Love and Logic response needed

[lighthouseacademy]

My 5 yr old cut her own hair a month and a half ago because she "wanted a hair cut." The logical consequence was to trim her hair and make it look right again (although there was nothing I could do about the bangs she cut to her hairline!) She was rather sad that her hair, which was almost waist length was now shoulder length and lamented that it was too short. She has since lamented that she can't have the braids she used to have or a ponytail because it is too short.

 

Fast Forward to today. My 3 yr old has beautiful baby curls that fall nearly to her bum. I have not cut her hair since she was an infant because it hasn't looked unkempt and I love those baby curls that don't last long anyway! Today my 5 yr old got out the scissors and took a snip out of her sister's hair because, "her hair is too long." I am SO mad right now. It is not her right to decide her sister's hair length. Furthermore, I don't want to cut my 3 yr old's curls off yet to even the length. Thankfully, it isn't a big chunk, but it is there in the middle of her back.

 

So, my question is what is the love and logic consequence for my 5 yr old. I am proud to say I stayed calm. I told her I was very angry and that I wasn't sure how to handle this, but don't worry I would come up with a consequence for her actions later. I then encouraged her to take herself to her room. I think if she had stayed right there I would have blown a gasket.

 

Help!

[dangermom]

I must say I think you handled it very well. But I have no idea what a good consequence would be, sorry.

[HayesW]

Well, I would probably have flipped, so thank you for remaining calm. The only consequence I can think of is that all scissors are gone. They must be put up high, in a child proof box. Since she can't use the scissors responsibly, then she doesn't get to have them.

 

Talk about how sad she was when her hair was cut. Help her to empathize.

[Laurie4b]

Well, I would probably have flipped, so thank you for remaining calm. The only consequence I can think of is that all scissors are gone. They must be put up high, in a child proof box. Since she can't use the scissors responsibly, then she doesn't get to have them.

 

Talk about how sad she was when her hair was cut. Help her to empathize.

 

Scissors privileges gone makes sense--as long as she likes to use scissors for crafts and things.

 

Also, doing something for her sibling in reparation--such as giving her a small toy , doing a chore for her, etc. makes sense.

 

OTOH, I think it's pretty likely that this is jealousy and revenge that she can't take on you directly. I think I would talk about those things. If she's angry with you for cutting her hair, then this would be a time to reinforce that it was her choice that caused it.

[jubulibee]

Just an idea.... Have her give something special that belongs to her (5yo) to the 3 yo, if even for a short while. The thing is, she took from her 3yo sister what didn't belong to her. You may even want to decide what it is to take (and if/when you give it back), because your 5yo decided for her sister how long her hair should be.

 

The consequence is important, yes, but whatever you decide, make sure you discuss it with her with empathy, letting her process through the lesson learned.

 

BTW, great job keeping your emotions under control. That was a major Love & Logic success!

[Unicorn.]

She's 5. They do things like that. I agree with taking scissor privelages away. Explain why she can't have scissors for awhile, and that cutting her sister's hair was wrong. Then give her a big hug, tell her you love her, and make her apologize to her sister. I think it plenty for that age.

[Haiku]

Have her give something special that belongs to her (5yo) to the 3 yo, if even for a short while.

 

I think this would very likely make the five year old angry with the three year old. I wouldn't involve the three year old in any way. I wouldn't even require an apology because the five year old won't mean it and it may make the three year old upset about something she otherwise wouldn't have been upset about. It probably bothers you a lot more than it does the three year old.

 

Five year olds do thing, ya know? Remove all scissors and tell your dd that you are very upset about what happened. Then move on.

 

Tara

[Old Dominion Heather]

Well, you could turn big sis around and hand the 3yo the scissors and tell her to have at her sister's hair.

 

 

Okay, maybe not. All scissors would be gone. I'd maybe have her make reparation to her sister as well. Either pay for her sister's hair to be trimmed nicely or give her sister a toy or something.

 

ETA: I would let there be some consequence beyond just no more scissors since she already knew that hair cutting was not her job.

[Joanne]

Just affirming that it's well within "normal and expected" developmental bounds for a 5 year old. Some kids are "bent" towards hair cutting, some towards inappropriate scribbling (walls, tables, etc), some towards kitchen/food messes...

 

In addition to the feedback above, I'd find a way for this 5 year old to get her sensory and exploration needs met with fake hair, textured fabrics, supervised scissors.

[lighthouseacademy]

Well, you could turn big sis around and hand the 3yo the scissors and tell her to have at her sister's hair.

