:::Sigh:::

[ChristusG]

My DD is 5 years old and I just started homeschooling her for kindergarten. She goes to speech therapy at the local elementary school, as she did last year as well.

 

DD is very clingy, does not like to be seperate from me, etc. Sometimes she cries going into her class at church, she will start crying on the soccer field during a game, she cries sometimes when I drop her off for homeschool group. And sometimes she cries when I drop her off for speech. I wrote a whole post about her and all her quirks here, if you would like to take a look to learn more about her: http://www.welltrainedmind.com/forums/showthread.php?t=122080 .

 

Lately she has been overly clingy. Every few months she'll go through another phase where she cries all the time, every time I drop her off anywhere. It's not like I'm leaving her. For homeschool group, I stay in the building. For church, I'm in another building. At soccer, I'm right there on the sidelines. For speech, I stay there at the school. Well, today her speech teacher at the school asked to speak with me outside.

 

She told me that DD crying is not normal for her age. She should not be crying every time she comes to speech. She asked whether DD was still playing soccer and if she cried there....I said yes, sometimes. She asked if DD has any friends that she plays with. I said no, because she doesn't. She's extremely shy and will not talk to, nor look at, a "stranger" when they speak to her. To me it seemed like the teacher was trying to find out whether she has any socialization opportunities since she is homeschooled. My DD has plenty of socialization opportunities....I make sure of it and try extra hard because I know how clingy and shy DD is. Speech teacher says she has no idea what to do with her because today DD cried the entire 30 minutes, shook her head no when the teacher asked her to participate in therapy, and just kept crying and saying "I want mama. I want mama." She said she's going to talk to a social worker that comes to the school to see what she thinks of my DD going and speaking with someone. Who, I have no idea. A therapist of some sort, maybe. I dont know.

 

I'm just afriad they are looking at me and my kid and thinking "why in the world is she homeschooling her? She's messing her up, the kid cannot even function without her mother right beside her." :::sigh:::....I don't know what to do. I don't know how to help her or how to reply to the speech teacher about all of this. :confused:

[BikeBookBread]

My DD5 was a clinger/crier as well, when she was a young 5. She did it when she was at Pre-K at our church's school, but now that she is home, SHE DOESN'T. She would cry when I dropped her at sunday school, childcare during Bible study, at a playgroup when I was sitting across the room with the other moms, etc...

 

I would take the words of the therapist with a grain of salt. There is no "normal" for a kid in many respects. What I mean is this: there are some 5 yo's who leave their parents in the dust when they see a group of complete strangers their own age at the park; there are some who have to be cajoled for 10 minutes to sit on the swings next to a child they may or may not know. There is such a range of personalities out there. Think of yourself. Are you the exact same as your friends? NOPE!

 

I'm not preaching, it's just that I was YOU worrying about DD5 to the point of tears (my tears!) when I had to leave her at Pre-K last year and she'd beg me not to leave her. I was just so worried. I think I may have even posted a thread about it here :tongue_smilie:. Give her some time. She'll come around. And if she doesn't, honestly, she doesn't! But how many 10 year olds do you know who act like that? I don't know any. Who knows. She just might turn out to be a very reserved little girl.

[RegularMom]

Whoa... that sounds a bit invasive on the speech teacher's part, if you ask me.

 

You might want to think about that and discuss it further with other people before allowing that sort of referral to happen, especially if it's not something you want for your child.

 

My 6yo was a clingy kid too. Always wanted her mom. It goes away eventually. It really does. Even if they're homeschooled.

[LibraryLover]

I know several 5 yr olds who do not want to separated from their mothers! I don't think it's not 'normal'. I might even cut out the soccer and the drop off stuff for a time so she can get out of this pattern and/or just be herself without worry. (I don't know if you have other concerns, but the separation alone is not a huge deal to me).

 

The other thing -- when my 5 yr old had OT and PT, I was there with him, in the room. I don't understand why you can't be there. That doesn't seem right.

 

Maybe she is extra- shy, and *maybe* there is 'something else', but she also may be perfectly fine, and simply not ready to be away from you yet.

