lakotajm Posted February 25, 2010 Share Posted February 25, 2010 Amen! When I read some of these "Just be warm and loving and reconnect" answers, I am reminded of a book I once read, Beautiful Child. The special ed assitant teacher was like this and it struck me (and the author) as so emotionally dishonest and not reflective of reality and respect/boundaries. While the music deleting maybe was a little bit over the top, I totally see her point if the music was that bad, and it does affect their psyche-I know it did with me. I used to listen to Dr. Laura, and was fascinated with someof her suggestions for parents of teens who were way off the rebelling scale. She was very serious about tough love, and very concerned and seemed to truly care that they realized how serious it can be. Sometimes they need a serious wake-up call. Definitely take it all away and make them earn it all back-literally, with chores, a job, volunteer work, behavior, etc. I am unsure why she cannot homeschool. Since she didn't have time to elaborate...who knows? But a lot of people say that when what they really mean is "I am too attached to my career, the money and the security it brings, my comfort zone, my big screen tv or just having adult conversations" We all have our comfort zones. It is scary to homeschool-all of us here probably have our own amazing stories of how ew never would have imagined ourselves choosing to go beyond our personal comfort zones to homeschool, until... Maybe this is the until? Lakota Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tex-mex Posted February 25, 2010 Share Posted February 25, 2010 (edited) You guys sound like you have some big relationship issues that need to get sorted out and pulling her out might help you address that if you're careful about it. Maybe you could incorporate some outings and activities together that would help you relate to each other. Homeschooling is fine but if you guys are at each other all day how far will it get you? So use it as a time to reconnect if possible? I am wondering if counseling is needed? If hsing isn't an option I'd keep her in the private school. You said it isn't the issue. Yes, this could backfire on you -- especially for her Senior year. You cannot choose her friends. She has to make that choice. Regardless, I'd take away car and phone priviledges. She can't be trusted and has proved that. :iagree: When it comes to her music, I really wouldn't go and delete them off her ipod. The car and phone are yours and you pay the bills but the ipod is her property and disrespecting that will only help her justify her disrepect of your property and rules. I know the music isn't acceptable to you but instead, could you see why it's acceptable to her? Ask her about it, what attracts her to it whether it's some message under the swearing or it's just a strong beat or it's some emotional fix she gets? Kids do this, retreat into music that angers there parents when they feel there's a distance between their parents and themselves. Sometimes they use that music to say the things they feel they can't so that when you delete it or ban it the child interprets that as you shutting them up. So get interested in the music and be willing to hear her out about it. The going into her stuff and deleting the iPod is a DEALBREAKER. You are showing her you don't trust her and this can be the tip of the iceberg for her rebellion. Have you sat down and tried to find out why she likes the music? It could be an emotional fix for her. Music will not corrupt her soul... from a Christian POV it can be a door to rebellion... she may be into it for youth rebellion or she may really find a point with the lyrics. Is this a battle worth dying for? No. She has to learn from her mistakes. -------- ETA: I have a close friend who loves her dd very much -- but this girl has been so strong willed despite all of the patience, strict discipline, and boundaries in her life. She has tried to run away, made friends with a cyber stalker (at public school's computer lab), pulled from public to private school to homeschool in less than 5 years, and has very few friends. They did the TOUGH LOVE with taking away things and being very strict. They even at one point sent her to live with relatives to get her away from the bad crowd of friends. When she was in her senior year, she got a job p/t and this led to a boyfriend (her first love) who was very less than desirable. She ran away from home 2x to be with this boy. Police were involved as he is over 18. Now she is old enough to do what she wants -- she never finished her high school diploma and lives with this boy in a trailer park (no money) while she is 4 months pregnant. Her parents have kicked her out -- basically said they cannot have her back in their lives as she is clearly so out of control. They are happy to be grandparents but grieve over their child's choices in life. Why do I share this? The girl's parents tried all types of methods including counseling to get her on the path to wise choices. Her parents were college educated people with strong moral values. They were teachers in a very rural area and lived in a lovely home. Their faith is amazing in God and personally I know they were GREAT parents. Sometimes, you cannot lead a horse to water, kwim? Our children will grow up and make mistakes or terrible choices in life. What you need to do (as my friends are doing) is set firm boundaries and to not judge them -- love them with open arms should they ever want to come back home. Some kids fly out of the nest and never look back or come home. It isn't your fault. Just keep loving them as Christ would do. They'll recall how much wisdom you offered when they were younger and hopefully turn around. :grouphug: Edited February 25, 2010 by tex-mex Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KathyBC Posted February 25, 2010 Share Posted February 25, 2010 As I read your posts I can't help but see how much you love your daughter. You are not willing for her to listen to songs about murder and killing, to break the law in a vehicle - and you're willing to impose limits that are probably not welcome. You clearly have her best interests at heart. All I can offer is to reinforce the suggestion of Hold On To Your Kids by Dr. Gordon Neufeld. He writes about how peer orientation leads to kids stuck in immaturity; how it undermines parenting; and has three very powerful sections on how to reclaim our kids. What you are going through transcends where she goes to school - the relationship between you must be in place before you will have any genuine power. You said My husband and I want to do everything possible to help her out before she is out of the house and off to college. I believe you! Kids aren't mature enough to even see the need for it. You are obviously willing to work on this. I wish you all the best in the coming months. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KathyBC Posted February 25, 2010 Share Posted February 25, 2010 Amen! When I read some of these "Just be warm and loving and reconnect" answers, I am reminded of a book I once read, Beautiful Child. The special ed assitant teacher was like this and it struck me (and the author) as so emotionally dishonest and not reflective of reality and respect/boundaries. While the music deleting maybe was a little bit over the top, I totally see her point if the music was that bad, and it does affect their psyche-I know it did with me. I've read those kinds of books and I get what you're saying. If that's how Hold On To Your Kids is coming across, we're all doing it a disservice and you should probably read it yourself and form your own opinion from the original. Of course parents need to create structures and impose restrictions. That's our job - to present reality firmly. But by the time a situation has reached this impasse, the kid in question is no longer looking to parents as their guide to life. How do we as parents assume our rightful position in our children's lives? How we relate to our children outside of these incidents is vital. NOTHING is more important than regaining some sort of bridge to them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Denisemomof4 Posted February 25, 2010 Share Posted February 25, 2010 oldest ds, who is responsible and a good kid, was caught with friends in the car during a period of time where he wasn't allowed. he lost his driving privileges on all days but work days, where he was allowed to drive to school and then to work. He was told if the friends were caught in the car again, he'd lose the car and the job. period. During a period of 2 - 3 months he took the bus home on the days he didn't work, which was 3 weekdays. And he wasn't allowed to drive anywhere but to work on the weekends. About all the other rebellion, I do believe she wouldn't do well in PS either, but I don't think she deserves the $12,000 per year tuition. I'd pull her butt and not allow her to have any privileges at all. Also, I would NOT save that money to help towards a car or a college. Dh and I have told our kids that their first year in college, they're on their own, If they want our help financially, they need to show us their grades. Knowing what they're capable of, we're NOT going to accept mediocre or bad grades. We will help if their studies prove to be their first priority, NOT if their social life is what they're putting more time and effort into. I'm a pretty tough cookie. I watch my parents enable my brother ALL HIS LIFE and now he's in his 40's, parents both died in the past year and a half, and he can barely survive on his own. I teach my kids responsibility at a very early age and hold them accountable to their choices. It's not easy, but it's best for them. I would not enable your daughter. Your time with her is running out, and I'd make sure you make the most of that. Pulling her out of school and not allowing he to drive would be absolute MUSTS in my book. You can do online schooling with her if you won't want the burden of taking on an 11th grader. It would really be a huge on you. Use that money you're saving to enroll her for online classes. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Renee in NC Posted February 25, 2010 Share Posted February 25, 2010 If nothing changes, she'll be an adult soon - legally at least - and she will have to learn the hard way. I am wondering who is paying her car insurance, the gasoline, who will pay for college when she graduates, what kind of contribution to these expenses is she offering? You could also go this route: Treat her like an adult. She has to pay for everything except the roof over her head and the food on her plate. No extra gifts, everything has to be supported by her job. If she does not have one she'll be looking for one soon. She is rather old for a heavy handed approach IMHO. But you have to decide what you think will make the most (and positive) impact. I would have no problem with this. Giving a teen more responsibility is a good thing. Treating her like the adult she will be in less than a year is a better approach than treating her as the child she isn't anymore. It isn't punishment, but rather reality. I don't think that the heavy-handed approach will achieve what the OP is looking for - a good relationship with her daughter. At 17, the rearing is done, KWIM? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Renee in NC Posted February 25, 2010 Share Posted February 25, 2010 Amen! When I read some of these "Just be warm and loving and reconnect" answers, I am reminded of a book I once read, Beautiful Child. The special ed assitant teacher was like this and it struck me (and the author) as so emotionally dishonest and not reflective of reality and respect/boundaries. While the music deleting maybe was a little bit over the top, I totally see her point if the music was that bad, and it does affect their psyche-I know it did with me. I used to listen to Dr. Laura, and was fascinated with someof her suggestions for parents of teens who were way off the rebelling scale. She was very serious about tough love, and very concerned and seemed to truly care that they realized how serious it can be. Sometimes they need a serious wake-up call. Definitely take it all away and make them earn it all back-literally, with chores, a job, volunteer work, behavior, etc. I am unsure why she cannot homeschool. Since she didn't have time to elaborate...who knows? But a lot of people say that when what they really mean is "I am too attached to my career, the money and the security it brings, my comfort zone, my big screen tv or just having adult conversations" We all have our comfort zones. It is scary to homeschool-all of us here probably have our own amazing stories of how ew never would have imagined ourselves choosing to go beyond our personal comfort zones to homeschool, until... Maybe this is the until? Lakota I am not a just be warm and loving and reconnect type. I am just not that way, so from me it *would* be emotionally dishonest. I just don't think a 17yo is a kid that needs to be punished. Natural consequences, yes. Arbitrary punishment (or across the board separation) doesn't seem to work. Make her get a job. If she isn't getting good grades or is getting in trouble at school, stop paying for the expensive private school. If she broke the law in the car, she doesn't get to use the car. Make her pay for her own things (this is a no-brainer in my house - my 11yo earns money for his own activities.) I get that I only have one teen and he has been pretty easy. Or maybe he hasn't, but it didn't phase me.:tongue_smilie: We started preparing him for adulthood at about 12, but gradually increasing the responsibility and freedom while easing up on the detail-management. My next one won't be so easy, so maybe I'll be back here in 5 years looking for advice!:tongue_smilie: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joyfullyblessed Posted February 25, 2010 Author Share Posted February 25, 2010 Hello everyone, I am back once again because I am feeling refreshed this morning, plus I feel I need to address some of the things people are saying in regards to my thread. Yesterday I just had to step away for a while. I am really already so worn down from this situation and some of the responses were getting to me a little more than I had anticipated. It was a good choice to stop reading and take some time away. The first thing I wanted to address was this comment in one of the posts... I am unsure why she cannot homeschool. Since she didn't have time to elaborate...who knows? But a lot of people say that when what they really mean is "I am too attached to my career, the money and the security it brings, my comfort zone, my big screen tv or just having adult conversations" We all have our comfort zones. It is scary to homeschool-all of us here probably have our own amazing stories of how ew never would have imagined ourselves choosing to go beyond our personal comfort zones to homeschool, until... Maybe this is the until? I explained that I simply did not have time to go into detail on why I am choosing not to homeschool my daughter. Why did I not have time to elaborate on that? Well, I AM very busy during the day. You see, I didn't run to watch TV (I don't even own a big screen), I am not attached to my career & the money it provides, I didn't have a conversation with another adult, and I rarely get to enjoy my "comfort zone". I run an in-home childcare and my days are very hectic. I have to keep busy with these children all the time. I have a daily schedule and I do allow myself some computer time, but not much. In home childcare is something I do so that I can be home for my children, not something that is my dream job. And it certainly does not bring in tons of money. However, that does not matter to me because I WANT to be here for my kids and I do love my home. I actually do homeschool my five year old son also. This is our first year doing this and we are loving it. If I had known about homeschooling years ago, I would have done the same with my daughter. Oh, and there is NO adult conversation going on here during the day. Just lots of talk about Sesame Street, somebody not sharing a toy, someone having to go to the potty for the millionth time, who hit who or who took away a toy from someone, etc..... You get the