping our relationships close...and how to do that. Especially with the older ones.

 

Ironically my 20 yo is probably closest to the 7 yo. My youngest is quite the character - she keeps us all in stitches half the time.

 

I also agree with the older mentoring the younger...it really does help with the relationships.

[~Jo]

And let me tell you that, as a mom, there is not one thing more precious than watching your older child love on that baby. It is the sweetest thing. Enjoy every minute, and don't worry for a second!

 

:iagree:

[katemary63]

My kids, DD25, DS24, DD19, DD9 are all very close. The older ones adore DD9 and I can't imagine that changing. They are intimately involved in her life. They come to her events. As a family, we have traditions, we eat together often, each kid always buys each kid gifts for Bdays and Christmas. We are all very close. DS has his own issues and is a bit less close to the girls then they are to each other, but that has nothing to do with age. We all still adore him. He loves us. All my girls are forever sisters. They spend time together and care for one another. I'm sure it will be lifelong.

[CLHCO]

My sisters were 8 & 9 years younger than I am and we were like two separate families. I think my mother acted like it too, so that's probably why it was like that. I was caught up in peers, media, and my own life/desires, she was ok with that because... not sure how to make this sound like I'm bitter 'cause I'm not, but she loved having the little ones and cultivated her time with them. She and I didn't get along back then, so there got to be some us vs. them. Much of it was simply due to the lack of relationship living going on due to a common tendency to have preteens/teens with their lives, parents with theirs, and never the two shall meet.

 

On the flip side, my twins are 11 years older than their younger sister, six years older than their brother. I can't say they hang out with her as much as with one another, because she's five and a pest, and many twins are joined at the hip with less time for others in the world. However, they interact with her every day on a regular basis, something far removed from my life with my younger sisters. They squabble like normal siblings, let her oooo and aaaah over their old dolls, baby sit her gladly, etc. It doesn't feel anything like two separate families here. In fact, it's night and day from my experience growing up. :)

[dirty ethel rackham]

Having been on the bottom half of a large age spread, I think the more you do to have siblings respect each other and treat each other as precious gifts, the closer they will be. My siblings saw me more as a pest than anything else. They were out of the house when I was in junior high. I wish my mom had encouraged my older siblings to see me as a person, even as I got older. None of my siblings ever cared that it was my birthday or that I graduated high school. Heck, I didn't even get a card for my college graduation. I think my parents could have done more to keep us all in touch. It took me being 46 years old and making the decision to put my mom in hospice care for my siblings to finally see me as an adult.

[HomeschoolingMy4]

The birth order book will tell you that if there's more than a 5 yr gap, your new baby will be another "oldest" or "only" but since you're having twins, it'd be a bit different anyhow. To be honest, it'll be different between your twins than it will between your older child and the twins, even if they were 2 yrs apart.

 

My older sister is 6 yrs older than me and my younger sisters (twins) are 2.5 yrs younger. They have a special bond and are truly best friends. I never got along well with my older sister, she's my half sister and I always, always said that I'd never have kids more than 5 yrs apart so it wouldn't be like that with my kids but when my youngest was born 3 months after my oldest turned 7, I found it to be totally different. They're really close! I think it's more that my sister always separated herself from us (and still does).

 

I promise it'll be great!!! We deeply desire another child and even if I got pregnant today, my kids would be 14, 10, 8 (maybe 9), and 6 (almost 7) and I have no fears. :)

[ktgrok]

My son is 11 years old and my daughter is 10 months old. They are incredibly close. He is her favorite person in the world, and he adores her. I can't wait to see how the relationship grows.

 

Just wanted to reassure you!

[Guest Cheryl in SoCal]

My kids are 16 1/2, 15, 7, 4 and 2 3/4. Our gap is because we thought we were done but God had other plans so they all live full time in the same house with the same parents. Just thought I'd throw that in because I do think living together full time makes a difference. My kids are all very close despite age differences. Actually, they are closer than I was with my siblings despite the fact that the 4 of us were only 2 years apart. I think one of the big differences is that my siblings and I all went to public school but my children are all homeschooled. Once we entered school the focus went from family to friends and I believe that had a big impact on our closeness as a family. That doesn't happen with my kids because the bulk of their time is spent with each other. My other children are very involved with our homeschool ASB (Associated Student Body) but they aren't away from their siblings all day every week day like I was when I was in school (and much of the weekend because we often spent the night at friends' houses), and their friends families are pretty much just like ours so nobody is berated/etc for "playing" with their younger siblings. I don't think that's always the case but it's the biggest difference I see in my family vs. my family as a child.

