WWYD?

[Impish]

Ok. For those who have been following my life at this point, you know that MIL didn't bother to acknowlege Grandpa's passing. Wolf is completely fed up with her at this point. We had her here last wknd, and Wolf has stated he doesn't want to see her again this visit.

 

I've told him that its his mom, I'll support him in whatever he decides, so I've been very careful not to push one way or another, but keep neutral about it. I don't want him resenting me for pushing one way or another.

 

That being said...MIL is calling at least 4x a day. :glare: And when I miss one of her calls, she demands to know why. I'm to the point that the next time she calls I'll be telling her, "The only person I ALWAYS answer the phone for is my husband. Otherwise, I answer when I feel like chatting, or I'm not teaching, busy with housework, or any one of the other hundred or so things I do in a day. Plus, sometimes we're simply not home."

 

I figure that'll go over like a lead balloon :glare:

 

I'm ducking her calls. She wants to nail down her next visit with me, and frankly I have no idea at this point if there will BE another visit...and I'm very tired of having to be so evasive.

 

I told Wolf he needs to deal with this one.

 

In the meantime, do I keep avoiding? Not answer her calls? Its driving me a bit batty, because she'll call, not get an answer, call back 5 mins later...wash, rinse, repeat for over an hour :glare:

[Alison in KY]

Can you turn the ringer off for the day until Wolf can deal with her?

[Harriet Vane]

First, make sure Wolf knows she is calling and ask him what specifically he wants you to do.

 

Personally, I lean towards avoiding. Take the phone off the hook if you need to. However, don't do this without Wolf knowing this is what you will do.

 

If Wolf says to answer, then do so and keep your tongue and your temper firmly in check. I would NOT tell her why you cannot answer the phone. Just smilingly sail right past the questioning and ask, "So what were you calling about?" Repeat as often as necessary. If it's about a visit, you say, "Oh you need to talk to Wolf about that. Thanks for calling! Bye!" With someone like this your only recourse is to repeat what you decided to say ahead of time and refuse to get drawn in to the elaborate verbal garbage.

 

Bottom line: Wolf's mom, Wolf's heartache . . . Wolf tells you what he wants you to do. In a situation like this (and yes, I have faced this sort of thing more times than I would like to remember) he has to know what's going on, and he gets to dictate how to respond to her.

 

:grouphug:

[Avila]

I would not talk to her until Wolf has a chance to deal with this, and I don't think I would give her any reason for it either. She is a grown-up and knows that people leave the house and just sometimes don't want to answer the phone. No point in antagonizing her with it. Set your boundary and answer or don't answer according to that, and not her wishes.

 

I would try to either turn off the ringer or go outside or out to the library when she is "cycling" with this. It sounds like she is just going to keep calling no matter what either of you say until she gets the answer she wants anyhow.

 

Prayers for you and Wolf!

[Ibbygirl]

Can you turn the ringer off for the day until Wolf can deal with her?

 

:iagree::iagree: If you have an answering machine to take your messages turn the ringers off and enjoy the quiet. :) As you said, she is his mother. :grouphug:

[sunshine]

This is harder than is sounds. You have to be honest with her. Now I am jumping in after a 3 month hiatus from this board so ignore me if I am talking out of turn but...

 

Sometimes you have to just say what you mean. The next time she calls, tell her not to call again because you will not answer anymore. She can write your husband if she needs to call him or call his cell phone. But it will be up to HER son when she comes again and he is upset with her for ___________ fill in the blank.

 

Selfish people, mean people and just people sometimes can't see what they have done hurts and sometimes devastates other people. They only see things from their point of view. And with these sort of things you have to be brutally honest if you wants things resolved. You I am sure can say it kindly, because you are kind. but if you want peace you will have to take a deep breath and say: I am not answering your calls anymore, you will have to wait to hear from your son. I will pray for you, send good karma, talk to Zeus or Budda or whatever for you while you wait on him.

