Ug. I have to go have one of those really uncomfortable conversations with my friend

[Renthead Mommy]

Her 7yo/finishing 1st grade daughter is beating up my kid. He's a head taller than her, but she's got a number of pounds on him. Until we moved here last summer, her best and only friend was the boy that lived next door to her. Then we got here, and the boys became fast friends. They still play with her, but they play together much more. Plus she gets home from the babysitter's about an hour or more after they've begun to play. I know what's going on, she's trying to drive them apart and get 'her' friend back.

 

She's been calling him names, and he's come home in tears before. He doesn't want to get her in trouble. We've told him to tell her she's hurting his feels and to stop, but it's not.

 

Last week they were ALL playing in dirt. He said she was throwing at him (and he did come home the dirtiest of them all) and I was okay to let that go, because they were all playing in the dirt and it was getting tossed around. I figured she was tossing harder, but he didn't seem to mind too much. I was hoping they'd work it out.

 

Turns out then she was trying to get him to wrestle. He kept saying he didn't want to wrestle. He told me he didn't want to get hurt, or to hurt her. I told him that was a good thing. Just tell her you don't want to do that. If there's a problem, come home.

 

Today he came home, in tears because he told her he didn't want to wrestle her and that wrestling was stupid. She called him a bunch of names. Turns out she was punching him too. And it sounds like it's happened before.

 

His friend's mom (the boy) doesn't get the same treatment, but she's not always nice to him either. He comes home upset, just not beat up it's sounding like. His mom and I talked to my son (they live right next door, we're down a few house and across the street) and if the boys are playing and the girl comes over, if his friend wants to go play with the mean girl, my son is to come home. That may happen a few times, and then we (the mom and I) both now her son is going to get tired of my son being driven off and he's going to stop having anything to do with her.

 

So now I have to call my friend and tell her that her daughter is a major bully. I so don't want to have to do this. These things are never pretty.

 

Okay, this was good practice for what to say. Off to call.

[Jean in Newcastle]

:grouphug: We're here if you need to vent some more afterward.

[LG Gone Wild]

Good luck and remain calm so you can remember to get your points across.

[wbtx]

too:grouphug::grouphug:

[abbeyej]

So now I have to call my friend and tell her that her daughter is a major bully. I so don't want to have to do this. These things are never pretty.

 

I'm so sorry. I had to make a call like that (totally different thing, but the same, you know?) a few months ago, and I just had myself in knots over it. I hope your friend handles it with as much grace as mine did. It wasn't easy or pleasant for either of us, but it was so much better than I feared it would be. I hope the same is true for you.

[Renthead Mommy]

I'm not upset. I'm not even super angery. Kids do stupid things. My kid is out of the situation. But I have to call my friend and tell her what's going on. She needs to know what's going on. And she needs to know why my kid can't be around her kid.

 

I just feel bad for her because I know she's going to be absolutely mortified about the whole thing. And I know she already feels bad because she works and has a very long commute (and her husband's is almost as long) and already has working mom guilt.

 

My kid tends to think everyone is good, doesn't like to get people in trouble, don't make waves type of thing. On one hand I'm sort of glad we have this, because I think if he didn't have some sort of experience with it now, at almost 8, when he ran into it when he's older, it would be worse, and then I see him trying to take care of it himself and me not finding out till it's way late.

 

I'm not saying I'm glad my kid got bullied, but I suppose I'm sort of glad his rose colored glasses are off on this now. (and this is really mild, aside from the hitting, adn we are putting a stop to that right now) I want him to be able to take care of himself and learn to handle his own problems. That's why we've been working on what to do/say to her. He needs to know how to do that. And know when to get mom. I can see him being way more hesitant to come to mom about this the first time at an older age.

[Jean in Newcastle]

So have you talked to her yet?

[Parrothead]

Have you talked to the child? Let her know that you know and next time you are going to let her mother know.

[Renthead Mommy]

Ug. Well my girlfriend is in denial! She called me back while we were out. I could tell she felt bad, but she was all "I talked to her, and they were ALL playing aroudn and rough housing, ALL of them. But I told her wrestling is not an appropriate thing to be doing..yada, yada, yada. " She was kind of babbling, so much so the machine cut her off, so you could tell she wasn't really comfortable, but had to defend her daughter.

 

My other friend, the other boy's mom came down today. My son told her everything that happened (plus she saw the red marks from getting hit yesterday right after it happened). She told me everything that happened that her son told her. She also talked to the girl's mom last night. While the boys versions match up, they don't match what the girl's mom is saying.

 

Turns out yes, the boys were orginally playing their 'bad guy/spy game' before she came home to play. And in it they do kung fu and battle bad guys. But they also do 'movie fighting'. Meaning they karate chop, but stop before they actually touch each other.

 

Unfortunately, the girl in question, doesn't do 'movie fighting', she hits. Hard. I was talking to my other friend, the boy's mom this morning. She told the girl's mom she saw the marks from the girl hitting my son. She also knows the little girl wrestles and fights with her 17 and 18 and older boy cousins. Their grown ups. They let her hit them with all her 7yo might. So apparently she figures that's how hard you are supposed to hit.:glare:

 

Anyway, her mom is all 'so they all did it, no biggie, won't happen again'. But it's not even the hitting. Fine she doesn't get how the two boys play, or how hard she hits (my son hit me to show me how hard she did it, and it hurt ME so I know it hurt him). But there have been too many times he's come home upset or crying because of something she's said or done. I always tell him "tell her to stop/hurts your feelings". He says he does, but she won't stop, so he leaves.

