ondreeuh Posted April 11, 2010 Share Posted April 11, 2010 My husband has been on a deployment to Iraq for the past year. Although we've used Skype, there was no R&R (visit home) this time. His squadron arrived at a base 2 hrs away last night and we've been told this whole time that the soldiers will NOT be allowed to visit family until they are officially released next Sunday. I just got an email from the Commander's wife that families can go up to the base and see their soldiers from 4-11pm today! We have to stay on post and take a shuttle instead of car within base, but fine, whatever. I was TOTALLY not expecting this. I need to get my hair cut, figure out what we're all going to wear, lost (ahem) 20 lbs ... I am so nervous. I already had butterflies just from talking to him on the phone last night. A year is a LONG time to be separated and I just know it will be total awkwardness for a while. While I would love an emotional sweep-me-off-my-feet reunion I have learned that my husband is more of a shoulder-squeeze kinda guy in these public situations. I had a dream last night that he came home today and after saying, "hi" he left with his friend for the whole day. When he came back I hit him and cried and yelled. :001_huh: I think I have a little fear of him being emotionally unattached. Any words of advice? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
m0mmaBuck Posted April 11, 2010 Share Posted April 11, 2010 Have a wonderful time seeing him today! My husband retired from the Army and I know how nervewracking those reunions can be. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ahousefullofjs Posted April 11, 2010 Share Posted April 11, 2010 No advice, just wanted to say "that's wonderful!!" I'm very excited for you.:) Have a great visit. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mommylawyer Posted April 11, 2010 Share Posted April 11, 2010 No words of advice. I just wanted to say congratulations on your unexpected surprise - and thank you both for his sacrifice and yours, too! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LibraryLover Posted April 11, 2010 Share Posted April 11, 2010 Wow! I would imgaine everything you're feeling is totally normal. Wear a skirt. :) lol How exciting! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
secular_mom Posted April 11, 2010 Share Posted April 11, 2010 Do NOT wait for him to initiate intimacy, seriously. YOU go there and bowl him over (not literally) with a giant hug and a big fat kiss. Do not 'let' him be detached. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laughing lioness Posted April 11, 2010 Share Posted April 11, 2010 :001_smile:I am happy for you! Have a blast, smile and flirt and have fun with your man (in whatever context!) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ondreeuh Posted April 11, 2010 Author Share Posted April 11, 2010 And the rollercoaster begins. I had texted him this morning to let him know about the email, and he just called me to say "don't come." He thinks that not being able to drive around and having to stay on post makes it not worth it. I know he's not being mean but man, does that hurt. He's going to call me back when he has more information. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cajunrose Posted April 11, 2010 Share Posted April 11, 2010 Oh man..i hope it works out for you guys. I would go anyway honestly. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
secular_mom Posted April 11, 2010 Share Posted April 11, 2010 And the rollercoaster begins. I had texted him this morning to let him know about the email, and he just called me to say "don't come." He thinks that not being able to drive around and having to stay on post makes it not worth it. I know he's not being mean but man, does that hurt. He's going to call me back when he has more information. No, do what YOU want to do. Don't let him dictate this, because you will remember it forever and you do NOT want his homecoming to be ruined for you by his 'man-ness'. Get ready anyway, and TELL him that you NEED to go and that you're going to be there. Don't get timid (I know how intimidating they are when they come home, it's just so WEIRD sometimes) and go along with whatever he says. TELL him what YOU need, or he'll just be clueless and hurt your feelings again. I 'know', I have way too much experience at this sort of thing and it took me way too long to realize that I just have to be the 'dictator' and say, "I need for this to happen this way" and give him as many detailed instructions as possible. He'll probably say he doesn't want to just see you for a few hours and not be able to come home with you, and it'll be harder on all of you for you to go there. Just let him know that you will be devastated if you do NOT go, knowing that you 'could' be with your husband but... Just go. Just TELL him you ARE going and that's that. And tell him about the dream you had, and tell him about your fears, it will help things go much more smoothly. Communicate, communicate and communicate some more. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elfgivas Posted April 11, 2010 Share Posted April 11, 2010 No, do what YOU want to do. Don't let him dictate this, because you will remember it forever and you do NOT want his homecoming to be ruined for you by his 'man-ness'. Get ready anyway, and TELL him that you NEED to go and that you're going to be there. Don't get timid (I know how intimidating they are when they come home, it's just so WEIRD sometimes) and go along with whatever he says. TELL him what YOU need, or he'll just be clueless and hurt your feelings again. I 'know', I have way too much experience at this sort of thing and it took me way too long to realize that I just have to be the 'dictator' and say, "I need for this to happen this way" and give him as many detailed instructions as possible. He'll probably say he doesn't want to just see you for a few hours and not be able to come home with you, and it'll be harder on all of you for you to go there. Just let him know that you will be devastated if you do NOT go, knowing that you 'could' be with your husband but... Just go. Just TELL him you ARE going and that's that. And tell him about the dream you had, and tell him about your fears, it will help things go much more smoothly. Communicate, communicate and communicate some more. :grouphug: amen. he'll be nervous too... and may just choose delaying as a way of dealing with it. bring one of his favorite state side munchy food to leave with him, a new dvd.... and one of his favourite comfie shirts that he hasn't had all this time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ondreeuh Posted April 11, 2010 Author Share Posted April 11, 2010 Well after crying on the phone (ugh!) I think we have figured out how each other feels. He just doesn't trust that the army won't screw things up. For one thing, they are only allowed to travel by shuttle. They are being housed in WWII barracks out of the main base, and with it being Sunday the shuttle service is probably sparse. He is envisioning hundreds of soldiers & family members waiting in a gravel parking lot in the rain for a shuttle that comes once or twice an hour. And he's probably not far off. I'd thought I could reserve a motel room so we would have a place to relax and play games w/ the kids but he is not allowed to enter any lodging. With the weather being crap we can't rely on being able to be outside and my toddler screams if he has to sit still for too long, so it's hard to come up with a way we could relax and enjoy time together. It's also a 2.5 hour drive which adds to the pressure. He was looking forward to a clean transition from Army BS to normal family life - he had pictured coming off the bus at the local armory and being fully DONE w/ Army with no restrictions. I can see it from his perspective. He puts up with all the bureaucracy because he has no choice but he doesn't want it to affect his relationships at home. So I think we will wait until next week. He REALLY needs to work on his delivery, though. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aggie Posted April 11, 2010 Share Posted April 11, 2010 Well after crying on the phone (ugh!) I think we have figured out how each other feels. He just doesn't trust that the army won't screw things up. For one thing, they are only allowed to travel by shuttle. They are being housed in WWII barracks out of the main base, and with it being Sunday the shuttle service is probably sparse. He is envisioning hundreds of soldiers & family members waiting in a gravel parking lot in the rain for a shuttle that comes once or twice an hour. And he's probably not far off. I'd thought I could reserve a motel room so we would have a place to relax and play games w/ the kids but he is not allowed to enter any lodging. With the weather being crap we can't rely on being able to be outside and my toddler screams if he has to sit still for too long, so it's hard to come up with a way we could relax and enjoy time together. It's also a 2.5 hour drive which adds to the pressure. He was looking forward to a clean transition from Army BS to normal family life - he had pictured coming off the bus at the local armory and being fully DONE w/ Army with no restrictions. I can see it from his perspective. He puts up with all the bureaucracy because he has no choice but he doesn't want it to affect his relationships at home. So I think we will wait until next week. He REALLY needs to work on his delivery, though. You know, I was thinking along these lines...not that he didn't want to see y'all, but that he was protecting you from the drive, or if things got changed, etc. :grouphug: And it won't be long, now! :001_smile: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
secular_mom Posted April 11, 2010 Share Posted April 11, 2010 Well, don't talk to any of the other wives this week, you do NOT want to hear about their 'exciting visit with their DH'. Hugs, your DH sounds like my DH. He always has 'practical reasons' for doing things his way. But I always feel so disappointed by his reasons and his ways. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kfamily Posted April 11, 2010 Share Posted April 11, 2010 Just wanted to send these...:grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ondreeuh Posted April 11, 2010 Author Share Posted April 11, 2010 Well, don't talk to any of the other wives this week, you do NOT want to hear about their 'exciting visit with their DH'. Hugs, your DH sounds like my DH. He always has 'practical reasons' for doing things his way. But I always feel so disappointed by his reasons and his ways. Not a problem - we aren't involved in the FRG and I live a wholly civilian life (dh is National Guard). My dh is very practical too and if there's one thing I could change about him it would be that he was a little more swayed by emotion. On the other hand, he's so devoted and faithful so maybe I prefer him the way he is! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