 

It is easier to avoid but fixes nothing. And stresses you out.

[Impish]

Thanks for the advice.

I can't ignore for much longer, I'm afraid. She's staying at a cousin's, and it would be totally within her character to convince the cousin something is wrong and they need to bring her here to investigate (or simply throw a fit til the cousin gives in, with the idea that at least she won't have to listen to it anymore.) When I was pregnant with Princess, she threatened to call the police on me when I wasn't answering her calls. For a 'well person check'. I kid you not.

 

Wolf plans to deal with this tonight. Yesterday, he was simply so exhausted from all the emotional upheaval, sitting at Grandpa's side and barely sleeping for 3 days, then his mom was here, then his youngest bro (whom we both adore)was here, and he was up way late with him two nights in a row, catching up, doing guy stuff that he went straight to bed at 330 pm for the night.

 

Only problem I forsee is that if he sticks to his guns, and no more visits, I'm going to have her calling constantly, and more then likely just show up on my doorstep after conning the cousins.

 

*sigh*

 

I know, I shouldn't worry about anything til it hits...but somehow asking for advice and such helps me feel like I'm somewhat prepared for what may come, rather then get caught totally off guard.\

 

Does that make sense to anyone?

[Denisemomof4]

I agree that you need to talk to Wolf about what's going to happen not only with the next visit, but in the future. I, personally, would never allow anyone the opportunity to control and manipulate me the way she does your family. This entire relationship is unhealthy, TOXIC, and is it doing ANYONE any good?

 

I have memory issues so I don't remember all that you've shared, but I DO remember your sharing about how she talks to/about Wolf. I was floored. It's SO damaging. Being an adopted mother myself, one of a child with severe issues, I can't IMAGINE talking to or about her the way your MIL does Wolf. And he's an adult so it's likely been going on his entire life. It's SO unhealthy and damaging. I feel really sorry for him, but I feel real sorry for YOU because you're married to the kid she so damaged. BUt ultimately he's got to call the shots with her.

 

In the meantime, I don't think you should deal with her at all. This is between Wolf and her and I'd just stop answering the phone if you know it's her calling. that's what I did with my MIL when after 17 years of marriage and 19 years together I finally had enough of her bullying and stopped trying with her or playing into it. It's been peaceful ever since. Three years and counting. DH still goes to see her but not often at all. She's not a nice person, fights with everyone in her life, and only NOW, after all these years, is she asking why she isn't invited to the house anymore. He told her it was because she's never treated his wife nicely. She probably doesn't even remember telling me that it would be ok for my dh to have a girlfriend because he spends so much money to care for my animals. :scared::eek::cursing: That was also my HUSBAND'S last straw.

 

I, personally, think his not wanting to see her is healthy and long overdue.

 

That's my opinion and I'm sticking to it, although it's doesn't sound like an opinion a Christian woman should have.

[Ibbygirl]

 

I know, I shouldn't worry about anything til it hits...but somehow asking for advice and such helps me feel like I'm somewhat prepared for what may come, rather then get caught totally off guard.\

 

Does that make sense to anyone?

 

 

Yes. :grouphug: That is why it is called support. Because it helps. :)

[melissel]

Thanks for the advice.

I can't ignore for much longer, I'm afraid. She's staying at a cousin's, and it would be totally within her character to convince the cousin something is wrong and they need to bring her here to investigate (or simply throw a fit til the cousin gives in, with the idea that at least she won't have to listen to it anymore.) When I was pregnant with Princess, she threatened to call the police on me when I wasn't answering her calls. For a 'well person check'. I kid you not.

 

Wolf plans to deal with this tonight. Yesterday, he was simply so exhausted from all the emotional upheaval, sitting at Grandpa's side and barely sleeping for 3 days, then his mom was here, then his youngest bro (whom we both adore)was here, and he was up way late with him two nights in a row, catching up, doing guy stuff that he went straight to bed at 330 pm for the night.

