Am I paranoid?

[Elizabeth Conley]

As a home schooling parent, I often feel like my kids are under the microscope.

 

We go to church, where many people disapprove of home schooling. We go to scouting, where many people disapprove of home schooling. I suspect that my son's doctor isn't too happy about it, and neither is his nurse.

 

My son is in the process of recovering from a very serious hearing and balance problem that has made his education very difficult. Both kids went to awful public schools for years. There are real gaps in both kids' educations.

 

Part of me wants to go out and do things. I want to keep the kids in Sunday school. I want my son in boy scouting. The other part of me is paranoid. I'm afraid some well-meaning do-gooder will "report" us for some imagined flaw in our home school, and we'll be fending off social services.

 

We've been closing the gaps in the kids' educations very effectively. (Between us home schoolers, the kids are doing outlandishly well.) Their standardized test scores have improved to the point where they're both well above the 90th percentile in all areas. I don't run around telling people this, because I think that would be really obnoxious.

 

So really and truly, there's nothing for anyone to fault me for except the herd of dust bunnies that roam free in my house. Yes, I admit it: I'm a lousy housekeeper. Still, I'm anxious. I feel vulnerable. Whenever someone asks me if we're "still" homeschooling, I get a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. "How far is this person willing to go?" I wonder. "If I can't get this person to see how well the kids are doing, will they cause me trouble? What kind of trouble?"

 

That is the sort of anxiety that tumbles through my head as I search for ways to explain why we plan to homeschool indefinitely. Our children's educations are exceeding the hopes we had when we began our home school adventure. Our family's quality of life has never been better. We're living our dreams. I don't want to make anyone jealous, because I know that can start trouble to. I just struggle to find the words that will convince the people who mistrust home schooling to leave us in peace.

 

What do you ladies think? Do I worry too much?

[Pink Fairy]

I would stop trying to convince people. By doing so, you open yourself to hearing opinions that you'd rather not know. Be matter-of-fact, not apologetic, not explanatory. It's none of their business, and really--who cares if the nurse in your doctor's office thinks homeschooling is wrong?! Who is she to you? The same goes for everybody else who is putting you under the microscope.

 

Project confidence in your decisions. It will make them much less likely to question you about it. And try not to worry. Homeschooling is perfectly legal, so they can't stir up trouble just for that.

 

:grouphug:

[E_Edgerton]

I think that anytime you are going against the grain you will have times like this, feelings like this...etc. The proof is in the pudding so to speak...if you are happy, your children are doing well/closing gaps in their education, and this is what works for your family then keep up the good work! Just keep on doing what you know is best for your family. People who don't understand this process probably won't change their minds, just as you will never understand such narrow thoughts. :grouphug:

[joannqn]

Yes, you worry too much. But I totally understand how you are feeling because I deal with the same issues.

 

I deal with it by keeping records that are required by my state. If I ever had to show proof that we are meeting my kids' academic needs will see it quite clearly through my records, my blog where I often write about field trips and projects (with photos), and annual test results. I'm not a great housekeeper either; however, my house isn't rat-infested or covered in last week's pb&j so I know I'm ok there. I try to remember that CPS would take one look at us and dismiss the caller's concerns.

 

I also don't discuss my worries or concerns or problems with people who aren't genuinely supportive and safe

[Caribbean Queen]

What do you ladies think? Do I worry too much?

 

 

No, you don't worry too much. I keep my children out of cub scouts and Sunday school because someone might report us to the authorities for homeschooling. My children stay home all the time. I don't want them to draw attention. I don't want people frowning at me for homeschooling.

 

Just kidding.

 

:chillpill:

[HerdingCats]

Project confidence in your decisions. It will make them much less likely to question you about it.

:iagree:

 

It took me waaaay toooo long to get to this point. I did that paranoid dance for the first few years. Don't opt out of life; that will only make you more paranoid!!:tongue_smilie:

[BikeBookBread]

My girls are so quick to answer, "We Homeschool!" with a smile on their shining little faces...granted it's "only" kinder, but still, I'm happy that we are doing it. I go to a church that has a fair number of homeschoolers, but the vast majority do not (it's a large church). I think some don't like it, but whatever. I don't like that some parents let their preschoolers watch Hannah Montana and let their boys veg in front of the Playstation. There will always be things over which parents disagree...

