What do you do when your child is knowingly being disrespectful to you?

[Gamom3]

Dd(10) has been very disrespectful to me for a few months now. Which she does know that there are consequences.

Today she answered me disrespectfully and I said "excuse me"..she knows what I mean by this. She raised her voice and answered loudly "NO"..which should have been, "no ma'am"

 

 

I am at my wits end:confused1: with this dc.

She is very sweet, giving and helpful 98% of the time, but that 2% is a killer! What do you do in this situation???????

[kaylk in tx]

my now grown daughter has very vivid memories of me speaking in a low voice through clenched teeth... apparently that made it extremely clear to her that her life was in severe jeopardy.

 

so i would speak to her in that psycho-mama voice and tell her to get to her room NOW or bad things could happen to people. after letting her sit in there for awhile, i would go and more calmly explain to her that one of the things that really makes me angry is children who speak disrespectfully to their parents. and that she needed to apologize immediately and sincerely if she wanted her life to resume. and make it quite clear that if she chooses to speak disrespectfully again, her life as she knows it CEASES.... with a younger kid, i wouldn't be so angry/blunt about it, but at 10yo she knows better!

[SparrowsNest]

psycho-mama voice

 

 

Heh heh, I was going to say a child saying "NO" angrily to my face would definitely have an instant rendezvous with Dragon Mom. This is the angry, serious, growly, do not cross this line or you will be in trouble mother they usually meet for the first time when, as toddlers, they hit me in anger. That's a no-no, big time, as is defiant disrespect. Dragon Mom would give a chance at tonal correction, of course, but unless that is taken care of, she will move into true Dragon-Mode -- unapologetically scorching privileges such as computer time, TV, and dessert with her fiery breath as well as assigning additional chores, up to such a time as the correct tone and demeanor has been found. ;)

 

That sounds worse than it is LOL But I read once that the only thing many parents seem to feel confident expecting from their children these days is safety, and that whereas no one would blink at a strong reprimand not to run in the street, teaching our children to speak respectfully is just as critical.

[Sue G in PA]

something that turns me into psycho-mom as well. :D Rolling of the eyes, raised voices, saying no to a direct order, walking away when being spoken to, hands over ears (my ds6's favorite thing to do but he's a different story), etc. All signs of disrespect. It is a heart issue and I'm sorry to say I don't know where it comes from. The yes ma'am, no ma'am thing...we tried that and still make them say it but it's never been something that they "internalized", meaning they don't say it willingly. ARGH! Punishment can be anything from a simply I'm sorry to removal of certain priveleges if the situation is remedied (with a big apology) right away. Ds8 seems to be the one who can't "let go" of his anger in an appropriate amount of time. Oh, not that this is an excuse...but at 10yo, hormones are coming into play. I do give my dd11 some "grace" when I think it's a hormonal thing rather than a blatant disrespect thing, KWIM? Typically all it takes is a "watch your tone with me...you're coming dangerously close to being disrespectful" and she'll back up and be okay. Sometimes, the hormones have taken her too far and time in her room is all she needs. So sorry you are going through this...it is sooo touch sometimes.

[Mrs Mungo]

My eldest is 12. Psycho/Dragon mom makes a regular appearance at our house. OH, the hormonal phase, it's my favorite phase of all so far.

[Mrs. H.]

Just kidding, but it can make you feel that way sometimes.

 

I would make whatever punishment I deemed necessary swift and severe for such blatant disrespect as this. It would have to be either something the dc hated to do, or hated to have taken away. I would also (depending on just how angry I was at the time) either have the child remain in my presence, apologize, and answer a series of questions with respectful answers (and I would just make stuff up, just to make them say 'yes ma'am over and over), or have them leave me alone and not come back until they apologized and could answer me in a respectful manner.

 

THEN (as if all that wasn't bad enough) Dh would be brought in during the evening, and the dc would be sat down, without other siblings, and receive a thorough lecture on the proper respect of Mom from him. Dad bakcing Mom up 100% can really make an impact on a child, as well as prove to be an excelleng model for what parenting/marriage should be.

 

Once the dc apologized, started being respectful, and did their "time", all would return to normal. Respond quickly, forgive quickly.

[Joanne]

I think it's age expected. I try to not use the term age-appropriate because it's not appropriate.

 

But, truly? I would put on my stern and consider removing age-related consequences if it's not remedied upon a chance of a do-over. That said, I would not over react and assume it's a representation of disrespect in general. It would be rare and even concern me if children made it from age 0 -18 without seasons where this kind of challenge didn't happen with some regularity. They are trying on their growing muscles, renegotiating their place and role in the family and moving into new territories.

 

Offer grace within boundaries.

[Mom2legomaniacs]

I am going to throw this out there as well. I am in no way implying that you are doing this, but it popped in to my head as well.

 

We are a tad on the sarcastic side around here. We can't help it. It's in our blood. Both sides of the family are into being witty, sarcastic (not horrid, just trying to be funny) and the like. We're just that way.

 

Given that information about us, we know that we have to listen to ourselves in response to them. How do we come across? Do we automatically retort something witty in response? If so, they are learning first hand from us how to be smarty pants! Sometimes it is funny, sometimes it is disrespectful. What we have to do is check our own selves at the door to deal with our own witticisms (yeah, we think we are quite funny sometimes).

 

How do we respond to them when they spit it back to us? Well, we need to determine first of all if we are at fault for setting the bad example. Then, we have a lot of conversations about respect and crossing the line between being funny and going too far. Like Mrs H said, we present a united front and go with it.

 

Just thought I would share this -- confession -- of our natural smarty pants syndrome here. But, really, we are funny! Right?

 

Good luck! I understand. I have an almost 10 yr old that gets a bit big for his britches sometimes and needs to be called on it.

[WagsWife]

That is something I do not tolerate...and my kids know it. I have been very lucky and have not had to punish them that often, but it is because when I do, I make it "hurt." Once, when my oldest dd was disrespectful to my DH, she was grounded from all electronics and sleepovers (this was huge to her since her and her BFF alternated houses almost every weekend)...and she was not allowed to shut her bedroom door (what the disrespect was about) for an entire month. *Donning Flame Suit* The girls also know that disrespect can be a spanking offense in our house. They get one *very stern warning, and if it happens again in to short of a timespan (few days) they risk getting a spanking. They also *think I will pop them in the mouth...but I doubt I would. I am just glad they have not called my bluff.

 

Bottom line, IMO if you do not get a handle on it now, it will only get worse. I have seen many parents who try to start enforcing respect when the child is to old and set in their ways, and it only causes resentment in the child.

[WagsWife]

We are a tad on the sarcastic side around here. We can't help it. It's in our blood. Both sides of the family are into being witty, sarcastic (not horrid, just trying to be funny) and the like. We're just that way.

 

 

We, or I should say *I, are the same way. I do have to take that into account. If I feel it is borderline, I give them a warning to watch themselves and that is usually the end of it.

[Karenciavo]

I usually invite them for a sit down immediately. We stop what we are doing, go to a quiet place, and have a heart to heart. I love this Proverb, it's a great reminder for me:

"A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger"

[Remudamom]

I overeact to something like this intentionally. I raise my voice, puff up to make myself look bigger and send them to their room or the nearest bathroom that needs to be scrubbed. Nothing makes me madder. I expect a full apology complete with groveling.

 

Nip it in the bud.

[Old Dominion Heather]

I usually invite them for a sit down immediately. We stop what we are doing, go to a quiet place, and have a heart to heart. I love this Proverb, it's a great reminder for me:

"A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger"

 

I thought you were going to say that you turn into your avatar! :lol:

[Mrs Mungo]

I usually invite them for a sit down immediately. We stop what we are doing, go to a quiet place, and have a heart to heart. I love this Proverb, it's a great reminder for me:

 

"A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger"

 

Oh Karen, you are SO right. But it's so much easier and more satisfying to turn all Galadriel on them. I need to work on this, clearly.

[PariSarah]

We are a tad on the sarcastic side around here. We can't help it. It's in our blood. Both sides of the family are into being witty, sarcastic (not horrid, just trying to be funny) and the like. We're just that way. . . . If so, they are learning first hand from us how to be smarty pants! Sometimes it is funny, sometimes it is disrespectful.

 

This is totally us!! Ds has been giving us mouth lately, and I'm just starting to realize that he's not really meaning to be disrespectful (much of the time--sometimes he is!!--but much of the time not)--he's "trying on" grown-up-speak. It's how we talk, and he assumes that he gets to talk that way too.

 

I wouldn't say we've toned down our sarcasm, but we've been more careful about not actually being rude in our sarcasm. And I've found myself saying things like, "I know you're trying to be funny, but that's not funny. It's rude."

[SparrowsNest]

A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger"

 

Oh, I always thought it was "A Dragon Mom thwarts a spoiled child." ;)

[NicksMama-Zack's Mama Too]

I am going to throw this out there as well. I am in no way implying that you are doing this, but it popped in to my head as well.