 

Only problem I forsee is that if he sticks to his guns, and no more visits, I'm going to have her calling constantly, and more then likely just show up on my doorstep after conning the cousins.

 

*sigh*

 

I know, I shouldn't worry about anything til it hits...but somehow asking for advice and such helps me feel like I'm somewhat prepared for what may come, rather then get caught totally off guard.\

 

Does that make sense to anyone?

 

I think I'd be upfront with her and then be prepared to hang up on her if necessary ("Oops, the baby's flushing things down the toilet, gotta run!"). I'd also call the cousin and explain that you're doing school and running errands and dealing with Wolf's family stuff, and NOT to bring her over. If she calls the police, you can answer the door politely and tell them she's crazy and obsessive and you're all fine, and thank you for being so attentive.

 

But, yeah, I'd probably let Wolf talk to her first (poor man :(, as if he's not dealing with enough now).

[Denisemomof4]

tape a note to your door for her. If Wolf decided the visits will stop, put a note on the door asking her to please leave you alone and respect your privacy. Tell her to also stop calling.

 

If Wolf is done with her, you need to be, too. I hope it wouldn't take a stop by the police to get this through to her.

 

I feel badly for her, she really sounds like a person with major issues. Perhaps mental illness?

[Avila]

Is there any way to call the cousins and talk to them like adults? Can you just tell them that you homeschool and cannot spend the whole day on the phone, but there is NO need to bring MIL over to check on you? And if they get belligerent and bring her, that it will be a wasted trip because you may not even be there or may not answer the door if you are?

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

Sorry you are dealing with all of this. I get how frustrating it all is, and it is a lot easier for us to give advice when we aren't living with it. It is also hard to be the only fruit at a nut party, as my grandma used to say! ;) Hope you all hold out until Wolf can deal with this.

[adams101]

I've dealt with some similar, yet not to that extreme, and I had to tell MIL that she will have to talk to DH. I continued to tell her that I'll have to ask DH, or have him get back with her. I too didn't answer calls (she is the reason we got CallerID to begin with). When I went into pre-term labor, I was complaining to my mom in the hospital that I didn't want her calling constantly. The nurse heard me say this and offered to have the nurse's station screen all my calls.:001_smile: They would let me know when she called, and I would have DH call her back. If I was sleeping, they waited to tell me. It was AWESOME! She finally got the point and doesn't call me much anymore. FIL calls DH on his cell phone most of the time if they want something. MIL will email me sometimes, but not usually. Of course, moving 200 miles away didn't hurt either. Now I don't have to check the parking lot at Wally World to make sure she isn't there.:party:

All that to say, I would let DH handle it. If you do talk to her, tell her that she will have to talk to DH, and you will have him call when he has a chance. I know that may not help much, but it may eventually make her see that you are staying out of it and she will HAVE to talk to him. I feel for you and hope it all works out. Stay firm with her or she will walk all over you. BTDT! It took me 10+ years to get the point through to her.

[Impish]

Denise, I agree with you that it would be a healthy decision.

 

However.

 

He's her only child. She's 83 or so. She's beaten into his head how he owes her because she adopted him.

 

She told me that she actually didn't WANT to adopt, but God told her to. Then she went to her mother, figuring her mother would tell her no, and that would be the end of it. Her mother told her yes, so she trundled down to the adoption agency, put in for a 2 yo girl. The agency offered her Wolf, telling her she wouldn't get a girl (MIL was a widow, and the adoption took place in '70) So she took Wolf because he was the right age.

 

I was stunned, nauseated and just furious when she told me all of that. I kept that from my husband for several years until I just couldn't stand keeping the secret for her anymore, since it was the only secret I was knowingly keeping from my husband. He was hurt, but said it explained a lot.

