I need some sympathy, please.

[Aubrey]

This is long, so bear w/ me. Mil called last night. Fil has worked 80-90 hrs/wk their whole marriage. Dh's main life goal when we married was not to be his dad, lol.

 

So since seminary, life has been pretty yucky, y'all know. Mil called last night to tell me about how hard life was w/ fil. She sets up the whole conversation like she knows how hard it is, but she's really proud of us, loves us, is here for us. But instead of ending that way, she basically said, "BUT it won't kill you." She went on to say that dh needs to work *more* hours. "If he has to work till 8 or 9 at night, you know, you just do what you've got to do. If he has to work Saturdays, well, that's what [fil] has always done. And I was bitter for a lot of years, but I think you need to learn to be grateful to him for doing what HE thinks he needs to do."

 

This may seem reasonable to you, but let me give you context. Dh hasn't worked less than 60hrs/wk in as long as I can remember. I'd say a normal week is about 75 hrs. Once or twice a week, he works overnight. He's taking 9 grad hrs online. And basically, fil doesn't think dh is working enough, so mil agreed to call *me.*

 

She's a great lady, really. She loves us dearly. She & fil are *very* supportive. They just genuinely don't get it. They won't ever. And I'm ok w/ that most of the time. When she says something, though, it tears me up because I do care very deeply what she thinks & wish, wish, wish she could understand our choices & at least respect the sacrifices we make if not agree w/ them.

 

But when we were thinking about going to Malaysia, the thing that mattered most to her was that the kids would finally be in a real school. :glare: Iow, the undercurrent to everything is that we should be making more $, & if I were working, we would be. It would be complicated to explain, but that is a big part of the problem they have w/ our lifestyle.

 

Anyway. Dh's job is pretty stinky. It's high-security delivery, & he gets paid by the job, not the hour, so he can work 15 hrs & make anywhere from $50 to $300. They make him pay for all sorts of things out of that $, & they recently added uniforms to the expense list AND cut the pay. When an order has problems, dh has to sit there & babysit it, even if he's supposed to be coming home. They sort-of pay for this, but the point is, he can't leave it, can't hand it off to someone else, etc. This happens often enough, & the guys above him aren't even polite about it. Their drivers are not people, kwim? Several of them will cuss the drivers out in front of clients.

 

Dh is very cool-tempered & great w/ people, so he handles all of this really well. They mess up an order & he has to drive it an hour back to where it came from, coming home 2-3 hrs late? Stinks, but he does it, kwim? (And some jobs *pay* for this kind of availability; this is different.)

 

Anyway, one of the few good things about this job w/out benefits is that when things like this happen, he has had some choices: if it's late enough, he can just stay, keep working, & then quit early the following day, etc. He decides how much $ he needs to make & works longer or shorter as nec. He tries to make up family time when he can, as needed, etc. But w/ the expense of the move, he's been mostly just working lately, kwim?

 

So they changed the rules at his co. They want drivers to declare available hours, & if they're going to be unavailable, they have to give 3 days' notice. The drivers aren't employees; they're independent contractors. Still, I understand. I don't think they pay the drivers well enough to ask this, but really, it's at least mostly reasonable.

 

So dh let them know he needed a day off to move, after working about 4 days straight. No problem. The following day, he was sick, & he stayed home. Obviously, they didn't get notice. A week later, something similar happened where he didn't give the 3 days' notice, but he only missed a few hrs.

 

I understand they have a co to run, & I know they need reliable drivers, but this isn't a normal job, kwim? They're taking themselves too seriously & asking their drivers to do the same. I had a min wage job once where they wanted us to show up in suit-&-tie dress. :lol: Ok, so the point is, I think the standards are getting too high while the pay is dropping, I don't think it's fair, but I mostly do understand.

 

(For ex, before the new rules, if they called you w/ a $17 job on the other side of town, you could turn it down if you wanted--it might not be worth your gas. Now, though, they're trying to tell their guys that they're "not allowed" to turn jobs down. The international shipments were *always* wrong, so dh started avoiding them & got griped at pretty badly.)

 

Anyway, hopefully you all see that there's at least some gray in all of this, but my point is, dh's boss called him today, chewed him out, & threatened to fire him because his schedule's been "too erratic." (Just the days I mentioned above.)

 

Combined w/ his mom's phone call, I'm just steaming on dh's behalf. He was planning to work Thurs-Sun straight through, but if he can't take half a day off after that w/out that making his schedule "too erratic," I don't know.

[melissel]

"Oh, dear MIL, thank you so much for your concern and insight. We love you too and appreciate the advice. I'll let DH know how you feel about this. He'll be sure to take your words into consideration. BUH-BYE!"

 

:D

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

"Oh, dear MIL, thank you so much for your concern and insight. We love you too and appreciate the advice. I'll let DH know how you feel about this. He'll be sure to take your words into consideration. BUH-BYE!"

 

:D

 

:iagree:

[elegantlion]

:grouphug::grouphug: They don't get it do they? :grouphug::grouphug:

 

My dh is self-employed. Really all I think that means is that he has to take business calls at dinner, his work schedule is never the same, and he has more bosses than the average person. :grouphug::grouphug: Sounds like your dh has multiple bosses and one middle man with the authority to yell at him. :glare:

 

Families are only young once. Dh's can't be replaced when they're not around. I had almost zero relationship with my dad until I was an adult because he worked odd hours.

 

Sorry you're getting it all around. How's the new place otherwise? :001_huh:

[Aubrey]

Sorry you're getting it all around. How's the new place otherwise? :001_huh:

 

Cozy? LOL It's smaller than the other place, but in different ways than the other one was small, too, & the combination is...challenging. Bigger closets, bigger bathrooms, but much, MUCH smaller bedrooms. As in, the kids have had to be split up because we can't *possibly* fit 4 beds in the big rm. The little room is really, really little. W/ folding doors. :001_huh:

 

But the neighborhood is SO much nicer than anywhere else we've ever lived, & the teeny kitchen is the nice layout where it's kind-of a peninsula that overlooks the living room (w/ fireplace!)--I think there's just an inner game of emotional tetris that happens when you move. Once everything's settled, it's really a nice house. Over & over again, I'm just flabbergasted that it was in our price range, which is so low, some people said it was impossible. Others simply didn't return phone calls. :lol:

[MariannNOVA]

"Oh, dear MIL, thank you so much for your concern and insight. We love you too and appreciate the advice. I'll let DH know how you feel about this. He'll be sure to take your words into consideration. BUH-BYE!"

 

 

:iagree:

 

They don't get it do they?

 

My dh is self-employed. Really all I think that means is that he has to take business calls at dinner, his work schedule is never the same, and he has more bosses than the average person. :grouphug::grouphug: Sounds like your dh has multiple bosses and one middle man with the authority to yell at him.

 

Families are only young once. Dh's can't be replaced when they're not around. I had almost zero relationship with my dad until I was an adult because he worked odd hours.

 

Sorry you're getting it all around. How's the new place otherwise? :001_huh:

 

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Agree with what everyone said. You two know what is right for your family -- and that was me reminding you of that. FIL can throw dh into a tizzy with one phone conversation -- when they call, I tend to hand the phone right to the kids -- 45 minutes later, they are eager to hang up.;)

[Aubrey]

... when they call, I tend to hand the phone right to the kids -- 45 minutes later, they are eager to hang up.;)

 

Why didn't I ever think of that? Brilliant!

 

(Of course, that doesn't fix the in-person advice. "Have you had your tubes tied yet?"):glare:

[cottonmama]

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

 

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with dh's work and MIL both adding to your stress in their own ways! Your MIL is wrong; it's not worth it for dh to be gone too much of the time.

 

I saw in your sig that you're reading the Little House books and it got me thinking... Pa had to work long days or be gone for long stretches sometimes, and Ma had to be strong and hold down the fort for a while. But Pa always made up that time when the work was over... anyway, I think your dh is doing the right thing by trying to take time off after his marathon work days.

 

I hope there will come a season of relief for you very soon. :grouphug:

[Miss Sherry]

I'm sorry your husbands work situation is so tough. My husband is self employed and there are additional stresses with that.

 

I have come to believe that there is just no point in passing on everything that others say to me onto my husband. There have been some pretty awful things that relatives have said to me, including my husbands relatives, that I have never told him. No good would have come out of it and it would have been just one more thing for him to deal with. Sometimes I even have been known to tell one of my relatives that I've heard enough and I do not want to hear anymore so don't bring this up again. I do think that the listener can often take the initiative to just shut down some of these types of conversations.

[Miss Sherry]

[quote name=Aubrey;2054885

(Of course' date=' that doesn't fix the in-person advice. "Have you had your tubes tied yet?"):glare:

 

Good grief. That is just rude. I would be seeing to it that there were very few, if any, opportunities for in person visits with someone that would say something like that to me.

[Remudamom]

I'm sorry they're giving you grief. Poop on 'em.

 

Anyhow, tell her you're going to be published and famous and there will be a Sci-Fy series based on your book.

[elegantlion]

Why didn't I ever think of that? Brilliant!

 

(Of course, that doesn't fix the in-person advice. "Have you had your tubes tied yet?"):glare:

 

Answer:

 

"Why no, with all the hours poor dh is working we don't have time for s*x. You know, why you're here, would you mind watching the kids for a few hours, I think I'll go with dh on his next run. Give us some quality time in the car together (wink, wink, nudge, nudge)"

[elegantlion]

I'm sorry they're giving you grief. Poop on 'em.

 

Anyhow, tell her you're going to be published and famous and there will be a Sci-Fy series based on your book.

 

:D:D:D Yes!!