 

 

Okay, maybe not. All scissors would be gone. I'd maybe have her make reparation to her sister as well. Either pay for her sister's hair to be trimmed nicely or give her sister a toy or something.

 

ETA: I would let there be some consequence beyond just no more scissors since she already knew that hair cutting was not her job.

 

No scissors is obvious... and definite, but you are quite right, she already knew cutting hair was not good. She had told me that she would never cut her own hair again and that she knew cutting hair wasn't a good idea back when she did her own hair. She is a bright girl and although she is 5 and 5 yr olds do dumb things at times, she knew full well that it was not ok. As I talked to her later and told her that the curls she cut off would never grow back because they were baby curls, her eyes got big and I could tell she was a bit sad. She knows there is a consequence coming and told me to tell her what it is when I know.

 

I thought about somehow having her pay for the hair cut, but I really don't want to cut the 3yr old's hair (yes, I am having a VERY hard time giving up that she is my baby!) and I am not sure that the chunk she cut out is big enough to notice unless you are looking since she has all those baby curls (the hair above is straight and once it is cut, there will be no more curls).

[Haiku]

Whatever you decide, I would caution you not to let your emotional attachment to your dd's curls affect the severity of your consequence. Would you be this upset if your five year old had cut your three year old's stick-straight hair?

 

Tara

[lighthouseacademy]

Whatever you decide, I would caution you not to let your emotional attachment to your dd's curls affect the severity of your consequence. Would you be this upset if your five year old had cut your three year old's stick-straight hair?

 

Tara

You are quite right- which is why I am looking for suggestions. And, yes, I would be this upset.

[Rosie_0801]

Take away her scissors, have a talk about trust, and tell her if she ever does that again, you are going to cut the same length off her hair, even if that means it's right up to her earlobes.

 

Rosie

[KidsHappen]

My 5 yr. old did this to my 3 yr. old. I cried. The younger sister is now 16 and she still hasn't quite forgiven her sister for doing this. Not only did the older one do this knowing it was wrong, she purposely misled the younger by showing her fake playdoh scissors and then using real scissors to cut off the curls. In my dd's case, I definitely think it was a jealousy thing. Somehow, both girls grew up thinking that the other one was prettier, or nicer, or more liked or favored than themselves. I don't know if this means I did a great job raising them or that I was an utter failure but all of the girls get along and are pretty close now so I am happy.

[mooooom]

he was half feral and I don't know how she managed it as no one else could get near him. She was just a cutting obsessed child for awhile. She did grow out of it - I'm sure yours will too.

 

I would give her lots of supervised cutting time, my dd got a doll whose hair she was allowed to cut and lots of paper and glue.

 

I think at 5 you can know something is wrong and still do it anyway - temptation is just that great. Whether dd3 gets a haircut or not, I would frequently point it out for awhile to dd5. "What a shame. I'm glad you'll never do that again."

[Pamela H in Texas]

She does need to apologize, but if she's not sorry, she can simply say "it was wrong of me to cut your hair." Sorry if they are sorry and "I was wrong to..." if they aren't. Either way, they take responsibility and approach the other person. I also always advocate that people give a little extra for good measure. Where I might take my neighbor an apple pie along with the money to replace the chicken I ran over, your child can think of something extra nice to do for or give sister.

 

Scissors do need to be up for a time. She has to ask for them EVERY SINGLE TIME to use them and then she has to go through "the rules" of use also. And if you deem necessary, be directly supervised which means she doesn't get them if you can't watch her. A few times of running through the rules and missing out on an opportunity will help her get the message as well as ingrain the rules into her head.

 

BTW, I had scissors (child scissors of course) out in a 2yo classroom with 22 kids on the roll. Depending on how many were there, we had 1-2 teachers in the room. So though some would disagree, I think it's fine that 3 and 5yos usually have access to scissors. They most certainly can be taught to use them appropriately ONLY. The putting them up is a temporary change because she showed she's not ready for the priviledge.

 

I do think the take something of 5yo is LOGICAL, but generally, good consequences have a FEW requirements and one of those is to be RESPECTFUL. Taking things in this situation would be paying back evil for evil (as scripture puts it). It's kinda like how we don't hit a kid for hitting. It doesn't make sense if we think about it and actually gives the wrong message. Instead, the point is to make it right for the future rather than making her pay for making a poor choice now.

 

HTHs a little :)

[*LC]

What about having her hair cut short, because you feel it is too long? She doesn't get a say; just as her younger sister didn't get a say in her hair cut.

 

I would agree with the others about only supervised scissors for a while.