 

You can say you don't want to talk to a social worker, or, if you have concerns yourself, maybe you do want to talk with her/him. (Why is she in ST?)

 

But honestly, I think we expect a lot more from small children than some of them can handle.

 

My sister works in early interevention and sometimes it makes her crazy. The smallest things are taken as big deals, when they are not. At. All.

 

If it were my child, and this separation thing was the only concern, I would not say ok to the SW.

Edited October 1, 2009 by LibraryLover

[Kirch]

It may be that she's questioning your decision to homeschool, but there are some other possibilities. She could be thinking that your dd might have an anxiety disorder (or even Social Anxiety Disorder), sensory integration problems, OCD or some other issue best addressed by a professional--especially if she's been working with your dd long enough to have observed some of the things you mentioned in the post you linked to. The recent clinginess might be enough for her to act on feelings she already had that something is going on. Or she may be concerned that your dd has experienced some kind of abuse or trauma (which may not necessarily mean that she suspects you).

[johnandtinagilbert]

I'd pull her from all the activities and start from scratch. Get her used to one outing at a time.

 

I would be cautious, but not suspicious of the ST's questions. Honestly, if my dc freaked out for 30 min. I'd expect a ST to wonder how she could do her job with a full on crying child.

 

She may be shy. She may have issues. I can't say, but either way, I'd proceed with caution and speak with adults/professionals BEFORE dc spoke to anyone on a referral. I prefer to get a feel for people, professionals or not, before they get to make judgements on my child.

 

Of my 5, I have 2 very shy children, perhaps not to the obvious distress you speak of with your daughter, but they certainly stayed by my side. Our solution was to let them be by my side and not put them in activities. They have both grown to do what they enjoy, even if the remain a little quieter or closer, they're out there, just not as much as our social butterflies.

 

Sometimes, our fears as newbie home schoolers actually put us into an oversensative stage where we are so ready to disprove the "socialization" issue that we actually over-socialize. Maybe she just needs some space from all the stuff and more time quietly at home?

 

No judgement, just thinking out loud with you.

[Stacie]

I'm normally the type of personality that has no problem telling others to mind their own business when it comes to my children. However, I would take a step back and really listen to what she is trying to communicate. It may very well be that your daughter is a later bloomer when it comes to developing and refining her social skills. Or it may be that since the two of you are so obviously close there's something you may be missing. I'd tend to lean to the first one and say she's just not reached her point where the comfort zone begins expanding naturally on its own. However, if there's no ulterior motive involved and the therapist's not trying to report you as a neglectful or abusive parent by pulling in another party, I'd seriously consider talking to the person she suggests...with certain constraints. Find out the person's title, job responsibility, educational background, etc. Do not let your daughter go alone. Sit in the room, in the background if necessary, but keep her within your sight and hearing. And schedule an appointment with another therapist of your choosing, not paid by the state or school board, to do a similar evaluation. This way you'll have two opinions, and a refuting one if necessary.

 

It seems like a lot right now, but if there is something your daughter needs it is much easier to address it while she's so young. Most speech therapists see lots of kids each year and take their job seriously. They have a great bank of knowledge to pull from and I doubt she would go this extra step if something didn't concern her. I'm praying for your family!

[buddhabelly]

If the speech therapist hasn't said any of these things to you about homeschooling, don't put words in her mouth. You are doing the best thing for your child right now, and nobody has suggested otherwise. The speech teacher is not qualified to diagnose other problems, and just wants to see if she can help your dd. She's not attacking you, really.

 

It wouldn't hurt to have her looked at, but there is no real reason to do it now. If she was in school all day, her problems would probably escalate and you'd have to deal with it. But since she's homeschooled, you're doing right by her for now and she might grow into more social interactions, might not.

 

Is there nobody at all that she will look at in the eyes? Will she look you in the eyes? If you are not exaggerating this, she probably does have some sort of condition like Asperger's or mild autism. But you know what? Kids grew up for hundreds of years without knowing the words "autism," "Asperger's", obsessive-compulsive disorder, sensory integration disorder, and a diagnosis is not going to change who your daughter is. It is just going to help people help her.

 

By the way, is she crying because she is overwhelmed by sounds/sights/too many people? That might mean she has a sensory integration issue (SID).

