Help! Need perspective: DS was too shy? afraid? to ask his teachers about makeup work

[unsinkable]

DS got really sick last Sat. Too sick to do anything but sleep/vomit/sleep/cough, etc.

 

Monday: no school (holiday)

Tuesday: stayed home sick/missed classes

Wed: stayed home sick/no missed classes due to Freshman Field Days (other grades taking PSAT)

Thursday: stayed home sick/missed classes

Friday: slept in/missed 1 class

 

He was told he had to go to each of his teacher and ask about missed work. He couldn't/didn't/wouldn't do it. He had 2 tests that he missed that the teachers had to ask him to take?!? Only then did he speak up & say he had been too sick to do anything at home & wasn't ready for the tests.

 

In algebra, there was a quiz on things he told me he was confused about before he got sick but he just took the quiz (that he didn't even know about!!!) b/c he said, "I didn't want to be a baby." He probably blew it (his words.)

 

In hist. there was a regular class on Tues & the test (the first major test) on Thurs. He told me he didn't even ask what he missed on Tues.

 

When he got in the car & started telling me all this, I just started crying. I can't believe he'd be so irresponsible. ANd I am really annoyed that I had emailed all his teachers about how sick he was yet they still wanted him to take tests & quizzes.

 

I've been crying about this & sick over it since 2:45. I am so upset that he didn't do this. He signed a school handbook & the rule was the student goes to the teacher the day he returns. I explained all this to him & yet he didn't do it.

 

He hasn't been in school since kindergarten this is news to him...it isn't common sense.

 

I just feel like if he can't do this important thing, what am I going to do?

[RoughCollie]

We've had the exact same thing happen here with my 2 kids who are in 9th and 10th grades at PS.

 

The problem my kids have is that their break between classes is 4 minutes and they will be late to their next classes if they stop to talk to the teacher. The classes here are large (30 kids or more) and there are usually plenty of other kids waiting to talk to the teacher too, and the teacher is in a hurry because the next class is about to begin. To top it off, the teachers leave school the minute the bell rings, so the kids can't go see them after school.

 

They don't want to get into trouble or walk into their next class late (everyone will stare at them, teacher might say something in front of the class, etc.).

 

So they took tests they weren't ready for.

 

The first time it happened, I emailed the teachers and told them that X had been sick for X days and would not be well enough to take tests until a certain date.

 

Now I email the teachers when the kids are sick and tell them what is going on. I also tell the kids not to take make-up tests until they have cleared it with me.

 

So last week, DD told her teacher that I would not let her take a test upon her return to school because she had been too sick to do schoolwork. The teacher accepted that, and DD made up the test later.

 

Also, we just moved to PA, and the culture here, including at the school, is vastly different than at our previous school. It turns out the former school system, which we took for granted, was like a private school compared to the PS here. So things my kids and I expect are simply not done here, and I've stepped into the breach to smooth the way for the kids.

Edited October 16, 2009 by RoughCollie

[Barb_]

DS got really sick last Sat. Too sick to do anything but sleep/vomit/sleep/cough, etc.

 

Monday: no school (holiday)

Tuesday: stayed home sick/missed classes

Wed: stayed home sick/no missed classes due to Freshman Field Days (other grades taking PSAT)

Thursday: stayed home sick/missed classes

Friday: slept in/missed 1 class

 

He was told he had to go to each of his teacher and ask about missed work. He couldn't/didn't/wouldn't do it. He had 2 tests that he missed that the teachers had to ask him to take?!? Only then did he speak up & say he had been too sick to do anything at home & wasn't ready for the tests.

 

In algebra, there was a quiz on things he told me he was confused about before he got sick but he just took the quiz (that he didn't even know about!!!) b/c he said, "I didn't want to be a baby." He probably blew it (his words.)

 

In hist. there was a regular class on Tues & the test (the first major test) on Thurs. He told me he didn't even ask what he missed on Tues.

 

When he got in the car & started telling me all this, I just started crying. I can't believe he'd be so irresponsible. ANd I am really annoyed that I had emailed all his teachers about how sick he was yet they still wanted him to take tests & quizzes.

 

I've been crying about this & sick over it since 2:45. I am so upset that he didn't do this. He signed a school handbook & the rule was the student goes to the teacher the day he returns. I explained all this to him & yet he didn't do it.

 

He hasn't been in school since kindergarten this is news to him...it isn't common sense.

 

I just feel like if he can't do this important thing, what am I going to do?

 

I've been going through the same thing with my 13yo this year. It's her first year in school too and she is completely out of her element. But I had to force myself to take a step back and stop thinking everything reflects on me. Gently said, I think crying for an hour and a half is an overreaction unless there are other circumstances you aren't sharing.

