How do you teach a 10-year-old boy to work independently?

[tdeveson]

Ds will basically stop working if I'm not right there with him. For example, if I give him two pages of practice problems to do for math, he'll get up and come find me after every problem. I've asked him repeatedly to save it and show me the whole thing, but it seems like he's incapable of sitting still and doing an entire page without getting up and wondering off to find me.

 

He'll come and ask me for instructions. When I ask him if he read the instructions on the paper, he'll look at me like I just landed in a space ship.

 

If I'm right there with him, then he'll start a conversation about something completely unrelated. It seems that I'm constantly having to direct him back to his work. He's always polite and gentle when I ask him to go back to work, but it lasts exactly three minutes.

 

He's not normally clingy and when he's playing he could care less where I am or what I'm doing. I thought he'd outgrow this, but he's just as demanding of attention as he was last year. I'm really starting to see this as a work ethic issue, and that is something that needs to be addressed.

 

I don't remember having to give his sister formal lessons in working independently. When she was in fifth grade, I could give her a list of things to do, give her the instructions required, and send her off to complete her assignments.

 

How can I teach her brother to do the same?:banghead:

[OneRoomSchoolHouse]

I have a dd just like this...:bigear:

[Lucy in Australia]

I don't know what your DS is like, but with my 10 year old it was definitely a discipline issue. I knew he was perfectly capable of doing the work required of him, so I had to start removing privileges when he didn't work. He always knew I was there if he got stuck on something, but if he didn't complete his work, he missed out on stuff. It's a work in progress, and it's so hard being consistent but it's slowly getting better.

 

I started off setting fairly small amounts of work to be done independently, so that I knew it was easily achievable by him, and gradually increased the amount.

[NoPlaceLikeHome]

With my ds I have had many heart to hearts regarding being a big boy, listening to instructions, and doing school work in a timely fashion since I will not always be his teacher;) I try to tell him that this is what teachers will expect of him and that I will not always be his teacher.

 

Perhaps you could try a timer set with an ample amount of time for the assigned work. Review the instructions and your expectations as to trying to do the work without your help after your teaching the lesson to the best of his ability. I would stress that this is important life skill to master and give several examples of jobs that require following instructions such as pilots, nuclear engineers, nurses, etc. I would also stress that he should master this skill of independence and listening to instructions for himself since he is worth it. Now I do try to make it light hearted in these talks with jokes and such, but at the same time I am serious. Lastly, if he does not complete the work in the allotted time, then you could assign it as homework for later that evening.

 

Another thing is when he gets up to find you before he he is done, be firm and tell him that is not the instructions you gave. I also tell ds that it is ok if he gets something wrong and that we will go over it when he is done. I also expect him to do his work in a fashion as if he was handing his work in to a teacher on many occasions since I, at the very least, will not be his teacher in college;)

 

If you try many measures and they do not work,then you may want to seek professional advice. I also believe that my son will not be totally independent until 13-14 and I will still have to supervise since kids will be kids. However, I am trying to teach him independence in all aspects of his life slowly but surely:) I am also seeing gradual improvements.

[NoPlaceLikeHome]

I don't know what your DS is like, but with my 10 year old it was definitely a discipline issue. I knew he was perfectly capable of doing the work required of him, so I had to start removing privileges when he didn't work. He always knew I was there if he got stuck on something, but if he didn't complete his work, he missed out on stuff. It's a work in progress, and it's so hard being consistent but it's slowly getting better.

 

I started off setting fairly small amounts of work to be done independently, so that I knew it was easily achievable by him, and gradually increased the amount.

:iagree: I agree with this as well since I believe it is normal for kids to try their best to get out of work. My son often whines. I tell him that we often have to do things that we do not want to do. I also tell him that if I tell him he does not have to do the school work and he ends up not learning the things he needs to know to get a job, then he will blame me for not teaching him;) OTOH I try to break things up and make things as fun or interesting as possible. However, there will always be a certain amount of work and drill that needs to be done to get the job done right so to speak:)

[Samiam]

Maybe a week or two of "retraining" on how to work on his own.

 

Perhaps sitting next to him while he is specifically told to read the directions. Just read the directions.

 

Now, tell me what the directions told you to do.

 

Okay, now go ahead and work on it. I will sit here as you do it. Let me know if you have questions.

 

You're done? Great, let me check your work.

 

A week or two of this, and clarification if in fact he is understanding the directions.

 

Kind of a waste of your time during that two weeks, but no really, if it gets him going down the right path.

 

Then start to ease away. Read the directions, do the work, I'll sit here.

 

Then I will be right back, get started. Then, just let me know when you are done.