 

So we are just sort of done. They boys are always playing at least an hour before she gets home from the babysitter's. If she comes over, and the other little boy decides he wants to play with her for awhile, fine, mine is just going to come home then. But it also turns out that my other friend (the boy's mom, who lives right next door to them) is the one that always encouraged the boys to go play with her. She felt (and I always agreed with her) that they'd had enough time to play their spy game or whatever, now go play with her because she's been at the babysitter's all day and doesn't have anyone to play and you are all friends. But it sounds like she's stopping that too. I think she's going to end up a lonely little girl this summer, because it's really just the 3 of them.

 

I'm not going to keep her away, she can still come down here and swim and play, but I'm hanging out. (Easy to do with the pool.) Usually they all just play in one of the backyards (which are tiny - 40'x15' or so). The are out there by themselves, so her parents don't hear what's going on I think. They want to come down here and play, fine. But I'm hanging around to hear if she's here. But he's not playing with her anyplace else. I'm just tired of the bossy mean stuff. It's going to end here at least.

 

Luckily my other friend also talked to her, so I think we three, the adults are okay, but I guess time will tell. I feel bad for the kid, and for the mom, but the mom is in denile about how bossy/mean her kid is.

[3lilreds in NC]

That's so hard. You're very nice, to still allow her to play as long as you supervise. That sounds like what needs to happen.

 

I feel for the other mom a little - no one wants to believe their child is the troublemaker. I guess I'm glad I was raised by parents who assumed I was the problem. I will go to the wall for my kids but they had best be telling me the truth, and they know that.

 

:grouphug: I'm so sorry. That is such a tough situation. You handled it well though! Good job!

[Brilliant]

Ug. Well my girlfriend is in denial!

...

I'm not going to keep her away, she can still come down here and swim and play, but I'm hanging out. (Easy to do with the pool.) Usually they all just play in one of the backyards (which are tiny - 40'x15' or so). The are out there by themselves, so her parents don't hear what's going on I think. They want to come down here and play, fine. But I'm hanging around to hear if she's here. But he's not playing with her anyplace else. ....

 

That sounds like a really wise course; letting your son play with her only if they are under your direct supervision.

[Snickerdoodle]

Tough situation but it sounds like you are doing the right thing.

[Rebecca VA]

I wonder if there's some way to win the little girl over? Could your son make some extra effort to befriend her, just one-to-one? It sounds as though she's hurting a lot over losing her friend. Maybe if she sees your son as someone who likes her and wants to be friends with her, the three of them can be friends together. Maybe?

[gaillardia]

We're going through verbal abuse, head games, and insults with our neighborhood kid. I had enough of the complaints, suggested ways for our kids to deal with it. They have their own way of trying to work it out, it didn't work. They didn't want to hurt the kid's feelings! It's okay, I told them they can't play with that person anymore at all, ever. I am not going to babysit because he/she ends up talking to me the whole time, disagreeing, etc. or playing the Eddie Haskell part.

[Tap]

When these situations started happening, is when we started the "backyard guests must be invited" rule. Basically, if the kids are in the back yard, a new kid who wants to join them must go through me and not just walk around on their own. If I don't already know the answer, I go ask the backyard kids if they would like another to join them or not. Then I relay the "sorry, the boys are busy, maybe you can come over another day" response. There were some kids that I never allowed in the back and some kids were on a day to day basis.

 

There were a couple of kids that also got a run down of the rules first...'Remember, no hitting, kicking, screaming, or ... . If there are any issues, I will ask you to go home and you won't be invited back for a while.' I had to be the big mean mommy a few times, but by having strict standards for the backyard, it made it a safe place for the kids to play and a haven for the older kids who didn't want the littles bothering them. My son and his friends would set up complex battle scenes all over portions of the yard with miniatures, and the littles would move things around on them.

 

We were more open to 'try to let anyone play' in the front yard (no fences in the front yard here) or street. It worked well and our house has always been full of kids so it didn't seem to hurt at all.

 

I also have no problem sending kids home if they are acting up or hurting someone. The kid I sent home the most, was a 4/5yo little boy who loved to shriek at the top of his lungs Anytime he got irritated. I am talking 3 or 4 times an hour. You could hear him from anywhere in the neighborhood and it sounded like someone cutting his hand off, and you would see all the parents come running thinking someone had got hurt. I finally broke him of the habit by making him go home, even if he was just playing in the street, each and every time he screeched. After that, he was fine and a nice kid to play with. :confused:

[Renthead Mommy]

Thanks everyone.

 

Part of the problem is they only ever all play together at her house. She has a swingset and things in her backyard.

 

The other friend, the boy, has bushes and forts and things and lives right next door to her. The boys always play in his backyard.

 

We had big open nothing in ours. Now we have the pool, so I'm sure that will help a lot in getting them down here. Plus a pool is a lot more direct supervision than the back yard situations. I'm also not into the AC, so my windows are open. At the girls house, the windows are all closed across the back and the ac unit is really noisy so you can't hear them unless they come inside. I think it's a case of the parents really have no clue what's going on outside. While I think we shouldn't have to watch them at this age, hearing what's up is good.

 

School ends on Friday. Orginally they were getting a nanny so she'd be home all day, which sounded good, they could all play together. Now she'll be spending the day at babysitters house instead. I'm acutally glad about that. Plus, being at someone else's house all the time, and maybe having to follow another kid's rules, or if she does what she does to the babysitter's kid, the babysitter is going to a) believe her kid first and b) be watching her a lot closer I think. So that may be a good thing for all the kids. The boys get a break and maybe she'll learn her way won't work and will be nicer when she gets home at night.