 

All of that to say...Wolf told me last night that I'm the only woman he trusts. I need to be very careful in my handling of this situation, because he is so hurt, I don't want to do ANYTHING that might be construed as following my own agenda. I don't even have one, other than supporting him, but I've no doubt that IF he decides to wave her off, it will be my fault in the eyes of MIL and everyone she talks to. I just need to be sure that I don't give any reason for Wolf to think that I manipulated him, etc.

 

Its like running through a pit full of hungry alligators naked that also is a mine field and has people with machine guns trying to pick you off. Fun, fun.

[mommy2be]

Gee... I'm so sick of your MIL for you! That's saying something!!! Gah!

 

I would just tell her next time she calls "You need to speak with Wolf, I can't help you. Can you please stop calling the house so often? We're schooling, or you may wake the children from a nap... Believe it or not I don't actually sit around all day doing nothing but waiting by the phone..." Ok, so maybe you should just stop at the nap part, haha.

 

Anyways, I'd just honestly get the point accross to her that calling you is doing her no good, and that she needs to speak with Wolf. You can't make Wolf answer the phone or call her, but you'll gladly let him know that she requested he did. Bye bye! :D

 

With people like her - I love the kill them with kindness routine! Just be so (almost sarcastically) nice to her that it will get on her nerves... maybe then she'll notice that in contrast she is being a total butthead!

 

:grouphug:

[melissel]

Denise, I agree with you that it would be a healthy decision.

 

However.

 

He's her only child. She's 83 or so. She's beaten into his head how he owes her because she adopted him.

 

She told me that she actually didn't WANT to adopt, but God told her to. Then she went to her mother, figuring her mother would tell her no, and that would be the end of it. Her mother told her yes, so she trundled down to the adoption agency, put in for a 2 yo girl. The agency offered her Wolf, telling her she wouldn't get a girl (MIL was a widow, and the adoption took place in '70) So she took Wolf because he was the right age.

 

I was stunned, nauseated and just furious when she told me all of that. I kept that from my husband for several years until I just couldn't stand keeping the secret for her anymore, since it was the only secret I was knowingly keeping from my husband. He was hurt, but said it explained a lot.

 

All of that to say...Wolf told me last night that I'm the only woman he trusts. I need to be very careful in my handling of this situation, because he is so hurt, I don't want to do ANYTHING that might be construed as following my own agenda. I don't even have one, other than supporting him, but I've no doubt that IF he decides to wave her off, it will be my fault in the eyes of MIL and everyone she talks to. I just need to be sure that I don't give any reason for Wolf to think that I manipulated him, etc.

 

Its like running through a pit full of hungry alligators naked that also is a mine field and has people with machine guns trying to pick you off. Fun, fun.

 

Ughughugh! She's a sick, sick woman--a classic narcissist if I ever heard one. She's not going to change her ways. I'm so sorry. I really should let my mom read your posts; I think they'll make her feel better about her own MIL (my dad's mom, another classic narcissist)...and THAT'S saying a lot!

[Impish]

With people like her - I love the kill them with kindness routine! Just be so (almost sarcastically) nice to her that it will get on her nerves... maybe then she'll notice that in contrast she is being a total butthead!

 

:grouphug:

I tried that. She considered it genuine, and was calling more and more and more. When in my home, she followed me around so closely that when I stopped she ran into the back of me.

 

One time she was staying with us, I was pregnant with Tazzie. I came down, sat on the couch, trying to wake up for work. She came down the stairs after me, gave this shrill cry, and just about sat in my lap. Seriously. Wold and I kissed Diva goodbye, only to have my MIL fly from across the room, arms outstretched, lips pursed. If Diva got a goodbye hug and kiss, then by golly, she deserved one too :glare:

 

Killing with kindness just doesn't work with her. She laps it up and demands more. *sigh*

[Impish]

Ughughugh! She's a sick, sick woman--a classic narcissist if I ever heard one. She's not going to change her ways. I'm so sorry. I really should let my mom read your posts; I think they'll make her feel better about her own MIL (my dad's mom, another classic narcissist)...and THAT'S saying a lot!