 

Glad to hear about the neighborhood and the budget! The kitchen sounds great too.

[MariannNOVA]

Why didn't I ever think of that? Brilliant!

 

(Of course, that doesn't fix the in-person advice. "Have you had your tubes tied yet?"):glare:

 

:w00t: My mil says that I have a fresh mouth.........she's probably right.........IF she had ever said that to me I would have responded that we were buying twin beds!

 

I'm sorry they're giving you grief. Poop on 'em.

 

Anyhow, tell her you're going to be published and famous and there will be a Sci-Fy series based on your book.

 

:lol::lol::lol:.........OR 'Real In-Laws of D/FW'

[elegantlion]

 

 

 

:lol::lol::lol:.........OR 'Real In-Laws of D/FW'

 

Can I sign up my BIL for that show, he'd qualify. :glare:

[Aubrey]

Can I sign up my BIL for that show, he'd qualify. :glare:

 

I started writing that show about 10 yrs ago, lol! Dh & I were newly married, & between us, we had his parents, my mom, my dad & his wife, my dad's mom, my mom's parents, & my mom's grandparents, all planning to live w/ us when they couldn't live on their own any more, all completely serious, & all completely oblivious to ea other. What a hoot that would have been! :lol:

[DawnM]

Well, you can tell them the story of my FIL.....he worked every holiday (triple pay ya know!), every overtime he could, etc.....all so he could retire at 62.5 comfortably. He rarely worked less than 60 hours per week and often more.

 

He died at age 63, one year after retirement.

 

That actually made DH more determined than ever to NOT climb to the top of the ladder and enjoy his family more.

 

I would much rather have a smaller house and drive old cars than have him gone 60 hours per week because he is choosing money over us.

 

Dawn

[DawnM]

This is my mantra when people meddle in my business:

 

"Well, this is what we have decided to do."

 

They butt in with, "But you know, THIS and THIS, and THIS......" in an effort to change your mind.

 

I reply with, "Well, this is what we have decided to do."

 

I repeat and interject it 6 times if necessary before they give up and shake their head at my "ignorance" and stop the conversation! :lol:

[The Girls' Mom]

Wow...what an encouragement she is :glare:

 

Sorry he's having trouble at work. Sounds like a stressful enough job without a mean boss too.

[elfgivas]

:grouphug:

 

it sounds like a crazy-making job, but also as if the expectation is for them to "own" his time. it sounds like that is not your husband's desire. but its probably worth noting, over a glass of wine, that both your fil and your husband's boss were concerned about his hours in the same time frame. it doesn't mean that he wasn't doing the best he could, and it doesn't mean that he didn't work enough, but it might mean that the local expectation is different than that. there are also some clues in your telling of the story that the company may be in trouble financially.... which would lead me to thank my mil for her concern and ask her to keep her ears open for any likely job opportunities. and to keep my own ears open, too.

 

:grouphug: hard time. i'm sorry : (

[Aubrey]

:grouphug:

 

it sounds like a crazy-making job, but also as if the expectation is for them to "own" his time. it sounds like that is not your husband's desire. but its probably worth noting, over a glass of wine, that both your fil and your husband's boss were concerned about his hours in the same time frame. it doesn't mean that he wasn't doing the best he could, and it doesn't mean that he didn't work enough, but it might mean that the local expectation is different than that. there are also some clues in your telling of the story that the company may be in trouble financially.... which would lead me to thank my mil for her concern and ask her to keep her ears open for any likely job opportunities. and to keep my own ears open, too.

 

:grouphug: hard time. i'm sorry : (

 

I did notice that. They freak out really fast if anybody does anything out of the ordinary, & fil has talked to dh's boss about dh before. In this case, they're working for the same company, & fil very much has the attitude that if *he* is out working, dh should be, too.

 

Fil came over the afternoon that dh moved our fridge. After moving everything we own ourselves w/out *any* help from anybody, they get the fridge inside the house (dh & my bro), & dh runs to the bathroom. Fil stands there & grouses the whole time about how dh needs to GET IN HERE & HELP. Not that fil was moving the thing, you understand. Not that dh asked him to come over or help move it or anything.

 

But, yes, the co is in trouble financially. They just closed the office here w/in the last yr, & the people running it now don't know the area well enough to do things effeciently. (Out of state) Dh has been desperately looking for another job for a long time. He's currently working twd teacher cert. Hopefully he won't have to do what he's doing now for more than the coming yr.

 

Most of all, I never, ever want dh to work for the same co as fil again. Or work in a place that fil might visit. Or anything like that. In the right setting, fil is one of my favorite people in the world. In the wrong setting, he makes me madder than just about anybody. :001_huh: :lol:

[joannqn]

MIL is wrong in my opinion.

 

As long as this is the only job available, I'd be as understanding as I could provided that DH continued to look for a better job that allowed him time to be with his family. Your kids will never be this age again. He'll miss it, and they will miss having a father when they needed him.