[Pretty in Pink]

My sister and I are 8 years apart. I love her to pieces and have never, for a moment, felt that we were from 'different families' or anything like that. I loved her from the first moment I saw her.

[mommyoftwinboys]

Thank you so much for all the wonderful replies so far..please keep it coming..it really helps my emotional rollercoaster (-:

[MamaSheep]

I enjoyed my siblings who are much younger than me. And I think that helping Mom with them helped me feel pretty confident about parenthood for myself. I had already bathed newborns and knew how to swaddle and diaper long before I had babies of my own. In some ways it is almost like two different families, but that's not all bad.

[Ravin]

My mom has had sort of 3 eras of children in her home. There's me, biosisters, and foster sister J. Then, there are the foster kids she and stepdad took in after we were all grown and out, some of whom are close with my sisters (D and J) who stayed in town, some who are just still in touch with mom now that they've aged out of the system. Then, there are the little ones, who mom and stepdad are adopting. They're definitely in the "like a second family" category, as they are 2 and 3 yo. now (the pair are bio sibs and have been with my parents since coming home from the hospital in one case and just a few weeks old in the other).

 

I think it depends on personalities, age gap, and family culture, how close siblings will be

[Tarreymere]

You can see the ages of my kids. My 24 yr old and my 7 year old are really close. They call each other and talk on the phone........My 14 yr old could live alone in space for the rest of his life and be perfectly happy, everyone annoys him. My 11 year old and my 23 year old like to spend time together, but the 7 year old annoys them. It does seem to be more a matter of personal temperament than age. The other 24 yr old and the 26 year old have kids around the age of my 7 yr old, but they treat my 7 year old exactly like a sister rather than acting like a mom to her, even annoying her and arguing with her. It is pretty funny to watch them regress back down to kids trying to annoy each other.

[Crimson Wife]

DH was 12 and his sister was 9 when DH's brother was born. DH's sister and brother are very close to each other but neither are super-close to DH. Personality trumps the age difference. DH's brother and sister have similar personalities- very outgoing, not at all bookish (though both are plenty bright), heavy drinkers, sports nuts, etc. They go hang out at sports bars with her fiance and his girlfriend pretty much every weekend. DH gets along okay with his brother & sister but doesn't have very much in common with them. He is an introvert, a huge bookworm, and much prefers having intellectual debates to drinking beer & discussing sports.

[Hannah C.]

I'm the oldest of nine..the youngest two are 14 and 19 years younger than me. The youngest will be only 2 and a half years older than my own child!

 

I don't spend very much time with the younger ones, this is true. However, so far with the ones closer to my age, as they've gotten into their mid-teens they've become my friends as opposed to just my sisters. I think this will happen with the younger ones too. :)

 

Also, all of us kids share things, like certain movies, or certain jokes that no one else would get, regardless of age. (Well, the 2 year old doesn't really get them. But that's because she's 2.) I don't feel like there are "two families" or anything of the sort, even with baby being so much younger than me. There is a lot of difference, but there's still plenty of commonality, too.

 

With the siblings who are 8 and 9 years younger than me, I don't spend much time with them now...but that's because they are 13 and 12, and I am 21. I think as they get older I'll be likely to spend more time with them. And several times I've done things with the 12yo down, which were a lot of fun!

Edited December 8, 2010 by Hannah C.

[nd293]

Mine are 6yrs apart. I definitely don't think of us as "separate families", but on the other hand, the overlap between interests and activities is not there, and I think that does have some impact on closeness. I am also aware that ds may spent a large part of his teen years as the only child in the family. Whether he and dd will continue to be close during that time remains to be seen, I suppose. Honestly, if she moves away to university ("away" in respect to where we live would be a 5hr flight away - we have the dubious distinction of living in one of the most isolated cities on the planet) at 18yrs, then it is hard not to imagine that they will effectively be "separate families".

