WWYD: Playing second fiddle.

[TX Bluebonnet]

I will try to make this brief. My parents divorced when I was two. My mom had custody of me but I lived with my grandmother so that my mother would be free to go out dancing and to bars several nights a week.

 

When I had kids I thought my mother would put them first but she hasn't changed. Tomorrow is my youngest ds's 2nd birthday and this morning my mom called and asked, "How mad will you be if I don't come to M's party tomorrow?" Her boyfriend asked her to go out of town for the weekend and they wanted to leave tomorrow. I said fine, go, but I am sure she could tell by my tone that it wasn't fine.

 

She just called and left a message saying that she can't go with her boyfriend because she couldn't get anybody to work for her so she will be at the party after all. I really want to call her and tell her not to come. I have never told her how I feel about first myself and then my kids (her only grandchildren) being second to her boyfriends. I am 40 years old and I always feel like I am 4 again when she does this.

 

Should I:

 

1) Let it go like I always do

2) Tell her to stay home because I already know she would rather be with her boyfriend

3) Tell her to stay home and tell her everything she has done to make me feel worthless over the last 40 years.:glare:

 

Pick my fate.:D

[Desert Rat]

I would love to do #3. I would probably go with #1. Sometimes it just isn't worth it. There's something to be said about just letting go and actually being okay with it. I've gotten to that place with my mom and I'm just so much happier....well, at peace, not happy. Hang in there. And Happy Birthday, Little Man!

[NanceXToo]

You can't change your mother.

 

The best you can do is break the cycle and be a better mother to your children than your mother was to you. Which it sounds like you are already doing, so good for you!! :) (I've had to do quite a bit of that, myself)!

 

That leaves you having to decide whether you want a relationship with your mother, now, as an adult, or not. And whether you want her in your children's lives.

 

If you do, you're basically accepting her for who she is- meaning, you aren't expecting to change her. That doesn't mean you can't try to at least have a sit down with her and clear the air- let her know how you felt as a child and how you feel now as the mother of her grandchildren, and see how it goes from there. You can do this in person, or you can do it in a letter or email if you feel more comfortable with that.

 

She may not change any of her behaviors but it may help you to feel better that you at least said what you needed to say instead of suffering in silence, and you'll know you tried to make things right by telling her how you feel.

 

You might have to set some "guidelines"- like I know I can't change you as a person, but if you want to be in your grandchildren's lives, you need to keep your promises to them, or to me when it comes to them. Don't tell me you'll come to a special occasion like their birthday party and then cancel because something better comes along, etc. Anything very important to you like that, say it to her.

 

And then you'll need to re-evaluate. Does she bother? Or does she keep hurting you, and your children? Is she worth having in your lives based on that, or not?

 

This goes beyond a simple "should I tell her to come to the party or stay home from the party." You've got a bit more than that to evaluate, unfortunately!

 

Happy birthday to your son, by the way! I hope he has a wonderful party, regardless of whether your mother is there!

[Dana]

That leaves you having to decide whether you want a relationship with your mother, now, as an adult, or not. And whether you want her in your children's lives.

 

If you do, you're basically accepting her for who she is- meaning, you aren't expecting to change her. That doesn't mean you can't try to at least have a sit down with her and clear the air- let her know how you felt as a child and how you feel now as the mother of her grandchildren, and see how it goes from there. You can do this in person, or you can do it in a letter or email if you feel more comfortable with that.

 

...

 

You might have to set some "guidelines"- like I know I can't change you as a person, but if you want to be in your grandchildren's lives, you need to keep your promises to them, or to me when it comes to them. Don't tell me you'll come to a special occasion like their birthday party and then cancel because something better comes along, etc. Anything very important to you like that, say it to her.

 

 

:iagree:

 

Clearing the air - very briefly - may be good.

Not so much rehashing everything (as nice as it may feel), but saying something like, "I felt hurt when you chose your boyfriends over me and I don't want my child hurt in the same way. Please only make a commitment when you're able to attend."

And then you're stuck deciding how important the relationship is to you and your children. :grouphug: Good luck.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I think what is most important tomorrow is which of those scenarios would be best for your dd.

 

I do think that Dana's advice is very good too - for your own sake as well as your childrens' as they get older and might notice more.

[2squared]

I kinda know where you are coming from. My parents are divorced, and they both have their weaknesses. My mom is very concerned about appearances but not real relationships, and my dad is wooing a potential candidate for wife #5.

 

My in-laws are great, but they have 9 kids and almost 20 grandchildren so far. They can only stretch themselves in so many different directions.

 

I have decided to accept all of them as they are and only ask as much of them as I know they can give. Actually, I probably underexpect. I don't invite any of the grandparents to events (sports, birthdays, etc) unless they are really special. The in-laws are invited to baptisms and first communions. I know those are important milestones for the in-laws and they will attend. My parents will probably be invited to high school graduations and weddings. I am pleased with my arrangement since I feel that it is on my terms, and the kids & I don't get disappointed. I wish everyone would come to everything my kids do, but it's just not going to happen.

 

My SIL on the IL side has invited my MIL and FIL to her kids' Christmas program, grandparent day, scouting stuff, etc. They often can't attend, and she is then upset with them.

 

Good luck with finding your way in your relationship with you mom.

[kalanamak]

I vote you do whatever you d*mn please, aka whatever will make the party the best.

[Rosie_0801]

I vote you do whatever you d*mn please, aka whatever will make the party the best.

 

:iagree: and if it means that whatever will make the *next* party the best is not bothering to invite her, then don't bother.

 

Rosie- who just had a similar "ok, I can take a hint" situation in her own life.

[joannqn]

I vote for 3...but I've pretty much already done that with my own mother. I only contact her with major news. She's informed when there's a new grandchild and will be informed if there are major illnesses/deaths, but that's about it.

[OrganicAnn]

I think do what is best for your DS and our other kids. Do they enjoy seeing your mom? If not, then tell her not to come.

 

 

Then I would try to arrange a time totally separate from the B-day party to talk to her about how you feel. If you have difficulty with talking to her, you might want to read some books on boundaries with toxic parents or talk to a counselor before you have your talk. Don't do this without help, especially if you are not good with expressing your feelings.

[BeautifulLife]

In the short term, I would do whatever is best for you and your dd as far as the party goes. (Does your dd want to see her grandmother? Is it going to be uncomfortable for you if your mom comes?)

But after the party, i would definitely choose Option 3. Like a previous post said, you can't change your mom. But you absolutely can tell tell her how you've felt throughout your life. She might not change, but at least for me, i would feel so much better finally being honest with her.