Forgiving and rebuilding trust (CC)

[kmacnchs]

Any of you who have been betrayed/lied to by your dh and have a wonderful relationship now? How does that happen? I just found out that my dh has been lying to me for the last 3 mo about something pretty serious. He did not tell me the truth until I found proof and presented it to him. Because of this, it is hard for me to believe even what he "confessed". I told him that I forgive him and that I am choosing to believe him (what he told me happened) but I just have a nagging feeling...

 

I am praying that God will either shed some light on that nagging feeling or make it go away completely. I just can't stop thinking about what he did and how he lied. I think about it all day and it's all I want to talk about when he gets home from work - which I know I shouldn't do but it is what is on my mind.

 

I love him - this is very hard for me...obviously b/c he did what he did and that he lied to me for 3 months but also b/c I have always put him on a pedestal. The Lord has made him everything I am not (even-keeled, wisdom beyond his years, etc.) and now I am questioning if that is all an act. I don't think it is. I like to think I know my own dh (we have been together for 10 yrs) but it's hard!

 

So, any godly Christian women out there been through a similar thing? What do you do to heal your relationship? What do you do to get the images, emotions, and memories out of your head? (I have just started sleeping at night but I still go to bed & wake up thinking about it) There are godly women around me irl but I don't want to tell them b/c I don't want them thinking badly about dh...

[Harriet Vane]

:grouphug:

[justamouse]

:grouphug:

[lionfamily1999]

You really need to talk to your dh about this. Yes, it feels like nagging, but if HE wants you to trust him again, then he's just going to have to park it and listen.

 

We've been through something similar. Believe it or not, the real issue turned out to be something so incredibly stupid (which doesn't make the lie hurt any less). I talked, I ranted, I raved, I yelled, I cried and finally dh broke down, told me everything and we both wept like little kids. There was a lot of release in that.

 

:grouphug:

[SquirrellyMama]

Yes, it feels like nagging, but if HE wants you to trust him again, then he's just going to have to park it and listen.

 

I disagree. If he feels he's being nagged he isn't going to listen or talk.

 

I think you should find someone else to talk to about this. Can you talk to your pastor or the pastor's wife? Tell your dh that you want him to come along. If he refuses then tell him you are going alone. But make sure you go.

 

:grouphug:

 

Kelly

[mamato3 all-boy boys]

((hugs))

 

This happened to us. DH had been addicted to internet p*rnography, and God spoke to him about it at a homeschooling convention (when I was 4 months pregnant and feeling like a cow, thank you very much!). He confessed and over the next year or so, we had to rebuild our relationship. It was hard, but counselling (Christian) helped. Knowing that I wasn't alone in this helped (I read many stories about the addiction to internet p*rn online). He allowed me to set some ground rules on acceptable behavior in our home for a while (I locked him out of the computer at his request and my insistance; allowing me to talk about it whenever necessary, as an example). His humility at allowing me to do what I needed to do to heal helped so much. Yes, humility and total acceptance of blame on his part were huge.

 

Having gone through that I know our relationship is better than it was before. God truly healed him of this addiction. In so doing, it brought us closer and knitted us together more. Of course, I wish we *hadn't* had to go through that, but it was an example of Romans 8:28: "And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose." (NASB)

[Chris in VA]

I'd go to counseling.

Trust is hard to repair. Haven't done that with dh, just ds, so the dynamic is different. The reasons someone feels the need to lie are often convoluted and twisted.

I would examine how I can change to help the marriage. That's all you can control, anyway.

I'm sorry you were hurt.

[SproutMamaK]

I've been there. I was hurt, he said he'd stop, did for a while until I regained trust, and then eventually he'd shatter it again. over and over and over.

 

What finally changed is that (and this will sound corny) he began to love Christ. He had been trying to do good for ME, and for the KID and for HIMSELF. But when all's said and done, his love for me and the kids and even his own good is limited. He needed to sincerely love Christ, and have THAT love be his motivation.

 

Frankly, he's a new man, not just in regards to his problems and our trust issues. Everything is different. He's a better father, a spiritual leader, a caring husband. Until he really understand what love was as modelled by Christ, "got" the meaning of it, accepting it for himself and loved Christ back - there was no way he could love anything or anyone enough to change.

 

In short - work on the problem, but consider what that problem is. Whatever is going on, I'm willing to bet that if you look ahrd enough, at the root of the issue isn't his relationship with you, or his relationship with the kids. It's a problem with his relationship with GOD that's at the root of this, and THAT's what you need to be focusing on with him. If he can get the heart, soul and mind in the right place with Christ, the rest will follow.

[kmacnchs]

This is my struggle: I found "proof" in November and he denied it up and down and he is my husband and he is nearly perfect (in my eyes) so I believed him and apologized for doubting him. This time when I found proof, he denied it again but when I found undeniable proof, I said that if he does not tell me the truth, he will have to move out or we will move out until the truth is told.

 

This is when he told me that he has been lying to me since December - that the "proof" I found in November was not him...so now I question everything! Is he just admitting to what I caught him in? He says he is telling the whole truth but...

 

Thank you for the prayers.

 

I thought about counseling but if he is telling the truth, it is my problem for not being able to move past it (something I have to work on). If he is not telling the truth, what is counseling going to do? It is so surreal...it all came to a head Tuesday, so the wounds are VERY fresh

[SquirrellyMama]

I thought about counseling but if he is telling the truth, it is my problem for not being able to move past it (something I have to work on). If he is not telling the truth, what is counseling going to do? It is so surreal...it all came to a head Tuesday, so the wounds are VERY fresh

 

If it is true and you need to get over it then counseling will help with that. It is hard to do alone. If he isn't telling the truth then you need support and counseling will also help with that. You don't need to do it alone either way. If he goes with you to counseling and he is lying then maybe someone else can get the the truth from him.

 

:grouphug:

[Jean in Newcastle]

T

 

I thought about counseling but if he is telling the truth, it is my problem for not being able to move past it (something I have to work on). If he is not telling the truth, what is counseling going to do? It is so surreal...it all came to a head Tuesday, so the wounds are VERY fresh

 

Can I gently say that I disagree with this. He sinned by lying and perhaps in whatever it was he lied about. There are consequences to that sin. One of the consequences is that his wife cannot trust him. He needs to rebuild that trust. Just saying that he came clean because he was confronted with proof doesn't cut it. I don't think it is nagging to tell your husband that his sin has hurt your marriage and that he needs to come to counseling with you. Depending on what he lied about (he could have lied about going to see a PG movie which would not be sin in and of itself or he could have lied about doing something sinful) then that additional sin or addiction needs to be addressed.

[kmacnchs]

Romans 8:28: "And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose." (NASB)

 

Hard verse to hear at this time but wonderful verse to hear. Thank you.

Every morning, the girls and I read a chapter from the OT & a chapter from the NT. Wednesday morning (the morning after he confessed) the NT chapter was Matthew 18. WOW That hit me hard. That's the one with if your hand causes you to sin, cut it off, etc. (which I want to do with what made him sin but we can't b/c it is also necessary for his business, so not possible). It also talks about forgiving your brother 70x7 times. That is when I decided to forgive him and decided to trust (try to, anyway) his confession. I just wish I could move past it! But, thanks for the verse :001_smile:

[*Inna*]

:grouphug:

 

You can forgive someone, but not to trust until you see a complete repentance and complete openness.

 

This topic is very painful to me.

I can't talk for everybody else, but for me when I had "this nagging feeling" it was usually an indicator that he is not honest with me, that something is going on.

 

What I did was a lot of praying. Praying for specific things like exposing everything that's hidden, for changing my husband's heart, for drawing him closer to the Lord, for taking a specific person out of our life. Submitting completely to His will and trusting His plan for me (Jeremiah 29:11-14)

 

Ask the Lord to direct your actions. The most amazing things happened when I asked for that.

 

It's interesting that this verse (Romans 8:28) came to me at that trying time and I actually put it up on a mirror.

 

If you ask questions and your husband is evasive, if he's getting angry and indignant, if he's telling you that you need to trust him - that means (in my experience) he is not repentant and he is still hiding something.

 

You can't make him to be honest with you and you can't change his heart. Only the Lord can.

 

Now, to answer your initial question - our relationship is amazing now. Everything that we went trough changed us both. Our faith, our priorities, our relationship with our children is unrecognizable. We work hard on our marriage and never take each other for granted. We're completely honest with each other. It took a lot of time to get there.

 

Get help. Counseling, pastor, friends. Read the articles on www.marriagebuilders.com

[kmacnchs]

Thank you everyone.

 

I am a fixer and so it is throwing me for a loop that even after I said aloud, "I forgive you and I trust that you told me the whole truth" I am still having problems. Guess it just takes time :glare:

 

The weird (?) part is that my love for him has not waned at all...I still love him like crazy, don't want to tell anyone irl b/c I don't want to ruin his reputation, still want to be with him all the time, just like before...I just can't seem to shut my brain off thinking about these last 3 months and all that we did together (just us 2 & as a family) while he was lying to me...then there's the possibility that it was longer than 3 mo - he says it wasn't...grrrrr

 

I HATE THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[KidsHappen]

I am neither godly nor Christian but I have btdt. I honestly can not remember how we managed to work things through but I know that it took a very long time (years) and a lot of work on both our parts. I have forgiven him now but I have not forgotten and I don't know that I will until senility sets in (which in my case shouldn't be too long :tongue_smilie:) I agree with the pp who said that he broke your trust and now he has to work to regain it. It doesn't matter if anyone thinks otherwise, it simply is the way it is. In the mean time, it wouldn't hurt for you to have someone to talk to about it (I recommend a counselor not a friend or family member). I also posted about my struggles here vaguely (due to board rules) and found tremendous support and excellent advice from a few trusted women. I hope that you can find the same kind of support and you and your hubby can heal your relationship. It is possible. :grouphug:

[kelouis75]

I disagree. If he feels he's being nagged he isn't going to listen or talk.

 

I think you should find someone else to talk to about this. Can you talk to your pastor or the pastor's wife? Tell your dh that you want him to come along. If he refuses then tell him you are going alone. But make sure you go.

 

:grouphug:

 

Kelly

 

:grouphug::iagree:This is wise advice and if you can't go to your church find a good Christian counselor.