asta Posted April 11, 2010 Share Posted April 11, 2010 No, do what YOU want to do. Don't let him dictate this, because you will remember it forever and you do NOT want his homecoming to be ruined for you by his 'man-ness'. Get ready anyway, and TELL him that you NEED to go and that you're going to be there. Don't get timid (I know how intimidating they are when they come home, it's just so WEIRD sometimes) and go along with whatever he says. TELL him what YOU need, or he'll just be clueless and hurt your feelings again. I 'know', I have way too much experience at this sort of thing and it took me way too long to realize that I just have to be the 'dictator' and say, "I need for this to happen this way" and give him as many detailed instructions as possible. He'll probably say he doesn't want to just see you for a few hours and not be able to come home with you, and it'll be harder on all of you for you to go there. Just let him know that you will be devastated if you do NOT go, knowing that you 'could' be with your husband but... Just go. Just TELL him you ARE going and that's that. And tell him about the dream you had, and tell him about your fears, it will help things go much more smoothly. Communicate, communicate and communicate some more. :grouphug: No. That is not the way it works coming out of a war zone. This has absolutely nothing to do with communication and everything to do with decompression. A chaotic situation (unfamiliar territory, multiple modes of transport w/o a firm schedule, not knowing where team members are at all times, etc.), soldiers who have not had a chance to even REMOTELY decompress from the battlefield (which is why they are not being released until next week), and the knowledge that not all family members will make the trip makes whomever came up with the idea for this 7 hour meet and greet on the short list for idiot of the year. While I respect that you may have gone through this situation before, there is a reason that the military no longer simply releases soldiers right off of the plane. Nor do they immediately send them on extended leave, but rather keep them working at least part time. Assimilation back into the "real world" from a combat zone is difficult for even the most seasoned veteran. Tires by the side of the road are suddenly IEDs. Shadows are enemy combatants. Loud noises (innocent things, like, say, a balloon popping) cause extreme adrenaline reactions. This has nothing to do with a husband being "distant" or not "demonstrative in public". This has to do with having seen horrible, horrible things, and trying to realign one's worldview into one that isn't so horrible. That isn't an instantaneous process. asta Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ondreeuh Posted April 11, 2010 Author Share Posted April 11, 2010 No. That is not the way it works coming out of a war zone. This has absolutely nothing to do with communication and everything to do with decompression. A chaotic situation (unfamiliar territory, multiple modes of transport w/o a firm schedule, not knowing where team members are at all times, etc.), soldiers who have not had a chance to even REMOTELY decompress from the battlefield (which is why they are not being released until next week), and the knowledge that not all family members will make the trip makes whomever came up with the idea for this 7 hour meet and greet on the short list for idiot of the year. This is all very true. Weeks ago they decided not to have family visitation until the soldiers were fully released. I have no idea why it changed. Add to this that the email was sent at 11:30 pm and the soldiers still haven't been told anything officially. My husband is a sergeant and there is still a likelihood that he will have meetings today - this was not well planned out. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MeanestMomInMidwest Posted April 11, 2010 Share Posted April 11, 2010 No. That is not the way it works coming out of a war zone. This has absolutely nothing to do with communication and everything to do with decompression. A chaotic situation (unfamiliar territory, multiple modes of transport w/o a firm schedule, not knowing where team members are at all times, etc.), soldiers who have not had a chance to even REMOTELY decompress from the battlefield (which is why they are not being released until next week), and the knowledge that not all family members will make the trip makes whomever came up with the idea for this 7 hour meet and greet on the short list for idiot of the year. While I respect that you may have gone through this situation before, there is a reason that the military no longer simply releases soldiers right off of the plane. Nor do they immediately send them on extended leave, but rather keep them working at least part time. Assimilation back into the "real