Friendships...or lack thereof

[lisamarie]

We pulled DS out of school back in October after him being there for one year before that. During that time, he made some friends and they all played on the soccer team together. Our HS group plays DS's old school in sports, so tonight, DS played his old friends in soccer. During the warm up before the game, DS walked over to the other side of the field to say hi and ended up staying over there for at least 5 minutes. He really wanted to play soccer with his old friends. I felt a whole lot of mommy guilt for him.

 

I said something to DH about it and he said, "That's because DS doesn't have any friends." Which is only partly true. He has friends from our church that he sees almost every Sunday at church, a few of them on Tuesdays at playgroup (this will end next year when they all go full day in school), and most Thursdays for about a half hour when we pick DD up from preschool and the kids all play on the playground for a while.

 

But that's about it. Which is quite a lot, but not enough to really build strong friendships. DS never complains, but I feel bad. I feel like DS really doesn't have a lot of friends. Only 1 close friend and the rest he just plays with when they're around. I don't even know who to start inviting over so DS can build friendships. The only kid who is his age in our church is his best friend--the other boys are either a year younger or 1-2 years older.

 

Tonight it was really hard living with the decision we made to HS. I miss the friendships DS had in school. And I'm not sure what to do to get him more friends.

 

So I guess I am wondering how other HSing parents handle this. Do you just live with it? Try harder to invite kids over to play with your kids? DS will start scouts in the fall and I am praying that it will fill the gap for him, but I'm not sure. The house next door to ours also just sold and we THINK a family with a 6 year old DS (same age as my DS) bought it, and if so that would be PERFECT. And I have been praying for a while that God would open doors for DS to build friendships. And part of that is ME building friendships with the parents but that is not my strength at all--and at this point all the soccer parents have pretty much shut me out of their clique. Guess that's what happens when I don't join a co-op like everyone else. And I don't have time for a co-op--I tried one this winter and after 2 times knew it wouldn't fit with our life at the time.

[Night Elf]

We live with it. Truthfully, my dd12 has been in and out of school and our experience is that kids that age who see each other only in school are acquaintances, and kids who live in the same neighborhood are more likely to be friends. If you don't live near a playmate, you have to make an effort at getting together. That is rough for a lot of parents, both ps parents and hs parents.

 

If you really feel like he needs to have friends, you have to be the one to make an effort at finding him opportunities. Places like church, sports clubs, and homeschool playgroups are great places. We made a major effort this year at finding friends for dd12 who had zero friends. We don't do church or sports clubs. We've outgrown homeschool playgroups. She was so unhappy! But she just didn't make friends at school, outside of school. In other words, she was fine in school, but after school and weekends were nothing.

 

We are lucky to have a homeschool class organization. Dd12 has been taking 3 classes all year and has been with the same children. She also joined a girls club there. She now has a nice number of acquaintances, and a handful of really good friends. But it's an effort because the parents are the ones to do the driving to get the girls together. :tongue_smilie:

 

It was important to her and we just kept looking until we found something that was right for her. It wasn't easy, but she's so happy now. It's what she needed.

 

Now, my ds13, otoh, doesn't have friends but he's totally fine with it. He has Aspergers and his needs are entirely different from dd12's. :)

 

If your little guy has a couple of guys he sees at soccer or wherever, invite them over. Make the first move and if it's important, keep making the moves. If you don't want to just do something at your house, ask the other child's mom if she'd like to meet you and your children at the park because your son would love some hang-out time. But then you have to make certain you have the time in your schedule. It's so easy to procrastinate and always look at the things you have to do. Just make this a priority and something that you have to do.

 

Good luck.

[Starr]

My children really have friends by my finding families for all of us to spend time with. I look for women I enjoy that have children about the same age. We seem to find some wherever we live. The kids played some with children in activities but never asked to invite a friend home or visa versa. It was the family thing that made it happen. I would invite a family over that you meet this year and start building friendships. It will work out.

[lionfamily1999]

Scouts is great. Ds is a Bear now (almost a Webelo) and has been in since Tigers. While the roster changes from year to year, there is a core group of ds and three other boys that have been in together the whole time. They are very close friends, and since all have plans to attain Eagle they should remain friends through high school.

 

I've also found McDonald's play place (I really hate to admit this) to be a good place to find other kids. Younger ds has a few friends he meets there every Friday. Thank goodness they offer fruit and nuts :p

 

Also, ds has met friends at the library. That does seem like a good place to find other hsers. I've made a few friends there myself :D

[Guest mrsjamiesouth]

I almost feel like we have too many friends now. We go out close to 4 days during the school week on average. This week for example: Monday stayed home, Tuesday went to Piano and Gymnastics, Wednesday going to park with a friend, Thursday field trip at Railway Museum, and Friday Homeschool Day at Six Flags. Sunday morning and Wednesday night we go to church, and Sat. we have Baseball.

I cultered friendships with moms who have kids close to mine, this way our children play together. That is easiest. Also, my boys are not shy and will walk up to any kid at the playground to play. Check out local Yahoo homeschool groups to find out about park days.

