How do you deal with being told "mommie doesn't love me or like me" ?

[susancollins]

My daughter came home from a friend’s house using this sentence. Her friend who is an only child talks back to her mother alot and her mother gives in because she is the only child. I have decided to limit my daughter’s time with this child. I heard her say things to my daughter like if you don't let me have it I will tell my mom and I won't ever play what you want play. She manipulates her mom. I have seen her do the same to my daughter. Well my daughter has started to tell “You do love me or like me†it shocked me at first because I do love my daughter with all of my heart. I don’t know if she keeps repeating it for shock value. I have told her many times that we do love her but she will not use those words as a means to get her way. If we can't go to a friend's house I don't like her. I was talking with another mom the other day at the park a different mom who has a son asked Carrington why we haven't been over in a while and we need to come over. She responded by saying “My Mom doesn't like me". I was so embarrassed. What can and should I do. We were reading a book today and she starts whining after the first sentence that she wants to play I say lets just finish it will take a few minutes. She says "You don't like me" and starts acting out. I sent her to her room. With me being sick and going back and forth to doctors at UNC Chapel Hill I am spent physical and emotionally. I don't know what to do. The same mom of the little girl got upset with me because I wouldn't let my daughter stay with her daughter. She asked me several times and I told her we were having family night. She then kept saying that her daughter wanted Carrington to stay. I felt I kept having to defend my family and family night. A couple of weeks ago when I was sick we had a play date planned. I told her that I didn't feel well. She insisted that I had to come because she promised her daughter. I want my children to know that life happens and the world doesn't revolve around them. Any suggestions or advice would be appreciated. Again thank you for your time for reading and responding.

[CroppinIt]

I would probably explain to my daughter that the mother has taught the daughter some things that I didn't agree with. Kind of like we do things one way, they do things another. I wouldn't want my daughter going over there and telling her friend that "my mom says you guys are wrong" or "your mommy is a bad mommy." I would just call it "different from us." Depending on the maturity level of your daughter, I might even go so far as to say that her friend has some unhealthy ideas about relationships.

 

And then I'd pray hard for that girl. This kind of thinking leads to abusive boyfriends and husbands very easily.

[coffeegal]

As far as your dd telling you, "Mommy doesn't love me." I'd deal with it as a family joke. Laugh, give her a big hug (or blow her a kiss if she's at a distance), and say, "You say the funniest things. You know I love you." My children like to accuse me of being the meanest mom in the world. I agree with them and then pretend to be an ogre. Everyone laughs, and it breaks the tension. :001_smile:

 

I hope things work out for you.

[Debora R]

For your own peace of mind and for your relationship with your daughter, it may be best to eliminate all contact with the problem child for the short term, while you deal with the issues that association has caused your family.

 

If it were me, I think I would start by "laying down the law" on acceptable behavior. The statements "You don't love me" and "you don't like me" are not true. Your Daughter knows this as well as you do. Every time your daughter makes these statements she is telling a lie... About you,to you: her Mother. The danger is that if she repeats that lie often enough, she might actually begin to believe it.

 

You've let her know that what she says hurts you. Now let her know that you won't tolerate it. Let her know that those words are to never again pass her lips. Lay out the consequences - gently and lovingly - but let her know that you fully intend to follow them up. If she utters those phrases, she does NOT get what she's after. Period. And other consequences will follow as appropriate to the immediate situation.

[secular_mom]

"It can be frustrating when what we want to happen doesn't happen. I feel sad sometimes to when I don't get my way."

[angela in ohio]

How old is your dd?

 

Honestly, I would tell her that she is too young to be spending so much time with her friends if she is going to pick up the mean things they say. Then I would have a fast on her time with friends. I would use that time to teach her about manipulation and expressing emotions that hurt others. A young child simply doesn't need that much time with friends, especially if you are ill.

 

As far as the "You don't love me" goes, I would not let it continue even one more time. When she says it, tell her that she will not say that. If she continues, use whatever disciple method you use for disobedience. Tell her that there is no reason for her to say that, that you love her. I would not try to 'win her affection' (that is what she wants, and you would be rewarding her manipulation.)