world" from a combat zone is difficult for even the most seasoned veteran. Tires by the side of the road are suddenly IEDs. Shadows are enemy combatants. Loud noises (innocent things, like, say, a balloon popping) cause extreme adrenaline reactions. This has nothing to do with a husband being "distant" or not "demonstrative in public". This has to do with having seen horrible, horrible things, and trying to realign one's worldview into one that isn't so horrible. That isn't an instantaneous process. asta asta - I always appreciate your forthrightness. But SecularMom's dh is active duty right now, so I'm pretty sure she is giving accurate information based on her current experience, just as you are. Perhaps what she said is "How it works" for her situation, and the OP & SM are speaking of emotional things, not logistical bureaucratic ones. Both posts (yours and the one you quoted) are coming at the situation from different angles. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
asta Posted April 11, 2010 Share Posted April 11, 2010 asta - I always appreciate your forthrightness. But SecularMom's dh is active duty right now, so I'm pretty sure she is giving accurate information based on her current experience, just as you are. Perhaps what she said is "How it works" for her situation, and the OP & SM are speaking of emotional things, not logistical bureaucratic ones. Both posts (yours and the one you quoted) are coming at the situation from different angles. Well, from the pov of an active duty (male) soldier: (yes, I'm taking dictation here) He is still on the job. He may still have things to do. He has asked his wife not to come. What happens if she does come? How will HE feel? How much respect for HIM will he feel his wife has? This isn't Hollywood - this is real life. Oh, and BTW - how is she going to feel when she shows up and he tells her to go home because he doesn't have time for her? a (remember - dictation) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MariannNOVA Posted April 11, 2010 Share Posted April 11, 2010 :hurray: thank you to you, your dh and your family and G-d bless all of you! Have a great visit!:grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ondreeuh Posted April 11, 2010 Author Share Posted April 11, 2010 Well, from the pov of an active duty (male) soldier: (yes, I'm taking dictation here) He is still on the job. He may still have things to do. He has asked his wife not to come. What happens if she does come? How will HE feel? How much respect for HIM will he feel his wife has? This isn't Hollywood - this is real life. Oh, and BTW - how is she going to feel when she shows up and he tells her to go home because he doesn't have time for her? a (remember - dictation) :001_huh: She would feel like she was in the mood to go on a big shopping spree with the money he earned on deployment. And then she would make arrangements for his mother to pick him up from the armory next week and take him back to her house. OK, only partially kidding. You (Asta and Secular_Mom) both have valid points. He hasn't had any time to decompress (although he had a safe job, he's still up to his eyeballs in army stuff). He doesn't want our reunion to be overshadowed by the frustration of having to work within the army rules. He is also very respectful of what I need and want, and if I say that I need to see him, he will support that wholeheartedly. He wants this transition home to be as positive as possible. If that means I come up to make myself feel better, so be it. He personally thinks it would be more positive to wait until we can really reunite our way. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MeanestMomInMidwest Posted April 11, 2010 Share Posted April 11, 2010 Well, from the pov of an active duty (male) soldier: (yes, I'm taking dictation here) He is still on the job. He may still have things to do. He has asked his wife not to come. What happens if she does come? How will HE feel? How much respect for HIM will he feel his wife has? This isn't Hollywood - this is real life. Oh, and BTW - how is she going to feel when she shows up and he tells her to go home because he doesn't have time for her? a (remember - dictation) Well, I can't answer those questions because I'm not inside either the soldier you quoted, the OP's husband, or SM's husband. These are relationship/emotional questions that need to be sorted out by the involved persons. Separate from (but often intertwined with) the military's BS (Bureaucratic Stuff) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Starr Posted April 11, 2010 Share Posted April 11, 2010 :grouphug: It's very difficult. Whatever happens today you already on your way to being together again and working things out. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
katemary63 Posted April 12, 2010 Share Posted April 12, 2010 God bless you and thank you for your families service to our country. We are all truly gratefull! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
5forMe Posted April 12, 2010 Share Posted April 12, 2010 Thank you both for sacrificing for our country! I know you will be glad to wrap your arms around him...it won't be long now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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