[Tohru]

Really, you only need one and he already has one. It forces them to make up if they ever fight :D

 

It sounds like he's got enough social stuff going on. If a new friend connects, that's great. If not, then it isn't a big deal.

He'll be fine.

I've read so many autobiographies of people that had no friends as children or even kids their own age, but developed strong friendships as adults.

 

When my ds was 6, his only playmate was a 10yo girl. Now that he's older, he has a few friends that he really enjoys and doesn't care for any more.

[Parrothead]

I'd simply invite the bestie over as often as he can come.

[oldskool]

We have had to learn to live with it. My DS is very active in karate, so he does get to interact with other kids there. My husband is a pretty social person (unlike me) so he also gets playtime with family friends about once a week. However, he does not have any other outside the family child who is a close friend. We have talked about it and it really doesn't bother him, in fact, it probably bothers me more. I do worry about whether or not I have deprived the kids of childhood memories with friends. On the other hand, as a family we try to spend a lot of time together and all three of my kids are very good friends with each other. I feel like we have a lot of fun together and would not be as close if they were at school. I do pray that the right friendships eventually come along for all of them, but for now I know that providing a good education for their future is going to have to take priority. I conclude that most parenting decisions fill you with guilt in one way or another.

 

Lesley

[Jean in Newcastle]

I think I shared once before on this board how my ds did an unofficial poll of the kids in our neighborhood (all who go to either public or private school). All of them had lots of acquaintances (whom they would play with if they happened to be together) but only about 1 or maybe 2 real friends.

 

Also - one of the things I love about homeschooling is that we are not limited in the age of our friends. My kids have friends who range in age from 3 years old to in their 70's. Obviously they are going to relate differently to those who are much much younger than them or much much older, but they are still friends. And those who are considered "their age" can certainly include those who are a couple of years younger or a couple of years older. So don't count people out as possible friends if they are not your son's chronological age.

[Peela]

Just keep trying different things till something clicks. For my kids, although they have made plenty of homeschooling friends over the years, their main friends now are through the Scouting movement and they dont see hoemschoolers so much- except the couple that are in their Scout groups. Thats what clicked for them. If soccer doesn't work...try something else. I think...he is 6, it will be ok, especially because you care and are working on it. I did have to come out of my shell though, and really communicate and connect.

[Chris in VA]

Why not just call the parents of the kids he knew in school? :confused:

[nikkinic]

I feel for you... My son went to Kindergarten in ps, then we pulled him out to homeschool. So, he thinks that ps is like Kindergarten and they just play all day even in 1st and 2nd grade and hs is soooooo boring because he actually has to read, write, and do real math - plus there's only his little sister to play with. His biggest complaint is there's NO RECESS! I mean he's got a point and I do feel bad and about once a week I question our decision to hs. However, I always come back to the same conclusion- we took him out of school for a reason and I still believe the best place for him to learn (at least for now) is at home. So, what to do about friends? He has karate 2 times a week and there are some kids he's friendly with there - but it's not the same as free play - it's very structured. We also go to church twice a week - but again that's very structured time, not free time. We don't live in a neighborhood where there are other kids to play with. Anyway, all this to say that I have far from solved this problem, but there are 2 steps I have taken. I have started to try to take advantage of times we are with others to make more time for my son to play with his friends. For example, my husband always spends tons of time after church hanging around in the lobby talking to people and I used to always try to hurry him out. Now, we let my son bring a football and he and a couple of boys will play outside for a while while my husband chats and I wait (somewhat) patiently for everyone to be ready to leave. Also, I've kind of unofficially made Friday after school "invite a friend over" day. Any Friday that we don't have some other committment I make it a point to invite a friend over for my son to play with. And the kids are not always the same age as him. I've found that he plays well with slightly older and slighty younger kids also, so his friends (who are mostly from church) are all ages. So, my son still wants to go back to school, but I feel better about the amount of time he's having with other kids now.

[lisamarie]

So would you say that if DS has good relationships with his 2 grandmas and his great grandma, would that qualify as friends? We live down the street from my parents, my inlaws and my grandma. We chose to move to our current house to be near family. DS goes down to visit one of his grandmas at least 1-2 times a week.

 

Why not just call the parents of the kids he knew in school? :confused:

 

I only know 2 of the parents from his friends in school well enough to call them up and invite their kid over. 1 of them we do have over regularly and the other he sees occasionally, but he's not that close to him. They also live about a half hour away so it's not that easy to just invite him over. (it was a charter school so there were no district lines)

 

For example, my husband always spends tons of time after church hanging around in the lobby talking to people and I used to always try to hurry him out. Now, we let my son bring a football and he and a couple of boys will play outside for a while while my husband chats and I wait (somewhat) patiently for everyone to be ready to leave. Also, I've kind of unofficially made Friday after school "invite a friend over" day. Any Friday that we don't have some other committment I make it a point to invite a friend over for my son to play with. And the kids are not always the same age as him. I've found that he plays well with slightly older and slighty younger kids also, so his friends (who are mostly from church) are all ages. So, my son still wants to go back to school, but I feel better about the amount of time he's having with other kids now.