Edited May 23, 2010 by angela in ohio

[angela in ohio]

For your own peace of mind and for your relationship with your daughter, it may be best to eliminate all contact with the problem child for the short term, while you deal with the issues that association has caused your family.

 

If it were me, I think I would start by "laying down the law" on acceptable behavior. The statements "You don't love me" and "you don't like me" are not true. Your Daughter knows this as well as you do. Every time your daughter makes these statements she is telling a lie... About you,to you: her Mother. The danger is that if she repeats that lie often enough, she might actually begin to believe it.

 

You've let her know that what she says hurts you. Now let her know that you won't tolerate it. Let her know that those words are to never again pass her lips. Lay out the consequences - gently and lovingly - but let her know that you fully intend to follow them up. If she utters those phrases, she does NOT get what she's after. Period. And other consequences will follow as appropriate to the immediate situation.

 

 

:iagree: :iagree:

[bkpan]

Well. I will be the dissenting opinion:D

 

I think that your dd is just acting out in a way that she can see upsets you. Perhaps she saw this other little girl behave this way, and perhaps she just came up with it on her own. Either way, it is not out of the realm of normal child behavior and I would just address it as such. I agree with the other poster that said to turn it into a humorous situation. Like, of course she is being silly, you laugh as if you get the joke. I just would not address it seriously. You know that it is an attempt at manipulation.

 

As for the other child, maybe there are other circumstances, but what you described would not keep me from allowing my dd to play with her. Limited yes, but we do not do an excessive amt of play dates anyhow. You could look at it as providing you with some good, teachable moments - how your family does things.

 

Anyway, just what I would do. Maybe very different from what you might do. :)

 

Kim

[Jean in Newcastle]

My kids know without a doubt that I love them. Not only do I tell them so, but I show them in many ways everyday.

 

We're a pretty straight-forward family that doesn't play "mind games". I'm afraid that my response would be to roll my eyes and say, "Yup. Don't love you. That's why I want the best for you." Then I would sit them down and talk about what love really is - wanting the best for another person, even if it isn't what that person wants at the moment.

 

Then I would cut off that relationship totally. Not only is it unhealthy for you daughter, but it is unhealthy for you. And if you let it go, it will only get worse.

[6packofun]

It's not true, so I'd treat it like lying. Try doing it back to her sometime and then discussing right afterward how it feels to have someone tell a lie about their own feelings! I'd also say that it's OK to be upset or disappointed with one another sometimes, BUT families love one another. PERIOD. Non-negotiable in my house (and in any family that is healthy/non-abusive, of course...have to throw that in there.)

[Tidbits of Learning]

Then I would cut off that relationship totally. Not only is it unhealthy for you daughter, but it is unhealthy for you. And if you let it go, it will only get worse.

 

:iagree:I would severe the relationship at this point. I would have a long talk about why it is wrong to manipulate other people's feelings and that it is hurtful and wrong.

[Just Robyn]

My 4 yo ds does that. He came up with it on his own. With him the statement usually comes with some sort of fit. We go lie in his bed together until he calms down. I'm showing him how much I love him and understand his feelings by staying with him and I don't give in and give him what he wants. I know he is just trying to manipulate me; he doesn't really believe I don't love him, but it makes me feel better to know I'm showing him how wrong that statement is at the same time as I show him he needs to calm down and give up on whatever it is he is asking for.

 

ETA: I would explain to my dc that that girl is mistreating her and that is why they will not be playing together anymore.

[Susan in TX]

This might be a bit unorthodox, but whenever my kids say "You're mean" because I won't let them have their way, I treat it as a complement and say "Thank You". I know that I am being a good parent because I'm setting limits and sticking to them even if it makes me unpopular for the moment. And the comment loses any power the child might have gotten from it because they see that it doesn't faze me at all. (This works especially well with teens btw.)

 

If a child of mine says "I don't love you", I simply say "Well, I love you very much". If they say, "You don't love me" because I'm not letting them have their way or because I'm disciplining them for bad behavior I say, "I do love you and that's why I won't let you do...", or "I do love you and that's why I won't allow you to behave badly".

 

The most important thing to remember is that this is normal child behavior and do not take it personally.

 

Susan in TX

[ThatCyndiGirl]

That mom sounds like a piece of work, too trying to manipulate a SICK WOMAN about a playdate just so her daughter will get her way!!!

 

yuck!

 

I would cut off the relationship, too!

[skywards]

That mom sounds like a piece of work, too trying to manipulate a SICK WOMAN about a playdate just so her daughter will get her way!!!

 

Maybe thats where the daughter gets it :glare:.

[Truscifi]

This might be a bit unorthodox, but whenever my kids say "You're mean" because I won't let them have their way, I treat it as a complement and say "Thank You". I know that I am being a good parent because I'm setting limits and sticking to them even if it makes me unpopular for the moment. And the comment loses any power the child might have gotten from it because they see that it doesn't faze me at all. (This works especially well with teens btw.)

 

If a child of mine says "I don't love you", I simply say "Well, I love you very much". If they say, "You don't love me" because I'm not letting them have their way or because I'm disciplining them for bad behavior I say, "I do love you and that's why I won't let you do...", or "I do love you and that's why I won't allow you to behave badly".

 

The most important thing to remember is that this is normal child behavior and do not take it personally.

 

Susan in TX

 

:iagree: My ds used to say "If you don't...I won't love you" I would just say "Then I guess you won't love me, but I still love you."

 

I would address it in a way that minimizes the comment and makes it clear that it won't help her get what she wants. Then move on.

[keptwoman]

My DDs favourite phrase right now is "you hate me" My response, I love you heaps but you still have to....." It's just her way of expressing her displeasure at what I am asking of her. I believe most children go through it to some degree and I'm dealing with her as I did with the boys, as little notice of the offending statement as possible and no give on what caused it to be uttered. That way the statement has no power. I found it was a phase that did not last long with the boys, and I expect it will be the same with DD.

[sbgrace]

Why do those words bother you?

 

Do you really think she believes it? Do you think she's being dishonest? What is it that most bothers you about them?

 

I think the more you show that it upsets you (whether emotional conversation, emotional display, consequences, etc.) the more power the words have and the more likely they are to be repeated. Having control (well, knowing you do :001_smile:) over a parent's emotions is such a bad thing for a young child. I had a rocky relationship with my mom for various reasons. I used to tell my mom similar things. She would go to her room and sob. That's a lot of both power and responsibility for a child. It's not healthy. I know you're not doing that. I just think some reactions (including consequences/prohibiting the words, etc.) give the words more weight and power than they really should have.

 

My son was angry with me today when I wouldn't let him do something. He cried/pouted while I went about my business. He then told me that I loved his brother more. He even provided a diagram--this many circles are what you've done for me today (2 circles) and this many are what you've done for him (oh, about 40 circles I think :tongue_smilie:). Truth be told this child takes much more energy most days including today. But that doesn't really matter. It's possible he's really feeling things aren't "equal" of course. It's possible he's feeling unloved. In the heat of this moment there is nothing I can do about either of those if they are the case anyway. It's much more likely he's hoping I'll feel bad and give him permission to do what he'd like.

 

At any rate, I didn't call him on his stats or argue his point or give him consequences for lying. I acknowledged that life is not always equal but I love both boys as much as my heart can possibly love. He then told me I didn't love him at all. I kissed his head and said "I love you from head to toe sweetie and I know you're disappointed." He argued I didn't love him. At that point I told him I wasn't going to argue with feelings/it's ok to feel the way he does, I'm not changing my mind, and I'm not going to continue the discussion. He cried in his room. He's frustrated he didn't get what he wanted. He's stubborn. He's strong willed. It's done.

 

He can repeat it tomorrow for all I care but if I clearly don't capitulate or react to the "you don't love me" stuff I don't hear it very often. It doesn't have power here.

Edited May 24, 2010 by sbgrace