*snicker* Have her read my posts, then remind me for a telling of the disaster that was my wedding reception because MIL took over. :glare:

[elfgivas]

hmmmm.... wasn't today that day you planned to take the children on a nature walk? or was today the library day? or the field trip day? i'm just so sure that you had something planned that took you away from the phone today.

 

or maybe not. i think being completely non manipulative is so important right now.

 

but if its a beautiful day in the neighbourhood, then it would be a beautiful day to take the kids out in it.... for a picnic or ????

 

(quite aside from the phone issue)

 

hopefully, wolf deals with it tonight, and the two of you decide how you are going to proceed. it might be best if he calls the cousins after talking with his mom and lets them know what he's said....

 

this too shall pass.

ann

[Impish]

I'm devising ways to be gone from the house. Taking the kids to the mall shortly, Diva needs some binders.

 

Also, I want to go back to the Science Centre before the DaVinci exhibit ends...books and such are going on sale quickly, since it ends in a cpl of weeks, and I want to take advantage of that, plus tour the exhibit with only Diva as a companion, so that we can dawdle as much as we please, without worrying about the Littles running out of patience.

 

Of course, Wolf made the mistake of telling MIL we have a year membership, so she's wanting to go too :glare: She'd be worse than the Littles, no doubt. :lol:

[Denisemomof4]

Denise, I agree with you that it would be a healthy decision.

 

However.

 

He's her only child. She's 83 or so. She's beaten into his head how he owes her because she adopted him.

 

She told me that she actually didn't WANT to adopt, but God told her to. Then she went to her mother, figuring her mother would tell her no, and that would be the end of it. Her mother told her yes, so she trundled down to the adoption agency, put in for a 2 yo girl. The agency offered her Wolf, telling her she wouldn't get a girl (MIL was a widow, and the adoption took place in '70) So she took Wolf because he was the right age.

 

I was stunned, nauseated and just furious when she told me all of that. I kept that from my husband for several years until I just couldn't stand keeping the secret for her anymore, since it was the only secret I was knowingly keeping from my husband. He was hurt, but said it explained a lot.

 

All of that to say...Wolf told me last night that I'm the only woman he trusts. I need to be very careful in my handling of this situation, because he is so hurt, I don't want to do ANYTHING that might be construed as following my own agenda. I don't even have one, other than supporting him, but I've no doubt that IF he decides to wave her off, it will be my fault in the eyes of MIL and everyone she talks to. I just need to be sure that I don't give any reason for Wolf to think that I manipulated him, etc.

 

Its like running through a pit full of hungry alligators naked that also is a mine field and has people with machine guns trying to pick you off. Fun, fun.

 

I somehow forgot he's her only child. Even so, imo - Mother is only a title unless there's a loving relationship to back it up.

 

I know my sil's blame ME for the breakdown of the relationship with their brother, my dh. What's funny is when I met dh and heard he wasn't on speaking terms with his sisters, it was ME who reunited everyone and wanted them involved in our wedding. I wish I had listened to dh when he said it's very difficult to have a relationship with his family. He was right.

 

I went back and reread my response to your post and was wondering if I could have given the wrong impression. I know what I meant to say but don't think it's clear. I don't ever think you should follow your own agenda. It's Wolf's mother so yes, he's the one who calls the shots. And given Wolf's history, and the value he places on you, I think it's a good idea for you to talk to him about the constant phone calls and see how he wants you to handle them. I did what a pp did. I stopped answering the phone when it was my MIL and eventually, over a year or so, she started to call dh's cell phone only. I simply couldn't stand the manipulation and abuse anymore and had my husband's blessing to do this.

 

Of course I was the first one to rush to the hospital when she was sick. Did I do this for her? Honestly, no. I did this for dh and I sat in the hospital for days visiting - FOR HIM. And I'd do it again. She's now 88. I think it's vital for you to be there for your husband and never betray him. I never meant to say or encourage differently.