 

DON'T WORRY!! Pray about it, too!! Ask for peace, confidence and understanding. Sometimes you do need to just deflect the ugly comments that people do make (because they WILL come).

[Jean in Newcastle]

I don't worry about everyone. I only worry about those with any power! The pediatrician who grills me and my kids every time we go to him worries me because he could cause some major problems if he reported me. The checker who grills me and my kids every time we go through her line, does not worry me. In fact, if she does not cut it out, I'm going to have a heart-to-heart with her manager about her treatment of law-abiding customers. The neighbors who could complain when we're following the homeschool laws here, don't worry me because they have absolutely no case. The "friend" who freaked out because I left my 12 year old home while I ran to the store to get him some stuff for the flu worries me because even though she has no case, the law is fuzzy enough about the topic of leaving 12 year olds home alone.

[Elizabeth Conley]

Mamabegood and Herding Cats,

 

You ladies have a really good point about projecting confidence. I'm not at all self-confident. I second-guess myself constantly. It's probably unwise to let anyone who's potentially hostile see that.

 

Joannqn,

 

I also don't discuss my worries or concerns or problems with people who aren't genuinely supportive and safe

 

You're right of course. It kinda makes me sad that it includes so many people I'd rather trust. The pastor at my last church subjected me to a long lecture on the evils of home schooling. She was so sure that she was a font of wisdom. She knew little or nothing about my kids' lousy educations, and didn't understand my son's hearing problems at all, but she was so sure that homeschooling was bad, bad, bad. I just sat there, heartsick and anxious, waiting for her lecture to wind down. In retrospect, I was a real doormat. She got really mean in the months afterward. If I'd have shown the tiniest bit of gumption she probably wouldn't have been so horrid.

 

There are a lot of people in my life I can't confide in when it comes to home schooling. These are people I used to assume were my mentors, or at least my allies. Now I don't quite trust them. I hate that, but their hostility to home schooling is real.

 

Caribbean Queen,

 

I have a high resistance to the efficacy of chill pills. I'll need at least 3. :chillpill::chillpill::chillpill:!

 

E. Edgerton,

 

You're right of course. It's unlikely any minds will be changed by our life choices and the joy we find in home schooling. Home schooling is pretty intensive. It's not for everyone. It's not even for most people. I do wish people were a bit more tolerant of minority points of view, but there you have it.

Edited September 29, 2009 by Elizabeth Conley

[Elizabeth Conley]

Jean in Newcastle,

 

I don't worry about everyone. I only worry about those with any power! The pediatrician who grills me and my kids every time we go to him worries me because he could cause some major problems if he reported me... ...The "friend" who freaked out because I left my 12 year old home while I ran to the store to get him some stuff for the flu worries me because even though she has no case, the law is fuzzy enough about the topic of leaving 12 year olds home alone.

 

 

I worry about those people. I also worry about bored, clueless do-gooders looking for supposed "victims" to rescue.

 

I know we're supposed to turn our anxieties over to God, and I do... ...again and again and again.

 

I drag my poor 13 year old daughter everywhere. If our son has a surgery or a doctor's appointment, we drag her along. She carts her lessons, and manages to do her work in spite of her surroundings. She's an awesome kid. She's responsible, smart, sensible and entirely capable of staying at home alone indefinitely. Unfortunately she's cuter than a bug's ear and looks about 10. God help me if someone assumes the poor little angel is "neglected" just because I don't haul her along everywhere I have to go.

 

At 47, I've had plenty of opportunities to be stunned and amazed by the vivid imaginations of those who liven the monotony of their lives by speculating about others. Some people squeal and jump on a chair at the sight of a mouse. For me it's a busy-body!

[Caribbean Queen]

When I am thinking "What if....?" I finish the thought. What if someone called the authorities on you? Did you file your homeschooling paperwork with the state? Yes? Have you met all legal requirements? Yes? Are you breaking any laws? No. So if someone calls the authorities on you, will horrible things happen? I think not.