picture. No adults to talk to here... just lots of little people. My comfort zone would be a place of true peace and quiet. I think I ONLY find my comfort zone when I take a shower or hide out in the master bathroom. :D Sooooo, to that poster, you were really wrong about those things. I work my tail off daily around my house. No couch potatoes here. The reason that I choose not to homeschool my daughter is because I know that right now I would not be able to do it properly to where it would truly benefit her at this time. My daughter excels in her academics. She takes lots and lots of honors & AP classes. She is an extremely smart cookie! Yes, I am smart, but I tend to really do well in the elementary area with lots of common sense thrown into the mix. My daughter is all about history/government/law/debates, etc.... I wouldn't even know where to begin there. I am all about decorating, photography, organizing, reading, etc.... We are complete opposites. Plus, at this time, with all the stresses and tensions that we are currently dealing with, I do not think that she would cooperate very well with me home schooling her. Since she does SO well in her academics and that is not the problem area, we will leave that one alone. Besides, she already believes with all her heart that I am ruining her brother by homeschooling him. :001_smile: COUNSELING... I just want to address this because someone posted that if I thought that I could send my daughter to a counselor thinking they would say she was 100% wrong, I would be sadly disappointed. Well, seeing as how I never said or implied that my daughter is completely, 100% wrong, I don't think I will be sadly disappointed. I greatly realize that all of us need to improve in areas and try to see things from different point of views. That is why we will be doing family counseling along with individual counseling for my daughter. ABOUT THE CAR.... I know that I mentioned somewhere in this thread that if we were to pull our daughter from the private school and place her into public school (which we are not going to do), we could save the money going towards tuition right now and apply it towards possibly buying her a car or helping with college. Let me explain. We are not just handing over money to our daughter and saying "go buy a car now since you have been so untrustworthy". No, we are not that crazy. The money paying for our daughters tuition is legally her money. What I mean is that this money comes from social security checks that she receives from her dad monthly. You see, her dad passed away when she was only one year old. For years, I used that money specifically for my daughters' needs. Once she hit middle school, I decided that sending her to a private school would be a great option because the middle school in our district was just terrible. I wanted the best for my daughter. I could have never done this on my own, but chose to use that money to send her to a good, private school. We have always looked at this as a great gift from her dad even though he is not still here with us today. She loves this too. So, that money is hers. However, it is in an account with my name attached. I have LOTS of hope that by the time she can use any of it herself, we will have seen many positive changes. Also, concerning college, she will be hopefully getting scholarships and grants to help cover the cost involved. My daughter wants to go to a college that is QUITE expensive, and she knows that the money is not going to come from us simply because we don't have that kind of money. She is searching out scholarships now as a matter of fact. RECONNECT... I definitely hear everyone on this topic. I plan on looking at the book that has been suggested also. My daughter is most definitely a follower of her friends and right now that is proving to be a bad thing. We do not have the funds at all to actually go on a long trip. However, I do try to connect with my daughter daily. We do go on shopping trips sometimes (even if it is just window shopping) and grab a coffee at the coffee shop. I try to do little things like make her favorite meals just for her, pick up small things at the store from time to time that she may enjoy, etc.... I want her to always know how loved and treasured she is in this family, despite her huge efforts to pull away from us all the time here lately. I hope that one day she will come back around. I want her to know that we didn't and won't abandon her, especially when times are difficult. It is beautiful when I do see that lovely part of her which right now is just buried deep within due to these issues. I see my little girl again, and it is just wonderful, so I know that person is still there. The teenage years are just so tough. :sad: Well, I think I have explained a few of the things a little clearer now. I better go now. It has literally taken me over the span of two hours to type this thing out. No, not because of selfish interests, but because of constant distractions that I am having to attend to here. It is really busy! :001_smile: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hockey Mom Posted February 25, 2010 Share Posted February 25, 2010 (edited) I agree with "why should we continue to pay for this???", but I just can't get past the thought that next year will be her senior year and would it just devastate her to be pulled from school & put into another during that time. Didn't read all of the responses, so this may have been pointed out already. How devastated will you be if you find out she's doing drugs, drinking, and/or sex? How devastated would you be if she got into a car accident (with friends in the car)? There are just so many scenarios that don't end well with this type of situation. :( I don't mean to sound harsh, but...BTDT. I pulled my DD from PS two months into her Junior year. She was hugely upset about it. Our issues stemmed from a boyfriend (her first boyfriend). He had a rather...shady background. It was unhealthy for my DD. So Dh and I pulled her out, and put her into a private Christian school. After we pulled DD from PS, we gave DD very clear boundaries and expectations. We pulled her from PS without notice to her, so she didn't have time for her friends and teachers to work her into a frenzy. It all happened very quickly for her. My thinking was, 'a clean break is easier to manage than a messy one'. And it was. DD does volunteer work at a veterinarian's office, has a part-time job (conditions of getting to drive), and goes to school and church. She doesn't have time to get in trouble. Her friends are all good kids who are in the same situation she is; getting ready for college, and not having much spare time to get into trouble. I think you should pull your DD from the school if the people around her in school are unhealthy for her. Your DD will most definitely NOT like you for about a month. But put the boundaries in place (and in writing) and she will get over it. ETA: My DD was a very good student as well...AP classes, honors, etc. Sometimes the smart ones are the hardest to manage. But as long as you do what is in her best interest...whether she likes it or not, you will be doing the right thing. I also wanted to add, that the boyfriend was into drugs and abusive toward his (single) mother. It had nothing to do with sex (thank God). Edited February 25, 2010 by Hockey Mom Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hockey Mom Posted February 25, 2010 Share Posted February 25, 2010 It's called "being the parents". What you say goes. Just wait until she is employed someday and breaks the rules or mouths off to her boss. She is going to find herself without a job and without a way to pay her bills. It's far better she get a healthy dose of reality now. It sounds like she only recently implemented these changes. Sometimes it takes awhile for them to "get it". Teenagers are very good at attempting to make your life a living h*ll when they don't get their way. You don't give in even if they are successful at that attempt. It's also a matter of principle. They are paying for the computer, the car, etc. They should not have to financially support activities that go against their beliefs. Restricting her use of certain things, especially the car, and limiting her contact with certain people not only lessens the bad influences; it limits the possibility of her getting herself into some real trouble, maybe even a situation that's potentially dangerous. I'm on my third teenager. Parents of teens should get combat pay. :iagree::iagree::iagree: Should have just read the thread. :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fairfarmhand Posted February 25, 2010 Share Posted February 25, 2010 Could she not benefit from college classes? Many homeschooling parents of kids this age enter them into dual enrollment at a community colleges. There they earn college and high school credits at the same time and the burden of work is not on mom and dad. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harriet Vane Posted February 25, 2010 Share Posted February 25, 2010 Hello everyone, I am back once again because I am feeling refreshed this morning, plus I feel I need to address some of the things people are saying in regards to my thread. Yesterday I just had to step away for a while. I am really already so worn down from this situation and some of the responses were getting to me a little more than I had anticipated. It was a good choice to stop reading and take some time away. The first thing I wanted to address was this comment in one of the posts... I explained that I simply did not have time to go into detail on why I am choosing not to homeschool my daughter. Why did I not have time to elaborate on that? Well, I AM very busy during the day. You see, I didn't run to watch TV (I don't even own a big screen), I am not attached to my career & the money it provides, I didn't have a conversation with another adult, and I rarely get to enjoy my "comfort zone". I run an in-home childcare and my days are very hectic. I have to keep busy with these children all the time. I have a daily schedule and I do allow myself some computer time, but not much. In home childcare is something I do so that I can be home for my children, not something that is my dream job. And it certainly does not bring in tons of money. However, that does not matter to me because I WANT to be here for my kids and I do love my home. I actually do homeschool my five year old son also. This is our first year doing this and we are loving it. If I had known about homeschooling years ago, I would have done the same with my daughter. Oh, and there is NO adult conversation going on here during the day. Just lots of talk about Sesame Street, somebody not sharing a toy, someone having to go to the potty for the millionth time, who hit who or who took away a toy from someone, etc..... You get the picture. No adults to talk to here... just lots of little people. My comfort zone would be a place of true peace and quiet. I think I ONLY find my comfort zone when I take a shower or hide out in the master bathroom. :D Sooooo, to that poster, you were really wrong about those things. I work my tail off daily around my house. No couch potatoes here. The reason that I choose not to homeschool my daughter is because I know that right now I would not be able to do it properly to where it would truly benefit her at this time. My daughter excels in her academics. She takes lots and lots of honors & AP classes. She is an extremely smart cookie! Yes, I am smart, but I tend to really do well in the elementary area with lots of common sense thrown into the mix. My daughter is all about history/government/law/debates, etc.... I wouldn't even know where to begin there. I am all about decorating, photography, organizing, reading, etc.... We are complete opposites. Plus, at this time, with all the stresses and tensions that we are currently dealing with, I do not think that she would cooperate very well with me home schooling her. Since she does SO well in her academics and that is not the problem area, we will leave that one alone. Besides, she already believes with all her heart that I am ruining her brother by homeschooling him. :001_smile: COUNSELING... I just want to address this because someone posted that if I thought that I could send my daughter to a counselor thinking they would say she was 100% wrong, I would be sadly disappointed. Well, seeing as how I never said or implied that my daughter is completely, 100% wrong, I don't think I will be sadly disappointed. I greatly realize that all of us need to improve in areas and try to see things from different point of views. That is why we will be doing family counseling along with individual counseling for my daughter. ABOUT THE CAR.... I know that I mentioned somewhere in this thread that if we were to pull our daughter from the private school and place her into public school (which we are not going to do), we could save the money going towards tuition right now and apply it towards possibly buying her a car or helping with college. Let me explain. We are not just handing over money to our daughter and saying "go buy a car now since you have been so untrustworthy". No, we are not that crazy. The money paying for our daughters tuition is legally her money. What I mean is that this money comes from social security checks that she receives from her dad monthly. You see, her dad passed away when she was only one year old. For years, I used that money specifically for my daughters' needs. Once she hit middle school, I decided that sending her to a private school would be a great option because the middle school in our district was just terrible. I wanted the best for my daughter. I could have never done this on my own, but chose to use that money to send her to a good, private school. We have always looked at this as a great gift from her dad even though he is not still here with us today. She loves this too. So, that money is hers. However, it is in an account with my name attached. I have LOTS of hope that by the time she can use any of it herself, we will have seen many positive changes. Also, concerning college, she will be hopefully getting scholarships and grants to help cover the cost involved. My daughter wants to go to a college that is QUITE expensive, and she knows that the money is not going to come from us simply because we don't have that kind of money. She is searching out scholarships now as a matter of fact. RECONNECT... I definitely hear everyone on this topic. I plan on looking at the book that has been suggested also. My daughter is most definitely a follower of her friends and right now that is proving to be a bad thing. We do not have the funds at all to actually go on a long trip. However, I do try to connect with my daughter daily. We do go on shopping trips sometimes (even if it is just window shopping) and grab a coffee at the coffee shop. I try to do little things like make her favorite meals just for her, pick up small things at the store from time to time that she may enjoy, etc.... I want her to always know how loved and treasured she is in this family, despite her huge efforts to pull away from us all the time here lately. I hope that one day she will come back around. I want her to know that we didn't and won't abandon her, especially when times are difficult. It is beautiful when I do see that lovely part of her which right now is just buried deep within due to these issues. I see my little girl again, and it is just wonderful, so I know that person is still there. The teenage years are just so tough. :sad: Well, I think I have explained a few of the things a little clearer now. I better go now. It has literally taken me over the span of two hours to type this thing out. No, not because of selfish interests, but because of constant distractions that I am having to attend to here. It is really busy! :001_smile: :grouphug: It is hard to see/understand a person's life from just what is posted, and each of us respond out of our own context and life experience. Sometimes our responses don't match your reality--and sometimes people are insensitive and rude. I'm sorry if anything I posted hurt you. It seems you have really good reasons for leaving your dd at her school, especially the fact that her grades are good and she is