 

Personality is the key issue, though - my sister and I are 3yrs apart, but not close at all.

[cathmom]

Homeschool! When you homeschool, even very differently aged dc spend time together and hopefully form close bonds.

[mom4him]

I read that thread and mostly noted age differences. I'm pregnant now and have twins that will be 9 when the baby is born. I noticed several posters say it felt like two separate families...I'll be honest..that scares me tremendously!! I want us all to feel like one close family not separate...I'm really scared now...

How can I make it so we are all super close not separate? Please help!!

I was the youngest of 9 children, 8 yrs between myself and the next child. When I was little most of my siblings were gone. Just the two that were next older were still at home. It wasn't until I was about 13 or 14 but I became very close with my next older sister and as an adult the oldest of us three younger and I became very close, were so until she passed away.

 

Fast forward to now. My two younger are 10 and 11. My oldest is 42. He still lives with us as he is in a wheel chair. I would say they are quite close but probably more like an uncle then the close you would find in brother and sister close.

 

There is a separation in age but what you and your husband do with that can make a world of difference. Is your 9 yr old excited about the new addition? Be sure you allow her/him to be a part as much as possible from now through the birth to bonding afterward. I am sure you won't but just a warning, don't make the older one the live in. That can really foster resentment.

 

You will do great. Enjoy!

[Laurie4b]

I am 10 1/2 years older than my youngest sister. We were very close growing up. When I went to college, it really affected her, but I never thought about it and she didn't really tell anyone. My parents' divorce and my father's subsequent remarriage to a woman with sons nearer my sister's age did make a big negative impact on our closeness. Their blended family did not include my other sister and I because we had adult lives when they married and lived in other states. My youngest sister bonded with the step-brothers and is now closer to them by far than to either me or my other sister. That is very sad to me, but it's an effect of divorce, remarriage, and blended families, not the age.

[Wheres Toto]

And let me tell you that, as a mom, there is not one thing more precious than watching your older child love on that baby. It is the sweetest thing. Enjoy every minute, and don't worry for a second!

:iagree:

My Wordless Wednesday this week is pictures of my oldest with her younger siblings.

 

One thing I did to try and build a relationship rather than resentment is not force my oldest to always babysit/take care of the littles. She does babysit but we let her know when we need her, we pay her (more like an allowance) and we make sure to do fun things as a family (zoo, etc.). The younger siblings were a big change for her since she was my only for 11 years plus the youngers were due to a remarriage/gaining a stepparent. Lots of room for resentment there but it's been wonderful. She loves showing off her younger siblings to her friends.

[cherylw]

I will add on here too. I am the product of "separate" families..the middle of 5; brother 41, sister 40, 36 (me), brother 35, and sister 20. We all have very different personalities which I think is a huge factor in closeness. I was 16 when my sister was born and we were close, but I was like a sister and mama #2 to her. She was devastated when I left home..she was 6. The older 2 had been gone since she was 6months, so they are more like aunts and uncles. We grew apart as she got older and became heavily involved in sports. But basically she is an only child and raised like one. Mama said she would have had another one if she had been younger. Us older one get to say "We never got to do that!" Her curfew for prom night was 1:00 A.M.! Mine...11:00! Yes, I'm a little bitter about that one:glare:, but all in all were are a fairly close family but not as tight as some...meaning that we don't see each other all the time. Right now we have gotten closer because sister 41 is getting divorced. There are two sisters where I go to church and they have an extremely close relationship and I am a little jealous of that.

I agree with those too that say how you treat the family as a whole would help cultivate the relationship between siblings. I can tell a difference this year since bringing the boys home from PS, that they have gotten much closer. They rarely fight and get along great and always have. But I can see a time where they will definitely have their own separate friends because they are so different.

[katemary63]

I loved her from the first moment I saw her.

 

Awwww. How sweet for your mother! (That's how I see everything - from the mother's point of view. :D)