 

We are a tad on the sarcastic side around here. We can't help it. It's in our blood. Both sides of the family are into being witty, sarcastic (not horrid, just trying to be funny) and the like. We're just that way.

 

Given that information about us, we know that we have to listen to ourselves in response to them. How do we come across? Do we automatically retort something witty in response? If so, they are learning first hand from us how to be smarty pants! Sometimes it is funny, sometimes it is disrespectful. What we have to do is check our own selves at the door to deal with our own witticisms (yeah, we think we are quite funny sometimes).

 

How do we respond to them when they spit it back to us? Well, we need to determine first of all if we are at fault for setting the bad example. Then, we have a lot of conversations about respect and crossing the line between being funny and going too far. Like Mrs H said, we present a united front and go with it.

 

Just thought I would share this -- confession -- of our natural smarty pants syndrome here. But, really, we are funny! Right?

 

Good luck! I understand. I have an almost 10 yr old that gets a bit big for his britches sometimes and needs to be called on it.

 

Yep.

[Harriet Vane]

I never, never tolerate disrespect . . . NOT ONCE.

 

BUT

 

I do not respond in a punitive angry storm either. I have to say I have had a pretty good degree of success.

 

Mirror back to your dd what she said and how she made you feel. For example: "Dd, when you use that tone of voice, you make me feel as though you think I am really stupid. Is that the message you are trying to convey to me?"

 

"Dd, when you use words like 'whatever' you make me feel as though what I am asking of you is dumb, but I do not understand why. Is that what you want me to feel? Can you help me understand why you said 'whatever' like that?"

 

Dd then has to try again, rephrasing.

 

The whole interaction is calm. Often just pointing out the undercurrents in that disrespectful tone and bringing it into the light causes dd to feel badly about the way she is speaking. Simply asking her to try again and showing her that I want to understand her perspective is very effective.

 

On the other hand, if there were an occasion where it was obvious that a child were being purposely disrespectful specifically to hurt me, I would add on a punitive consequence. When it's normal teenage angst and not thought through, it's best to replay as described above, but intent to hurt should have a consequence.

[Robin Hood]

Yep, yep. When I see me or dh on my kids, it makes me sick to my stomach. Our bad habits, that is. I call one of my dd Shakespear's "Kate" behind her back because of her temperament and with hormones kicking in, whoa. Sometimes I practice having the last word. I calmly but firmly state it like it is, and off her mouth runs. But I don't answer back. I go about my business. I had the last word and she can't wiggle out of it because I won't argue. She stomps off and does what she is told. I leave it alone because the she does work it out, she just needs time. She's only 9.5 so I probably don't have the right idea yet. I imagine we are just beginning our journey towards womanhood and I'll be asking you pretty soon.

 

Warnings work out with my other dd.

 

A lot of my friends who have older children have said that one day someone else came home in their children's body and their children didn't return for a couple of years. Maybe all we do is sympathize with each other and encourage each other on. And breath a silent curse on them that they have children just like themselves, which is probably what our parents cursed on us.

[cin]

 

Oh, I always thought it was "A Dragon Mom thwarts a spoiled child." ;)

 

:smilielol5::smilielol5::smilielol5:

[Karenciavo]

I thought you were going to say that you turn into your avatar! :lol:

 

Oh Karen, you are SO right. But it's so much easier and more satisfying to turn all Galadriel on them. I need to work on this, clearly.

 

I save Dark Galadriel for if they bother me when Lost is on.

[LadyR]

My dd, thankfully, is respectful by nature; but she did go through a period where she tested me. She was probably 12 years old. I gave her plenty of time and talks and warnings. Finally one day she rolled her eyes at me in front of her friends and that was it. I disciplined her in such a way that she was totally devastated. I took away ballet class. (She trained 2-3 hours daily and it was her joy and passion and she lived and breathed ballet.) You can't even imagine how traumatic this was for her! She practically hyperventilated....lol. She was informed that ballet class would be reinstated when she could show respectfulness to me at all times. I let her go back to class in less than a week because she became so repentant and I've never had to discipline her again for being disrespectful towards me. I've had to remind her a few times, but she knows that it's worth it to listen and obey rather than suffer mom's discipline...lol.

 

This is my style of discipline. We always talk it out and speak to the heart. When I do institute a punishment, I believe in making it harsh enough so they will never want do the offense again. This works for my kids. Honestly, I've only had to institute a punishment for my dd twice in her whole life. She is 14 years old. The only other punishment she had was when she was 10 she got her email account deleted and the computer taken away for 1 year. Like I said, she now knows it is so much better to listen and obey because the consequences are sooo not worth it.