Crying all the time- make it stop!

[Paige]

I need some ideas to help my 6yr olds stop crying all the time. This is nothing new for them and they have been the type of children who cry over every little thing since they were infants. We thought they'd outgrow it but they haven't and it drives me crazy.

 

I'm homeschooling my son and would like to keep them home but I'm sending them back to school because I cannot deal with the crying. They have begged me to teach them cursive, for example, and cry about it the whole time. They cry when they see the page and that it is a new word, cry if their first try doesn't look just right, and cry when I gently try to show them how to do it or have them practice doing the letter in pieces. Then, they will cry if I suggest taking a break or just learning it later if it is too stressful because it isn't important now. I am very sweet to them about it and encouraging that they can do it because their handwriting is beautiful and I'll show them pages they have done before that look great that they cried about before doing it. It is like this for most things new to them.

 

They cry about everything and anything- not just things about learning! Basically, anytime they are frustrated or don't get what they want, they cry. Their teacher last year said they didn't cry in class and weren't shy so maybe it is me. When I went to their classroom they would hang all over me, be shy, and cry about little stuff too but the teacher said they weren't like that when I left. They are frequently like that, however, in their taekwondo class if someone corrects them. They not only cry about things, but they'll pout about it for a long time too. For example (and things like this happen frequently), a child accidentally bumped one of them in taekwondo. It could not have hurt much and probably just surprised and offended her. She cried for about 10min, wouldn't respond at all to the instructors or us, and then ended up sitting out the rest of the class because she wouldn't get over it! She didn't even tell me what was really bothering her until we were on our way home.

 

How can we make them stop crying so much at home? We've tried to teach them that crying doesn't help them solve whatever problem is upsetting them. We've gotten to the point where we will not help them until they stop crying and tell us what they need with words, and we don't let them draw attention to themselves with it anymore. If they are going to carry on and cry, they have to go to their room until they feel better. I am saying "they" because they are twins. Not that I'm sure it matters but I do think they reinforce each other's behaviors some. They don't always cry over the same thing or at the same time but they are identical and their personalities are very similar so overall we have equal problems with each one. It drives me nuts! I have 2 other children who aren't big criers so I do think it isn't completely what we are doing as parents but I am out of ideas and I was over all the crying 2 years ago. :banghead:

[Tap]

When dd11 was about that age she whined a lot. I put a paper on the fridge and every time she whined she had to stop what she was doing, go put a mark on the fridge paper, and then come talk to me appropriately. It was eye opening for her to see how many times a day she had whined. After a few days, it was considerably less. Over those days I was able to go from a verbal cue of 'go put a mark on the paper' to just pointing at the paper. It made a huge difference to her, and she stopped very quick with this method.

 

There were times that she started whining again, and as soon as I mentioned bringing the paper back, she stopped.

[katemary63]

I think I would have a chair. If you cry (for any reason other then actual physical or emotional pain) then you go to the chair emediately for a set amount of time. EVERY SINGLE TIME. Do not let them up just because they stop crying. I would make them stay for the whole time - (five minutes?). I've never had this problem, but I think this is what I would try. I also think consistancy would have to be paramount. Also, I think I would never discuss it again. I would just put them in the chair. period. I would never, ever let crying garner them ANY attention....into the chair for 5 minutes, no words, walk away. If your kids won't sit in a chair when you tell them to, then you have a totally different problem. Good luck!

[Parrothead]

Since they do not do this when you are not around (school) and do when you are (TKD and home) you need to be the one to change the dynamic.

 

It would help if you are very matter of fact about the entire thing. "You have to go to your room until you compose yourself." Every. Single. Time. that the face screws up to start the crying. If they share a room, separate places for each to compose themselves should be in order.

 

If at all possible stop watching TKD classes. Even if that means simply burying your head in a book during class. "Oh, did something happen in class this evening? I did not notice I was reading."

 

Things like, "I see you need help. As soon as you stop crying and talk to me, I'll help you." Then just walk away.

 

Or "I see you are upset. As soon as you compose yourself we will talk about it." Then sit down near them and read the newspaper or watch television. If you have to repeat yourself in a calm rational way so they know you are still waiting for composure but won't feed into the tears.

[Dawn in OH]

I had (maybe still have) one crier/whiner. I started telling her when she was doing one of these things "I don't want to hear it, go to your room until you are done." That was worked well for us. Now she has other issues.

[hornblower]

I don't think there's a problem with crying when they're frustrated. Most kids go straight to anger & Gordon Neufeld's books & videos talk a lot about getting kids to shift from anger TO crying, so crying when frustrated sounds good to me.

 

I think the problem is that

a) they're perfectionist

b) with a low frustration threshhold.

 

I would look at it from that perspective & try to give them more coping skills there & the crying will disappear. I would also give them words "yes, you're sad, it's frustrating. Anything else you want to tell me about this?No? Ok, then, have a drink of water, blow your nose & let's try this again."

 

 

I would actually give them permission to cry but also not make a big fuss about it from your end. Have you heard Holly Cole's song "cry, if you want to" ? I'd play it for them & for yourself as a gentle reminder that tears of frustration are often a good thing.

 

[dirty ethel rackham]

Joanne has mentioned in some of her posts on training a child to see that a problem is not as serious as their reaction. It honors their feelings, but lets them know that their reaction is out of proportion with the problem. I can't find the post but it was something to the effect that "yes, that is upsetting. However, this is a 3 and you are acting like it is an 8. "

[MotherGoose]

I don't know. My 4 yo dd tries that, and, although I am appropriately sympathetic when she's hurt, or genuinely upset, when it goes into whining/crying, I tell her to knock it off and have sent her to the corner or to her room until she can get a grip. It drives me crazy too, and so I nip it in the bud. Are you being to sympathetic? :)

[EKS]

My son did this sort of thing for a while, though it was always at home and not around anyone outside the family. We finally started putting him in his room when he cried and told him he could come out when he stopped. After a week or two the crying had greatly diminished. I think he was 6 when this was a problem.

 

I hope you find something that works.

[ktgrok]

I would make a "comfort corner" somewhere. Put a pillow, and a stuffed animal, some tissues. Whatever she finds comforting. Then EVERY time she cries send her to the comfort corner. It's not a punishment, but it does take away the attention aspect of it. I think it may lose it's appeal after that.

[Teachin'Mine]

I would first make sure that the teacher was being honest when she said that they didn't cry during class. Some teachers bend the truth a bit. Do you know any of the children who were in class with them? Could you call a parent and ask them about that class and if they remember if anyone cried a lot in class - without mentioning names?

 

I think it would be important to know if they're only crying in your presence, or if they do it when you're not there as well. To me, the solution would be different depending on that answer. If they did cry in school, then sending them back could make for a horrible school year for them as now they're older. Or maybe they would be too embarrassed to act that way in front of their friends - I don't know.