 

Julie (whose child is mildly OCD, and HIGHLY sensitive to sound/touch). And he cries when he is trying to understand new ideas! That's who he is, and if he was in school that wouldn't be very convenient, would it?

[4kiddies]

I haven't read the other responses but why don't you just sit in speech wih her? That way she is getting the help she needs without the stress of being away from you.

[TraceyS/FL]

I'd ask for a SPD/SID eval by an OT. Her reaction is a symptom of that in some areas, and she would go into "overload" totally. It's nothing to do with you at all, or her spending time with you. It's just her reaction.

 

IS this the same ST she saw last year?

 

:grouphug:

[calandalsmom]

Your speech therapist is not your enemy and wants what is best for your family UNLESS she has shown otherwise.

 

I agree with your ST. I have a 5 yo dd and what you describe is not normal. If your dd is having this much trouble separating its worth examining- its not homeschooling and it isnt necessarily your parenting either- it may be that she really does have a social adjustment issue which could benefit from some sort of services which the school could provide!

[chiguirre]

:iagree: with Tracey and Calandalsmom.

 

:grouphug:

 

You've posted several times about your dd's sensory issues and obsessions. IMHO, you should take the SLP's questions as her way of broaching the subject with you. SLPs can't diagnose kids, but they often have a lot of experience with kids with different dxs and have a good sense of when something more than normal developmental variance is present. Your public school can do some of the screening tests for ASD, OCD, etc. This can save you a lot of money if your insurance doesn't cover those tests (and it often doesn't). In parallel, you may want to talk to your pediatrician and ask for a referral to a developmental pediatrician or similar professional.

 

The sooner you know what issues (if any) your dd is dealing with, the sooner you can address them and help her. Usually, the earlier a child receives intervention, the better the outcome.

[ChristusG]

Thanks so much for all of your replies! I'll answer some of the questions you guys asked....

 

Yes, this is the same therapist she had last year. DD goes through phases....just a few weeks ago she was talking to her therapist each day she went to class.....she was telling her all about her pets. Her therapist was extremely happy with this because she knows how shy DD can be. And then wham, she's back to being reserved and clingy at speech. DD recently discovered that I go back out to the car during speech class instead of sitting in the school lobby. She wants me to sit in the lobby, I have no idea why. I guess I will sit in the lobby the next time we go to speech (which is Tuesday) and see if that has any effect.

 

I do not suspect DD of having any sort of autism. She's never exhibited any symptoms of this. She will look me in the eye, as well as everyone she is comfortable with. She plays extremely well with her little sister and her cousins (who are 5 and 8 years old) but we do not see them except about once a month. She just will not look "strangers" in the eye and people she is not comfortable being around.

 

I do not really think it is sensory overload either. I've looked up symptoms of sensory disorders and she does not fit the bill. She only does these things when she has to be away from me (even though soccer is not really "away" from me though). She is not sensory seeking in any way, nor does sensory things bother her.

 

The thing is....she really does enjoy church and homeschool group. And she says she like soccer practice, but not the games. The past few weeks I drop her off at church in her class crying. I'll come back 10 minutes later and will check on her and she'll be absolutely fine. Same thing with homeschool group. At church she got placed in the wrong class a few weeks ago and her teacher came and got her shortly after. DD thought she was "lost" and that's when the crying at church began again (she goes through phases at church too). It's like she has so many triggers that will set her off.

 

I've actually been contemplating having me and DD talk to someone for a while now. However, I do not want them to be a social worker and I do not want them employed by the school board. I actually would like them to be a Christian phychologist or something like that. But I'm not sure if any of those specialize in children around here.

 

Around the house DD never stops talking, she laughs, she plays, she loves her sister, she loves going to her grandparents house and talks all day long to them. I'm sure people do not believe me when I tell them she's a completely different person at home. She still has quirks at home, but she's definitely not shy and reserved and quiet.