 

You don't say how old your son is, but Emily at 13 needed to be stepped through all the details the first time she did anything. Like I would never just say, "Make sure to get a pass before going into class when you're late." I would tell her, "Go into the front office, stand in front of Mrs. L's desk and say, "excuse me," then tell her why you are late and you need a pass. She will ask you to sign the book and she will write you a pass. Only then should you go to your locker and get your books. Take your pass to your teacher, apologize for being late, and then take your seat. She needs to be walked through when, where, how, and why to understand what is appropriate. Your son may have just been overwhelmed with, "Should I go before class? During? After" that he just shut down. Help him to figure these things out, but have him own the problem. Your freaking out is going to make him think this is a much bigger deal than it is. Then the problem will be that much harder to address the next time

 

Barb

[myfunnybunch]

How old is he? Freshman in high school?

 

First, I'd not take it personally. :grouphug:

 

Then I'd problem-solve. I'd tell him he's responsible for his grades and for getting his make-up work done, and he's responsible for following through on his committments. If he's open to working with you on how to approach the teachers, help him figure out what to say and how to ask for more study time. For example, if he really did blow it on the quiz, how might he find out if the teacher is open to letting him try again?

 

I'd email the teachers again, letting them know he is struggling with advocating for himself and approaching them to ask for the missed work and extra study time. I'd also let them know that you're letting him handle it and that you're consciously choosing to step back a little. This lets them know that you're a concerned involved parent (as opposed to a parent who doesn't know or care) who is allowing your son to feel the consequences of not following through, and that he may need a bit of a prompt from them to figure out how to handle the situation if they are so inclined.

 

Then I'd step back and let him experience the consequences of whatever he chooses to do. He's...14? 15? He'll figure it out. :grouphug: It just might take some time.

 

Cat

[lionfamily1999]

This is a learning experience, hopefully. Those grades on his quizes should make it abundantly clear the consequences of this. :grouphug:

[unsinkable]

More info:

 

He is a freshman; he just turned 14.

 

It is a private boys Catholic school.

 

I know I am not helping by crying esp. for so long. I don't even know why. Tired from 2 sick kids in a row? Worry? Guilt? Frustration?

 

Thanks for all the advice thus far. I do really appreciate it. :grouphug:

[unsinkable]

I've been going through the same thing with my 13yo this year. It's her first year in school too and she is completely out of her element. But I had to force myself to take a step back and stop thinking everything reflects on me. Gently said, I think crying for an hour and a half is an overreaction unless there are other circumstances you aren't sharing.

 

You don't say how old your son is, but Emily at 13 needed to be stepped through all the details the first time she did anything. Like I would never just say, "Make sure to get a pass before going into class when you're late." I would tell her, "Go into the front office, stand in front of Mrs. L's desk and say, "excuse me," then tell her why you are late and you need a pass. She will ask you to sign the book and she will write you a pass. Only then should you go to your locker and get your books. Take your pass to your teacher, apologize for being late, and then take your seat. She needs to be walked through when, where, how, and why to understand what is appropriate. Your son may have just been overwhelmed with, "Should I go before class? During? After" that he just shut down. Help him to figure these things out, but have him own the problem. Your freaking out is going to make him think this is a much bigger deal than it is. Then the problem will be that much harder to address the next time

 

Barb

 

I agree with what you wrote. I didn't give him as much info as your suggestions. I told him to go after school & gave him his dad's cell phone. I pick him up so I told him I'd get him when he was ready. He didn't even try to talk to the teachers after school. He just told me what happened in each class which was basically he didn't say anything til a teacher addressed him.

[dirty ethel rackham]

It may be an inborn shyness thing that needs to be overcome, not just irresponsibility. I can totally see my kids doing this. I was like this for much of my childhood and even failed a couple classes in college because I was afraid to ask for things from my teachers. My kids are like this and I have to push and prod to get them to talk to people outside of family and friends.

 

For shy people, it takes a large amount of emotional energy to approach people, especially authority figures. Since your son was sick and is probably low on energy reserves, I can totally understand how this would seem like an insurmountable obstacle.

 

I don't have much advice, here, but the wailing and gnashing of teeth will probably make it seem like and even bigger obstacle. I have found that, with my son, if I stay unemotional about it and offer suggestions and/or role play with him, he is more likely to step outside that comfort zone.

 

I hope your guy feels better.

[unsinkable]

I am really feeling like a big jerk.

 

He is shy & I want to help him. I guess I am feeling like I was so on my own for school that I am sad & hurt that he wouldn't listen to me when it wasn't about not listening to me, it was about what he was capable of doing.

 

Arggghhh. This is awful.

[Barb_]

More info:

 

He is a freshman; he just turned 14.

 

It is a private boys Catholic school.

 

I know I am not helping by crying esp. for so long. I don't even know why. Tired from 2 sick kids in a row? Worry? Guilt? Frustration?

 

Thanks for all the advice thus far. I do really appreciate it. :grouphug:

 

I hear ya. :grouphug: He'll be all right...really he will. You will be amazed in May how far he's come. These are necessary growing pains.

 

I am really feeling like a big jerk.

 

He is shy & I want to help him. I guess I am feeling like I was so on my own for school that I am sad & hurt that he wouldn't listen to me when it wasn't about not listening to me, it was about what he was capable of doing.

 

Arggghhh. This is awful.