 

Once you are at this point, and if there is still dwaddle, you can give a time limit, and advise after the time is up, whatever is left will have to be put aside for "homework" later in the day. A few times of this quickly corrected my DS's dwaddling, since homework happened during his normal "free" time.

[Joanne]

Toni,

 

I have the definitive answer!

 

Wait 3 or more years. :D

 

I'm not trying to be snarky. I'm serious. Is this your oldest child or oldest boy? It's common and expected that he'll need you nearby for a while yet to stay focused and on task. Yes, he's probably cognitively capable of the work; but developmentally he needs you there to help him with the impulse control because, let's be honest, a lot of school work is boring!

[Amira]

The thing that has helped my boys (9 and 10) start working independently is for me to get out of the house. I take the 2-year-old outside and give my older boys a list of things to get done while I'm gone. They know that if there is something they can't figure out, they can skip that part and go onto something else. They also know that they have to get their schoolwork done before doing anything else fun, but if they work quickly and well, they'll have time to play before I come back inside. I help them later if there was something they had to skip. But just not having me available has helped them realize how much they can do on their own.

 

We're all a lot happier with this system. This also has the added benefit of getting me some good excersise.

[tdeveson]

Toni,

 

I have the definitive answer!

 

Wait 3 or more years. :D

 

I'm not trying to be snarky. I'm serious. Is this your oldest child or oldest boy? It's common and expected that he'll need you nearby for a while yet to stay focused and on task. Yes, he's probably cognitively capable of the work; but developmentally he needs you there to help him with the impulse control because, let's be honest, a lot of school work is boring!

 

I hear you. :) That's why I'm walking a fine line here. I know he's cognitively capable, but I'm not certain that he's emotionally able. I want to help him become independent without setting unrealistic goals.

 

Thank you, everyone, for your feedback so far. I always get good advise here.

Edited January 13, 2010 by tdeveson

[Peela]

I agree with Joanne. I too have a daughter that I can just hand a list to, and she will do it. Not necessarily happily though- she too enjoys interaction. But she will do it. She is also so used to me hjaving to be with her brother, she has learned to just work independently.

But ds14 this last year is finally able to do more work independently. I remember coming to these boards when he was 9, 10, 11, 12! and asking how to get him to work more independently. Some people respond with the discipline aspect. And others say...be with him, he still needs your guidance. Its always a balance, but I really have never been able to leave him for too long. He wants interaction. He has LDs though and has a terrible time reading instructions, so it often backfires when I do leave him to work independently, because he is highly likely to have completed everything...wrongly. What works best with my son is to sit and go over what he needs to do with him- one subject at a time. If I tried to go over all his work at the beginning of the day..whoah, he just wouldn't remember anything.

I got into the Charlotte Mason way of short lessons, and that helped.

I try and mark his work immediately so he isnt left hanging and gets the interaction he craves.

For years I sat with him and brought his attention back to his work over and over and over. You need to be so patient. I dont think it is a discipline issue necessarily. It can be...but with boys especially...not necessarily. Its just how they are.

It has got easier. But only slowly.

[tdeveson]

...slowly but surely:) I am also seeing gradual improvements.

 

You give me hope. :D

[rafiki]

.

[MIch elle]

Toni,

 

I have the definitive answer!

 

Wait 3 or more years. :D

 

I'm not trying to be snarky. I'm serious. Is this your oldest child or oldest boy? It's common and expected that he'll need you nearby for a while yet to stay focused and on task. Yes, he's probably cognitively capable of the work; but developmentally he needs you there to help him with the impulse control because, let's be honest, a lot of school work is boring!

 

On Monday I didn't pay too much attention to my 12yob (soon to be 13) and it took him 2.5 hrs to complete his CLE LA 7;1.5 hrs for math and it wasn't completed - WAAA! Yesterday I sat with him and it took him 1 hr to do LA and 1 hr to complete math.

 

Taking away privledges doesn't work for us; it just destroys our homelife because the schoolwork doesn't get done, I'm not happy and ds isn't happy, and he is not able to fix it himself.

 

My older ds was the SAME way!

 

Sorry, this is the REALITY of homeschooling boys.

 

:grouphug:

[Natalieclare]

Haven't read the other replies, but my ds, now 13, is just beginning to be able to work alone. And this is only after I've sat with him for the initial part of the lesson/explanation. When he was 10, I never thought I would be able to step away from the table!!!! He has adhd and confidence issues, though, which definitely compound his need for me. He is on his own time table for maturing and I just thought it best to be by his side until his need decreased. And slowly but surely, it has.

[Samiam]

Sorry, this is the REALITY of homeschooling boys.