[jujsky]

Having her evaluated by a child psychologist might not be a bad thing. Your DD sounds a lot like my friend's DD. Her DD was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder. It's a very real and legitimate thing. Her DD now goes to therapy where they work on her issues, and the therapist gives my friend lots of suggestions to try at home. With her DD, a lot of her issues are around transitions. She needs to know exactly what is going to happen, and anything outside the norm can set her off. If she even THINKS something outside the norm is going to happen, it sets her off. She also gets upset if there is any raised voices or if anyone around her gets in trouble. It scared the heck out of me one time when I was baby-sitting her, and I raised my voice at my kids for fighting in the car (it wasn't a real yell, more of a, "Knock it off!"), and she burst into uncontrollable tears!

 

BTW, this is NOT a homeschool issue, so don't let anyone tell you that it is. My friend's DD has been in a daycare/school setting her whole life. She's in first grade now, and after a whole month she was finally able to walk into her classroom today without her mother or her mother's boyfriend. Some kids are just oversensitive by nature and have a ton of anxiety. This would be an issue if she was or was not in school. In fact, at one point my friend was thinking of asking me to homeschool her DD because the anxiety of going to school every day was getting to be too much for her, and she didn't want to put her through that. If she hadn't started to adjust to her new school, I'm certain she would have asked me.

Edited October 1, 2009 by jujsky

[Macrina]

I have a 5 yo clingy ds who gets speech at the local PS. We've been through the ringer with our district, they have not treated us well. The social worker thing is a RED FLAG. This is not the SLP thinking of your dd's best interests. If it was she would be requesting OUTSIDE EVALUATION FROM DEVELOPMENTAL PEDIATRICIAN in order to get her more services out of her IEP. What ever this SLP is doing, if it's not taking it to a CSE meeting, it's bad news, IMO. Say NO to the social worker thing. Don't let them interview your child without you present, start observing speech and if the SLP is concerned tell her you would be open to an outside eval by a developmental ped at the district's expense. Also find out the number of your area's parent advocacy center and talk to a parent rep ASAP. PM me if you want, too.

[Barb_]

If she is painfully shy and attends church classes, soccer, homeschooling group, and speech classes away from you, no wonder she is freaking. I would dial back on everything non-essential (and I would include church classes here) for the rest of the year. Give her some time to regain her footing. 5 is the last mom-centric year and even outgoing children can be, well, worshipful of Mommy. She may be experiencing something akin to grieving when you must separate. Forcing separation is probably just entrenching the behavior. Wait until she's six. It is a more expansive age, developmentally. Then stretch her gently. An introvert is exhausted and overwhelmed with outwardly-directed activities. This may be hard for you to understand if you are an extrovert. I believe you are working too hard to get her out of her shell...this may just be who she is.

 

ETA: I got sidetracked and posted too soon. I do think you should have her privately evaluated in addition to what I posted above. Don't limit yourself to a specifically Christian counselor. You do not have to stay with a counselor if you do not click, but do get her in and get the ball rolling somewhere.

 

Barb

Edited October 2, 2009 by Barb F. PA in AZ

[calandalsmom]

If you look for a therapist, you might choose to concentrate on someone who can do play therapy.

[LibraryLover]

We had our dc evaluated by a Children's Hosptial developmental team. I could have done it through Early Intervention, or the school, but I choose to go straight to the top, as it were. *I* trusted that team more, and they had far more resources. EI or the school refers you when they aren't sure, so I preferred to skip that step. I also didn't think the school had the knowledge base I needed at that time.

[lgm]

snip She said she's going to talk to a social worker that comes to the school to see what she thinks of my DD going and speaking with someone. Who, I have no idea. A therapist of some sort, maybe. I dont know.

snip

I'm just afriad they are looking at me and my kid and thinking "why in the world is she homeschooling her? She's messing her up, the kid cannot even function without her mother right beside her." :::sigh:::....I don't know what to do. I don't know how to help her or how to reply to the speech teacher about all of this. :confused:

 

Most speech teachers are very kid friendly...she's trying to help so she and your dd can have a productive therapy session. Since your dd has trouble functioning at school, the school pysch can help her if you will give permission. I would urge you to call the psych and schedule an interview, possibly while your dd is at her next session. I can tell you our school pysch is wonderful - not only did she help my child, but she had a few observations and suggestions that helped me too. You can also request that your child has a full evaluation (do it in writing).