almost done there. Having read more of your posts, I think I agree with those who have suggested more adult responsibilities, natural consequences, and extra connection with you. The car should probably continue to not be available to her--that is a natural consequence of her choices. As for her peers, I'm not sure what to tell you there--my instinct is to advise pouring whatever extra time you have into connecting more intensely with your dd, and perhaps trying to facilitate as much of her socializing right in your own home where your presence can help these kids exercise some restraint? I mentioned in my earlier post that I have no teens myself, but have worked through some rough things with my sisters and with teens in ministry context. Most of the teens I have worked with actually, desperately needed more restrictions. However, my little sister was one for whom restriction would have been very detrimental--for various reasons what she needed was a strong emotional connection. All this to say that different teens need different things--you are the mother who is praying and agonizing over this, and I am sure God will continue to show you what your dear daughter needs. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Halcyon Posted February 25, 2010 Share Posted February 25, 2010 Have you read Hold onto Your Kids? Highly recommended. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IdahoHomeschooler Posted February 25, 2010 Share Posted February 25, 2010 Everyone has their currency. Hers is probably pretty easy to figure out. There is no reason that she needs access to a vehicle at this time. She has repeated demonstrated that she is not mature enough to be behind a 2 ton killing machine. Take away her license and make her earn it back. If you have a policy about music that she is repeatedly violating, then no more ipod. If it would be devastating for her to be removed from the private school that she is at, then you can lay down the strict guidelines under which she is allowed to stay. Any violation and she is out of there. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cathmom Posted February 25, 2010 Share Posted February 25, 2010 Could she not benefit from college classes? Many homeschooling parents of kids this age enter them into dual enrollment at a community colleges. There they earn college and high school credits at the same time and the burden of work is not on mom and dad. Yes, that is a good idea! I was not in the situation your dd is, but when my parents, my teachers, and the principal of my high school had a meeting to discuss my situation, the principal saw my grades and my NHS membership and said, "Why doesn't she just go to college?" My principal wrote a letter of recommendation and I went to the nearby state university. In what would have been my senior year, I took the 2 credits I still needed for high school as college classes and received a regular high school diploma plus 12 college credits. Being out of high school did me a world of good! It sounds like this could be a good plan for your dd, since she is so bright. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lakotajm Posted February 25, 2010 Share Posted February 25, 2010 I am sorry if I came across kinda snarky. It was not my intention. But you know how it is when you are up too late typing ; ) As I prefaced my somewhat snarky comments with reiterating that OP had said she could not elaborate due to not having time, I was trying to say that this was perhaps not necessarily true (the self-centered type reasons for not hs). More talking in general about how the notion of hs can be very scary, whatever our reasons, KWIM? Yes, she does seem to have her hands full. Just saying that maybe this is the kind of crisis which should maybe compel her to try whatever she can to be a little less busy. I remember that I was very much like her daughter when I was 17 going on 18. I thought I was flexing my adult muscles. But I had no clue what being an adult meant-I had the freedom part in my mind and not the responsibility and respecting others part. But I do feel, like other posters, that the ipod thing will backfire. Definitely have conversations about the music, but leave it at that. She wants to be thought of as an adult. She nearly is, just hasn't got it all figured out yet. I love the college idea! Also, many public high schools have a night class option where you earn credit and get a hs diploma. But the crowd may be different. Or maybe correspondence classes. Her interests even sound like mine at that age-I wonder if someone spliced my dna and sent it your way? Good luck! A very repentant Lakota Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brenda in FL Posted February 26, 2010 Share Posted February 26, 2010 :grouphug: I have no suggestions for you - but maybe some encouragement - Your daughter sounds just like my sister-in-law. She put the whole family through hell from about age 16 to 22. However - She has survived, the family has survived - She is married, has a two year old, and is about to have a daughter. They are both christians and active in their church. It really is amazing . . . But it was hard - and really - a miracle that she made it through those years. Don't give up - trust your instincts as parents - and keep praying for her protection and safety through this time. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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