Tanya in KS Posted May 9, 2010 Share Posted May 9, 2010 My parents traveled down for the weekend - They live 12 hours away. My dh & they have never gotten along. This weekend was by the the WORST. My parents LOVE to spend time with the grandkids and are so willing to travel to our home to see them. After this weekend, I don't think it will happen again. IF your husband and your own parents don't get along BUT you feel very strongly that they are great for the grandkiddos - how do you deal with it?? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ciyates Posted May 9, 2010 Share Posted May 9, 2010 Send him on a fishing trip? Boys weekend etc... I would have them stay in a hotel and do stuff with the kids outside of the house. I am sorry they don't get a long it is hard when that happens. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Meriwether Posted May 9, 2010 Share Posted May 9, 2010 Could they spend a week with your parents while you and Dh take a vacation together? My Dh loves my parents, but I struggle to get along with his. I try to be amiable when we are together, but I no longer tell Dh, "It's been several months; we ought to go see your folks." We see them at Christmas, at least once more during the year, and whenever they want to drive 6 hours to see us. If our positions were reversed, I'd hope he would try at least to the extent I do with his. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lara in Colo Posted May 9, 2010 Share Posted May 9, 2010 I finally had to decide that a divorce was worse than no Grandmother (for the children). That is MY choice due to a Very complicated relationship that I have with my mother. If M cannot keep her remarks about DH silent and be more tolerable with him, (and lots of other stuff) I cannot keep her around. It sort of depends on who is most wrong. Defend the most wronged ones. Lara Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OnTheBrink Posted May 9, 2010 Share Posted May 9, 2010 I'm not sure by your post who the antagonist is in your scenario, but parents (on both sides) are guests in your home and need to treat your dh with respect. It's absolutely unacceptable for a guest to be anything but gracious and kind to their host. Conversely, your dh needs to treat your parents with respect and kindness. If neither party can manage that, and if you really feel your kids need to spend time with the grandparents, send the kids to the grandparent's house for a few days, as long as you're positive the gp's won't disparage their father to them while they're there. If your dh agrees to take the weekend and go somewhere, then that's very kind of him to do. I wouldn't make him leave, or make him feel as if he MUST leave his own home simply because your parents don't like him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mommyof4ks Posted May 9, 2010 Share Posted May 9, 2010 Can you and the kids go up and visit with them for a week at a time or so? I cannot imagine adults not getting along for a few days for the sake of the kids, but if you want peace you may have to just go up to their house with the kids to keep the peace. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ImAhomeSCHOOLmama Posted May 9, 2010 Share Posted May 9, 2010 I could not handle my dh not likeing my parents, let alone making a visit so bad there will be no others. Even if they do not like each other, they could act like adults. I personally could not marry a man that had such dislike for my parents! He loves mine and I love his! Its awesome! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ImAhomeSCHOOLmama Posted May 9, 2010 Share Posted May 9, 2010 I finally had to decide that a divorce was worse than no Grandmother (for the children). That is MY choice due to a Very complicated relationship that I have with my mother. If M cannot keep her remarks about DH silent and be more tolerable with him, (and lots of other stuff) I cannot keep her around. It sort of depends on who is most wrong. Defend the most wronged ones. Lara I wholeheartedly agree with Lara!!!! I would not tolerate it! I cannot imagine adults not getting along for a few days for the sake of the kids, but if you want peace you may have to just go up to their house with the kids to keep the peace. My thoughts exactly, unbelieve able Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pink Fairy Posted May 9, 2010 Share Posted May 9, 2010 I could not handle my dh not likeing my parents, let alone making a visit so bad there will be no others. Even if they do not like each other, they could act like adults. I personally could not marry a man that had such dislike for my parents! He loves mine and I love his! Its awesome! Not everyone has been blessed with likeable parents. It really is awesome that you are so fond of each other's parents, but without knowing more about the OP's situation it's not fair to blame the problem on the husband. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ImAhomeSCHOOLmama Posted May 9, 2010 Share Posted May 9, 2010 Not everyone has been blessed with likeable parents. It really is awesome that you are so fond of each other's parents, but without knowing more about the OP's situation it's not fair to blame the problem on the husband. Your right, I appologise OP. I guess I change that remark to the antagonist (or both sides if its both) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tanya in KS Posted May 9, 2010 Author Share Posted May 9, 2010 The feud comes from both directions & I am not even sure how/when it started anymore. Add to the fact that everyone is so stressed out because our daughter is recently diagnosed with cancer & EVERYONE has an opinion on how her treatment should go... There is no sense in pointing fingers - I am the one stuck in the middle and it STINKS! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pink Fairy Posted May 9, 2010 Share Posted May 9, 2010 Well, if both sides are behaving badly, I think your idea of visiting your parents (at some point) alone with the children is a good one. That is, as long as they don't badmouth your dh to you or the kids. I'm sorry you are stuck in the middle. That does stink. :grouphug: And I'm sorry that your dd is sick. :crying: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Starr Posted May 9, 2010 Share Posted May 9, 2010 The feud comes from both directions & I am not even sure how/when it started anymore. Add to the fact that everyone is so stressed out because our daughter is recently diagnosed with cancer & EVERYONE has an opinion on how her treatment should go... There is no sense in pointing fingers - I am the one stuck in the middle and it STINKS! I'm sorry your daughter is sick! People acting out when stressed makes it all so much more difficult. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ImAhomeSCHOOLmama Posted May 9, 2010 Share Posted May 9, 2010 The feud comes from both directions & I am not even sure how/when it started anymore. Add to the fact that everyone is so stressed out because our daughter is recently diagnosed with cancer & EVERYONE has an opinion on how her treatment should go... There is no sense in pointing fingers - I am the one stuck in the middle and it STINKS! I would sit down with your parents and husband and tell them exactly how you feel. Just be up front about it. Tell them how they are acting and EXACTLY (no holds bar) how you feel. Tell them there is alot of stress and they just need to come together and be supportive. Also make it aware to them (as it seems they have forgotten) that your dc can see how they treat each other and they will learn to act like that as adults! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bigdogs29906 Posted May 10, 2010 Share Posted May 10, 2010 I would sit down with your parents and husband and tell them exactly how you feel. Just be up front about it. Tell them how they are acting and EXACTLY (no holds bar) how you feel. Tell them there is alot of stress and they just need to come together and be supportive. Also make it aware to them (as it seems they have forgotten) that your dc can see how they treat each other and they will learn to act like that as adults! :iagree: Yep! Air it all the way out. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosy Posted May 10, 2010 Share Posted May 10, 2010 Generally I think the parents need to respect their adult dc's marriage and butt out. Unless your DH is being unreasonable, they need to respect that he is your husband and the father of your children. I would talk to him about it and find out what specifically bothers him...chances are, he feels like they're trying to undermine him. They need to not do that, and you may need to be the one to tell them what your boundaries are. We have been through this with DH and my mom, and basically what it came to for us was that I had to pull way back from my mom. We still get together with her, but I don't tell her anywhere near as much as I used to. She's critical of me, too, so I haven't minded too much. You may need to do this with your parents, especially with the medical treatments and things. "Mom, DH and I are the decision makers, and this is the decision we've made. I would love to be able to share with you what we're doing, but if you're going to argue with DH and question him, we won't be able to share this part of our lives with you. DH is their dad and my husband, and I need you to treat him with respect." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peela Posted May 10, 2010 Share Posted May 10, 2010 My parents traveled down for the weekend - They live 12 hours away. My dh & they have never gotten along. This weekend was by the the WORST. My parents LOVE to spend time with the grandkids and are so willing to travel to our home to see them. After this weekend, I don't think it will happen again. IF your husband and your own parents don't get along BUT you feel very strongly that they are great for the grandkiddos - how do you deal with it?? You know, actually I am relieved I am not the only one. My dh is ok with my mum, but she is NOT ok with him, even though the incident that happened, when he was a bit disrespectful toward her when we were first going out (because he and I were fighting) has been apologised for and supposedly dealt with 17 years ago! She just doesn't like him and wont get over it. What to do. She doesnt live close. She visited a couple of years ago, but it has meant her relationship with my kids is limited to every few years. Usually when I take them over there. She is a great grandmother- really great- she just wont forgive him. Its like the elephant in the room that nobody talks about. I have accepted it, and tried to keep her connected with my kids. Its her loss, really, but theirs too unfortunately. For a long time, in my early twenties,I would tell my marital problems to her. Not a good idea. Eventually I realised I needed to stand strong by my man and let her be a grown up, or not. Thats where it is. She and I get on well, but she just wont talk about dh. I buy air tickets to visit her every couple of years. Thats it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted May 10, 2010 Share Posted May 10, 2010 I would sit down with your parents and husband and tell them exactly how you feel. Just be up front about it. Tell them how they are acting and EXACTLY (no holds bar) how you feel. Tell them there is alot of stress and they just need to come together and be supportive. Also make it aware to them (as it seems they have forgotten) that your dc can see how they treat each other and they will learn to act like that as adults! :iagree:Personally, I believe the 'leave and cleave' goes both ways. I expect my husband to put me first, and it makes complete sense that I do the same for him. Neither of us likes the other's parents...heck, we don't like our *own* parents, so the 'leave and cleave' hasn't probably been the challenge it could have been for most ppl. But honestly, that's what I think needs to happen. Esp when it comes to your dd's treatments, etc. That's for her parents to decide, not grandparents. I'm so sorry your dd is ill. Take care to pull together with your dh at this time, rather than apart. You both need that strength, as does your dd, esp right now. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nestof3 Posted May 10, 2010 Share Posted May 10, 2010 My dad is very vocal about his various disapprovals regarding both my husband and my sister-in-law. He talks worst when the insulted party is not around, but he did go through a phase of disagreeing with everything we do and insulting my husband to his face. He would make passive-aggressive comments (if there is such a thing) all of the time. I finally got to the point where I told my dad that if he could not stop being disrespectful to my husband he would not be allowed in my house. Things are better now, but we never know for how long. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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