 

If you want to please people who question and frown at you, you must enroll your children at school. If you want to homeschool they will frown. You must make your choice. I don't see what there is to worry about here. Worried they won't like it? They don't. It has happened already. So what?

[Janet in WA]

I don't think I'd call you paranoid, but I do think you worry too much. You can't convince everyone in your world to approve of your homeschooling. But you can (I hope) convince yourself not to care about that and to be at peace not having the understanding or approval of all you know. You will never accomplish that, no matter what you do.

 

You mentioned in the Cub Scout thread (which I suspect inspired this thread) that a leader in your troop asked if you would still be homeschooling. You saw that as a sign that the troop might be becoming hostile to homeschooling. It's NOT! I promise.

[2cents]

My first reaction is that if your church and the scout troop is not supportive of homeschooling and by extention...your family, then I would actively be searching for another church and troop. I wouldn't spend time associating with people that I felt were so judgmental that I was in fear of them calling CPS.

[kpupg]

We've been closing the gaps in the kids' educations very effectively. (Between us home schoolers, the kids are doing outlandishly well.) Their standardized test scores have improved to the point where they're both well above the 90th percentile in all areas.

 

Sweetie, those gaps that maybe used to be there .... they're well and truly gone. Above 90 %le on everything -- yup, no gaps. Take yourself out to dinner and congratulate yourself!

 

:grouphug:

 

You don't say where you live, so all I will say further is make sure you are meeting the letter of the legal requirements and nuts to everyone else's opinion.

 

God bless,

Karen

[Garga]

If you're worried, then you can do the following:

 

1. Do your record keeping as required by the state. Keep it in a place where you can pull it out in a moment's notice.

 

2. Start portfolios for the kids--even if it's not required by the state. Include any paperwork they produce. Take pictures of every project and field trip they go on. Include test results.

 

3. When people ask you about homeschooling, give one word answers and change the subject.

 

4. Join HSLDA.

 

Once all your ducks are in a row as neatly as you can put them, you'll just have to push the worrisome thoughts out of your mind and deal with any problems as they arise. There's nothing further you can do beyond the above, so worrying won't do you any good.

 

And if you're still worried, then maybe you'll have to look for homeschool friendly churches/groups.

[LibraryLover]

.

Edited September 30, 2009 by LibraryLover

[Elizabeth Conley]

Janet,

 

You're right. The boy scout troop is led by great people. They're not the type to suddenly start persecuting us.

 

2cents,

 

I did change churches. That church was deeply troubled on so many levels. They needed serious help, and I was in no shape to deliver it. The tiny congregation was fraught with petty conflict every. single. Sunday. It was always a war zone. They disbanded about 3 months after we left.

 

I've had time to think about it, and I don't think my anxieties about the troop are rational. The non-stop insanity of that congregation has made me hyper vigilant.

 

Kpupg,

 

I appreciate your encouragement. To a large extent I agree with you. Most of the kids remaining gaps are in the more sophisticated higher order thinking skills that standardized tests don't address well. They simply aren't used to tackling these challenges. Now that we're switching from "playing catch up" to really polishing their skills, that's changing.

 

Thanx Garga,

 

I've done most of what you describe, but I've never kept a portfolio. I'm just not like that. I throw away anything and everything I think I can get away with pitching. WRT the kid's educations, that may not be so wise. I'm going to start those portfolios.

 

afjagsp123,

 

I appreciate your kind words. Prayer is helpful in working through anxieties. Perhaps that's this week's lesson for me.

 

Have a great day Ladies. Today is co op day for us. I need to get everyone rolling on time. Maybe the smell of sausage frying will put them in a cheerful mood!

 

Blessings,

 

Elizabeth

[Lizzie in Ma]

I am sure you are doing fine, bless you for your courage.

I only have one comment and I hope you don't mind, it comes from my heart.

If you have a church with judgmental and disapproving people, perhaps you should find a new one? That is not the overall impression a church family should have toward you.

[stripe]

Everyone has gaps in their education. As long as yours aren't missing many, many things that you never intend to teach them (triangles? what are they? what do you mean, we used to be part of England?), I wouldn't be obsessed with that.