 

The similarity between our dh's is that my dh, too, had it beat into his head that he was to care for his mother when she got older. His sisters are my parents age (he was a change of life baby) and they were done raising their family AND they have money, but it was me and my family (dh and kids) who sacrificed money and time for her. We did all this for dh, not for her. But when she needed care, we cared too much for our family and our MARRIAGE to allow her to move in with us. Our kids didn't even want it. Dh said NO WAY and I was relieved. I shudder to think of what would have become of our family and our marriage had she moved in. It would have been AWFUL.

 

So although I did eventually sever ties with mil, it was with dh's blessing and encouraging. HE didn't sever ties, *I* did. She can call the house to speak with the kids anytime she wants but she never has in all their lives. She's never once called them to wish them a happy birthday. Heck, she doesn't even call dh to wish him one. The only time in our entire married life she'd call him is when she wanted something. She's not only this way to us, she's this way to everyone.

 

I'm sorry, I'm rambling.

 

I don't know if I gave the impression for you to do such and such, sorry if I did. I do think you need to run all this by Wolf and let him call the shots. Maybe you'll get his blessing to avoid all phone calls when he's not around. Maybe you'll have to filter them for him. Whatever. But I think it's a tremendous blessing and compliment that HE TRUSTS YOU. I don't know if my a-daughter will ever trust ANYONE. I would protect THAT (his trusting you) with every ounce of your being. I'm so glad Wolf met someone like you. :001_smile: And my husband told me early on that he never REALLY had a life before me.

 

I'm so happy to see how you and Wolf have banded together. You GO, girl!

:tongue_smilie:

[katemary63]

I would NOT tell her why you cannot answer the phone. Just smilingly sail right past the questioning and ask, "So what were you calling about?" Repeat as often as necessary. If it's about a visit, you say, "Oh you need to talk to Wolf about that. Thanks for calling! Bye!":grouphug:

 

Exactly! You DON'T need to engage in this woman's banter. Repeat the above quotes exactly and often! You owe her nothing else. Remeber, just because someone asks a rude questions, doesn't mean you have to answer it.

Edited August 20, 2009 by katemary63

[Terabith]

Do you have caller ID or an answering machine?

 

You and Wolf (and possibly the cousins or other people that she bunks with) need to talk. If you are severing contact, whether or not MIL knows it, cousins and the like need to know. Heck, maybe it will inspire THEM.

 

I don't know how Wolf has put up with her for so long? She sounds like such a genuinely awful character. You guys should be nominated for sainthood.

 

You and Wolf need to talk about how you should respond to the phone calls AND what you should do if she shows up.

 

If there is so way you can, I'd try to avoid the phone. Even if she shows up, just say, "Oh, we're fine, sorry, just have been out and about a lot. Oops, we're on our way out the door again! See ya!"

[Danestress]

It seems like you have posted before about concerns that she has Alzheimer's or some other dementia related disease. I know she probably was a piece of work her whole life, dementia or not, but that's the only thing that concerns me. She's 83 and maybe mentally "losing it" and even if she wasn't exactly a likable person before, I'm just not sure what to say about a situation in which a person is absolutely intolerable, but also maybe mentally compromised.

[Impish]

I wondered about it last year, as there seemed to be some clear cognitive issues with her.

 

This year, however, there's been none. So I don't honestly know. A person doesn't 'get better' from dementia, especially a year later. All I know is that she didn't exhibit any confusion here, and the cousin knows that she's to call if any such behaviour comes up there...nada.

 

If she has dementia/Alzheimer's, then there's nothing we can do anyways. That sounds harsh, but as long as she insists on living in another province, we can't do diddly. POA is a provincial issue, and doesn't transfer over the borders. We literally can't do squat unless she moves here, to our province.

 

And according to dh, other than the memory issues we saw last visit, she's has the same behaviour as she's always had.