 

:grouphug:

 

I don't this is the reality for every boy who is homeschooled. It will definately depend on personality and learning styles.

 

My DS11, who is the oldest child, is perfectly capable of working on most things on his own. I started in 4th grade, with just a few of the subjects that I knew he was 110% capable of doing on his own. A few more in 5th grade, and now in 6th, he does probably 80% of his work on his own. The only day to day things I do with him are Composition and Latin. Everything else is an assignment in his workbox and he is to work his workboxes. I may or may not be in the room, depending on the day and schooling with DS6. I am available for his help at any point, but I certainly do not sit or stand over him, teach him the lesson or walk him through the work, on a normal day.

 

I am able to leave the house if needed, and he will work his assignments. Yesterday, I took DS6 to PE ,and left DS11 home to finish his work. When I came home 1 1/2 hours later, his work was done. I checked it and it was done correctly.

 

Of course, he is a normal boy and he has "off days". Back when we first started this, 4th grade, is when I implemented the time limit and homework rule. If there was unnecessary dwaddle, I would inform him of a certain time, which was usually more then enough to finish, for example "You have 20 minutes to finish this and then we will have to set it aside and move on. Whatever is not finished will have to be done as homework, during your time." It's not a punishment, it's not said in anger. It's a simple statement, a firm instruction. If it doesn't bother the child, then so be it. If it bothers the child, then they will surely work in the future for that not to happen again. A few times of this happening, and the problem of dwaddling rectified itself. Again, he IS a boy, so it's an occasional problem, but certainly not a daily, or even weekly issue.

 

It is a matter of gradual training,setting expectations, and then of course, taking into account any learning issues and/or disabilities. I don't think it is a matter of male/female.

[Kathleen in VA]

Toni,

 

I have the definitive answer!

 

Wait 3 or more years. :D!

 

:iagree:This is how it has played out for me with all three of my boys.

[MIch elle]

:iagree:This is how it has played out for me with all three of my boys.

:auto:

[Tree House Academy]

I have the opposite situation. My 10 year old son refuses to let me help him or explain anything to him. If I start to explain, he will wait 10 seconds and say, "I got it, I got it, let me do it." :( I think it is really a hinder on his education as I am sure there are things I could add that are not in his book, discussions we could have about thing...but he won't let me. He wants to work totally by himself in all things. :(

 

I know that was not helpful, but it is definitely the other side of the coin. We both need that balance in the middle, huh?

[PeterPan]

I've toyed around with the idea of sending dd to work with dh, list in-hand. That would probably take care of everything. ;)

[Robin M]

Mine likes to check with me to see if an answer is right before moving on. I'm trying to teach to him to finish, then check with me. The timed math quizzes with Saxon seems to help that. On Daddy day's, my hubby leaves him alone to get his work done and it takes him hours versus the time it takes us with me sitting with him. I'm lucky if they complete the stuff I assign, so make their days more about reading.

 

I've also started saying when he wants to ask me a question, is this related to what you are doing right now? If the answer is no, I tell him to hold the question until later. This seems to work with everything because all he wants to talk about is his ds or wii games.

[BMW]

What I like to do is take one subject at a time... as in 1 subject for the first week... and teach what is entailed for that subject and what you expect. You still do the other subjects.

 

So, it looks like this:

 

week 1: Mon-Fri. teach each subject each day, but teach math LAST OR FIRST. Just for Math I would take time, each day to teach what I expect. "Johnny, each day you will get your book out with a clean piece of paper and open up to the next math lesson. If you forget which one that is, look in your binder to see what math lesson you already completed. When you open up the next lesson, you are going to sit down and do the pink warm up section alone. I will be nearby doing ________. When you are done with the warm up section, we will put in the cd and you will watch the day's lesson. Then you will go back to your book and do the practice problems for the lesson. During the practice problems, I need you to let me know if you are not understanding something. Then you will work through the lesson problems. I will be nearby. When you have a question, if it is from a recent lesson, I will be glad to help you. If it is something that has been reviewed a lot, I will ask you to look it up."

 

I would say that each day so that the 10 yr old knows what is expected for Math.

 

the next week and each week after, I would take a different subject each week and explain to the child what he/she is to do on his own and what I will be doing and what I expect (putting lessons in binders when they are done, putting books away, filling out a reading log, etc.)

 

A great visual is to make a chart in good sized print that covers the basics and have it nearby. I have been doing this with my 10 yr old son. He is independent and working with skill in math, science and history (I use texts with workbooks). I discuss the topics in science and history with him along the way. I cover language arts with much more involvement on my part.

 

Anyway, not sure if this works for others, but it works for me.