 

I have actually started doing this. After church DS is always outside playing with the boys from his SS class and I used to want to rush right out because it was past dinner time and I was hungry. But I decided that letting him play for a while was more important that keeping to my schedule.

 

I also really like your Friday idea. I think I will have to try that next fall. Over the summer will be no issue since DS has 2 weeks of day camp (church and scouts), 2 weekly playgroups, plus church on Thursday nights which is all play with his friends (no curriculum in the summer, just play on the playground or other sports). He will be seeing his friends at least 2-3 times a week.

[Margo out of lurking]

I didn't want to continue to encourage my dd's friendships when she was in ps (we withdrew her in the middle of 1st grade). Honestly, many ps families just have different completely different priorities for their families, friendships *I* would not encourage for my kids.

 

It was important to us for our kids to have hsing in common with their friends, to know that hsing was a normal way of life for many people. However, outside friendships were never a focus for our family particularly when our kids were younger. When we pulled my dd from school, we saw our kids bond together in a way that we NEVER expected, one of the surprise blessings of hsing. They get along better than any other siblings I know.

 

We've met friends through various hs groups (surprisingly, though, NOT through co-ops), through a part time school my dd attended, church (which is mostly hsers), hs sports, AWANA, and even neighbors who hs.

 

We've never wished things were different, and we've never made any big effort at friendships. My ds wishes he lived closer to his friends (an hour away, we are quite remote), and that's part of why we are considering moving (I hate living so far OUT!). But that's a convenience factor for our life, for our day to day activities, not to make friendships more convenient.

 

You said your ds is not complaining. Friendships will usually come naturally given time.

 

I just wanted to comment about the soccer clique too. We are part of a very large hs soccer rec league. I find myself sitting with the exact same people at both practices and games. It's not an effort to shut anyone out, it is the group with whom I know from church and we see several times a week outside of soccer. It's very comfortable, a habit. I would encourage you to take your chair over and sit with them, be friendly and chatty, and do it each week. :)

[Guest janainaz]

I used to fret over this, but I don't anymore.

 

 

There is much to be said about quality over quantity. Enjoy your kids and just love them. Provide opportunities for them to cultivate friendships and just step back and let it happen naturally. Most friendships are not what they are all cracked-up to be and all the worrying and obessing is for nothing. In fact, many parents these days deal with the opposite - their kids are so peer-oriented that they have never learned to bond with their family first. Their "friends" take precedence over the family unit, and there is something really wrong with that. If your son feels your stress and he feels that this is a really big deal to you, he's going to misunderstand what a real friend is.

 

My ds10 is more reserved and he has two best friends that are twins. That is enough for him. My younger son who is 5.5 is the life-of-the-party type of kid. To him, every kid is his "friend". He is the child that would get lost in the sea of his peers if he had the chance, and he would be the child that would also be influenced most by his "friends". So I'm more concerned with my boys connecting with the right kids that will help to bring out their best qualities and vice-versa.

 

So I'm fine with the majority of our life being centered around our family and relatives. My boys have "friendships" with our family and each other. I don't want them to feel that they need a big group of friends to feel secure or accepted.

[m0mmaBuck]

OP, I'm in a similar situation. I pulled DS from PS midway through his 2nd grade year. We are fortunate (????) to live in a neighborhood with some of his old school friends but his bestie is moving in August which means he will either need to hang out more with some of the other kids or I need to start looking for other friends/groups for him. Summer will tell as far as the neighborhood kids go.

 

We do Scouts and hope to cultivate some of those friendships.

 

DS did AWANAS this year but went with another family so I don't know any of those people. That family is also moving away so he loses that friend as well.

 

He starts a HS workshop this Friday so prhaps that will result in a connection.

 

I worry more about DD4 never meeting anyone if she never goes to PS.

[mommydearest]

Haven't had a chance to read all the responses yet, but I am looking forward to it because I feel the same way. My oldest went to KG in a wonderful private school and the community was amazing. She made some wonderful friends and we keep in touch, but it increasingly becomes more difficult with time. She will soon be 9. We have done lots of things outside of the home (CC, drama, art, gymnastics, camps, church, etc.), but the quality of new friendships made is never the same as when she was in private school. We spent so much time with those families and it's hard knowing that most of them will stay together until 8th grade, with many of them going on to the same high school. Fortunately, she still plays on their basketball team, which helps. But, I do often feel guilt, especially since my fondest memories of school included my friends. I still have many of the same friends I grew up with. I have 2 adult nieces who were homeschooled and although they are bright, sweet, intelligent women, neither of them have had many friends. Many of my greatest experiences were shared with so many cool people that I still call friends today, so I wonder if the trade off is really worth it. I'll admit that I was also much more of a social butterfly and not as academic as my nieces, but I just want to provide my kids with the opportunity to be both if they want to be. Also, dd had so many wonderful and fun learning experiences that I cannot replicate. Sometimes I'm afraid Hs'ing is going to crush her love of learning, rather than help it. I have to remember why we're doing this in the first place, and I need to learn how to implement the friends and fun with our academics, and lose my current mentality of feeling burdened by hs'ing and rushing to get our work done so I can do the million other things I have to do.

Edited May 30, 2010 by mommydearest