 

Don't you hate when that happens? Would it help if you shared your insight with your son? He's old enough to get it and would probably respect your coming to him to apologize and explain.

 

Barb

Edited October 16, 2009 by Barb F. PA in AZ

[Laurie4b]

I am really feeling like a big jerk.

 

He is shy & I want to help him. I guess I am feeling like I was so on my own for school that I am sad & hurt that he wouldn't listen to me when it wasn't about not listening to me, it was about what he was capable of doing.

 

Arggghhh. This is awful.

 

I have a son like this and it is really hard to help him! As with your son, the issue is anxiety when he's in a social situation he's unsure about and needs to ask for help. He made mistakes and you made mistakes. Moving forward is what is important at this point. Apologize to your son, and problem-solve. Talk with the guidance counselor about the best way to approach this. She may be able to give you advice about how to help and/or kind of pave the way with the teachers.

[Laurie4b]

I am really feeling like a big jerk.

 

He is shy & I want to help him. I guess I am feeling like I was so on my own for school that I am sad & hurt that he wouldn't listen to me when it wasn't about not listening to me, it was about what he was capable of doing.

 

Arggghhh. This is awful.

 

I have a son like this and it is really hard to help him! As with your son, the issue is anxiety when he's in a social situation he's unsure about and needs to ask for help. He really, really hates to do it unless he knows the person really well.

 

Your son made mistakes and you made mistakes. Moving forward is what is important at this point. Apologize to your son, and problem-solve. Talk with the guidance counselor about the best way to approach this. She may be able to give you advice about how to help and/or kind of pave the way with the teachers.

[dirty ethel rackham]

Parenting is hard, isn't it? Our kids get to show us all of our faults:) Please cut yourself (and your son) some slack. Your son is recovering and you have been under stress. Add a little more pressure (like this issue) and something was bound to blow. :)

 

When I go off the deep end with my kids (we call it "volcano mom" over here), I find the best way back is an apology, ice cream (or maybe the ketchup fight from your tag line) and asking for a do-over.

 

Is it time for a Mike's?

[unsinkable]

Thanks, everyone. DS slept over 12 hours last night. Went to bed in the middle of a Sabres game. I know/knew he is still recovering and plus he is on a big learning curve at school.

 

We've got to just move forward, do what he/we can do this weekend and deal with everything else as it happens.

 

Thanks so much!!!

[Only me]

Would it be possible for your son to email his teachers? When my daughter misses school (she is a senior) she emails the teachers. Most of the time she will email during the day that she is sick unless she is just too sick. Since it only takes a few minutes she is usually able to do this. She just says: Hello Ms._____________. I was sick today so I missed class. Can you please tell me any homework or tests that I missed? The teachers really appreciate the students taking the time to do this. It is also a lot easier then finding the time to talk to the teacher before of after class. DD also found this a lot less intimidating when she was a freshman and sophomore and shy.

 

Most teachers will write back: "I hope you feel better". We did x, y, z today. If it is test or quiz they'll usually say for her to make it up within the next few days after she returns. Her school has a policy that if you miss one day you get one extra day for makeup work. If you miss two days, you get two extra days, etc.

 

We've also found that having it in email is handy. For instance my middle dd is a freshman this year. She missed several days of school right away in September. Her teachers were being really cooperative because they knew it was an ongoing health problem. One of her teachers told her not to worry about two assignments and that she didn't have to do them. A week later she was asking dd where the assignment was. DD was able to refer her teacher to the email and it worked out fine.

[unsinkable]

Thanks for the advice!

 

I'm glad you had that email for your younger dd!

[Tammyla]

Don't be too hard on yourself or him. I think your sweet to worry and work with him. It just isn't easy dealing with the differences and complexities of our kids.

 

Everyone (especially shy or introverted) kids need to find their way of dealing with these issues. Everyone is different, every teacher is different and for many... asking simply takes more thought, time and work.:grouphug:

[Garga]

Haven't read the other responses. I wasn't ever homeschooled, so I was used school and asking for make up work, but I was pretty much terrified of all my teachers. It would have taken everything I had to walk up to one of them and ask for make-up work. It's not anything you're doing wrong, or the fact that he's ever been homeschooled.

 

Teachers are in a position of power and for some of us, we find that sort of things hugely intimidating. It took me until I was 30 years old and a mother to get over it. (I got BRAVE when I became a mother!)

[Joanne]

{{{{hugs to both of you}}}}

 

I'm there as well with my 14 year old freshman. Although he is homeschooled, he is in an outside biology class in what amounts to a small private school run by homeschool parents.

 

He was very sick last week, seemed to get better but got tired way easy, and slept A LOT. He has not been able to study, do a lot of school work.

 

He missed a test in biology last week, did not get the homework done, missed class and his frankly not ready to take the missed test. I need to email the teacher but I DON'T WANT TO. LOL

 

Feeling percieved as a "baby" is huge to 14 year old boys. And having 14 year old boys growing in responsibility is huge to moms. ;)

 

Nice turn around on the perception of this, mom! :grouphug: